Porn has ruined my relationships with women

[chalmers]

My parents never gave me "the talk" so I learned about sex through pornographic magazines that I found at construction sites left behind by the workers. Of course those images created an idealized unrealistic image of women in my young mind. So much so that I often turned down the advances of females in high school whom I felt didn't live up to that sexy, voluptuous standard. These were women who probably liked me but I rejected them because I felt they were not attractive enough by the standard set by porn.

Something really needs to be done about sex education in this country and the puritanical standards that don't allow people to openly talk about sexual relationships needs to be set aside for a more enlightened approach to this biological issue which is ingrained in us all.

[emulatorloo]

1. Hollywood/Madison Avenue as well. Impossible standards for both sexes

[snooper2]

2. cool story I guess

"pornographic magazines that I found at construction sites left behind by the workers"

[ChisolmTrailDem]

9. I occassionally ran across Playboys and Penthouses and Hustlers in the weirdest places back...

...in the 70s, mostly in places that were either temporarily or permanently abandoned, even in a dry creek bed. Now that I'm thinking about it for the first time since I was 12, they were most likely left there not by adults but by other kids who had discovered them in their dad's stash and snuck them out to a place where they could...ahem...peruse them and not be discovered by their moms.

It would not surprise me that some of the dads took them to work for the same reason, lol. Now, where or how they would engage the usual activity that is usually paired with the viewing of such content, I do not know.

[mythology]

118. I'm sure there is some sort of joke between

dry creek bed and porn, but I'm not going to go looking for it.

[Adsos Letter]

26. I spent 35 years in the trades, lots and lots of new construction.

Never happened across any porn mags.

[EL34x4]

37. I spent a few summers in construction.

We didn't have time to look at porn.

[Ed Suspicious]

78. I worked in an automotive supply store. The employee bathroom was littered with them.

Not the same, but people are people.

[Rex]

82. It is about as good as the other thousand times I've

read someone claim that porn ruined em. Maybe not as creative.

[403Forbidden]

3. You found abandoned porno mags at construction sites??

...damn I was looking in all the wrong places.

[bvf]

22. Biggest stash of porn I ever discovered was

found while working on a paper drive sponsored by a Lutheran church.

[MurrayDelph]

32. I used to get lots of porn at work

Of course, I was working at a phone sex company that advertised in the back of those magazines.

I used to give them to a buddy of mine whose son is a Lubavitch Rabbi.

[ShrimpPoboy]

4. It starts with the parents.

The marketplace/culture at large obviously plays a role too but good parenting can overcome that, IMO. Not saying yours weren't good in other ways (they must have been if you're a Dem ), but you acknowledge they didn't do much in that area at least.

With 3 sons, one of whom is in puberty, teaching them to respect women and developing healthy relationships/ideas about sex and love is a major focus for us. It's a challenge to be sure, but well worth fighting for.

Worthy topic for a thread.

[Blue_Adept]

20. It's fun from the other direction

I have two early/mid teenage girls and I've had the talk with them (they hated the one they got from their mother; she and I are divorced) and I went with the approach of talking about how sex is definitely a great and fun thing, if done right, and they have no reason to be ashamed about wanting it, engaging in it, and enjoying it.

I've ended up with several very repressed and "broken" women over the years when it comes to sex based on the way they were raised about it, thinking it soemthing awful and dirty. I don't want my kids to be that way. I want them to enjoy every minute of it that they want when they're ready and to have the tools necessary to deal with it.

[Victor_c3]

75. I too am a father of two girls

Though they aren't old enough for "the talk" (they are 5 and 7) that is exactly what I'd want my kids to think about sex.

[Blue_Adept]

120. It's all about the personalities of course

And the relationship you have with your kids. it worked out well for me as they're very open with me about things, can joke about it (which puts them at ease and is a way of testing the waters), and they'll listen to me more because I was so up front about things at the important age.

