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[chowder66]

This message was self-deleted by its author (chowder66) on Wed Apr 8, 2015, 05:56 PM. When the original post in a discussion thread is self-deleted, the entire discussion thread is automatically locked so new replies cannot be posted.

[Quackers]

1. ...

[chowder66]

30. Hugs back!

Thank you! I'm okay, just pissed off.

[Ilsa]

2. Most people just don't get the pain inflicted,

Do they, and the long term ramifications.

You have a strong spirit to have kept going all these years. Your parents will have to either forgive you for not returning, or move to you, as you said, if they really need and love you. I admire you for not bending on this.

Hang in there...

[chowder66]

50. Thank you.

I wouldn't expect a lot of people to know such things unless they have been through it (and a lot have) or know someone who can talk about it with them.

I really am strong about this but I have my moments. Probably about a dozen since it ended. I'm a little easier to anger when it comes to this subject these days though. And thank you for the words of encouragement. I have to get okay with that decision. May take a while.

[Ilsa]

64. It's possible for the elderly to move.

It may not be easy, but they can usually do it if they are willing to get rid of old stuff that ties them down, prepare by getting new doctors, etc. It's also helpful to find new things for them to get involved with in the new location. They should seek new friendships and activities.

[chowder66]

66. Unfortunately my Dad hates California and he really can't move.

He has set up long term care if needed. He is well prepared but it still hurts because he is my dad, not my brothers dad. So it makes it even more painful to not feel comfortable enough to move back to spend more time with them. My mom would probably move in with me if she needed to but I'd have to stuff her in the corner and remember to feed her. : ) She and I tease each other with things like that all the time. It's good that my parents have a great sense of humor and I know or hope we can figure it out when the time comes.

[freshwest]

3. K&R

[chowder66]

31. Thanks.

Though I did just get advice to self-delete which I'm considering.

[freshwest]

42. That's up to you... There are things I know that don't bear the kind of comments they will get here.

But I hear you very well, so know that, at least. I won't write what I know down for the mockers.

[LiberalLoner]

4. ...

[democrank]

5. My thoughts are with you, chowder66.

I understand. I truly do.

~PEACE~

[chowder66]

32. Thanks. I appreciate the thoughts

spread them far and wide for all.

[BlueCollar]

6. .....

[chowder66]

33. I'm not sure but I take this to

mean no words? Or I'm overusing ... as I always do?

[ann---]

7. Personally

if it were me, I don't think I would ever speak one
word to him - ever again, after he left the house.

I've seen the damage done to young children by
what they never asked for or knew was harmful to them.

The harshest punishments should be meted out to these
molesters - no matter WHAT physical acts they perform on
their victims. It is hideous and I believe they (and your brother)
don't deserve the time of day from their victims.

[chowder66]

29. Thanks Ann

It's so damned complicated and it works for me this way for the most part. If and when I go home, I'm not anywhere alone with him.
He behaves pretty good with everyone else and puts up a front for as long as he can stand it when it comes to me. I represent all that went wrong in his life and he can't see to get that addressed with professional help.

Yet he calls... but it's rare and most of the time I don't pick up unless he keeps calling which stresses me out more so I eventually just get it over with. Maybe one day he'll snap out of it. He has apologized for what he did to me but he was drunk and I've been told he probably has no idea he did that. Oh well. I'm not making excuses, we all have our ways of dealing with this and some things work but not all the time. Just wish it never happened in the first place.

I wrote down thread what really set me off and has been creeping up on me for a long time.

[In_The_Wind]

8. ...

[chowder66]

35. You get a hug too!

As I've been responding, I'm okay, just angry as all hell. Thank you!

[Heidi]

9. Kick!

Peace to you, chowder66.

[chowder66]

36. You get a hug right back!

Thanks, I'm okay, promise... just ticked off and mad at the world for all the hurt that humans cause one another.

[aikoaiko]

10. Powerful. Thank you for sharing.

[chowder66]

37. Thanks. I was powerfully angry and still am a little bit.

It really has more about what I'm seeing and reading these days about rape/abuse, etc. I wrote a little more about that down thread.

