General Discussion
Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsTrial Update
It seems to be so very hard to maintain detachment of mind in the midst of raging fire.
-- Gandhi
On Monday, my cousin met with the District Attorney who will prosecute the person who shot him and his son. This included hearing about -- and seeing photographs documenting -- the extent of his sons injuries. An off-duty law enforcement officer who was enraged by the young mans obeying the speed limit shot both of my relatives. My cousin held his son in his arms as the young man died. Then, although seriously wounded from being shot, my cousin got up and wrote the murderers plate number in the dirt on their jeeps back window, before collapsing.
On Tuesday, my cousin and I attended a pre-trial hearing regarding what evidence may or may not be allowed in. For example, when the police eventually went to the murderers house, to retrieve a large arsenal of weapons, the guy had a poster featuring a picture of a hand gun, with the words, We Dont Call 911. The DA believes that shows the defendants general state of mind; the defense attorney calls it prejudicial.
The actual trial starts next Monday. Since it is a non-jury trial (at the murderers request), it should only take three days. It will be good to get the trial behind us. Of course, he will appeal his conviction, and the process will continue. There is never true closure.
It is very painful for my cousin to see autopsy pictures, or to sit in the same courtroom with this obscenely smug thug. He seems to consider the numerous officers with rifles, guarding him as he is brought to the court, and the many officers on duty inside the court, as his personal honor guard. This, despite the fact that they treat him exactly the same as they do any other accused murderer.
Yesterday, while I was away attending a medical appointment, another of my cousins came and prepared for a sweat lodge ceremony. He used 48 cobbles -- 36 of white quartz, and 12 of black flint. Although he is from the other side of my extended family, he knows my cousin and son who were shot. Hell be attending the trial with us next week. He knew that Id benefit from ceremony
Between now and Monday morning, I will be focused upon preparing for the trial. Ill spend time with my cousin. Ill talk with others about preparing victims impact statements. Ill pick up my youngest daughter, as her professors are all very supportive of her missing class to attend the trial. And I will spend some time alone, out at my pond, with its large fire-pit, and the lodge nearby.
Ill feed the fish and the birds, and begin gathering firewood for the next ceremony. There are already enough stones to do a couple sweats after the trial ends.
(Note: Next week, Ill try my best to post daily updates, with links to local media sources, etc. I really appreciate all of the support that community members here have provided for my family and myself, throughout this ordeal.)
CaliforniaPeggy
(151,743 posts)I've been wondering what's happening, and now I know.
I can really feel your stress at all of this; I feel it too, just reading your eloquent words.
You and your family are all in my thoughts as the trial approaches.
May you all be well.
H2O Man
(75,202 posts)Indeed, it is difficult for me to talk about this still. Usually, my problem is the lack of an ability to stop talking! (grin) But I struggle to construct even a single sentence on this.
I normally like to respond to everyone that posts on one of my OPs. But I find it harder on this topic .....even though I am more thankful to those who are so kind and supportive. I hope that it doesn't come across as my being rude. It's not.
Hekate
(94,207 posts)NV Whino
(20,886 posts)I wish you and your family well.
H2O Man
(75,202 posts)Sissyk
(12,665 posts)We will be with you next week in spirit; and, I'm sure you are a solid rock to your cousin and family.
I'm thinking that writing about it here after sitting in the trial will help me deal with it. As flawed as it may be, I know our justice system can, and frequently does, work. Still, it's hard for me to sit and look at this creep. He attacked the two most mellow, laid-back guys I know. Neither my cousin or his son had ever been involved in a fight, and had absolutely no interest in fighting. More, the young man had pulled over and let the guy go by. But he was in the mood to kill.
tk2kewl
(18,133 posts)peace my friend
H2O Man
(75,202 posts)Much appreciated.
Omaha Steve
(103,075 posts)K&R!
OS
H2O Man
(75,202 posts)NBachers
(18,009 posts)Ilsa
(62,173 posts)I'm hoping the judge locks him away forever, if not deliver a death penalty. This murderer sounds very dangerous, and getting away with it once would only energize him to do it again.