[Schema Thing]

5. the women who are in porn have all sorts of body styles. I dare say

your ideas on the female form where just as/more influenced by mainstream magazines/film/tv than by porn. For that matter, the women featured in porn where chosen via the influence of the mainstream female iconography.



And yes, "real" women like doing all the things women do in porn, to varying degrees.

[jeff47]

6. If you actually destroyed a relationship with "but all the porn stars do anal!!"

then you'd have a point.

But unrealistic bodies and personalities are not exclusive to porn. In fact, there's WAY more of it outside porn - Cosmopolitan sells a lot more copies than Playboy. And no porn movie will come close to the viewership of the latest from Hollywood featuring a Manic Pixie Dream Girl.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

15. i agree. if unrealistic ideas of what women should do to please you, is your concern

then i can see this as an after-effect of porn

many other industries depend on unrealistic beauty standards

[saturnsring]

7. is it? or is it just the excuse youre using for your failed relationships?

[forest444]

105. Judge not, Saturnsring.

A failed relationship - even a friendship - can be very painful, and of course can happen for a million different reasons.

When it comes to politics, I say give'em hell. But when it comes to emotional pain, we really should try to be there for one another - or at the very least, say nothing at all but wish each other well.

[saturnsring]

121. well i dont mean to come across as judgemental im suggesting that perhaps his problem with womyn

might be something else and that porn is just a scapegoat - people's behavior is complicated and that there might be underlying subconscious reasons (or not subconscious but something s/he doesn't want to face or admit to) for their problem, something more complicated (or not) than just porn.

[403Forbidden]

8. I use to photograph and create content for adult websites...

...and the women are real....even though they are often times airbrushed.

I found that the personal interaction with those ladies made them real.

[Dr Hobbitstein]

10. Cool story.

Porn hurts my wrist.

[tymorial]

59. Actually, porn hurts my left abdomen

I think I pulled a muscle last time.

[KentuckyWoman]

11. Oh stop it.

Next you'll be claiming you've never bought a car because the car sitting on the lot in the dealership had one spot of dust on it rather than the perfection of the TV and magazine adds.

Or you can't eat at any restaurants because the food doesn't look exactly like it does in the pictures.

[DefenseLawyer]

12. I too visited quite a few construction sites in my formative years

I've been happily married for 15 years and have never had any of the "issues" with women that you attribute to looking at Playboy as a teenager.

[Nuclear Unicorn]

13. Superman movies ruined my relationship with gravity.

Not really. Just kidding.

[cherokeeprogressive]

40. THIS made me laugh. Thanks. nt

[hifiguy]

61. LOL!

And just about as realistic a statement.

[Codeine]

64. Imagine how I felt when I learned not all Martians

are Manhunters.

[hunter]

84. Can't even count the times I've tested my relationship with gravity...

... sometimes with severe injury.



Although, now that I think of it, sex has sometimes been like that too.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

14. in that respect, wouldn't actors and models also ruin your relationships with women?

not many of us look like angelina jolie or salma hayek or jennifer lawrence.

[Warren DeMontague]

102. Speak for yourself.

I look like all 3 at the same time.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

129. lol

[pnwmom]

16. I have read that that is a common problem. Much as they probably didn't want to

hear it, I explained to my sons when they were in high school that real sex with real women would be very different from the online images, which are mostly designed to appeal to male fantasies.

Research also says that watching porn conditions people to expect constant newness. That can interfere with committed relationships with real people.

Thank you for posting about this.

http://www.gq.com/story/10-reasons-why-you-should-quit-watching-porn

[emulatorloo]

28. The problem I hear from virgin male pornviewers is that they think most men have a 9" penis

And they think they can't please a woman unless they have a 9" penis. That makes them feel very insecure about approaching women. They believe they will be ridiculed.

However once they get a little sexual experience they are able to get past that delusion.

[tymorial]

60. This holds true unless you propose to your girlfriend

at a basketball game. God I felt for that dude.

[emulatorloo]

69. Oh wow I missed that story, just found it on the Google.

Yeah that's pretty harsh.

