Bullied 12-year old girl kills herself after school told her to "toughen up"

[davidn3600]

Alyssa Morgan was just 12 years old when she committed suicide in her home in Pleasant Hill, Iowa on April 3rd. Her mom, Nicole, is speaking out against the middle school that she says, didn't protect her daughter when she was bullied for being bisexual. She contacted her local TV station, KCCI, because she feels Alyssa's story needs to be told.

Nicole says that at home, her daughter was a typical 12-year-old who loved to draw, play video games, and put on makeup. But when she went to school, she was teased mercilessly and made to feel "worthless." She would come home from school crying, and even started to self-harm by cutting herself.

When Alyssa came out as bisexual to her family, they supported her, saying, "We love you no matter what," Nicole told the Des Moines Register. But at school, kids called her names and told her she was "disgusting." When Nicole complained to the school, she alleges that their attitude was that students need to "toughen up," she says.

Nicole claims the school, Southeast Polk Junior High, knew what was happening, but did nothing to protect her daughter from bullies. Just two years ago, 16-year-old gay student A.J. Betts committed suicide. His mom feels like the school is trying to "cover up their lack of responsibility."

http://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/family/bullied-12-year-old-girl-commits-suicide-after-school-allegedly-tells-students-to-toughen-up/ar-BBjPxSa?ocid=iehp

According to the article, this is the 15th suicide at this school in the past 12 years!

Another link..
http://www.advocate.com/bisexuality/2015/05/09/bullied-teen-dies-suicide-mom-says-school-told-daughter-toughen?page=full

[In_The_Wind]

1. May Alyssa rest in peace.

[Initech]

2. That is a statistic no school should have.

12 suicides in 15 years? Something is completely fucked up there. That school is not doing its job when it comes to bullying. No family should have to endure this tragedy. But 12? At one school? Wrong. Just wrong.

[KingCharlemagne]

33. Maybe the School District hired Mitt Romney's Bain Capital as a consultant. I hear tell that

Mitt has a lot of experience as a bullier of youth. (Google 'John Lauber'.)

[erronis]

48. Or maybe schools/districts are hiring outside consultants

to make the public schools such a terrible place to be.

Why?

To promote the newest friendly private school right down the street.

For Profit. (That's why Bain Capital caught my eye. Wasn't one of Barb Bush's little spawn involved in making money off of the public education system?)

I really hate to see conspiracy theories lurking around every corner but most of the actions taken against any public welfare items appear to be thwarted by republican or big-money-funded democrats.

[mother earth]

58. The rise of the oligarchy is real, it's not CT when it is exactly what is behind all of what's

playing out, all of our problems are part of problem-reaction-solution for the "failures for profits", disaster capitalism.

[KingCharlemagne]

66. "You can call me a 'conspiracy theorist' if I can call you a 'coincidence theorist' " (Quote attrib-

Last edited Sun May 17, 2015, 11:47 AM - Edit history (1)

uted to Michael Parenti, source uncertain).

[mother earth]

68. I didn't call anyone a CT, and don't appreciate the other CT term you seem to be applying to me.

These things are done intentionally, the drive to privatize is intentional.

Care to clarify?

[KingCharlemagne]

69. Sorry, I used very sloppy word choice and poor punctuation. It's a saying by

Michael Parenti directed at those who use "conspiracy theorist" as a cudgel to stifle debate. Was most definitely not directed at you personally. And should be read more as "One can call me a 'conspiracy theorist,' so long as I can call one a 'coincidence theorist.'"

Have edited the offending post to clarify.

Hope this helps clarify. I actually agree with your original sentiment 100%!

[mother earth]

70. TY very much, you had me worried.

[KingCharlemagne]

71. FWIW, I love tossing 'coincidence theorist' at jerks who try to shut me

up by dismissing me as a 'conspiracy theorist.' Works like a charm to get them to STFU!

