A Plea for Help From Donald Trump’s Hair: "What he did to me, he’ll do to America!”

[Liberal_in_LA]

Marcus Aurelius said, “Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart.” Of course, that was easy for Marcus to say — he was a Roman emperor and a philosopher; not a bad fate to which to be resigned. Fate has been somewhat less kind to me. I have the thankless job of being Donald Trump’s hair. By this time, you should be feeling better about your own life. By the way, I have to whisper because he’s sleeping now and would throw a fit if he knew I was saying these things to you.

At the risk of stating the obvious, being The Donald’s hair is not a job I ever applied for or desired. Had anyone asked me, I might have requested being Steve Jobs’ mind, Kobe Bryant’s body, or Oprah Winfrey’s entertainment savvy. But, no. A cosmic roll of the dice resulted in my ending up on this man’s head, in the now-familiar form at which you’ve no doubt gazed in stupefied wonder many times. As a result, I have taken and continue to take what I believe social scientists refer to as a butt-load of abuse. I’m not saying the abuse is undeserved considering the visual results of how The Donald treats me. I just want someone to feel my pain.

As brief examples, among the descriptions people have used to degrade and humiliate me:
A mound of cotton candy but with less style
An aggressive cowlick gone rogue
Hair follicles embedded in the scalp at completely random angles
The color of an undeveloped baby chick
More flyaways than LAX
More soft-serve swirl than Dairy Queen
Televangelist-style comb-over from Hell
Grotesque, exhibitionistic, peacocky mutation

Can you feel my pain? The sad part is, they’re correct. I mean, he’s asking for it, isn’t he? With my wavy slant that seems to defy gravity. I plunge, cover most of his forehead, and just before touching his brows, I ascend to the heavens. It’s nauseating and this is my life.

And, come on, does he think he’s fooling anyone? Is there a person on the planet who doesn’t believe he’s going to desperate, tasteless extents to camouflage the thinning? And my color; don’t get me started. Too late. It’s obviously no color that’s ever been found in nature. To compare my color to burnt Cheetos or nicotine-stained teeth would be offensive to burnt Cheetos and nicotine-stained teeth. For the love of God, I was a natural, pleasant brown when I started!

But even more unbelievable than my physical appearance is the fact that Donald actually thinks it looks good. The man has, I assume, two functioning eyes and still he thinks this looks good. And wants to be the Leader of the Free World. If the man completely misjudges his own appearance, what in heaven’s name will he do with situations of far greater import? Look at me! Hopefully not while you’re eating. Kim Jung Un’s hair is the laughingstock of the world and I swear he has better hair than Donald.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mark-c-miller/a-plea-for-help-from-dona_b_10040492.html

[MADem]

1. The reason he looks like a pin-head under that fluff is because

he had a scalp reduction (Tom Jones and a few other luminaries have had this done, too). They essentially cut out the bald bits and sew the parts with hair together--it can cause a somewhat odd look if it's not done right. It was not done right with "The Donald."

Thing is, he's trapped--he has a huge scar under those feathers, so he can't ever do the manly bald thing without a lot more work, and no guarantee that they won't be able to hide the scars.

He should talk to Tony Bennett--that guy is bald as a cue ball, GARAGIOLA-bald, in fact-- but he has the best wigman in the business.

[Liberal_in_LA]

2. Ahhhh..that's why his head looks so odd whenthe wind blows

The wind is his enemy

[MADem]

3. He has "a guy" who does his "hair replacement system"

and it is basically an overpriced weave!

He's got the dude installed right next to his office!

Thing is, he'd be better off just going to the Hair Club For Men, or something...or getting ahold of the Bennett or Travolta wigmaker.

[malaise]

4. Too good

If I ever caught him asleep, I'd unravel the mystery of that hair literally and figuratively