The New Yorker: “THE BACHELORETTE” HAPPENED TO ME
By Eli Grober , MAY 23, 2016
It was a Monday night. A casting-director friend had set me up on a date with a girl named Sarah. I was excited—my friend had told me that she was sending a car to pick me up. I figured this must be an expensive place we were going, so I dressed nice. Just before eight o’clock, a limousine pulled up in front of my house. Fancy, I thought. The limo contained around twenty other men, all dressed really well, and all very buff, with handsome faces. They kept saying things like “She’s so pretty,” and “I wonder who she’ll choose tonight.” I was confused. Maybe I’d been set up on a group date? Maybe this was a very trendy Uber Pool? I heard the doors lock, and a voice from the front seat told us to prepare an introduction and a talent.
As I tried to think of a talent I had (maybe juggling? I could kind of juggle), we arrived at a large house with a camera crew in the driveway. This should have been my first red flag. Sarah stood outside, greeting the men one by one. I was jealous already—who were these other dudes? The rest of us waited in the limo and introduced ourselves. The guy sitting across from me was named Chris. The guy next to me said his name was Chris B. Then Chris B. told me that my name was Chris D. I said, “No, my name is Ralph.” He told me, “That’s very funny, Chris D. Now go introduce yourself to Sarah and do a talent.” Then he pushed me out of the limo and I had to juggle for Sarah.
When I told her my name was Ralph, she hugged me and whispered, “You’re Chris D. now.” Inside the house, we all wandered around drinking and making small talk. I asked one of the cameramen what the hell was going on, and he told me that it was time for my “confessional.” He sat me down and asked what I thought of Sarah so far. I said she was very pretty, but that I was scared and wanted to go home. He said, “Why don’t you say something like ‘She’s radiant, but I’m afraid of losing myself to love’?” “No thanks,” I said.
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http://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/the-bachelorette-happened-to-me
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