[AwakeAtLast]

42. I completely agree! n/t

[libdem4life]

3. Still holding the students responsible???? What are adults for????

"Our students have really been the driving force and have taken ownership in preventing bullying in our schools."

IOW, stay in the closet. Therein lies the problem.

[Nay]

29. I know. But it's been that way for many years. My poor kid, at age 12, was

getting bullied and beat up (this was about 20 years ago) and the school was totally dismissive. I even called the other kid's parents, who screamed at me, basically. I told them that my lawyer was gonna be talking to their lawyer if my son was injured -- long story short, I had to tell my kid to punch this other kid after they got off the bus (oh, the schools was BIG on no disruption on the bus) and that's what he had to do. The bullying stopped.

But this poor girl -- it's one thing to have one random person bullying you; you can see a way out if you can find a way to deal with this one person. But a bunch of bullies? Poor little thing. No 12-year-old should have to deal with this.

[erronis]

49. I was there too, 50+ years ago

But I was really not into bloody noses and didn't ever want to be confrontational.

I wasn't submissive but I'd try to sweet-talk/charm/joke my way out of most situations. In 90+% times it worked. A couple I had to suffer the ignominy of being sprawled on my butt. Oddly, I've interacted with some perps in later life and everything seems normal.

I just hated schools in the 6-10th grades and I had a few. Kids at that age should all be sent to segregated facilities (by sex or interests or whatever) and learn some life skills. Hormones are kicking in - stop trying to teach them about the Holy Roman Empire or the War Between The States. Teach them how to make a bed, tie a good knot, find their way in the woods, read/write poetry or draw comics or whatever.

[greiner3]

64. "...segregated facilities (by sex or interests or whatever)..."

How about genetic abnormalities via their parents

[erronis]

65. That, of course, includes all of us.

And you point out the weakness in trying to deal with a large group of people (children?) that are all on different paths because of many background influences.

Some school systems try to have individualized instruction and environments for various groups - how these groups are defined is probably rather different depending on the system.

Some school systems (and the Army/etc.) say that the student needs to conform. Period.

Home schooling is an alternative where there is per-student individualized teaching but it also may be reinforcing problems within the home/environment rather than helping the student to learn how to deal with some of the rest of the world.

[mopinko]

4. 14 dead kids and you say "toughen up"?

wtf is wrong w these people?

[Ilsa]

34. That sounds like an invitation to create

a Columbine response to the bullies, doesn't it? Those two boys that were bullied "toughened up."

[NuclearDem]

5. I really want to be angry, but all I can be right now is sad.

[rhett o rick]

6. We live in a bully culture. Our TV and movie heros bully "the bad guys". People don't understand

bullying and often look at the bully as macho and the victim as a whimp. Even here in DU when confronted for bullying posters will respond, "they deserved it." That's the justification that all bullies use. When a child is bullied, it's because they deserved it. That's what the bullies will tell you and the authorities will most of the time agree. Self-Righteous bullying. The violin player that lost her violin said some things that many thought were inappropriate. That was all the Self-Righteous bullies needed to call out the posse and look for a rope. "I can bully when I am on the side of goodness. Of course I get to decide what "goodness" is."

I ask those that might be tempted to bully someone because you think you are right and they are wrong or weak or weird, what is your goal with the bullying? Please ask yourself that.

[nadinbrzezinski]

8. recommend

[rhett o rick]

11. You know much better than I. I salute you Nadin.

[nadinbrzezinski]

12. Yeah and they are back at it

They are adorable (not)

[longship]

25. I recommend your recommend.

Glad to see you back, my good friend.


I am with you on this issue. Bullying is a horrible thing. I know that first hand. It is why I despise it so much. I only wish that others here could know what I know, and what others here have known.

Being able to post anonymously here is no excuse for being a bully. In fact, there are no excuses whatsoever for such activities.

Again, you are a highly valued DU citizen. There are many here who have your back.

My best to you.

[AZ Progressive]

13. America is a half civilized country

America puts a pretense of civilization but many parts of its culture is still savage.

