Serious non political question:

[tavernier]

Do you think a child who has no siblings is at a disadvantage in life?

I am 69 years old, never had a brother or sister, and at this point in my life I can truly say that I feel this has been a great loss, even though I never actually had the fortune to experience it. Btw, no blame! I think the folks tried but it didn't happen.

They say you don't miss what you never had, but based on the closeness of my kids, I do wish I had experienced that love.

[leftofcool]

1. Disadvantage, not really.

Maybe a small loss but I don't see you as disadvantaged for not having siblings.

[riderinthestorm]

2. Oh tavernier, there's just too many variables to answer that w a straight forward yes or no

Many families with lots of siblings are estranged which may even be a more painful situation.

You are welcome to become my sibling. Come visit!!

[tazkcmo]

3. I'd say no to an advantage in life.

IMHO I don't think it matters much if at all. I'm the youngest of 6 and spent most summer days as far from my siblings as possible. We fought like cats and dogs, teased each other, ratted each out, etc. Of course if an non-family member did any of that we'd unite. It's not all love and you have to share your stuff! I don't want my sister getting cooties on my bike!

It's true, you can't lose what you never had but that doesn't mean you can't regret never having it in this first place. That's what I think you're doing and I think its normal but be careful for what you wish for! A dog is better.

Edited to add: Or a cat!!! A cat is better, too!!! Forgot this is the internet...

[Mira]

4. Speaking as the oldest of seven

the feelings that surged through me as I read your words were very varied and mostly ended up by thinking that yes, as your last sentence says, there was some love I have experienced, but more than that ----- way more than that ---- I experienced (to this day) a lot of negative things as well, a lot of pain, and boat loads of disappointments and a more than hard childhood because there was not enough for so many.
I am thrilled to read your children are close. That's wonderful, so is that you are calling it and enjoying it.

I would say, overall, your life as an only child maybe was as it was supposed to be.

I now wonder if I should delete this. But I won't. There will be, I'm sure, many answers coming in that will soften mine, which might also need to be said.

[roody]

5. I have little contact with my brothers.

When we do get together I can't stand them. They are not bad people; they're just icky. (Table habits and such)

[Nay]

6. Interesting. I have a brother I'm close to. We text or talk nearly every

day. We live 600 miles apart. As I age, I like having a sibling. When I was young Mr Nay and I had one child, a boy. I always wanted another child to keep him company, but we had only the one. He's grown now and tells me he really liked being an only child! His son is his only child and they plan on keeping it that way. So, there's no way to tell which way to go. Mr Nay, for example, only talks with 2 of his 4 siblings; he's estranged from the other 2.

[left-of-center2012]

7. A definite "maybe"

A child with siblings may learn something about interacting with other children.
An only child may be more self reliant.

Answer = I don't know.

[MurrayDelph]

8. It's always a crapshoot when you have kids

I had a wonderful sister who died when she was only 49. Her only child is a horrible person (she would say the same about me) according to my father's (now also-late) younger brother.

My wife is the youngest of three girls. The eldest is allegedly okay (even though I have never spoken to her), and the middle child (who never got over not being the baby), is a Republican politician in Riverside county.

There's no hard and fast rules about what makes the ideal family. Anyone who tells you they know is lying.

[travisjbailey]

9. the feelings

the feelings that surged through me as I read your words were very varied and mostly ended up by thinking that yes, as your last sentence says,

[malaise]

10. Not all siblings are close

I come from a close knit family.
Just be glad you have kids who like one another and are close.
I know siblings who don't even speak with one another.

[chade]

11. Awww, tavernier, remember that siblings are regular people, too.

People can be good, bad, quiet, loud, responsive, mad, sad, happy, and so on. I love my siblings and care about them, but we don't really talk all that much outside of holidays. Other people, as posters have mentioned above, end up estranging their siblings because they don't agree with the people they become. The exact same thing can happen with parents, too. Sometimes not good people have children. Many people find friends who are not related at all who are *like* siblings to them, and others latch on to a cousin or other distant relative whom they identify with more.

I think you should be proud of the fact that you fostered in your children the ability to care such that it manifests in such a strong way in how they feel toward each other. What that means for you is that you can know that they have a companion who will be with them through it all because of their great relationship that you helped to nurture.

I also suspect, given the self-reflection evident in this post, and the empathy shown toward your children, that you've fostered some amazing relationships over the years, whether they are blood or not. And that's what it's really all about.

[athena]

12. You could have had siblings and a narcissistic parent.

That would have been a much worse disadvantage than having no siblings.

If you had two parents who both loved you and valued you, count yourself lucky. Many people do not realize what a privilege this is.

[laundry_queen]

15. oh, god, yes, this

I hinted at it in my post downthread, but I had 2 narcissistic parents (think incredibly co-dependent) and one brother who was the 'golden child'.

Let's just say him and I have never gotten along. For reasons I am guessing you would understand.

[athena]

17. I'm so sorry.

That must have been horrible.