[japple]

11. Bless you for posting such a powerful message. I am sorry for the pain

and suffering you have endured. (((((((chowder66))))))

[chowder66]

38. Thank you for the kind words though I must admit I wasn't seeking them.

I wanted to get a kids perspective out there and show how it can cause problems later in life. Those problems can be managed with help and I do manage them but sometimes I have just had enough and I blow a gasket. The gasket is blown and now I will resume regular programming. : )

[japple]

80. I am sure that everyone here knows you weren't looking for any kind of support or sympathy. You

seem to have gotten the guidance you needed to work beyond your immediate pain. Many folks at DU suffer (have suffered) in so many different ways and we all cry out for help every now and then. That is part of the mission of DU--to provide support where it is needed. We are here for you. You are here for us. That's what we do. We're Democrats!!!

[Ghost of Tom Joad]

12. Sorry for the pain

this bastard caused you. I hope that he does not have any children of his own that he is inflicting this pain upon.

[chowder66]

39. Thank you but it's a little complicated

It's hard to share the angry bits and be precise.
He only targeted me. It was a personal internal family issue. He was experimenting with drugs and wasn't coping well with issues he had, so he took it out on me and I'm a constant reminder of all the bad things he can't deal with. Otherwise, he gets along with most everyone and is even pleasant to be around, or so I'm told.
He also drinks, and that is when the calls come. I avoid them until it's too stressful then I get it over with by answering, letting him blab and hanging up. I then have a ritual where I open my front door to let "him" out. It works for me mostly.

I have to keep working on the resentment I feel back to him. I can squash it most of the time but lately it's been a little difficult. Maybe I'm just getting less tolerant with this in my middle age years.

[riqster]

13. I hear you.

My abusers are all dead, and I still work on my issues. But it has gotten better since I know they cannot hurt me again.

[chowder66]

40. Wow. I don't have a hug icon but I'm giving you an air hug right now!

I both envy you and do not...

I did realize that when my parents are gone I can cut him completely out or maybe he will just face up and get professional help one day.

[riqster]

58. It's hard to envy a fellow survivor, I think.

And I understand the ambivalence: it would have been nice to have seen some sort of redemptive, transformative change in my abusers before they passed.

But the feeling of safety I now have is positive in and of itself.

I admire your strength and courage. Good on you for sharing!

[chowder66]

67. The envy part is the feeling of safety.

I really want that so badly. I feel it here in California for the most part but not back home and I miss my home sometimes.

[riqster]

72. More hugs then.

[underahedgerow]

14. I empathize with you a million percent. I went through much the same with my brother who was

just a year older but much larger, much louder, much more aggressive and horridly evil and violent. His violence against me put me in the hospital several times, but according to my parents, it was always my fault.

But, even today, I don't blame any of them. I survived, I started fighting back when I could and mostly I just avoided them, staying away from home as much as possible, leaving home when I was 16 and making my own way in the world. I was scarred emotionally, (can you say 'unable to form intimate social relationships?') but I've managed to come out the other end pretty ok. I moved far, far away and traveled a lot. I wouldn't talk to him on the phone or give him the chance to bully me. i just refused, made a polite excuse and even "accidentally' disconnected when he got nasty. I refused to give him the satisfaction of a response of any sort. I just literally disconnected and refused to engage his evil behavior at all, in even the smallest manner. It's not difficult to be polite and to say, 'gosh, I can't talk right now, but I'll try to call you back, omg, I have to go!' And hang up.

When I say I don't blame them, I mean that I don't fault them for not having the ability or knowledge or courage to recognize his complex mental illnesses. My mother was a depressive, my dad couldn't handle it so he was around but not involved at all, ever. They just didn't have the tools to cope.

My mom was so incapable of recognizing this horrific situation I grew up in, that when I was age 33 I brought her first grand daughter home to meet the family. During the lovely picnic with all my cousins and aunts and uncles and kids and grandma, my brother grabbed my tits and offered to well, you know. I just walked away.

The next morning my mother insisted that I should spend the day with him and his sick family, and I refused and it just blew all the hell up. Decades of suppression, oppression, anger, hatred came pouring out and she refused to listen. So... I packed up my things and didn't say another word. Called a taxi, got on the next plane back to California.

