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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsNew Study Finds Human Beings Were Never Meant To Wake Up From Sleep
BOSTONAccording to a new study published in The New England Journal Of Medicine this week, human beings were never meant to wake up after falling asleep, but were rather supposed to remain in a deep, peaceful slumber until eventually expiring. Our research team of evolutionary biologists conducted an extensive and thorough examination of human physiology, past and present, and determined that human beings were, in their ideal state, supposed to be born, spend a solid 12 hours awake as an infant, and then lie down for a tranquil, dream-filled sleep from which they would then not awaken, lead researcher Dennis Zeveloff said of the findings, which also suggest that life for early man was not supposed to last longer than one day. Eventually, after spending three or four weeks lying comfortably in bed, humans were meant to just slide directly into death. In fact, the truly optimal state toward which human evolution aspired was for all individuals to succumb to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome almost instantly after exiting the womb. The study concluded that, based on these findings, coma patients should be considered among the most highly evolved humans on the planet.
http://www.theonion.com/article/new-study-finds-human-beings-were-never-meant-to-w-34288
RandySF
(59,092 posts)Xipe Totec
(43,890 posts)AngryAmish
(25,704 posts)And I mean that utterly unironically. Who would you rather believe, The Onion or Comcast's paid liars?
Xipe Totec
(43,890 posts)I just didn't get the angle on this particular article. It was dark, depressing, macabre, and not really connected to current events in any way.
It was morbid for morbidity's sake.
AngryAmish
(25,704 posts)Xipe Totec
(43,890 posts)Katashi_itto
(10,175 posts)Katashi_itto
(10,175 posts)Xipe Totec
(43,890 posts)Hepburn
(21,054 posts)If only!
Munificence
(493 posts)where the term "quickie" came from....makes perfect sense. At age 30 seconds you better jump up, find a mate as you've only got half a day to procreate.
"The human race is counting on you little buddy".
Warren DeMontague
(80,708 posts)But fortunately for them, they have these tapes that play repetitive, authoritative-sounding bullshit out of their mouths all day long, so most other folks dont notice the difference.
2naSalit
(86,743 posts)We are just a biology project after all!
gladium et scutum
(808 posts)was not funded by the tax payers of the United States.
ChisolmTrailDem
(9,463 posts)CBGLuthier
(12,723 posts)Too many in my family have lost babies that way for it to be very funny. Bad Taste. I expect better from The Onion.