Said on the TeeVee

[Scuba]

Leno

You know who the real J.P. Morgan is, right? He's Captain Morgan's drunk brother who's bad with money.



Letterman

JPMorgan lost $2 billion in bad trades. They made bad investments — for example, those gay wedding chapels in North Carolina. What were they thinking?

Mitt Romney once lost $2 billion. Then he found it in another pair of pants.



Fallon

During his commencement speech at Liberty University, Mitt Romney revealed that his campaign staff loves Chick-fil-A. The other thing he revealed? — that he doesn’t know what to say in a commencement speech.

We have Chef Gordon Ramsay on the show tonight. I thought he burned something when I saw smoke backstage — but then I remembered we also have Willie Nelson on the show tonight.

This week investors will be able to buy shares of Facebook stock for the first time ever. It’s great — now you can lose all your money in the same place you lost all your time.

[DCKit]

1. too punny. Wish I had five DU aliases. nt

[obxhead]

2. The FB joke