Walmart To Texas Wingnuts: We’re Not Building Secret Tunnels So China Can Come Kill You

[octoberlib]

by Evan Hurst
May 06 9:15 am 2015

High priest of the nutjob conspiracy theorists Alex Jones has utterly lost control of his congregation. He has tried to assure the Operation Jade Helm 15 truthers that a string of Walmart closings around the country have absolutely nothing to do with the TOTALLY REAL Jade Helm conspiracy, which is that a completely routine military exercise is actually a secret plot whereby President Obama may invade and conquer Texas, maybe as a way to give it to ISIS as a peace gift, or something, who can even know what Obama has up his sleeve? But the loons just won’t listen to Alex Jones, so Walmart has had to jump in and issue perhaps the most awesome press statement in the history of Walmart:


Wal-Mart issued a statement Monday to TPM dismissing “rumors” that tunnels were being built by the U.S. military beneath closed stores in an attempt to launch a takeover of Texas.

“There’s no truth to the rumors,” Wal-Mart spokesperson Lorenzo Lopez told TPM via email.

Theorists have suggested that five Wal-Mart retail locations were shuttered abruptly because of Jade Helm 15. They have suggested that the closed stores, one of which is located in Texas, will serve as “food distribution centers” and will be used to “house the headquarters of invading troops from China, here to disarm Americans one by one.”



Read more at http://wonkette.com/584773/walmart-to-wingnuts-were-not-building-secret-tunnels-so-china-can-come-kill-you#9LSKPO0KYbh2VyiH.99



This just gets nuttier and nuttier.

[hifiguy]

1. That they should even have to deny this

speaks volumes about the huge number of blithering morans there are in this country. How do these fly-eating gomers manage to wipe their asses without IKEA-like directions on each sheet of TP?

[Cirque du So-What]

4. To paraphrase some anonymous wordsmith

They're so stupid they couldn't pour piss out of a pointy-toed cowboy boot if directions were written on the heel.

[hifiguy]

7. It was Lyndon Johnson who said that.

[Cirque du So-What]

16. I can see that

LBJ was famous for turning a pithy phrase or two - and an occasional salty one.

[NoJusticeNoPeace]

6. We are in for a real bad summer. These exercises, SC taking away teaparty right to hate

gays legally, etc.

ACA about to be destroyed.

Real real bad summer

[NoJusticeNoPeace]

2. Jesus no, the stores are closing to punish the workers who want to eat

[951-Riverside]

3. Lopez went on to say "Relax! We're just union busting!"

[octoberlib]

10. +1 Ha!

[Aerows]

5. It was shady

when they stated they were closing the stores for 6 months due to plumbing issues - but there are a number of reasons that aren't unhinged to be suspicious of that stated claim.

Are they to be used as supply depots during the Jade Helm 15 exercises? It's possible, and that isn't absolutely insane, because they are strategically located in the areas where the exercises are occurring. Did they close them down due to the fact that many places were organizing to form a union? That's also possible and not batshit crazy.

Could it be a combination of the two? That's also a non-nuts option.

Creating a bunch of underground tunnels so that the FEMA wagon and China can come for the population? Uh, that's not just around the bend crazy, that's epically insane.

[octoberlib]

14. Oh, I definitely don't believe it was plumbing issues.

Probably union busting but I have to give the Texans props because it's quite an accomplishment to come up with a crazier conspiracy theory than Alex Jones.

[dixiegrrrrl]

20. Some of the closed stores are in states where Jade Helm with not take place.

I buy the union busting explanation.

[sarisataka]

8. It wouldn't be the first time

The military used tunnels to launch clandestine activities

[earthside]

9. I have trouble believing Walmart.

So ...

Who to believe, Walmart or the Jade Helm 15 truthers?

I'd say this one is a toss-up.

[pinboy3niner]

18. Who are we to believe, Wal-Mart or our lyin' eyes?

We've seen MINERS at a Texas Wal-Mart!

[ck4829]

11. "Food Distribution Centers" Maybe the Tea-addled should just shut down everything involved in that

All grocery stores, convenience stores, farmers markets, etc. are all closed! Take that, federal government.

[gratuitous]

12. These people are very scared and very ignorant

That is not a good combination, but it didn't happen by accident.

[lpbk2713]

13. God created people like this to show he/she has a sense of humor.

I'm convinced.

[lame54]

15. the real reason they shut them down is worse...

to punish and intimidate the employees for daring to ask for a decent wage

so childish

[justiceischeap]

17. This shows just how stupid these people are

If China wanted to damage the U.S., all they'd have to do is call in their loans. Boom, takeover of America done.

[hifiguy]

22. But then the Chinese wouldn't have anywhere to sell

all their cheap shit or even the good Chinese-made products.

They aren't dumb.

[justiceischeap]

24. No, the Chinese aren't dumb

It's the "China is preparing for a U.S. invasion" people that are.

[sufrommich]

19. So it's North Korean troops then? nt

[hifiguy]

23. Must be.

[Katashi_itto]

21. Pity we can't strap Texas into a chair and leave it alone in a room with New Jersey.

Oh, by the way for the Humor impaired. This is Humor.