I believe the creep will spend the remainder of his life in an isolated part of one of our state prisons. He's a retired NYC police officer, who was employed as a part-time guard at the county jail he now resides in. He has an unhealthy authoritarian disposition, and I do not think that "general population" would be a safe option for him once he moves to the big house. He's been kept on an isolated wing at county jail, for his own safety.
Old Codger
(4,205 posts)Who have never gone through an ordeal such as this I really appreciate the updates, I hope that it does not cause you undue pain to do this. Unless someone has undergone such an experience it is pretty much impossible to really understand and get into the depth of feeling involved here... I hope at some time you and your family can put this behind you as much as is possible.
Words cannot begin to describe the loathing I feel toward this animal and I sincerely hope he gets what he deserves for this heinous act, whatever his punishment is it will never be enough.
H2O Man
(75,202 posts)I appreciate this.
This is the third generation of a relatively small extended family to be murdered in my lifetime. Our uncle was murdered in a small hamlet's bar; his murderer was upset that my uncle won a card game. The murderer's friends helped him load the body into my uncle's vehicle, and burn it on a lonely dirt road.
About 15 years later, his son -- an ex-Marine -- was murdered over a cheap bag of pot .....I can't remember if it was $20 or $10. But it really wasn't worth a human life.
No one was prosecuted in either of those cases. So it is good to see the area police forces and DA's office prosecuting this guy next week. I don't think it would happen in some parts of our country. Both the DA and police have treated us respectfully.
The system is a funny thing: it can work quite well, or not at all.
Old Codger
(4,205 posts)Should have to endure that much pain....
H2O Man
(75,202 posts)violence sends a ripple out. It could be a cold-blooded murder, such as this, or it could be domestic violence inside a house. That ripple damages the social fabric. It needs to be addressed.
Old Codger
(4,205 posts)It has far reaching effects that tend to last a long time, some for a lifetime...No one involved is ever the same again
renate
(13,776 posts)Like blows upon a bruise. I simply cannot imagine how traumatized you all must be. I'm so sorry about it all.
denbot
(9,909 posts)I'm guessing the sweat will be four doors, 12 stones per door? Out west we generally use basalt, and avoid river rock (it can explode do to moisture trapped inside). I was wondering the symbolism of the quartz, and flint, and whether the flint is on the opening, or closing door..?
And yep: four rounds, each lasting over an hour. That's one of the nice things about quartz/flint -- it holds heat for extended periods. And while I didn't ask him about his selection, I think that the duality symbolized by the two rock types was likely why he picked those.
Although he didn't know, it was an interesting choice, because all of the stones came from the areas where each of my two daughters is in college.
sadoldgirl
(3,431 posts)but I hope that the court will bring
a just verdict.
Peace!
H2O Man
(75,202 posts)Sometimes I'm struck by the duality we encounter in life. On one hand, I have the greatest of respect for the gentle strength of my cousin; on the other hand, I see him being tortured by the aggressive rage of a brutal, weak man.
ProfessorGAC
(69,449 posts)Take care, sir.
H2O Man
(75,202 posts)Always good to see you!
Jemmons
(711 posts)This is a tough subject to write about. So I appreciate everyone's patience and support.
passiveporcupine
(8,175 posts)H2O Man
(75,202 posts)Much appreciated!
navarth
(5,927 posts)Healing vibes to you and your cousin.
H2O Man
(75,202 posts)I really appreciate it.
malthaussen
(17,642 posts)... he'll probably complain that he deserves a larger cell. He will certainly never be persuaded that he did anything wrong. He was a strong man who Stood His Ground and didn't take shit from nobody. I hope he never bred; there are too many around like him already.
Peace, my friend.
-- Mal
H2O Man
(75,202 posts)Thanks.
Yeah, that's him. You got it.
He had a wife and two daughters. His wife filed for divorce, shortly after his arrest. Some people -- including the murderer -- are convinced she did it to protect her property rights. However, I know some of her friends. She told them, once he was in jail, that he was an abusive husband and father. Plus, other stories that show his total lack of character are making the rounds. He bullied a lot of people.