I never spoke to any of them again, save my mother only once when she told me my dad was dead. She was nice for about 1 hour, then the next week I got the most hateful, evil letter ever written. It was dripping with acidic bile beyond belief, pushing every one of my emotional buttons. So I did the worst thing possible; I ignored her. She called, and I gently hung up. She sent cards and gifts for my daughter, and I sent them back unopened. She sent a letter that I sent back. I cut off all contact with her and sadly, nearly everyone else in my family. It took several years, but she finally stopped. And I began to heal, finally. She's dead now, I didn't hear of it for several years and found I felt nothing but pity for her, and now I don't think about her at all except in cases like this.

I just want to share that it's ok and absolutely better for you to just walk away and forget it all. With a couple sessions with a good shrink I learned some good reframing techniques; when something unpleasant pops into my head, I replace that thought with something lovely, even if it's bunnies and puppies. I refuse to let that part of my life have any more effect on me. I am a kind, happy, intelligent, loving person who has successfully raised a delightful, loving, kind and intelligent daughter, who never had any of these unpleasant things happen to her. I mindfully employed the opposite of their so-called parenting techniques, and you know what? It's so much easier to be happy than to be mean and sad. You can choose to embrace the joy in your life and seek it out as often as possible.

[closeupready]

22. I have a gay friend who was abused by a parent, and he did likewise.

Just ran away to California, and lived a good life without his toxic family involved. He does have good relations with his siblings.

Some parents really are shitty, and unworthy of love. That seems to run counter to everything most cultures teach, but it is undeniably true.

I'm SO glad you were able to remove yourself from all that and get on with your life.

[chowder66]

69. If we all ran off to California, hell... how many others?

Glad your friend got his life back.

[chowder66]

63. And your story is one of the reasons

why I blow. I get so fed up at times and rage at the world because I just want all of this to stop for everyone. I have to reign in my empathy and remember that sympathy is powerful too. Empathy can eat me alive if I'm not careful.

I'm okay, a little more has been explained and it wasn't what you have gone through but there are some things that do align in one way or another. Coping is a major tool that everyone should be armed with. It may have stopped the abuse for me, it could for others too because sometimes it is the lack of that skill that causes people to do horrible things.

I can cope 99% of the time then I erupt when I'm overwhelmed with multiple issues relating to this. I was pissed off and have been for a few weeks, I got more pissed off worrying about my parents aging, something I really hadn't fully considered in regards to the reason I won't move back home. I want to be there for them but it will NOT be good for me - which sounds selfish as all hell... though what good am I if I'm miserable and stressed? They would probably have to care for me! I might have to tell them that and maybe that will ease their minds. : )

I'm glad you were able to disconnect so fully. I don't want to do that because my parents are wonderful people, maybe too wonderful.
I need them and if I have to see my brother once in a blue moon or talk to him to keep things smooth(ish) then that is what has to happen. I have done this for years though he never started calling me until about 10 years ago WHICH SUCKS. But it was easier when he didn't call. I do avoid him for a bit most of the time and sometimes I'm in just the right frame of mind and pick up, get it over with.

Then it's done for a good while.

I'm so glad you were able to do the reverse and raise a protected, whole person. That is wonderful and you sound like you have the strength of Godzilla!!! Please bottle that and sell it to us!!!


Congratulations on taking back and creating your new life.

[enough]

15. About not going back to take care of your aging parents --

No one can tell you not to feel guilty, because you feel what you feel. But I want to tell you that you do not NEED to feel guilty about that. Caregiving can be traumatic in itself, because you can feel trapped by the situation and you can feel that your own autonomy has been taken over by the needs and whims of the people you are taking care of. Strangely, the caregiver can feel powerless and abandoned. This is not what you need in your life. You need to take care of yourself.

Thank you for having the courage to be so honest.

[Triana]

16. Try not to feel guilty for not moving to help your parents

Self-care trumps caring for others. IOW you have to care for yourself before you can take care of anyone else. In your case, that means staying away from a toxic person/toxic environment. You can help from afar or they can move to you.

