More Americans Expected to Self-Medicate Than for Any Other Debate in History predicts Borowitz

[Mira]

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HEMPSTEAD, NY (The Borowitz Report)—As the nation awaits the first faceoff between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump on Monday night, more Americans are expected to self-medicate than for any other Presidential debate in history.

With over a hundred million people projected to watch the debate, roughly sixty million of them will be barely sentient after ingesting what they deem to be the necessary dose of intoxicants.

Davis Logsdon, of the University of Minnesota, estimated on Monday that the level of self-medication for the Trump-Clinton debate could be seven hundred per cent greater than for the first Obama-Romney debate, in 2012.

“The stakes seem higher this time,” Logsdon said. “There’s a sense that, depending on the outcome of tonight’s debate, all human life on the planet could be in peril.”

Across the country, liquor stores reported a desperate run on their merchandise as Americans fortified themselves for what many called “ninety minutes of horror.”

www.borowitzreport.com

[Greybnk48]

1. We're going to, if we watch at all

it will be from a high altitude.

[NightWatcher]

2. I have started already, did wake and bake

I'll relax now and top off again around 8'sh.

[Cracklin Charlie]

3. Kick

[LeftInTX]

4. This isn't a joke!!!!!!

[dmosh42]

5. Yeah, seems like a good night to test my wine consumption limits!

[BootinUp]

6. Borowitz is always on target with his awesome humor. nt

[spinbaby]

7. If ever a night called for a drinking game...

I'd say drink whenever Trump lies, but don't want to cause alcohol poisoning.

[Yo_Mama_Been_Loggin]

8. I'm going to have to

If I'm going to half way tolerate The Orange Shit-Gibbon.

[Dorian Gray]

9. No booze for us tonight

but throughout the day, lots of people I talked to mentioned getting wine or whiskey to sit at home and watch this thing.

(I'm in Brooklyn.)

I think people are nervous about what the heck Trump might do. And very vocal about their support for Hillary.

[Solly Mack]

10. I must confess, I just did.

But to be fair (to me), it was time for my medicines.

Luckily.