[Warren DeMontague]

98. What size screen are they watching it on?

Tell them to try watching it on their phones. Then they will think all humans are two inches tall, and they will feel invincible.

[emulatorloo]

123. Lol, yes!

[zazen]

100. yep n/t

[Blue_Adept]

17. Sounds more like your parents ruined you as opposed to porn

You didn't get the guidance you needed.

I end up watching a couple of hours of porn a day through a combination of work and pleasure. Father of two, healthy relationships and friendships, no problems interacting with women as friends and colleagues, etc.

[Cali_Democrat]

18. Dafuq? nt

[Blue_Adept]

21. It's January. The Porn Wars Awaken.

[trotsky]

24. LOL n/t

[Blue_Adept]

119. Yup

It's so incredibly consistent that it's like the Super Bowl of DU. But not on primary years. So much of the energy is poured into GDP.

[hifiguy]

135. Nothing will ever top the kerfuffle over the Spider-Woman cover.

IIRC that ran to more than 600 posts. Seldom outside of a Repig debate has there been more dumbth gathered in one place.

[tabasco]

19. Porn at construction sites?

I had no idea.

[jberryhill]

34. Wonder what they were erecting

[MindPilot]

42. Clearly the genesis of the colloquial reference to "wood".

[pintobean]

49. maybe

[Nay]

130. I know, right? Pinboy and Aerows, where are you? This thread needs

the door buzzard treatment.

[Skittles]

23. I am betting there are reasons other than porn

[trotsky]

25. Yes INDEED. n/t

[Katashi_itto]

27. Practicing Kendo ruined my relationship with Light Sabers.

I feel so dirty.

[Codeine]

54. I blame my father.

[Goblinmonger]

29. Irony alert

You are complaining about porn and then rail against "the puritanical standards" in our society. There's a disconnect there; I'll let you figure it out.

[Cassiopeia]

30. I was just about to post the same thing.

My guess is the disconnect goes a lot deeper than just those two issues.

[Katashi_itto]

31. Agree!

[bemildred]

33. So, what do you think about circumcision? nt

[mhatrw]

35. Never have sex with anyone who would have sex with you.

Doing so is a sure sign that your standards are far too low.

[bobthedrummer]

36. Pornography has taken quite a toll on children that were never believed, hasn't it, chalmers?

Chapter 21-Omaha
http://www.democraticunderground.com/1016139460

[zazen]

38. thank you--I have no energy left to defend against the pro-porn apologists this month

but I sincerely appreciate your bringing this up.

Please google Robert Jensen (he's a professor at UT Austin), who has some wonderful contemporary work on the effect of pornography on male sexuality (beginning with his own).

[JI7]

39. The problem is with you. And how old are you that your access

To porn was magazines ? Porn is available on the internet. And it's one reason most are going out of business.

[MindPilot]

41. "I often turned down the advances of females in high school..."

I almost thought you were serious until I got to that line. Well, except for the part about cruising construction sites for discarded copies of Swank.

[Codeine]

52. "GO AWAY! BATIN'!" nt

[DefenseLawyer]

73. OW! My balls!

[hifiguy]

76. "Idiocracy" was not fiction.

Merely accurate observation and prophecy.

[bdwker]

43. Sorry... where exactly is this construction site again ??

just kidding

[Dr. Strange]

44. Same thing happened with me and the Terminator series.

Thanks to that franchise, I'm am completely distrustful of anyone/anything that has traveled here from the future.

[Katashi_itto]

45. I am even wary of the Dr now. Its a sad thing.

In fact I did a search for Dr Who on Facebook and Ben Carson came up. Which proves my suspicions ...!

[MindPilot]

47. It's just the difference between "a" doctor and "The" Doctor

Imagine wandering into a police call box and finding Ben Carson?

Now i have to go get my brain washed.

[Katashi_itto]

48. Dear god!!!! That image...

[MindPilot]

51. He would probably align with the Daleks.

The Daleks are definitely Republican; you can tell by the way they get all giddy and spin around at the mere mention of death and destruction.