Perhaps you could/should block him from calling you. I know you feel obliged - but the one person in your family that needs you most - is you. It can't be that exposing the child that still lives inside you to this predator over and over again (even only over the phone) is helping anyone.

Please take care of you.

[chowder66]

51. Thank you. That is where my logic is coming from...

If I'm not okay, I'm no good to others though it hurts that I can't be there for them.
They are okay for now but Dad is battling some issues and Mom may just outlive everyone.
The reason I pick up the phone when I do is because if I don't he starts hounding my parents and I can't have that. I'm stronger than they are when it comes to him. How I wish it were as simple as that, it would be luxurious.

I'll be just fine after I punch a few pillows or take to the treadmill. : )

[Triana]

60. :( I understand.

I'm so sorry. Can't blame you for wanting to keep him away from your parents!

[KitSileya]

17. Thank you.

I don't have the spoons to reply in depth, but I just want to acknowledge your bravery in posting this OP. I salute your strength.

[chowder66]

52. Thanks so much.

I would actually call it a weakness. I got fed up with some of the crap that is out there that I've been reading or hearing on the news and I'm stressed out about tax day AND talked to my parents who are aging. It all came to a boil. Perspective from a kid is something I can share and as an adult but it's a very complicated story which is difficult to convey precisely.

I just want humans to be kind to everything and everyone which is a whacked out expectation I can't seem to ever drop.

[a kennedy]

18. I'm so sorry......

I hope you can find peace and harmony with your body and your self.

[chowder66]

55. Thank you. Body is okay....well, It's older but okay....

I'm a constant work-in-progress for everything and this is one of the big bumps in the road that has it's flash points.
I'm okay and will be okay. I've made it this long and plan on getting to a point where the anger turns to helping others instead of bouncing off my walls.

[Jefferson23]

19. Report, report, report, and with support that may change the lives of victims, so any abuse

like this does not continue past the first assault.

You are demanding a change, I hope we all learn and provide our most vulnerable
the support and protection they need...we are not doing enough.

Thank you for your courage to speak with such candor..peace to you.

[chowder66]

56. ^THIS^!

Thank you soooo much! That is all I could hope for.

[Jefferson23]

61. You're more than welcome and we all need to be vigilant and proactive..because we

aren't doing a very good job protecting the children in our society. When I read not long ago
the pervasive problems for young teen girls who only wanted to be part of their community
competitive swimming teams and the sexual abuse by coaches, I was stunned. Not stunned that it could
happen, it was the number of times it happened, across the country...disgusting.

We must do better.

[chowder66]

65. it just never ends does it! And yes, I completely agree

We must do better.

[riderinthestorm]

20. ((((chowder66))))

[chowder66]

57. You get a ((((HUG))))) back too!

Thank you so very much.

[closeupready]

21. Like others have said, I'd have written him off entirely.

I know it's easy for an outsider to say that, so I'm not judging you if you don't.

Sending you hugs.

[chowder66]

54. Thanks. I would too if it meant it was better for everyone

but it isn't so I endure. I'm hoping he gets professional help one day or he decides to disown me which would be great!! I'd take either and would prefer the help for him.

Hugs for you too.

[chowder66]

23. Thanks everyone...I'm okay

I was just pissed off to no end last night. This crap rears it's ugly head once in a while and sets me off.

My brother was resentful of me because he had to take care of me, there has never been a single incident outside of that anyone is aware of; he has had step-sons, he has a grown son, he's been around children. He doesn't treat anyone else they way he treats me.

The psychologist said he was not the predator type and that it was more of a direct problem with me, his lack of coping skills coupled with early drug experimentation caused him to direct his emotional responses toward me. We still keep an ear/eye out just in case though.


The reason this gets to me on occasion is because A) I'm human (last time I checked) and B) when it stopped, there were so many others in line to start the process in their own way. Exhibitionists, kidnappers, stranglers, peeping toms, prowlers, aggressors, predators...the lists goes on and it was the never ending stream of encounters with these miscreants and their attempted assaults and one attack. But these are the asshats who cover every newspaper, news programs, etc. And sometimes it just is too much.

