Desperate Residents of Austin Completely Surrounded by Texas

[ghostsinthemachine]

AUSTIN (The Borowitz Report) – In a deepening humanitarian crisis, residents of the city of Austin report that they are completely surrounded by Texas, a situation that locals are calling “dire.”

Austin has traditionally enjoyed freedoms as a semi-autonomous region, hosting film festivals and literary events without the interference of its hostile neighbors, but there are growing fears that those days may be coming to an end.

Alarmingly, citizens of Austin report, extremists within the city limits have taken over the Capitol Building and installed a militant government with dominion over its residents.

In recent days, Austin has made desperate requests for assistance to the U.S. military, which will be conducting exercises in Texas in July.

MORE HERE:


http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/desperate-residents-of-austin-completely-surrounded-by-texas

[longship]

1. Gotta love Borowitz!

R&

[libdem4life]

2. It's reported they have, gasp, Gay People there contributing to the economy and living normal lives.

[Wounded Bear]

7. Gay people living normal lives is an oxymoron...

or at least that's what I've heard.

[libdem4life]

8. Fortunately, I have two beloved nieces who are doing just that. One in Colorado and one in DC.

[Wounded Bear]

20. That's good to hear...

and the fight to let them continue to do so is a worthy one.

[libdem4life]

24. Absolutely. They had gigantic hurdles in our Right-Wing family. Seems like once they

got through that, the rest was easier.

[hifiguy]

3. Could we do something like the Berlin Airlift

to bring help to these poor souls?

Gotta love Borowitz!

[Scurrilous]

4. South Florida feels your pain.

[mountain grammy]

15. Guess that's why the rest of Florida is letting you drown..

getting rid of a bunch of libruls and hippies.

[moondust]

5. I'd probably consider moving there...

if it wasn't surrounded by Texas.

[niyad]

6. k and r

[clarice]

9. As a native Texan, we smile at the people in Austin and say "Aren't they cute at that age?"nt

[dumbcat]

21. Keep Austin Weird

[clarice]

25. I have a T shirt just like it. nt

[Manifestor_of_Light]

10. The Peoples' Republic of Austin, I heard it was called.

We have entirely too much normal boring predictable stuff in East Texas, in my opinion.
We need to import some of that Austin weirdness.

The major public health crisis here that I see is death by boredom.

The major physical injury is when the sidewalks roll up at five o'clock, and rebound and hit you in the ass.

Sad but true.

[Eleanors38]

30. or Moscow-on-the-Colorado.

[zappaman]

11. One of my favorite cities!

If Texas secedes from the union, look for Austin to secede from Texas.

[hifiguy]

16. Austin Free City

kinda like Singapore or what Hong Kong used to be.

[Xipe Totec]

12. I just spat a mouthful of scotch on my monitor.

[ananda]

13. LOL. I think of Austin as the oasis in the middle of a desert.

[Xipe Totec]

14. The intellectual desert. nt

[mountain grammy]

17. Conservative Coloradans love to mock Boulder as the "people's republic of Boulder."

But Boulder is, for the most part, a well run city, even with the disruptive influence of party hardy CU. It withstands recessions better than most of Colorado. It's far and away healthier, cleaner and just nicer than rabid, right wing Colorado Springs.

[X_Digger]

18. Meh. Spent 5+ years there. Too hippy-dippy-crunchy-tofu-crap for me.

Now Fort Worth...

[UTUSN]

22. I don't know about Ft Worth, but your point about Austin is spot-on

It's not all that Liberal, it's where young people from other places get their first taste of Epicureanism, not well thought out, laced with whatever the current recreational enhancer, all under an umbrella of mutuality that is less tolerance than it is permission. It was a pretty little town, but it swelled up like a tick with more and more drop-outs from "the party school" slipping from whatever "philosophy" they started from to metamorphose into slackers then hangers-on, just never leaving. As for the politics, along with everything else, it's a matter of what is faddishly kewl for the moment, too kewl to be reliably Democratic, more like Libertarian, too often splitting the Left vote, even also to nihilistic non-voting. Hence, with other non-voting minorities, a Red state that would not be Red if all or most of the eligible voters voted.

Worse, "Hollywood" discovered it, and readers of the New Yorker (link in O.P. --- BOROWITZ is great btw).

[Hangingon]

26. Well said!

[UTUSN]

38. Thanks, one of my least erratic and most cogent posts ever!1 n/t

[rurallib]

19. Maybe Obama should send in some troops to take over Texas

Give it a real confusing and misleading name like Jade Helm.
Work in conjunction with someone trusted by Texans like Walmart.
Yep, it could be brought down in just a few days and Austin could become the capitol!



do i need this?

[hobbit709]

23. I'm not desperate.

[Zorra]

27. Austin should secede from Texas. We could airdrop Austin supplies in exchange for

fine music.

[kentauros]

28. Although I know this is the Borowitz Report,

it's also perpetuating the myth that Austin is the only blue part of Texas. And DUers lap it up like The Word.



http://observer.com/2012/11/the-purple-election-map/


Hmm, looks like there are some parts of Texas bluer than Austin.

[Eleanors38]

32. Most folks who left Austin for S.A. didn't come back. I like it, too.

[kentauros]

34. I haven't visited in years.

It is a beautiful city, and just different enough from the rest of the Hill Country to set itself apart. I guess it's a good thing that no one but us natives know about the better spots in the state, even with helpful maps colored in purple and blue

[Eleanors38]

36. S.A. has better water conservation policies than Austin, and a more consistently liberal

tradition. Austin likes the Weird® moniker, but is very suspicious of the counter culture no matter who is in office. Big real estate and corporate giveaways in the form of waiving millions in development fees and other incentives is alive and well in Austin. Some of the progs here think donning a tie-dyed t-shirt and line dancing to Michael Jackson qualify as being progressive. I think it draws flies.

[Eleanors38]

29. Try getting in or out without paying a toll to a Spanish company...

Goobernor Perry surrounded the city with toll roads, gave over the ownership/operation to a foreign company, and what $ is left over goes to the general fund, not to construction costs. The corporation is losing money, but has the option of selling back the whole mess to the state without losing money.

[hobbit709]

31. I don't use those toll roads.

If you look at the the traffic about 90% of the people don't.
Said company was begging the state to make up the difference between what their projected revenue and their actual intake is.

[Eleanors38]

33. Haven't used 'em yet! Tis hell getting out to the hunting fields, but the old heads know the way.

[Tierra_y_Libertad]

35. "Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." - Butch Hancock

[Eleanors38]

37. Hancock is a gas. Ran into him some at the Continental Club

[ghostsinthemachine]

40. Saw Butch a couple of weeks ago.

Love that guy and his steel guitar player is incredible.

[Eleanors38]

39. Back before finding a "cool place" to live became hep and profitable...

Austin flew under the radar for years: $100 - $200/semester at U.T., $110/ mo for an efficiency, cheapest city in the nation. And did so for years, with only hippies passing the word around between Ann Arbor, Gainesville, Athens etc. What broke it open was PBS's "Austin City Limits" with Willie, Waylon & the Boys. Even blue collar folks were up on Austin after that show got rolling.

Cheap stuff is gone, college kids snared to a lifetime of debt, unbelieveable rent and prop. taxes, utterly dysfunctional transportation, and folks who give you a blank stare when you say "how do?" Even BBQ has been made into an exotic with commensurate prices. Perhaps worse is the loss of political agency: It's now hep to be apathetic. God the old atmosphere and the crumbling reputation didn't spring forth from the head of Zorro. It was Battled for.

I've thought of moving back to Florida where I was raised. No need. Florida seems to have found me out here.