Now that I think about it, Trump is actually running for Emperor Dalek. He's a little too ugly and slimy, but they could accept him as one of their own.

[Codeine]

56. I hear the Gallifreyans used Tardises for grain storage. nt

[closeupready]

46. This. Never. Happened.

[Codeine]

50. Rrrrrrrrright.

[LittleBlue]

53. You're lost deep inside Super Cool Story territory

Come back before it's too late.

[sarisataka]

55. Dear DU, I never thought I'd be writing to you....

wait a minute. Porn found in construction sites ruined your high school sex life? What age did you start exploring construction sites for porn?

These were women who probably liked me but I rejected them because I felt they were not attractive enough by the standard set by porn

Either your standards were too high or theirs too low- don't blame porn for that.

[Nuclear Unicorn]

67. "Dear DU, I never thought I'd be writing to you...."

I chortled.

[H2O Man]

57. When I was wee-little,

the movie "The Wizard of Oz" scared me. One day, after consuming a pickled beet on an immature golf course, I swear that I heard "the call of the wild." Yet, looking back from the high hill of my old age, I realize this was no excuse for shop-lifting. Hence, my goal is to appear on Dr. Phil, to discuss if blaming my parents is an acceptable course of action. I mean, I could read yesterday's newspaper, but I'm not confident that "the answer" could be found -- except possibly in the horror-scopes. To this day, I can't drink a bottle of cough syrup without having the number "purple" flash in my mind, like a flashback from watching the Ed Sullivan show.

[Codeine]

62. Easily the most cogent post in DU history.

[tymorial]

58. I'm not buying this post at all.

While I agree that sex education ought to be in every school, the rest of this post is odd.

[Kaleva]

63. 'Chicks with dicks' magazine really messed my young mind up about women

[CommonSenseDemocrat]

65. Alcohol has ruined my relationships with women, I don't want to make it illegal

I'm not saying you're advocating for that, but I don't want this discussion thread to come to the conclusion that fundamentalists do. Porn has been healthy for my sexuality ... in my situation, alcohol not so much. I personally may now abstain from alcohol, but not porn, you maybe the other way around.

[LanternWaste]

66. I'm not too sure what leads you to believe we maintain puritanical standards.

"the puritanical standards that don't allow people to openly talk about sexual relationships..."

It seems many, many people feel completely free to openly discuss relationships. Additionally, discussions about sexual relationships are produced, marketed, distributed, viewed, downloaded, read, researched, sold, bought, consumed and even collected; so I'm not too sure what leads you to believe we maintain puritanical standards.

Relationship and sex advice/how-to's, along with pornography, are a multi-billion dollar industry.

[dorkzilla]

68. The Harrison Ford poster 11 year old Dorkzilla had on her wall

set an impossibly high standard for the men in my life. If you weren’t Han Solo I didn’t want to date you. I probably rejected really nice guys because they weren’t Han Solo.

Somebody really needs to tell young women to suck it up and date anyone who wants to date them. They’re only women after all, amirite?

(did I do that right??)

[Hissyspit]

79. Yes, you did.

[dorkzilla]

83. Thanks, Hissy! nt

[killbotfactory]

70. I doubt it's porns fault you were an immature and superficial teen. nt

[Chiyo-chichi]

71. Youth Culture Killed My Dog

[JHB]

72. Olive Garden has ruined my relationship with NYC Italian restaurants

Makes just as much sense.

[JonathanRackham]

74. Never go to confession on the Internet

[hunter]

85. Jeez, at least half my writing on DU and the internet is confession.

Some of my best stuff!

[JonathanRackham]

111. I've gotten some great leads.

[hunter]

112. Leads to what?

[JonathanRackham]

114. Shhhhh

[Hissyspit]

77. Oh, please...

[Rex]

80. That is strange that you would blame porn for lack of relationships.

It was just the opposite for me, I wanted IN those pants after learning what was in them FROM porno mags!