Regardless there are so many people effected by this, the poster who shared so much, who lost her whole family over it is a much bigger example of the damage this causes.

[F4lconF16]

24. Pissed off or not...

It was a very valuable post, and I thank you for posting it. It takes courage to say this, even on a an anonymous message board. And it's something that needs to be said, that we need to be reminded of. There are far too many people who have gone through shit like this, and continue to today.

I can't imagine how you function on a daily basis after that torture. If it gets to you at times, it's entirely understandable. This:

The reason this gets to me on occasion is because A) I'm human (last time I checked) and B) when it stopped, there were so many others in line to start the process in their own way. Exhibitionists, kidnappers, stranglers, peeping toms, prowlers, aggressors, predators...the lists goes on and it was the never ending stream of encounters with these miscreants and their attempted assaults and one attack. But these are the asshats who cover every newspaper, news programs, etc. And sometimes it just is too much.

Is exactly what too many people don't understand. People are assaulted, constantly, be it physically, verbally, or mentally. It is exhausting just getting through the day for many. And it's something that our culture is responsible for. We, everyone, need to do what we can to change that. There are myriad ways to do so, from small things in our daily life to big things like speaking up or reporting.

I'm glad you've been able to find mental calm at times. Thank you for these posts.

~Peace

[chowder66]

28. Thank you.

I'm more calm(ish) than not. Just stressed out lately with tax day looming and dead sick of humans abusing each other in any way.

I'll tell you what really set my teeth on edge and does 99% of the time; it's when people, usually the loons on the right, say things like well it's the victims fault, all women should have guns to prevent rape. What?! Men who own guns don't ever get raped or are they all so prepared that they can see when the rapist is coming through their magic 8 ball? That BAD dialogue has got to stop and get out of the way so the real dialogue can begin. And what the hell are newborns and children supposed to do? Pack heat! People use guns in rape, what about that?

These idiots only see it in the context of "sex" and adults > or teens that they obviously think are also "adult enough" which is another sick thing.... but they always skip right over baby and child rape. How convenient for their political agendas and their jacked up ideologies.
One exception is that damn judge that said the rape of the 3 year old "wasn't intentional" and the perp didn't "seek to harm" while somehow implying the child had something to do with getting raped. Well now the children are responsible, that's a level of hell I can't even begin to scream loud enough at. That is the world we live in folks. Where people like this rule. That is so messed up it's messing me up.


Peace; How long can it ever last? Is there Peace w/ no war if there is rape and abuse of humans anywhere? Is there Peace w/ no conflict if there are people hating others for differences?


SHIT I wish I could shake things up in this world.

Scientists need to create a Peace pill or an Asshole vaccine.. puns welcome.
OR maybe that will be my Super Power....to create an Asshole vaccine and bring peace to all living things across the world for ever and ever.

Please forgive my crude language, I'm one of those people it helps when I'm ticked off...and sometimes when I'm not.

[F4lconF16]

34. Ah, crap...taxes.

I should really finish those. Thankfully my federal and one of my state returns are finished, they just need to be filed. I think I'll finish the other state and review them tonight.

It's absolutely insane what some people are saying...how in the hell anyone could ever, ever hold a child responsible for a horror enacted on them is so far beyond me that I literally don't know what to say. And someone recently tried to tell me that guns would help protect women on college campuses, ignoring that now the rapists will have them too. And of course they will be used in assaults rather than self defense, we all know that's true. There's too much shit happening...I guess the only thing I can say is, try to avoid it if it's really stressing you out. There's things I do that with in my life, and it helps a lot. You shouldn't have to, but...maybe it'll help.

I agree that peace is elusive...we're only going to be able to get there if we can realize that the good of society, the good of women and PoC and LGBT and others is the good of us all. We benefit when we all benefit. Right now we are too consumed and blinded by greed and hatred.

There's another thread out there talking about a bong threat in Colorado...someone commented, "Bongs not Bombs". I like that idea. We should start a movement to drop bongs all over the world where we're currently dropping bombs. Could do some good.

