What Not To Say When Someone Is Sick
https://www.sciencebasedmedicine.org/what-not-to-say-when-someone-is-sick/"I understand the impulse, but you are well-advised to resist it. When someone you know has a serious illness, maybe even dying, you want to say something to them that is helpful, positive, and hopeful. The hopeful tone takes away some of the sting and the awkwardness of not knowing what to say to someone who just told you they are dying.
The problem with this approach is that you risk making the other person feel worse just so you can make yourself feel temporarily better, to ease the discomfort of that one encounter. It is really easy to rationalize this behavior to yourself; you are just trying to be helpful.
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By all accounts, one universal experience of those with a serious illness is that people come out of the woodwork to offer them advice about which alternative medicine they should be using to cure themselves. The experience is even worse for those with any fame, for then they have hordes of fans giving them unsolicited advice.
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What they need is your emotional support. Just be there for them, with all the pain and discomfort that implies. People don’t want platitudes or simplistic advice – that just minimizes their pain and makes them feel as if they are alone.
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A very good piece, IMO. Something every human should read and remember.
= new reply since forum marked as read
GREAT! Excellent!
By all accounts, one universal experience of those with a serious illness is that people come out of the woodwork to offer them advice about which alternative medicine they should be using to cure themselves. The experience is even worse for those with any fame, for then they have hordes of fans giving them unsolicited advice.
My disease is genetic and there is no cure. There is nothing I could have done to prevent it other than not being born. Don't tell me about Himalayan Pink salt killing parasites. 
Seriously. 
I was diagnosed with MS 7 months ago, at the age of 50 (Happy Birthday to me!). My symptoms are rapidly getting worse with new ones popping up all the time, and in fact I am in the midst of another round of MRI's to see if new lesions are forming (for instance, my right leg just stopped working a couple of weeks ago, as I was sauntering down a lovely street in an Irish village...3,000 miles from home. THAT was fun.)
If one more person says "But you look INCREDIBLE, Dorky!" I'm going to punch them in the neck.
Also NO, goat milk does not cure MS, and don't ask me why I just don't take these great immune enhancers that you or your friend sells and don't look at me sideways when I try to explain to you AGAIN that I CAN'T TAKE IMMUNE ENHANCERS because they make MS worse...
I tend to have gallows humor anyway, so if I'm joking around about how I'm not drunk even though I'm slurring my speech and falling follow along, please? Don't suddenly get all serious on someone who is, by temperament, NOT EVER SERIOUS okay? Take your cues from the afflicted person...if they want to talk, listen. If they want to cry, give them your shoulder. If they want to joke, laugh. And don't offer platitudes - you don't actually HAVE to say a feckin' thing.
Thank you for allowing me to co-sign and vent.
Their supplements do nothing compared to my fresh vegetable juice and it's a lot cheaper to boot! 
Seriously- everyone is a doctor these days. 
Hang in there - I was probably 'sick' a lot more years than when my situation first flared and my body basically shut down (early 2009) - my ballet body damage masked a lot of it. It won't get better - but you will gain a lot of tools to 'cope' and live with the disease.
Hopefully my post was one of them! 
I have a horrible spine from years of being on horseback, as well as several car accidents (none of them my fault either) and Thoracic Outlet Syndrome from a cervical rib, so a lot of the initial pins and needles/weakness issues were being attributed to that.
I'm trying to live my life as if nothing is wrong (hence my going off to England and Ireland without my husband) but I need to learn that something IS wrong and I need to temper my usual enthusiasm for solo travel and long walks in the country. So I'm going to take a few pals and do the Camino de Santiago next year. 
Well said!
Even though there is no known treatment (a new first time for FTD drug is in trials) a few seemed to help. I just posted not long ago I'm doing better than the time line I was given when I was tested and diagnosed.
I appreciate the kind thoughts I've gotten.
OS
Thanks for sharing my outrage.
Crazy, isn't it? 
And it's not acceptable. I tell people "I was born." *snorty laugh*
People assumed my dad was a smoker because his first level of cancer was his lungs - it was from being exposed to agents in Vietnam. So he did tell one of his neighbors who asked that -
"Well John while you were dodging the draft in Canada I was out contracting freedom."
My dad would not suffer a fool!
I'm glad your mom is AOK. And good on you for defending her!
