Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Cutting Losses, Kochs to Sell Scott Walker

[malaise]

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/cutting-losses-kochs-to-sell-scott-walker?intcid=mod-latest
<snip>
WICHITA (The Borowitz Report)—Saying that “things just didn’t work out,” the billionaire Koch brothers have decided to put Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker up for sale.

The Kochs, who earlier had purchased Gov. Walker with great fanfare, announced their plan to sell the politician in a terse statement from Koch Industries headquarters in Wichita.

“Scott Walker is a fine individual, and we wish him well,” the Kochs’ statement read. “We are confident that he will be a good fit for some other billionaire industrialists.”

Republican insiders, however, called the Kochs’ plan to sell Walker highly optimistic, and noted that the market for the Wisconsin Governor was, at this point, virtually nonexistent.

The Kochs, who reportedly had been frustrated by Walker’s poor performance in the polls, finally decided to sell the Wisconsinite after last weekend’s odd pronouncement, in which he seemed to support a border wall with Canada.



According to a Koch associate, “Ignorance has always been a part of Scott’s appeal, but that Canada thing was just too much.”

[Gothmog]

1. I love good satire

[A Simple Game]

17. Enjoy the satire while you can, I suspect it will soon no longer be satire. n/t

[randys1]

2. You did miss one line from the quote, allow me:

As you reported, the Koch's said

“Scott Walker is a fine individual, and we wish him well,” the Kochs’ statement read. “We are confident that he will be a good fit for some other billionaire industrialists.”

But you missed this line

"And fear not, we will have our candidate, the market is very good right now if you want to buy a politician without a single brain in his or her head"

[malaise]

6. LOL - great lines

but I couldn't copy everything.

[livetohike]

3. They better off him at a huge discount. Doubt there will be any takers.

I love Borowitz .

[cascadiance]

4. So, Walker must have got a bit too "Koched up"! :)

[malaise]

7. Kochcaine will blow your brain

but the sensimelia is 'irie'!!

[cascadiance]

9. Will Walker try that next to win votes?...

[malaise]

15. Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

Sure looks high on something

[sorechasm]

44. The eyes now make so much more sense in that pic

The mystery of Drowsy-Dead-Eyes is finally solved.
Thank you cascadience!

[Eleanors38]

55. "Cocaine's for race horses, and not for men..."

"...they say it'll kill you, but they don't say when.

" Cocaine. Runnin' all round my brain."

-- J. J. Cale, 1976

[HappyPlace]

5. Not very speedy, but has a brain that's hardly been used!

[n2doc]

8. I'm sure they will keep an option on his governorship

They have done quite well with that investment.

[C Moon]

10. (whoops...I thought it kind of read like the Onion).

Why is it that it sounded so believable.

[SunSeeker]

11. LOL

[Dont call me Shirley]

12. K & R.....lol

[erronis]

13. “Ignorance has always been a part of Scott’s appeal" could be reworded to include all of them.

Anybody have a repuglican candidate that might know an inkling about science or government or world affairs?

Personally all I see are some that say that someone is less dumb than the others, but the highest level is J.E.Bush?

[gregcrawford]

14. Too bad...

... they can't return him for a refund, either; he's been used. It's easy to tell because the knees on all his pants are practically worn through.

[LuvLoogie]

16. Scott Walker and David Koch snag a worker

[SmittynMo]

18. It certainly took them long enough

We all knew he was an idiot years ago. And all it took was an ignorant comment about the Canadian border? Go figure.....

Oh Happy day!!!

[malaise]

20. Psssssssssssst!!

We wish - this is satire

[SmittynMo]

38. Chit

It's called "DUH, read the entire post". I got too excited. LOL And you were so nice describing my stupidity in such a nice way. Thanks.

[malaise]

40. Look the best satirists have caught most of us at DU

Enjoy the laugh - sometimes satire is better than truth

[Octafish]

19. Lone Nutter Supreme John McAdams is crying.

The Oswald-did-it authority "taught" Scott Walker at Marquette.

Case of true love or something.

http://mu-warrior.blogspot.com/search/label/Scott%20Walker

[malaise]

21. Thanks for that link

[Octafish]

26. TIME magazine gave McAdams all the oxygen during the 50th anniversary of JFK assassination.

Even though all the authorities on the subject at Duquesne, including Dr. Larry Sabato, disagreed with his lone nut conclusion. Their work was not mentioned, at all, by TIME, the magazine whose owner published frames from the Zapruder film in reverse to create the false impression JFK was shot from behind.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/10024028402

My own perspective is that the President's murderers are still at large.

Some of what TIME magazine missed, but DUers saw:

Octafish to attend JFK assassination conference. Do you think JFK still matters?

JFK Conference: Amazing Day of Information and Connecting with Good People

After JFK Conference, when I got home, I felt like RFK.