If you ever create an asshole vaccine, I know a whole bunch of people that could really use a sharp jab with a sharp object...sign me up! Man it would be nice if someone decent ruled the world, wouldn't it?

And no worries about the profanity--read some of my posts and you'll see you're not the only one.

[chowder66]

43. I think you might have helped blown off my angry-cobwebs

Thanks for the laughs. That is what carries me through, silliness and laughter. Best medicine ever.
I'm re-setting.

Love the Bongs not Bombs idea!!

[F4lconF16]

45. Glad I could help :)

Silliness is always a good remedy!

Here's some baby elephants:


Hope you have a good day

[chowder66]

70. Big Super-Smile on my face! nt

[freshwest]

49. That story of the 3-year was a major thing for me yesterday, so much so I had to talk to someone

IRL because I know so many of these individuals like that child. They'll never be healed. What was done to them was hard wired into their brains and they are in trouble for life. Some lost their minds completely.

It's why I find myself at odds with the right, obviously, and the 'left' at times because they don't see the carnage this creates and want to talk in abstract terms of their 'rights.'

After a while, I just want these prepetrators 'removed from the gene pool' and sadly they won't even be in jail, or if they are, not for long, or public media figures like Candace Crowley will weep for the future of the rapists and not the torn up bodies of the victims, and it comes from the pulpits, the talk shows, the television and the legislators.

It's impossible to miss and it blights my spirit. It is going on around the world. There is no washing it away, when you see what it does to some victims who will eternally need care by professionals that no one wants to pay for. Yet they are the ones at fault as far as the public is concerned.

Meanwhile the perps can only be stopped by other laws at times, like child pornography laws, because their victims will never be able to testify. For every rapist, hundreds go free and are able to do it again.

Take good care of yourself. I won't respond to anyone else on this thread, although it appears most of the responses have been decent ones. I've seen too damned much in life. I carry the stories in my head and heart and will until I die.

[chowder66]

71. Powerfully said.

Thank you. I promise I'll be okay but I will also have to deal with my moments from time to time.

We can heal and yes professional help really is, in my opinion, necessary. There has to be some other way to deter, stop or evaluate for punishment and enforce laws to try to get inroads into this problem. And it needs to get serious on levels yet to be seen.

If we could really make a difference as a people collectively... I know for myself that would be another level of healing to know that others may have better chances in life, better care, avoid becoming perpetrators themselves, etc.

What healing that could provide!

[chowder66]

44. Thank you for that kindness.

I weep for a lot of humans for all kinds of reasons. And if I won't see an end to bad deeds against others (which I won't) I too wish everyone can find a way to forget the bad stuff.

[chowder66]

46. And boy do I feel it! Thank you! nt

[bravenak]

27. I'm sorry.

[chowder66]

47. Thank you.

I'm sorry for that little girl that was once me and all the little kids and big ones (adults) who face hard issues.

[ismnotwasm]

41. ...

[chowder66]

48. Hugging you back. Thank you!

All will be well and I'm getting calmer. Thank you for helping me get there.

[Brett Fitz]

53. Not Buying This Bullshit!

That's the attitude you have to adopt toward your sorry excuse for a "brother." You are courageous! He is a coward! You should give the bastard ZERO regard!

I admire your guts, ma'am!

[chowder66]

75. You're probably right

but I will say that I know his story too and he has a hard road to go down and really needs help. That would be the best outcome for everyone.
There are times that what you say is exactly how I feel I just can't hang on to it for long. I feel selfish and then think of him getting help. But I doubt he ever will so I bounce back to "He's an asshole who won't help himself". Maybe I'll find another way to put it fully to rest someday. One can hope!

Thanks for the encouragement.

[pnwmom]

59. I think you could get a protection order against him. Alternatively, inform him

that you have written a book documenting the abuse, with records from your psychiatrist, and that if he ever contacts you again you will have it published.

And you can, you know. Anyone can publish a book online or offline. You can even get a Library of Congress number and sell it on Amazon.

What happened to you as a child was terrible. His continued pursuit of you is unforgivable.