I was an only child with divorced parents, one of whom was absent, and the other a narcissist. I did have one set of loving grandparents, which made things slightly less bad. Loving grandparents can't take the place of indifferent parents, but they turn you into a self-hating high-achiever rather than a self-hating low-achiever.

Have you read "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?" by Karyl McBride? It's a little painful to read, but it helped me immensely. Among other things, it explains that the "golden child" also has major problems internally (something you probably know already).

[laundry_queen]

18. Yes, I've read that book :)

A really good psychologist recommended it to me.

I was lucky that I had a really loving aunt when I was very small - she babysat me 9 hours a day from the time I was 6 months until I was 3 years old and she stayed involved in my life after that. My memories go back to 18 months old so I remember many good times with her and my cousin who was a year younger than me. Growing up, I knew inherently that how I was being treated was wrong because of that aunt. It probably saved me from a lifetime of severe dysfunction and addiction.

As much as I hated my brother when I was younger, and wished I was an only child, now that I know my parents were narcissists, I'm so glad I wasn't. At least they spread their dysfunction around. I think it would be harder for that one child to have all that dysfunction focused on them and only them. So hugs to you too.

[NV Whino]

13. Cats are better

Seriously.

[laundry_queen]

14. I'm going with "it depends"

Here's why: I think only children might sometimes, depending on their upbringing (parental guidance, number of cousins, etc) have issues with basic ideas of sharing and empathy. They might have to work harder at it, as it doesn't come naturally, especially if they had doting parents. My ex husband was an only child (who was the center of attention although I wouldn't call his parents 'doting'), and simple things like sharing a bathroom or making joint decisions, or coming to a compromise was always nearly impossible.

On the plus side, I think only children often get more attention, have more self confidence and are better taken care of financially.

I'm not an only child, but I only have one sibling and we don't get along. He was the younger brother who was the 'golden child' and while we never got along very well, and we are polar opposites in personality I'd say I'd rather have him around than not. I do love him but we've had more bad times than good. Everyone said I'd appreciate him more as we grew up. Not really - but I do appreciate my sister-in-law so that's something. They aren't having kids though, so I won't get to be an auntie or anything either. It's hard for us to get along when he's quite wealthy and no kids, and I'm a divorced, struggling single mom with 4 kids. Not much in common at all.

As I said - I have 4 children - my ex did not like being an only child, and I didn't like only having one sibling so we both wanted a larger family. So far...my kids love each other, and love having a larger family but none of them want to have many kids of their own - they think it is too hard (it is, had I known my ex was going to leave, there is no way I'd have had 4, but we can't plan those things!) but they all appreciate having each other (They are all girls, so love having sisters, and I love that they have each other, since I only had 1 brother). They all get along reasonably well. I think that depends on upbringing too - it's too easy for parents to create a lot of the division I think. My parents did.

I think it's especially important when siblings get older. My mom came from a family of 8 and I see how they all support each other now as everyone is getting old and parents and spouses pass away.

But siblings can also be the source of a lot of strife - my xMIL's psychopath brother was in the middle of getting his mother to change her will and restructure her accounts (unbeknownst to my xMIL) when his mother died unexpectedly, then her brother died a month or so later, so my xMIL found out all these weird crazy things after the fact and had to get a lawyer to straighten everything out. Took her a year and some arguing with her SIL about it.

Anyhow, now I'm rambling - but even though I have a sibling, I, like you, see my kids being close and wish I had that too. I know my brother and I will never be close like that, it is what it is. Even if you'd have had a sibling, there was no guarantee there would be that closeness. It's okay to feel like you lost out on something though...because you did even though it was no one's fault

[BillZBubb]

16. There advantages and disadvantages in each situation.

My family was large. It always seemed the kids who were only children were better off financially and the parents really doted on the one child. My family had a lot of stress due to finances among other things.

Maybe it's a case of the grass being greener...

[liberal_at_heart]

19. Life is life. I lost my mother when I was 3 and my father

worked 12 hour days. I was alone a lot even though I had two brothers. We've never been particularly close due to gender and age differences. I am very shy and don't have many friends. I tend to spend most of my time with my husband, children, and my father lives with me. I do think about what I would do if say my kids moved away and I lost my husband. I would feel very alone. The good news is as adults we have more say over what happens to us than when we were kids. We can find ways to connect with people and find activities that make us happy. Even as shy as I am if my kids moved away and I did lose my husband I think I would probably try to reach out to find a new friend. Someone I could confide in and share things in common with. Maybe even reach out to my brothers. There is nothing we can do about the things that are out of our control. All we can do is make the best out of what we have, and it can be pretty great if we make it great.

[tavernier]

20. Thanks to a everyone for your replies.

I won't respond individually since most are advice and reminiscences, but I read each one closely and greatly appreciate the time and effort you gave to my post.

I suppose most of my feelings have been based on the recent loss of my parents and other family members. I kept thinking that it would be really nice to have a sibling left to talk over and share old memories. But who knows... I might have ended up with a real jerk.

Gratefully accepting all your hugs.