His ex-wife and daughters would be welcome to sit with us during the trial.
d_legendary1
(2,586 posts)Prayers to you and your loved ones.
H2O Man
(75,202 posts)panader0
(25,816 posts)Doing a sweat sounds very good. I still haven't got mine together yet.
The murderer has told three very different, equally false stories since the incident. The first was that the two had traveled to "hunt" him, and had been staying at a local motel. After repeated incidents of aggression on their part, including their having stabbed him with a hunting knife, he was forced to defend himself. (Now, of course, he wants this kept out of the trial.)
The sweat was good. Very good. And obviously, much needed. Inside the earth-womb, where there is no "time," I knew that everything was exactly as it should be, or it wouldn't be. We will be okay, not because of this creep's aggression, but in spite of it.
blackspade
(10,056 posts)I truly hope that there is some justice that can come out of all this.
I know that is small comfort especially to your Cousin.
Your calm in this shitstorm is a credit to you. I can't say that I would be the same.
H2O Man
(75,202 posts)In times past, I have not always responded calmly. In 1998, when a racist hate group viciously attacked one of my nephews -- a high school scholar-athlete getting a lot of press -- because they hated non-white people, I really changed. This group of 17 men had assaulted my nephew, and left him for dead in the dark of a farmer's field.
My nephew lived, though his injuries will last his lifetime. We knew that the justice system wouldn't react the same was as if a gang of black men attacked a white teen. And that this increased the very real risk that my nephew's friends -- mostly white -- would seek revenge in the town where these thugs had come from. So, I decided to "try" the case myself, in the area media.
All of the newspapers, radio stations, and television news covered the trials of the guys who were charged. At each court hearing, we had 80 to 120 community members from around the region ....including two branches of the NAACP. My friend Robert Kennedy, Jr., offered his support to my sister and brother-in-law, as well as taking a very public stance on the case.
A high point for me was that the gang leader had hired the best defense attorney in this part of the state. This attorney fancied himself the best at debating. Hence, outside the courtroom, on the sidewalk -- and in front of the television cameras -- he sought to engage me in debate. That was a terrible error on his part. Within two minutes, he lost control, and was literally screaming insults at me. The funny thing was, he didn't learn from that humiliating experience -- for weeks to come, he continued to try to "win" a debate with me. And that simply wasn't going to happen. But it made for good TV, and served to educate the public.
blackspade
(10,056 posts)Good for you shit canning that attorney.
As for your nephew, even being from the South, I have never understood the hatred of People of Color by White folks.
One of my earliest 'experiences' back in the 70s, when I was 5 or 6, was my Mom, Aunt, and some cousins going to the drive-in to see Walking Tall. It was one of those traumatizing experiences that shaped my visceral reaction to racism.
Seeing the cold blooded murder a family by racists made me realize at that young age that no-one is safe from that kind of hatred.
When I got older, and as I became more aware of my Father's activism and association with the Civil Rights movement, I came to understand that my fear of the possibility of violence was all to real to the African Americans that I knew and was friends with.
The violence that some White people are capable of, especially in groups, toward People of Color is horrifying and needs to be understood to be both criminal and unacceptable in our society.
The fact that so many get a pass by both their peers and the justice system is sickening.
I have watched the rise of the racist Republican Party, especially Trump, and the 'soft' racism of large portions of the rest of White people with growing unease.
Anyway, All the best to you and your family. And may the wheels of justice roll toward the criminal and not the victim!
GardeningGal
(2,211 posts)I'm so sorry you have had to go through this and I hope justice is served.
H2O Man
(75,202 posts)Today, I've been focusing on coordinating rides for family and friends for next week. I've also spoken to some family members about the advantages of starting their "victim impact statements" now, rather than waiting. Even just an outline.
1StrongBlackMan
(31,849 posts)H2O Man
(75,202 posts)11 Bravo
(24,067 posts)it must be difficult for you to relive it, but please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that justice is done, and that you and your family can find some small measure of peace.