What people don't realize is that every single one of us is dying from the minute were are born (my dad told this to me a few weeks before he died). His philosophy - from the day you are born it is your destiny to die. You cannot stop it.
I think it harkens back to her childhood - she grew up relatively privileged in a very poor society and didn't have a lot of friends. She is desperate for them (even in her 70's) to the point of accepting bad behavior on their part. She even has friends that steal from her.
I REFUSE to have people like that in my life. And while some consider me to be very cold in this manner, I have no hesitation whatsoever to cut people entirely out of my life (i always, however, tell them why before unceremoniously dumping them so they can't keep coming back and asking "are you mad at me for something?". Once I'm done, I am done); the truth is I have a very solid core of real friends whose friendship came on gradually, over time (except my very best friend who has been my best friend for 43 years...when you're 7 you get attached easier LOL). Everyone else I just consider acquaintances until I know them REALLY well. I'm just not that cliquish, and I abhor small talk so I'm not the kind to spend an evening out with the "girls" (I actually can't think of anything I'd enjoy less). I harbor no delusions that when I die people will flock to my funeral because I knew so many people (my father's dad was like that! SRO at his funeral!) My friends are just like me and as a result. we're fiercely loyal to each other.
Believe me, if my mother wasn't as sick as she was at the time I would have been VERY vocal and probably would have picked her up by the back of her collar and pushed her out the door. You DON'T get to fuck with my tribe with me around and live to tell the tale...at least not with your original teeth
We have something in common! 
My mom's favorite friends are books (and dad)...she makes bookworms look like TVEE junkies! My parents house looks like a library. Dad reads, but mom is a reading machine.
My husband is as voracious a reader as I am and we hang out in book stores like some people hang around in bars.
I leave with a few books and maybe a video game. Mom has a basket full and dad in the art section (sitting) reading about post-impressionalism from a huge glossy book (I admit no idea who the writer or artist is), until mom tells me to go get him, because she wants to go to the Shoe Warehouse next door. 
I will miss these moments, but while I have them I will cherish every second.
Except I'm Mrs. Artsy-fartsy history hound and the hubster would have the basket full (he reads a lot of technical books for his job).
You're right to cherish the time you have...none of us are guaranteed tomorrow.
I take nothing for granted.
Mom was a history teacher and talked me into it too...teaching high school students was...interesting.
Thanks for understanding it from the other point of view.
People think I'm a dick now? Check back with me if I come down with something terminal.
Whoooo-boy!
Take care, and good work!
I'm not a fan of the first, however.
An "I'm sorry" is infinitesimally better than a prayer chain.
I know I have fallen into the trap of offering up advice. It is done out of concern, not malice nor to make myself feel better. Most people realize it. It works the same in reverse, when I am on the receiving end of the advice. Where I take issues are people who do make it about them, or ask "are you right with G-d?" 
Usually, it is easier to tell what a person is wanting in person or at least over the phone because there are verbal and non-verbal clues which can help most people distinguish what the person in need is actually needing.
I recently mis-stepped when I was talking to a friend who is having legal issues and she was just wanting to vent, but I didn't get it from her tone, mainly because she was doing 100 other things and I could not see her most of the time. Once I realized what she needed, I changed my tone and tactics, and she felt better. Some people can't help themselves. I love my mother with all my heart, but when it comes to areas where I am concerned about something, I often have to tell her, point blank, I don't want your advice.
I recently got some news about my husband which is very disconcerting. I was feeling upset, scared, and lonely. I don't have many friends because most are far away, so I reached out to three posters here. There responses were exactly what I needed! They let me know it was OK to be scared and all I had to do was to let them know.
I have discussed many a personal issue with DU'ers in PMs over the years. I sometimes offer advice or tell stories which show I have been in a similar situation, simply to let them know I am understanding or trying to be understanding. When things get really rough, I will often close with, "If you need to vent, just get pissed off or upset, and you don't want me to say anything, just say so in your next PM and I won't say a thing." To date, only one poster has taken me up on that, and the only PM I sent back in regards to that issue was I wanted her to know I read it and I was still there for her. She told me a few days later, it made her day! YEA!
When people are in distress, upset, scared, sick, or what have you, sometimes all they really want is an ear, a shoulder, and a hug. It's not too much to ask, and they shouldn't have to do so. Advice is cheap, compassion is priceless.
Yikes.
Thanks for the great addition!
Take care.
