What if you wanted to be a crook in America, what's the best way to do that?
First - Don't worry about robbing banks… Just own one and run it into the ground while threatening to take the American economy with you. Seeing how credit and the flow of capital is tied to the very economy itself, the Government will throw more money at you, hand-over-fist, than you'll know what to do with and also with very few strings attached …
That's a joke, right? Because you know what to do with all that filthy loot... mansions and strippers, baby!
Remember: Think BIG!
Second - Lie BIG and lie OFTEN… Buy some news outlets, hire professional liars who work for professional lie factories to go on those news outlets. Call them "Think Tanks", that's a nifty sounding official name, that's the ticket. But most of all appeal to the people's combination of pious self-righteousness mixed with low self-esteem, bigotry, lack of extensive formal education, unwillingness to cooperated with each other, greed, nativism and irrational fears.
Make sure to portray positive and helpful people, minorities, women and children as losers. Your fans will eat it all up.
Hire a paranoid lunatic with a chalk board and a corpulent, drug-addicted loudmouth with delusions of grandeur as your primary spokespeople. If these guys can't get your point across, nobody will.
Remember: "A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes." - Mark Twain
Third - Buy lots of politicians.
They're cheap and easy and come in packaged by the dozen. Since you're out to screw over as many people as possible, nothing works as well as a gaggle of greedy, pandering politicians to line your pockets with.
Remember: The only difference between a prostitute and a politician is that one is paid to screw someone else and the other is paid to screw someone else OVER!
And lastly - Sit back and watch your money roll in. Make sure that it's listed as capital gains. As a big time crook, enjoy the benefits of having a tax code that's tailored for the likes of you. Only a 15% marginal tax rate for that kind of income. Also, send your money on vacation to places like Switzerland and the Cayman Islands! And if that isn't enough for you, you can even chuck your own citizenship away and become one with the rest of the world. (Insert extravagant hand motion here)
Who needs losers like Americans anyway? They're people who can even bother to vote for their own best interests most of the time… Because they can easily be convinced of becoming fans of a crook like you.
Remember: You'll be their HERO if you CROOK it like a BOSS, baby!
Edited to add cool ass drawing
= new reply since forum marked as read