[KingCharlemagne]

35. We live in a sado-masochistic culture that celebrates torture and cruelty, so long

as it's practiced on an 'other.'

Freud would have a field day with contemporary American culture.

[rhett o rick]

40. I so agree. nm

[F4lconF16]

41. Freud caused many of our issues we see today.

Including the rigid definition of gender roles based off of the superiority of men. He's done more to harm women, children, and lgbtqia peoples than almost anyone else.

I don't like Freud

[KingCharlemagne]

45. Isaac Newton believed in and practiced alchemy. Shall we toss out Newton's contributions

to Physics and Mathematics because he was wrong on something? If you think Freud made women's and children's situation worse than it was before Freud, then I think you should probably take a course in European intellectual and social history (or perhaps a course in the history of science). Because you're wrong by almost any standard worth referencing.

[hifiguy]

43. We are as backward a culture as exists on the planet.

Certainly among the developed countries. 'murkan exceptionalism strikes again.

[backscatter712]

72. Hey, just look at the most popular religion of our sado-masochistic culture.

It has either a torture/execution device, or a man on a torture/execution device as its trademark symbol.

And the most holy ritual it has is essentially ritual cannibalism and vampirism of the deity.

[kcr]

78. The problem is it goes too far in the other direction.

The movement on the internet now seems to me is it's wrong to shame bullies. Call out a bully and you're told shaming is never the answer. It's the very reason I gave some pushback in the violinist thread. How were the some of the nasty posts against anyone who didn't feel the violinist's twitter was right not shaming themselves? Some of those posts were really over the top. That was a case where I could actually see both sides. Some who felt her post was inappropriate were very reasonable in expressing that opinion, and the the nastiness directed at those posts used your very reasoning, yet sounded very much like bullies to me.

[rhett o rick]

81. We all recognize the big brute bully. But many don't recognize the self-righteous bully.

For example if you are driving down the road and a big truck squeezes you off the road, you easily recognize that bully. But let's say a typical guy is driving with his family and someone wants to change lanes in front of him and he speeds up not letting them in. The justification is that "they should have thought about changing lanes before the last minute." That's also being a bully.

It's easy to find a self-righteous excuse for being a bully. "He is a bully and deserves to be bullied." Really? That's how all bullies think. They think they are justified. I have asked posters here, for example, why they are ridiculing another poster. The answer always is, "They deserve it."

No one deserves to be bullied. But don't mistaken this to mean one should stand up to bullies. There is a huge difference to standing up and bullying back.

[kcr]

82. The problem is people don't recognize the self righteous bully when it is themselves

If I think someone is being a jerk, and I feel inclined to, I'm going to tell them they're being a jerk. No one is entitled to speak or act consequence free. That's it. I'm not going to worry about whether or not I should because there's no should about it as far as I'm concerned.

Deserve really has got nothing to do with it. That's why the whole flap about the violinist was ridiculous to me. If I saw another long winded post about how people just didn't understand that instruments are important to musicians! They're expensive! I was going to break out the ignore thread button. Because do they think people are stupid? I almost responded with something like, "Really? She couldn't just chop down a tree and make another one? Like Pa Ingalls?" I agreed with people who said she was in shock, but I also thought it was a shocking tweet to see given that people were dead. Musicians love their instruments, but alive people love their bodies. The cost of the instrument has nothing to do with it.

[rhett o rick]

83. I just think that too many are too quick to jump in and dish out self-righteous retribution.

Telling someone that you think they were insensitive is one thing, but thinking you are justified to be insensitive as retribution is wrong.

I am not referring to you as I am not aware of your reaction. I am speaking in general.

[kcr]

84. I realize you were speaking generally

I think it's always wise to think before you speak, of course. I was speaking generally also, and was really speaking more of a trend I'm seeing, and not just on DU. There seems to be a movement of sorts that purports to be about bullying on the internet but seems to me to be aimed more at those who are speaking out against what would have been more traditionally been called bullying. That raises my hackles to no end.

