Day One:
Have begun to keep my eyes open. Strange men across the street painting the neighbor’s house. Using lavender trim if you get my drift. Another neighbor down the block observed in his hot tub last night way past dark. Also, conversation and peals of laughter emanating from house with unmowed lawn over in the next block.
Day Two:
Next door neighbor’s unmarried daughter putting on weight. A box of Tide on the front porch clearly a coded message signaling that her sailor has shipped out for 9 months at sea in case any other seaman in the fleet want to drop in for a visit. Down the street, the local mom and pop grocery store smells foreign. As in terrorist training camp. Clerk cryptically speaking into cellphone…not speaking American neither. And no Twinkies for sale. What’s up with that? Clearly a front for suicide bombers. Should be under 24 hour surveillance.
Day Three:
Birkenstock footprints. Nuff said.
Day Four:
Standing on stepladder, peeking over the fence, observed neighbor sunbathing bare naked. And no sunscreen. Uncircumcised, but who’s looking?
Day Five:
Noticed neighbor surreptitiously sneaking empty beer bottles into the recycling. After he left the scene, counted several dozen bottles. Coors Light. Perp didn’t go to work. Likely called in sick.
Day Six:
Neighbor’s dog urinated on newly erected flagpole.
Day Seven: Headcount of neighbors in church indicates considerable backsliding. On my return home, found a copy of the Constitution lying in the trash can.
Week Two
Sex, Lies, and Videotape Edition
Day 8:
Noticed healthy Catholic couple down the block only have two children. Married five years. Seems like something’s not adding up here. Should notify Vatican Tips Hotline as well as Justice Dept.
Day 9:
Observed Baptist deacon purchase lotto ticket at 7-11. Scanned contents of neighbor’s mail while he was at work. Noted subscription to Hustler Magazine. Noted offensive material on pages 17-20, 24, 26, and 30-37. Alerted mailcarrier.
Day 10:
Witnessed neighbors viewing pornography rented from local video store. Have receipt for rental of one DVD Butt Pirates of the Carribbean. Although the shades were drawn, the unmistakeable sounds emanating from the premises make it clear several state and federal laws were undoubtedly violated, possibly simultaneously.
Day 11:
Followed children collecting milk money for UN Children’s Relief Fund clearly some kind of low down commie idea.
Day 12:
Perused library checking the reading material of patrons. Caught my liberal neighbor red handed—reading. She appears to be accessing sites on the internet with information about reproduction and birth control in full view of other library patrons who all pray silently that she get professional help.
Day 13:
Found in a public library restroom stall: a contact number for some kind of surreptitious meeting with someone named Bambi.
Day 14:
Neighbor didn’t come home all night. Raised voices overheard. Sound of doors slamming. Engine revving. Neighbor drove off without buckling seatbelt.
Week Three
Dumpster Diving
Items found in suspicious neighbors’ trash cans:
A gray toupee
Box of shredded documents
Empty prescription bottle of Oxycontin
Rogaine
Discarded Grecian Formula--Raven Black
HIV test result negative (reconstructed from torn up paper)
Delinquent bill--3rd warning
Soldier of Fortune Magazine order form for Ginsu Knives
Copy of Father Flannigan’s Boy’s Town
A jury duty summons
A crop dusting manual
Directions for care of leaking breast implants
2 overdue library books
A badly altered report card
Lice Shampoo
Fundraising letter from the GOP (someone has blacked out
Trump’s teeth and drawn in horns on his forehead)
List of license numbers of individuals observed parking illegally in handicapped space—uncertain how this came to be found in a neighbor’s trash as list was just compiled this very morning by this investigator. Must make a note to administer lie detector tests to family members.
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