H2O Man
(75,202 posts)I really appreciate it.
I just got off the phone with one of my cousins -- one of Derek Dylan's aunts. I believe it was the first time that my voice has "cracked" under these circumstances. I was telling her how much I love and respect her. The violent death of her only nephew has changed her. The damage that man did goes so far beyond the pools of blood that stained that gravel parking lot.
Dont call me Shirley
(10,998 posts)the most beautiful and deep healer, keep her nearby. Love and Peace to you, your cousin, family and friends, Shirley
H2O Man
(75,202 posts)(I hope it's okay to call you Shirley!)
As I sit here, looking out my window while responding to the powerful messages of support from the DU community, I watched the dark clouds roll in quickly from the northeastern sky. It's raining now -- rather hard.
I have a nice porch, that is all closed in with large windows. My dog Samuel and I like to sit out there when it rains. I think I'll be spending time there, with Sam, today and tonight.
Dont call me Shirley
(10,998 posts)Hekate
(94,207 posts)H2O Man
(75,202 posts)I am fortunate to have you among my "extended family" on this forum.
Liberal Jesus Freak
(1,455 posts)Prayers...good thoughts...good vibes...whatever comforts you is sent your way.
H2O Man
(75,202 posts)Very much appreciated!
Scuba
(53,475 posts)H2O Man
(75,202 posts)Phentex
(16,460 posts)and I've been hoping for an update. As always, if there is anything we can do, please let us know. For you and your cousin:
I appreciate that. And I will probably ask you and others, during the sentencing phase, to write/e-mail the judge .....because this type of violence damages far more than one family .....it harms the community fabric .....and this incident was part of an ugly nation-wide sickness in our society.
Wilms
(26,795 posts)H2O Man
(75,202 posts)druidity33
(6,543 posts)H2O Man
(75,202 posts)spanone
(137,448 posts)AllyCat
(16,920 posts)Thank you for keeping us updated on this horrible time for your family.
H2O Man
(75,202 posts)It means a lot to me.
rug
(82,333 posts)For good reason.
I hope it's not Williams.
His attorney is still asking about a plea deal. That ain't happening.
rosesaylavee
(12,126 posts)This is such a sad thing. I am glad you are there for your cousin.
H2O Man
(75,202 posts)He and I have always been close. My kids refer to him as "Uncle." I think this experience has brought us even closer.
tblue37
(66,035 posts)NBachers
(18,009 posts)his first murder. I get the impression he was just too familiar with the process.
There is no question in my mind about that. All of his behaviors point to a person who is very comfortable killing other human beings. If the last shot had gone off -- he put the gun to my cousin's head, but it jammed -- there would have been no witnesses. It was an unregistered weapon. easily discarded.
KT2000
(20,775 posts)the thug needs to be taken out of society and your cousin deserves to see justice for himself and for his son.
H2O Man
(75,202 posts)I spent some time with my cousin today (I do most days). It will be good to get the trial over with. I'm not a huge fan of the prison system, by any means, but this creep is exactly the type that needs to be incarcerated.
msanthrope
(37,549 posts)sought bail....I hope to write another one concerning his sentencing.
H2O Man
(75,202 posts)I absolutely appreciated it then, and I will definitely let you know when the victim impact statements are needed. For it is not only the immediate family that has suffered a loss ....our society is damaged by such aggressive and violent behaviors.
Your friendship means a great deal to me.
msanthrope
(37,549 posts)ms liberty
(9,765 posts)Next week, and sending good vibes your way. I'm so glad I saw this! I was wondering just a day or two ago how things were progressing. I was afraid I'd missed an update, because I just haven't been spending as much time here recently. Make sure you take care of yourself, whilst you're busy taking care of everyone else!
H2O Man
(75,202 posts)I was really glad that my other cousin came and prepared the sweat lodge ceremony for us. It did me a world of good. As much as I wish I could say otherwise, when I again saw that thug, just the sight of him -- and his smug behavior -- angered me. I could feel my former self, attempting to come to the surface. It must have shown, because as I was focused on him, a few of the law enforcement officers lined up between us, and had their eyes on me.