[heaven05]

7. This is sad

with education, this would have never happened. Ignorant cruel people caused this tragedy. May her spirit find peace.

[NBachers]

9. How can this school face an epidemic of student suicides without acknowledging and responding?

What in God's name is wrong with these people?

[AZ Progressive]

10. This is what schools basically tell kids, "your supposed to learn to defend yourself"

I had to deal with this attitude from school when I was young (back in the 80's-90's.) I eventually moved to a school where the kids didn't care to bully me. But damn, schools in this country, the school faculty and administration hardly does anything to protect you.

I knew this attitude was given to boys but I didn't know it was also given to girls.

[CoffeeCat]

16. Really sad that this is said to kids…

Kids are not supposed to be at school to learn to "toughen up" and "defend themselves."

They are in school to learn. Geez!

I'm sorry this happened to you. It's wrong.

I fail to see exactly what the school thinks they are preparing kids for? In the real world, outside of the confines of school--if someone physically abuses you, threatens you or harasses you--that's a crime. You file charges and the criminal is arrested. That's the real world. So, in no real-world scenario--do grown adults hit one another, stalk them, terrorize them, repeatedly harass them and get away with it.

Kids are vulnerable. Kids who are bullied are often shy or unable to communicate well and they are vulnerable. It's the school's job to protect them, not turn them into Rambo. Not all of us ARE Rambo. Some of us are shy or introverted and that's they way we like it.

It's the bully who needs to change. Innocent kids who are bullied are doing nothing wrong.

[sendero]

27. And if you DO...

... "defend yourself", you will be punished.

[sakabatou]

61. Yeah, learned that way myself.

Kicked my bully in the stomach, got in trouble.

[tblue37]

38. But if a victim tries to defend himself or herself, the *victim* gets punished by the school for

Last edited Sat May 16, 2015, 12:59 PM - Edit history (1)

fighting or causing a disruption.

[awoke_in_2003]

44. Sometimes I think

that we live in a non-funny version of Catch 22

[backscatter712]

73. Or the schools just put you in the Catch 22.

They imply you're supposed to be tough and defend yourself if you're bullied, regardless of whether the bully's bigger than you, or has more clout because he's on the football team, or so on.

But if you actually do take matters into your own hands, all of the sudden it's ZERO TOLERANCE! YOU'RE EXPELLED! From the same administration that turned a blind eye to the bullies that physically abused people.

[AngryDem001]

14. Yeah, Alyssa! TOUGHEN UP!!

We all know sexual orientation is a choice! Don't want to get bullied? Don't be bi!

[CoffeeCat]

15. I have worked in this school before...

…and I have worked in fifty other schools in the state.

I'm generalizing, but each school has a different vibe. I distinctly remember this school and there was a lot of attitude there. Lots of incredibly rude kids. Lots of kids with attitude. In junior high, you see this quite a bit. It's a tough time for kids. Growing up and middle school are challenging.

However, the kids here, in general--seemed to be a bit rough around the edges. Many were rude to me, and I'm an adult working inside the school system in Iowa.

This school is in Altoona, Iowa--which is a suburb just outside of Des Moines. The population has exploded within the past ten years. Lots of new construction and yuppies. This school district has the money to put toward this issue. Fifteen suicides in 12 years is an epidemic. I live in a similar town nearby, and we've had no suicides in the past 15 years.

Someone is in denial and wanting to cover up--to avoid PR problems. This school really should be forced to deal with their very-real epidemic of kids killing themselves.

I personally do not understand why bullying is not treated as a criminal matter. If adults harassed and physically abused each other--charged would be filed. Arrests would be made. Why is it ok when kids do this in schools? School should be the one place where you can be safe. I think the juvenile justice system should be involved, and I also think there should be a "three strikes" rule in every school. You bully once and you're suspended for two days. A second time and you're out for two weeks. Third time and you are expelled. Good bye and good luck. Kids who terrorize other kids should not be around other kids who are only trying to learn. It's really sick to ignore this. The psychological damage done to the victims lasts a lifetime.