JFK Conference: Bill Kelly introduced new evidence - adding Air Force One tape recordings

JFK Conference: Rex Bradford detailed the historic importance of the Church Committee

JFK Conference: Lisa Pease Discussed the Real Harm of Corrupt Soft Power

JFK Conference: James DiEugenio made clear how Foreign Policy changed after November 22, 1963

JFK Conference: Mark Lane Addressed the Secret Government’s Role in the Assassination

JFK Conference: David Talbot named Allen Dulles as 'the Chairman of the Board of the Assassination'

JFK Conference: Dan Hardway Detailed how CIA Obstructed HSCA Investigation

Noah's Ark - Nov. 22, 1963 (at Oakland Community College in Michigan)

JFK Remembered: Dan Rather and James Swanson talk at The Henry Ford (like Heinz History Center, a Smithsonian Affiliated Institution.)

Seven Days in May -- tonight on TCM

Machine Gun Mouth

You are most welcome, malaise! Thank you for grokking the Manchurian nutjobs.

[tclambert]

46. The guys on the grassy knoll were "buried in the damn desert out past Terlingua."

Mr. Rate, the "greatest gunsmith east of the Mississippi," said so. And he's "still got the shovel."

[Octafish]

50. Levon Helm was a singular genius.

We are fortunate, indeed, to have lived in the times of a unique artist. His gifts will only be more and more appreciated with time. It's as if we knew him, in a very real way "personally," through his work, a Friend.

[navarth]

22. Bill Maher had the absolute best line on Walker

"...he looks like the guy in high school that walked around with a dead bird in his pocket."

[Enthusiast]

23. Excellent!

[iandhr]

24. Andy never disappoints.

I also love this one.

Sheldon Adelson Says No Republican Candidate Worth Buying

LAS VEGAS (The Borowitz Report)—The casino billionaire and Republican kingmaker Sheldon Adelson met several 2016 G.O.P. candidates available for purchase over the weekend, but decided to buy none of them, Adelson confirmed today.

After hearing speeches by Kentucky Senator Rand Paul, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, former Florida Governor Jeb Bush, and several others who were for sale, Mr. Adelson concluded that none of them are worth owning.



“I don’t want to spend millions on another loser,” said Adelson, who purchased both Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney in 2012.

The casino magnate was scathing in his assessment of the candidates he declined to buy, calling them “a third-rate grab bag of has-beens and dimwits.”

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/sheldon-adelson-says-no-republican-candidate-worth-buying

[Blue Owl]

25. Hope they lowballed the asking price

n/t

[bvar22]

27. I'll start the bidding at $2.00.

IF I buy him, he has to do everything I say....right?
I need someone, not too bright, to wash my car, clean my house, and help with the firewood & Garden.
Those a fairly skilled positions.
Do you think Walker could handle them without a lot of training?

[malaise]

29. I wouldn't trust him

to feed an alligator - but that would be my assignment for KochWalker

[awoke_in_2003]

37. I would pay him to feed alligators.

What is the worst that could happen?

[Fuddnik]

48. We've got a 10 footer in the retention pond next to the Irish Pub.

It would be cheaper than hiring a band.

[hifiguy]

35. Too high.

He can't do anything you couldn't train a good horse to do in half the time.

[Go Vols]

28. Walker gets punked

Uploaded on Feb 22, 2011

The BEAST's Ian Murphy calls Walker, posing as archconservative moneybags David Koch, and they casually discuss crushing all public unions.

http://www.buffalobeast.com

[malaise]

30. That was one of the funniest happenings of all time

I freaking howled with laughter when that happened

[Spitfire of ATJ]

33. Part 2:

[ion_theory]

31. This actually scares me more than anything..

If they decide to pull most of their $$ from the presidential race, that $$ now will be allocated for other political means. Calling it now that they will spend most of that $$ in state and local elections since that is really where the laws matter most. Shameful shit.

[Spitfire of ATJ]

32. Buy him and dress him up as a lawn jockey at the end of your driveway.

[malaise]

34. Ha hahahahha - he does fit the part

[hifiguy]

36. Thread winner.

And it maximizes every one of his "talents."

[mcar]

39. Check out the great Charlie Pierce about Walker

and his plan to build a wall across the Canadian border:

"Dunces look at him and think, Jesus, maybe I should look into that career in astrophysics after all."

[malaise]

41. That is freaking brilliant

I love Charlie Pierce

[mcar]

42. He is a genius, malaise

And has a special hate on for Walker.

I've loved him since he was a sports writer in Boston, way back in the 80s and my days there. A truly gifted writer.

[malaise]

43. He is a truly gifted writer

ANyone who hates Walker is my friend

[TrollBuster9090]

45. I'm not sure they CAN sell him at the moment. But maybe...

but maybe they can TRADE him for some other deadbeat?

[Fuddnik]

47. They could probably trade him to Jimmy Haslam for his Tenn. Gov. Brother.

Jimmy Haslam owns the Pilot gas stations and Cleveland Browns and could use another tackling dummy. Or as a Quarterback during Steelers Blitzes.

[TrollBuster9090]

49. Haha! Yes, he MIGHT be up to the job of tackling dummy, if he takes some night courses.

Just make sure he doesn't take the economy down with him when he hits the ground.

[saiyo]

51. Funny!

[geek tragedy]

52. this is one of Borotwitz's better pieces. nt

[KoKo]

53. ...!

[KamaAina]

54. Maybe the Canadians will buy him

just for sport.