During the ceremony, I could feel the stress and tension draining from my body. I wish that I was to the point where I could forgive the murderer. But I'm not there yet.
shireen
(8,333 posts)H2O Man
(75,202 posts)woofless
(2,670 posts)We're with you in thought and intention.
H2O Man
(75,202 posts)The support of you & the DU community really means a great deal to me. My cousin thinks highly of everyone here, too. Maybe after the trial, he'll join. He loves politics, and would fit in very well.
Richard D
(9,306 posts)So difficult. I am glad you are able to sweat.
H2O Man
(75,202 posts)Spitfire of ATJ
(32,723 posts)I'd love to see his face when reality sinks in.
H2O Man
(75,202 posts)I try to avoid diagnosing people -- at least since I retired! But everything about this scum points to sociopath. I'm comfortable with that, based upon everything I know about him. And I think that, one day quite soon, the reality of what his life will be is going to sink in. And, on my word, I will let you know if I get to see that.
Spitfire of ATJ
(32,723 posts)Makes it easier to make those little wisps of steam come out of their ears.
davidpdx
(22,000 posts)but for what it's worth I hope everything goes smoothly and the trial is over quickly so you and your family can begin to heal. That is awful it happened to your family members.
H2O Man
(75,202 posts)I know that I keep repeating myself, but ....my cousin and his son are the most laid-back, non-confrontational, gentle men I have ever known. That makes his "extra" hard for me to make any sense out of. My younger son tells me to quit trying to make sense out of something so senseless. But I keep coming back to the same question: Why? The young man pulled over, and let the guy by. But he wouldn't let it go -- and by "it," I mean that the young man was obeying the speed limit.
hopemountain
(3,919 posts)this weekend and on monday and offer prayers that your hearts remain strong through this ordeal.
in the past, it has been helpful to me when experiencing an ordeal to think of it as a ceremony of rounds. in my mind i breath in the steam and sing the songs for each round... it helps - i have terrible ptsd and sectioning the time in rounds in a sacred way helps me.
i am very sorry you and your family are having to endure this terrible ordeal. justice and peace for your cousin and your nephew on his road.
in a good way, hopemountain
H2O Man
(75,202 posts)That means a lot to me. More than I can say.
When I saw my cousin today, I told him about the sweat with my other cousin. And how, while we were in ceremony, we could hear the distant sound of firetrucks, from several directions. As it turned out, it was a grass/brush fire, on the hill just behind where the incident had taken place. The reports say the fire was "naturally occurring," whatever that means.
I think it was a cleansing.
hopemountain
(3,919 posts)absolutely.
LittleGirl
(8,375 posts)I'll be thinking of you and your family this weekend and next week. Hugs
H2O Man
(75,202 posts)I appreciate that.
"With the power of soul, anything is possible."
-- Jimi Hendrix
malaise
(277,303 posts)in spirit
H2O Man
(75,202 posts)I am blessed to know you. For you are The Best.
marble falls
(61,707 posts)H2O Man
(75,202 posts)It means a lot to me, that you and so many others are interested in the case, and supportive of my family. One of the things that I try to keep in mind is that, for far too many individuals and families, this is part of their American experience. Such violence is all too common. Yet, as this community proves, people are good. Most people really are good.
Borchkins
(726 posts)As an attorney, I know the stress of a trial. Even with the facts on your side, until the Judge makes the pronouncement you will worry. It sounds like you have a wonderful support system. Continue to take care of each other.
B
H2O Man
(75,202 posts)I definitely agree with you -- trials are stressful. Civil court is tense, often extremely much so. And criminal court is even more so ....especially a murder trial.
Today, when I was talking with my cousin, I reminded him that all he has to do on that witness stand is tell the truth. The defense attorney will try to engage him in conversation, and even ask questions that are intended to confuse and/or upset him.
Though I'm retired now, during my career as a psychiatric social worker, I had the opportunity to serve as a witness in more trials than I can count. I reviewed a few simple tactics to keep things level with my cousin. ("Never attempt to argue with the opposing attorney," etc.)