[AZ Progressive]

20. One would think that schools should protect kids, but it seems that that's not the school admin's...

understanding, not when I was in school.

Parents are forced to send their children to school, the school should have the duty to protect their children.

[AZ Progressive]

23. I was bullied for six straight years, going to school felt like going to a warzone

You never feel safe, your always dealing with constant anxiety, especially during breaks or in P.E.

[etherealtruth]

37. i am so sorry you had to go through this

[Dont call me Shirley]

53. I'm sorry you had to experience that, you should have been protected.

[nessa]

31. I don't think involving the police in these situations would help anything.

Schools are far too quick to pawn their problems off on the police. The school district administration and staff should be held accountable for their incompetence.

[KingCharlemagne]

36. Not sure I'm completely down with "three strikes" rules for 12-year-olds and,

specifically, the "good bye and good luck" corollary. How about a third strike includes a mandatory sentence to a juvenile justice facility?

[Lunabell]

17. Sadly, I recommend this.

RIP Alyssa.

[cyberswede]

18. I feel sick.

My daughter is 12. I can't even fathom what kind of pain that poor girl must have been in.

[JHB]

19. The people who speak of the need to "toughten up"...

...never actually teach how to do that, and it never seems to enter their thinking that the other kids need to learn to not act that way.

[lobodons]

24. What do you mean by "toughen up"?

I know right. What do you mean by "Toughen up"? Does this mean to fight back? Is the school advocating fighting? Does this mean to take the bullying which would be advocating bullying? Toughen up? What does this mean?

[justiceischeap]

26. Grow a thicker skin of course

My nickname in my new middle school was She-man. I was picked on relentlessly until one summer between my freshman and sophomore years I took a girl twice my size down a peg or two in front of most of my bullies. They hated her worse than me so I became "cool".

It still obviously sticks with me this many years later. (This happened in the mid to late 80's)

[Dont call me Shirley]

55. ...

You should never have be driven to the point of violence. Shame on the abusers! Shame on the adults!

[Nay]

30. Exactly. God help you if your kid takes a swing back at the bully. You'll find the school

officials will practically have him hauled off by the cops for daring to strike back or do anything but whimper about the bullying. And if you are the parent and file a complaint, god help you, too -- you'll be classified as 'trouble' and you won't be anything else for the rest of the time your kid is in school.

Sadly, I think many adults take secret pleasure in watching bullying. They could get in trouble if they, as adults, assaulted someone, but they can enjoy watching it vicariously. It's a sick mind that does this, but in this savage culture it seems to be cool.

[secondwind]

21. too sad for words....

[DallasNE]

22. Who Should "Toughen Up" Is The Principal

Rather than picking on the victim the school needs to stand up to the bullies. Odds are that the parents of the bullies are themselves bullies and the Principal just doesn't want to stand up to the parents so they take the path of least resistance. Rather cowardly, I would say. But there are consequences to this cowardly behavior. One wonders, has the same principal been at that school for the last 12 years?

[Gothmog]

28. This school is horrible

[mnhtnbb]

32. This kind of thing is going on everywhere--especially related to sexual identity/preference--

The issue has exploded here in Orange County, NC at an elementary school where
a (gay) teacher decided to try to put a stop to bullying by reading a fable about two
princes marrying. Of course some right wing parents found out and filed a complaint
against the teacher. The school was required to hold a public meeting to address the complaint --200 parents showed up, most
to support the teacher--and one of the complaining parents ended up being escorted out
by security because he was so disruptive. Gee, wanting to bully the school review committee?

Of course these kids are learning at home how to bully others. A$$hole parents teaching
their kids to be just like them.

http://www.newsobserver.com/news/local/community/chapel-hill-news/article21135498.html

[Jefferson23]

39. Toughen up? 15 suicides in 12 years, that is horrific. RIP for this poor kid. n/t

[Enthusiast]

46. Kicked

and recommended! This is sad beyond words.

