Jeb Bush's debate reviews are in: "The guy looks like the runny yolk of a fried egg"

Is there a blander, more boring personality in American politics? The guy looks like the runny yolk of a fried egg. He's trying to be assertive tonight because he's been told he needs to project "passion." But when his lips move, there's still a big blank. Why the heck the major media hails him as the GOP frontrunner is beyond comprehension — except that big money has been showering down on him like powdered sugar on a donut. Why do Jeb's smiles remind me of a dimply grandmother? He could and should have been a high school principal. I don't see him on the world stage, holding the line against ISIS.

... Christie will never fly as presidential material. He has a braying, jabbering manner like an old-style big-city mayor of the Fiorello La Guardia era. There's something too baby-like about him. I was thinking Fatty Arbuckle? John Belushi? Under the bravado there's a hint of chaos. Maybe it's the mismatch between his ski-jump nose (not what he had in high school) and those bouncy plump lips. Anyhow, aside from his disqualifying history of thuggish behavior, Christie is too Northeastern provincial for nationwide appeal.

When he graduates from the college debating team, he will have a rosy future! Oh, er, he's 44 years old? Computer crash! Rubio is very smooth but also oddly slick. He seems caught in a time warp of self-stunted maturation, a son shying away from the Olympus of father-gods. Sorry, but this won't work in the White House. Try again in a decade or two?

Way, way too much subtext. Big, strange-looking guy with an almost womanly face. Whip smart but on a monomaniacal mission for world salvation. Announces, to great applause, that his No. 1 attribute is he "will always tell the truth." Red alert: a bruiser of a politician who thinks he has a corner on truth. Cruz's expression is habitually close to a sneer, which he offsets with pleading, faux puppy-dog eyebrows. He knows history and military affairs, but he's no negotiator — he's a General Patton prima donna.