[chowder66]

76. Thank you but I've mentioned that it's complicated

That would create trouble for my parents who live in the same city as he does. I will not cause them any further misery or have them become victims of his in any other way. I get what you are saying and if shit hit the fan I would most definitely fight back.

I left, I rarely see him or rarely have to hear his voice. That I can and have lived with. Is it difficult at times absolutely. Are other times less difficult? Sure.

This is more about my concern and anger over articles I'm reading coupled with stress and a complication from my own experience blocking my comfort to visit or even move back to my birth city.
it feels like the blame is getting pushed onto victims instead of the motivations and actions of the perps..... the narrative gets lost.
More needs to be done with laws and help for all involved.

[pnwmom]

83. I wasn't suggesting that you actually go public

just that you tell him you will. Would that create trouble for your parents?

I think he's probably, deep down, a coward. And if he's afraid you'll expose him, he will back off.

The other thing you could do is pay a lawyer to write him an official letter warning him to cease and desist efforts to contact you. Sometimes people respond to just the hint of a legal action.

[yallerdawg]

62. People really are something, aren't they?

We do the most heinous things to family and friends.

What can we expect from total strangers? What can they expect from us?

Human nature is most vile and repulsive.

But we can be better. We can salvage the good. We learn to cope. We make our lives.

You're not alone, chowder66. You're not alone!

[chowder66]

77. I really struggle with how people find the energy to harm others

I can barely get mad. It's exhausting and when I do, it's usually a big deal. Hence the pissed off post that was essentially a little kid screaming at everyone who would listen. I couldn't do that when I was that young because I didn't really get it, I dreaded it, I feared it, I changed because of it. But I kept the foundation of who I was born as and it has carried me a long way.

And thank you for sharing yourself. I should thank everybody here for sharing themselves. It has a real effect, a healing one. A hopeful one.

[myrna minx]

68. .

[chowder66]

73. OOOO a Group HUG!!! Squeezes Back!

Thank you!

[pnwmom]

74. "who I am says I have to tolerate that to keep my family somewhat together."

But you're not together, even somewhat, right? You are living far away from your parents because you can't stand to be near him. And you've told them that you can help them but only if they move closer to you.

Is he living with them? Do you answer the phone from him in case he's calling about your parents?

Maybe you should talk to a therapist again. Try with that person's help to figure out a way you can stay involved with your parents without ever having to talk to your brother. As if he were already dead. Your parents know what happened, so let them know this is still a big problem for you, and it always will be. They need to help you remove him from your life.

I am close to a survivor. I know what a terrible experience you went through. Your reaction is completely normal -- for these horribly abnormal circumstances -- and you shouldn't ever feel the least bit guilty for doing what you can to heal and protect yourself.

[chowder66]

79. Thanks again. And yes, I've been trying to figure that out with them

It isn't easy. And they are very approachable about this but we have gotten down to as close as we can without creating turmoil that topples us all. I have to give my parents credit for being as strong as they are but they aren't as young as they once were.

I don't talk to him if I can help it but if he's been drinking then that is when it gets bad and he calls over and over and then will start calling my parents late at night. This is not good. So if he calls 4 times, I pick up and tell him I can't talk, if he overruns me I sometimes let him babble on and sometimes walk away from the phone while he's still talking.
The key is to get it done with so I can go a year or so without hearing from him. I don't get "triggered" every time. It only happens if he is particularly nasty and he hasn't been that way the last couple of times. Is he a pain to deal with, yes but again, it is limited.

I appreciate the advice but we've made it pretty far together as a family and we will come through this. I really just don't want others to have go through it. I want more done about it.

[jonno99]

78. Thank you for sharing your life. I'm am so sorry.

We just found out this last year that my own little brother was molested multiple times by a "friends" dad. He was 11 at the time, he was threatened to not to tell anyone. He is now in his 40's; never married - so many rocky relationships.

He tried so HARD to deal with it. He said he didn't want those events to DEFINE him. But he finally broke down last year and told my mom - who told me. Apparently the molester moved away - my brother doesn't remember their name.

I'm sorry, I'm weeping for my baby brother, I'm weeping for you.

I hope you are able to find some peace - and love...