So I guess it all depends on the individual and how they decide to have relationships with others.

But you can blame whatever it is that makes you feel better inside. When a women turns me down nowadays, I blame the moon.

If only my parents would have sat me down and told me about tidal forces.

[RiffRandell]

81. Always affected my relationships in a good way.

Sounds like you sabotaged yourself.

I had fantasy crushes on celebs in HS and still do but if I found a guy attractive which included personality, a sense of humor, things in common and who just happened to be hot that was good enough for me!

This is Leo's year; I just know he will win best actor for The Revenant...should sweep best director and picture, too!

[Left2Tackle]

86. ...said no teenage boy ever

"So much so that I often turned down the advances of females in high school whom I felt didn't live up to that sexy, voluptuous standard." ...said no teenage boy ever

[pinboy3niner]

87. Women ruined my relationship with porn. :) nt

[RandiFan1290]

88. Y'all are posting in a thread!

[melman]

116. Yes

The obvious trolling is very obvious.

[aikoaiko]

89. Good news friend, modern internet porn depicts every variation of human anatomy getting it on.

Vive la variation.

[TheManInTheMac]

90. Cool story, bro.

[Prism]

91. Porn made me a better gay man

My Catholic parents weren't exactly about to explain the choo choo's to their closeted son.

So the early internet was like being given man on man ikea instructions. Sure, sometimes you realize you've slotted something backwards and have to start all over, but it was nice to have a diagram to work from.

Hell, I still get ideas from it. It not only let me know what I might like, it also let me know what I would not. Consequently, I have never inadvertently wandered into a dungeon.

I think.

Because, some nights with the rum . . .

[LuvNewcastle]

106. Same here.

I would have gone through a lot of needless trial and error if not for porn. Most of us are raised by straight people, so we have to look for alternative ways to learn what we need to know.

[grossproffit]

92. Let's just hope none of your future girlfriends have seen Boogie Nights...

[steve2470]

93. turn down female advances in high school ? um yea RIGHT.....

said no heterosexual male teenager EVER. Cool story bro.

[grossproffit]

95. Yeah, that part kinda gave it away, no?

[steve2470]

96. it sure did! nt

[Katashi_itto]

126. I had a good laugh over that one.

My entire high school was devoted to one thing...

"turn down female advances in high school"

Snicker

[beevul]

138. I don't think thats entirely accurate.

Would you proceed on advances made by someone that doesn't light your fire, as a teenager?

I never did, and I was as hopped up sexually as any kid that ever walked the face of the planet, and probably way way more. Not every guy is as simple as wanting to 'nail' everything with 2 legs and a heartbeat, hell, I don't even believe most guys are that way.

Now in my 40s, I'd still like 'it' 4-6 times a day, but wouldn't like it at all, or want it, with someone I'm not attracted to. My SO half-jokes with me that I don't have a sex drive, I have a sex overdrive...and while that is more or less true, it is generally nonexistent when it comes to my own personal criteria not being met with a partner, first.

On edit: I'm pretty sure that the moral of the story, is this:

Be acutely aware of what you want and don't want in a partner, and don't shortchange yourself or prospective partners by settling for less, because you'll both end up unhappy sooner or later.

[steve2470]

140. give me a break

I know how male heterosexual teens are, and this is not even worth responding to. Ridiculous. Go on with your picky bad self.

[beevul]

141. Here, have a break.

I know how male heterosexual teens are, and this is not even worth responding to.

You know better than everyone else? Your experiences are more valid than those of others?

Utterly ridiculous.

Go on with your picky bad self

Good grief. In your view, anyone that doesn't set aside their own criteria for what they look for in a partner is "picky"?

Why should anyone in their right mind do that?

That's just asking for misery for someone, whether its you, or the partner that would be better off with someone who truly appreciates them.

On edit, you never did answer the question:

Would you proceed on advances made by someone that doesn't light your fire, as a teenager?

Put your money where your mouth is.