I'm lucky to have many outstanding people in my family, and among my friends. It helps to keep me sane -- or at least as close to sane as I tend to be!
kag
(4,100 posts)We will be sending you peace and strength for you and and all your family through this difficult process.
H2O Man
(75,202 posts)JackInGreen
(2,975 posts)I'll pray for Justice.
Tyr should be happy to get some attention...
H2O Man
(75,202 posts)catbyte
(35,616 posts)2012. Luckily, his murderers were stupid and were caught within days. They were both convicted of first degree murder& were sentenced to the mandatory life without parole here in Michigan. It didn't bring quite the level of closure that I had hoped it would, but it does help knowing that they will never breathe free air again.
Thank you for the trial updates, and please know that I'm thinking about you and your family.
H2O Man
(75,202 posts)I'm sorry to hear about your friend. 2012 was not that long ago, and I know how unexpected things -- it could be a place, a song, a smell -- brings it back to our conscious minds. I still have that, from the murder of family and friends from the 1960s, '70s, and '80s. It never really goes away.
Viktor Frankl's books helped me to understand that one can actually grow stronger -- not because of these tragic events, but in spite of them.
Being human is a curious and strange experience sometimes, is it not?
polly7
(20,582 posts)I hope your cousin and all of you see justice gotten for such a sad, terrible loss.
H2O Man
(75,202 posts)I am confident that we will see justice, in the context of the legal system. Over the decades, I've seen the legal system's strengths and weaknesses. I still have a high opinion of its potential to function in a good way.
2naSalit
(91,888 posts)good to hear that you have a lodge as a refuge from the mire. I will send my brothers Raven, Bear and Eagle to accompany you in this time when strength in all ways is needed.
H2O Man
(75,202 posts)felix_numinous
(5,198 posts)Thank you for sharing this, you have friends you never met here
H2O Man
(75,202 posts)And you are right -- I have a lot of Good Friends here. I might not meet them face-to-face, but I meet them mind-to-mind. And that is powerful.
Melissa G
(10,170 posts)I appreciate the updates of this horrific experience that you and yours are passing through. The honesty and integrity of your family's approach to this brutality is an inspiration to read about. While it does diminish us all to have such barbarity occur, it also uplifts us all when good people respond in such an awakened manner in the face of such outrageous injustice. I deeply appreciate your efforts in sharing this pain and although your friends cannot fathom it's depths, we still travel beside you in support.
H2O Man
(75,202 posts)I really appreciate it. This forum allows me an opportunity to "unload" those feelings that I would otherwise be holding inside.
Lifelong Protester
(8,421 posts)are going through this. Your family must appreciate how steadfast you have been for them-great!
We appreciate hearing how it's going, but only do what you can do. Be there for them is probably the most important.
H2O Man
(75,202 posts)And you are right -- the most important thing I can do is to be there for my family. There are times when I wish there was something more .....some "answer." But the answer is to be there.
Sensitive soul
(71 posts)I've told you that before and this is one of the reasons why. Stay strong you'll get through it. I will be thinking about you and your family until this is over. And if there's anything I can do just let me know.
H2O Man
(75,202 posts)nadinbrzezinski
(154,021 posts)trials, from what I have experienced, can and are toxic affairs. Take care of your spirit my friend.
H2O Man
(75,202 posts)I know the defense attorney has a job to do, and that will include some degree of "blaming the victim." That's the nature of the beast.
I'll be wearing the "Kennedy '64" tie clip that the Attorney General handed out on the steps of that very court house, when he was running for Senate.
Kali
(55,661 posts)will be keeping the whole process in my thoughts, peace and healing to you and your family
H2O Man
(75,202 posts)Much appreciated!
GoddessOfGuinness
(46,437 posts)I'm so sorry for this devastating loss.
H2O Man
(75,202 posts)islandmkl
(5,275 posts)i was told this a long time ago:
"Adversity does not make you stronger...
Overcoming adversity makes you stronger."
You know many of us have you and your family in our minds.