[chowder66]

81. I'm so terribly sorry and I'm so glad he opened up

That really can help get the healing going. I get him a bit, though obviously he's a he and I'm a she so there are some differences there I can't speak to.
I tried to deal with it on my own and was actually getting almost masterful at it, impressed my psychologist when he met me but there was so much more to deal with.

Coping is what he focused on, my doctor that is. It was really important. He also helped me with depression in the most simple way but it may not work for everyone. He just said. It's okay to be depressed. There is nothing wrong with that, it's a normal reaction. He said if I hadn't had any depression then he would be really worried.

So I have always hung onto "It's okay to be depressed" it's my way of working through it. Granted, I am not a depressive person. I do get depressed over depressing things sometimes and not for long which is important.
And your brother is right, it shouldn't define him but it is a part of him and it is up to him in many ways to find a way to gain strength or insight or knowledge from surviving it and moving through it.
What I try to do when things are particularly rotten or oogie, is to remind myself that this happened over 40 years ago. It belongs in the past although the ramifications show up from time to time and in ways you can't know. Those are the tough days but they can be beaten back with a few good tools, hell they can even be blocked if you focus on the day and your life as it is and not as it was. But there are times it's hard and for me it usually has to do with others. Other people going through this that gets my blood boiling. I am getting better with that after I learned the difference between empathy and sympathy. It isn't perfected yet though.

As you can see, I had a bad day. It got to me. Though I was angry and not shredded. I feel like I threw up all over DU, sorry guys! But now that I've purged, I'm going to see if I can gain some new insights and if they don't come, I'll go back around when I'm feeling emotionally strong or I just might skip it all together and come back to it someday if I have to.

What I liked about my psychiatrist is that he didn't put me on anything. We would also talk about other aspects of my life and it wasn't always serious. It felt safe and at times awkward, especially in the beginning and he was a great listener. He didn't constantly talk which I think is a good sign of a good doctor.

I absolutely wish your brother and your family the emotional best!

[Hekate]

82. Peace, peace, peace

My experience was nowhere near as awful as yours, but when it finally all came out it tore my family apart, and I had tried so hard to make my family be the family I wanted it to be. My mother hated me thereafter, because she hated herself. My younger brother was angry and minimized my experience. (You know what they say about siblings not having the same parents, in an emotional sense. My brother got the fine upstanding Boy Scout leader. I got the other guy.)

Dad died 20 years ago. Mom died 8 years ago. My brother doesn't bother to stay in touch, and when I remember the night Mom died and how I was shoved into a hotel by him and abandoned it still takes my breath away. If it weren't for my sister, that family would be gone.

Mostly -- well, there is no "mostly" I guess. What happens is that sometimes I think about the ages of my brother's three children. I want to ask him about his daughter, "Do you think this would be okay at 3 years?" (the age my dad got to my daughter) "How about 12 years? think that's okay if there's no 'violence'?" (me, age 12 through 13)

Mostly I'm okay, and these thoughts only arise occasionally. But it affects my life profoundly, because when they do arise I know it's going to be a bad day.

You can't make your family of origin be normal or loving. They aren't. Your parents know now, even if they didn't know then. Yet they choose to stay in relationship with him. My mother didn't know until I was into my 30s, yet she chose to stay with my dad until death did them part, and despite everything I tried to do to help her over the years, nothing was ever ever ever right between us again.

I wish you peace. It's a very hard-won condition for us. I have friends who screen their calls, always, and they have members of their families they don't talk to for very good reasons. Therapy has no age limit, either. Find someone you like who has a sliding scale of fees, and don't be ashamed to take a break, even a long one, and go back again.

A month or so after mom was buried and I knew we would all have to meet again at her condo to clean it out, I saw a silver bracelet in a magazine and ordered it. Whatever you think of prayer, this one spoke to me, and having it on a bracelet meant I could actually hold it. In abbreviated form, it speaks of the peace and well-being that people such as you and I and so many others think we do not deserve. It starts with "all beings" but it's vitally important that it comes back to "I"

May all beings be peaceful
may all beings be happy
may all beings be safe
may all beings awaken to the light of their true nature
may all beings be free from suffering