[Odin2005]

94. Reddit is leaking into DU!

RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!

[jberryhill]

127. I had a copy of July 1976!

Ah, memories.

[Depaysement]

107. This isn't true is it?

Nothing beats making passionate love to a real woman. Nothing.

[Katashi_itto]

122. Myabe Chocolate Ice Cream. Hmmm...no, it's close but yeah your right.

[PersonNumber503602]

113. Sounds like your personality flaws are what destroyed relationships.

I grew up in a world in which I had instantaneously access to porn for at least half my life. I can't say I suffer from any of the same ailments. I also know many people around my age and younger who grew up in similar circumstances, and they too have no problem having a healthly view of women. Perhaps porn is awful for you and you cannot handle it, but that's on you more than anything else. You seem to be figuring it out, but I think placing the blame on porn is a bit of a cop out.

As for our views on sex and sex education, I agree with you 100%.

[ohnoyoudidnt]

115. OMG, me too! None of those pick up lines ever worked.

EVER!

[former9thward]

117. Cool story bro

You win the award for the most fake story on DU today. A teenager wandering around a construction site and finding left over porn.

[Marr]

124. Ah, the old Evangelical 'conversion' sales pitch, adapted for a new issue.

Evangelicals use this one all the time. They'll claim to have done all sorts of horrible, sinful things before they found Jesus, cleaned up their act, and saw the error of their ways. Then they're free to harangue everyone because they've 'been there' and they're only being honest about it, while you are in denial. They're generally full of shit, of course, and have lived more or less the same way the whole time-- but the conversion story is a always a good sales pitch.

Anyway, I realize you're trying to um... 'start a discussion', but, well...

[friendly_iconoclast]

134. He got at least two fellow members of the amen chorus to support him, so give him that...

[Bucky]

125. It kinda freaks me out thinking that our skyscrapers were built by guys while they looked at porn

I'm just saying steel beams ought to be riveted by men with steady hands, ya know?

[Zorra]

128. So sorry. Authoritarian religious hypocrites have brought unnatural disaster

upon the majority of people's consciousness and existence on this planet since the first humans evolved.

Entire societies have been FUBAR since the dawn of human kind because of these egomaniacal charlatans.

[uppityperson]

131. "Alas, poor chalmers, I knew him well", signed, Skinner

http://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=profile&uid=320365&sub=trans

[steve2470]

143. yep, pretty lame

He would have done far better simply to post an admiring yet critical photo of some supermodel in a news story.

[steve2470]

142. I knew that guy was a troll, with his OBAMA FAILED thread nt

[Coventina]

133. I thought thread was titled: "Pork has ruined my relationships with women"

Guess it's time to get my eyes checked!!!!

[beevul]

136. Nonsense.

You're focusing on incidentals, and ignoring reality.

Reality is this:

You like what you like, you're attracted to what you're attracted to, the reasons are generally beside the point.

If you're settling for less than what you like or what you're attracted to, you are doing both yourself and the partner you should never have had a dis-service, and that's on you. All of it.

I've seen similar discussions about relationships where one partner has a super high libido, and one an almost nonexistent libido. So the partner with the high sex drive turns to porn, gets caught watching it by the low drive partner, and gets hit with the 'that's why your drive is so high" accusation, which is equally nonsensical. If you know your partner has a low libido and you marry them, you essentially agreed to be a participant to whatever misery it leads to.

If you're into sex and kink and people with bodies like porn stars, and you settle for less in a relationship, remember: YOU have settled for less. Find someone who fits your attractiveness criteria who likes porn too (yes Virginia, there are women who like porn as much as guys, and sometimes even more), and your problem would seem solved.

Forget porn, relationship troubles would be far far more reduced, if people were better matched libido wise, though I'm not sure how exactly that could be accomplished. "Hi, my name is X and I love to get it on three times a day, once before breakfast, how about you" seems not to be something to say on a first date, though it may be among the most important things to be matched on, in a relationship.

[RandiFan1290]

139. Honesty