Funny ACLU Letter about Section 215, Patriot Act and mass government surveillance
215 Reasons Why Section 215 Needs to Go Away: A Fictionalized Soap-Operatic Dramatization of One Person’s Life Lived Under Section 215
1. The NSA can collect and store all data about every phone call you make.
2. For instance, remember how last month you drunk-dialed your ex 4 times in the middle of the night? Yeah, the NSA knows about that.
3. They know she didn't call you back.
4. Remember how the next day you called your therapist five times? They know that, too.
5. They know your therapist did call you back! Phew!
6. And that you talked for 2 hours.
7. They also know that after you talked to your therapist you called your ex 3 more times.
8. And that she didn't pick up, not even once.
Isn’t it time to let unconstitutional and unwarranted government surveillance die?
9. Turns out that while your ex wasn’t picking up your calls, she was on the phone with your best friend. Yup, the NSA knows that.
10. Your best buddy and your ex have always been close. In fact, the NSA knows they’ve talked at least once every day since you guys broke up.
11. Actually, the NSA knows they were calling each other pretty regularly before you broke up, too.
12. Doesn’t it seem unfair that the NSA knows your best buddy and your ex are talking on the phone constantly but you don’t?
13. Because at the end of each day, major phone companies hand over to the NSA records of who called whom, when, and for how long.
14. Did you know that the NSA could also use Section 215 to track your financial records without getting a warrant?
15. That night you drunk-dialed your ex? The NSA can use some fancy data correlation techniques to figure out that after you bought a whole lot of drinks at the bar, you went and got a tank of gas.
16. And that you got an egg and cheese sandwich at the deli the next morning.
17. And that Bloody Mary you got at the White Horse Tavern at 10am with your credit card. Hair of the dog? No one wants the NSA to know about their morning cocktail.
Don’t think the NSA should have access to your financial records without a warrant? Tell Congress.
18. Having a rough weekend, aren’t you, buddy? The NSA knows all about it. You might want to consider using cash and a burner phone.
19. Ah, Monday. Time for you and the NSA to settle in to a slow day at the office, and some web searches about your ex. Can you believe she posted those photos online?
20. The NSA might know that when you chatted with your best buddy about those photos, he was also chatting with your ex. That’s not cool.
21. Under Section 215, the NSA may also be collecting hotel records.
22. About those hotel records. Your best buddy and your ex? Yeah… Sometimes the NSA knows things you don’t ever wanna know.
23. As adorably archaic as it may sound, the NSA can also collect library records.
24. So, for example, when your ex took out “The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships”? Mmmhmmm.
25. And how she also took out “How to Cheat on Your Boyfriend with His Best Friend And Get Away with It”? We’re kidding. That book doesn’t exist. But if it did and she took it out, the NSA might know.
26. If only the NSA also offered relationship counseling services. They know more about you than your therapist does!
27. What else could the NSA collect under Section 215? Prescription records, for one.
28. Do you think the NSA has put together the Viagra prescription you never got filled with your ex’s frequent phone calls to your best buddy?
29. We’re not saying those two things are linked, but you never know what connections the NSA is making. They do have those high-powered data crunching algorithms, after all.
Don’t let this invasion of privacy get five more years to live! Section 215 should expire today.
30. This Monday sure won’t end. Good you called your therapist and scheduled an emergency midday session. And good thing the NSA is keeping logs of all those calls. Just in case!
31. Except you told your boss you have an off-site meeting. Let’s hope your boss and the NSA never compare notes. Because under Section 215 or related Patriot Act provisions, the NSA may also be collecting your cell phone location information.
32. So, for example, when you stop at the drug store after your “off-site meeting” to fill your therapist’s prescription for sleeping pills?
33. Lots of juicy data for the NSA! Maybe next time don’t drive 80 mph down the highway, mkay?
34. And, of course, there are the details about the actual prescription.
35. Do you really want the NSA to know that you just got the last batch a week ago and already need a refill?
36. Are they really getting all of this this without a warrant?
37. Without having to prove that you’ve done anything wrong?
38. Why on earth does the NSA get to know all your embarrassing secrets?
39. Even all that stuff you’re hiding from your ex, your best buddy, your therapist?
Does Section 215 sound grim yet? Sign to protect your privacy.
40. Your pal Jack always manages to cheer you up. Give him a call. After all, if we don’t call our nearest and dearest to say hi, the crack phone surveillance team at the National Security Agency might get bored.
41. Did you know that Jack has recently made some rather unsavory acquaintances?
42. Don’t worry - the NSA does.
43. There’s this awesome thing called “two hop” collection under Section 215. It allows the NSA to link you to Jack’s new “friends” for years to come.
44. Did we mention how unsavory they are? They’re not exactly the folks you’d invite over for a barbeque, that’s for sure. But that sure did pique the NSA’s interest!
45. Let’s do some fun NSA “two hop” math: if you have 100 contacts, and those folks have 100 contacts, that’s 10,000 people.
46. If one of those 10,000 has come under suspicion, time to flag you and your data for a super special database!
47. Sure hope none of those 10,000 people have ever done something unsavory. Uh, thanks Jack.
Section 215 needs to go away. Seriously.
48. Even after to talking to Jack, you’re still feeling a little blue. Maybe a quick heart-to-heart with your Rabbi will help?
49. Guess what? The NSA also collects information about communications between faith leaders and congregants!
50. You give Rabbi Val a call. Data point collected and stored.
51. The fact that you were on the phone with her for 35 minutes? Yes, they know that.
52. Oh, and get this! The NSA could also request a list of anyone else who worships at your synagogue.
53. Or your co-worker Ahmed’s mosque - they could be tracking everyone who worships there, just because.
54. In fact, the NSA could request a list of people who belong to any organization, like, say, an environmental group.
55. That $50 donation you made to protect naked mole rats? Under Section 215, an organization’s records, papers, and documents could be collected.
56. What would the NSA do with lists of environmentalists, anyway? Sorry buddy, there’s no way to find out what they’re doing with it.
57. Doesn’t that seem a little Orwellian? Even naked mole rats might agree. A federal judge did. But that didn’t stop the NSA.
58. Come to think about it, what about that group you dabbled with in college, the pro-marijuana-legalization activists? (Everyone has a wild phase in college, right?) Mmmmm more data!
59. Under Section 215, that membership list could be collected, too. Wild phase notwithstanding.
Don’t think your wild phase in college should be fair game for NSA databases? If thousands of us join together and shout it from the rooftops (or every major newspaper in America) maybe Congress will finally get the message.
https://action.aclu.org/secure/Section215?ms=web_150428_nationalsecurity_section215...
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