[Omaha Steve]

47. K&R!

[alphafemale]

50. The culture of "Zero Tolerance" needs to be removed

The only thing bullies have ever understood is getting their ass kicked.

No one is going to "talk to them for you" and make them stop "WAHHH baby!"

YOU have to make them stop picking on you.

This was understood for untold generations.

Zero tolerance makes kids reluctant to nose fist someone begging for it and emboldens bullies.

[Dont call me Shirley]

51. Alyssa...

Maybe someday schools will really protect the bullied instead of the bullies. Too many schools anti-bully programs are shells with no meat.

[DFW]

52. The principal needs to be re-assigned

I think a new, more appropriate position would be as a soccer ball during varsity practice.

[backscatter712]

74. Drag that principal into a dark alley...

...and kneecap him.

Then when he's writhing on the ground in agony, tell him "TOUGHEN UP! WALK IT OFF!"

[oberliner]

54. This headline is total BS

At no point did any representative from the school tell this girl to "toughen up".

That is not even alleged anywhere in the article.

The allegation is that this phrase characterized the school's attitude according to the mother. The headline is deceptive and click bait worthy.

[Dont call me Shirley]

56. This story is about a dead little girl, dead by her own hands, murdered by bullies.

Compassion is a more worthy response.

Alyssa...

[oberliner]

60. Amen

It is a tragic story.

BS headlines are a bit of a pet peeve of mine, but thanks for putting things in perspective.

[Dont call me Shirley]

62. ...

[kcr]

79. 15 suicides in 12 years.

You may have missed that part, so I thought I'd mention it again.

[oberliner]

80. That is insane

But like I mentioned, the headline gives the appearance that someone at the school told this girl to "toughen up" - the words are put in quotation marks in the headline - and there is actually no evidence that such a phrase was used.

Obviously the school has issues that it needs to deal with. To have that many students committing suicide is a major problem.

[allan01]

57. gah

i am so sick of these school district types who say " toughen up" i hope the parents sue the son of a bitches i am sick of the bulling culture

[Elmer S. E. Dump]

59. No words.

[shenmue]

63. Mercy

[marym625]

67. heartbreaking

Just heartbreaking

That school should be shut down until it can get its shit together. Obviously, whoever is leading it and counselors need to go

[hunter]

75. I couldn't even click on this thread at first.

I was a weird skinny squeaky highly reactive kid. A chew toy for school bullies. They called me "queerbait."

I can't even count the times supposed adults told me crap like "MAN UP!" even after I'd been pulverized and left bleeding by some bully.

By seventh grade I was simply leaving school whenever I heard that kind of bullshit from adults. I'd jump the fence and be gone. Eventually I quit high school for college. For me middle school and high school were frequently Lord of the Flies experiences.

The first few times in middle school I took off, school administrators would call my mom in great distress, and she'd reassure them that she was sure I'd be home for dinner. I was a largely feral and always resourceful child, and so was my mom as a kid. She and my dad never experienced "proper" parenting.

But other kids like me didn't fare so well. One of my childhood friends committed suicide, and one of my college friends tried to kill herself in my bathtub, both over issues of sexual identity.



I hate "traditional" U.S.A. culture.

I currently live in a somewhat cosmopolitan California place where bullying is (at least officially) not tolerated in schools, especially by adults. Most kids readily accept and protect their LGBT classmates, and most teachers too.

My own kids and most of their peers simply don't understand why LGBT people are hated in some cultures.

.


.


.


God damn all the people who made this little girls life hell.

[Smarmie Doofus]

76. +1 n/t

[bobjacksonk2832]

77. Poor girl. May she rest in peace

That school is a f-ing disgrace. How can some people be so heartless?

[lpbk2713]

85. Fifteen suicides and they don't recognize a problem?

I'd have to question if they place any value on human life.

Some of these administrators would have no business managing a lemonade stand.