The Onion: "Secret Service Shuts Down Biden’s Unofficial White House Tour Operation "

[Miles Archer]

Secret Service Shuts Down Biden’s Unofficial White House Tour Operation

http://www.theonion.com/article/secret-service-shuts-down-bidens-unofficial-white--54321



WASHINGTON—Encouraging the group of visitors that he was showing around the Roosevelt Room to “fucking hightail it,” vice president Joe Biden was reportedly stopped by “killjoy” Secret Service members Tuesday who moved quickly to shut down his unofficial White House tour. “I provide a legit service at a discount, unlike that rinky-dink official tour where you don’t get to peep half as much cool-ass shit, but those glorified security guards had to go and put the kibosh on it,” said Biden, who had reportedly been making some extra cash on the side by approaching groups of tourists waiting in line outside the White House and asking them if they wanted to see the “real deal,” before sneaking ahead into the West Wing to check if the coast was clear. “The actual tour is a huge ripoff, but Diamond Joe’s Ultimate Sightseeing Adventure shows you stuff that’s not on any map. Listen, there’s some shit that Barry doesn’t even know is here, and I was letting people in on it for a totally reasonable price. Plus, I give people way more bang for their buck with all the trippy strobe lights and dry ice in the basement, not to mention the fact that all of Uncle Joe’s guests get to snag a bitchin’ lamp or clock at the end.” At press time, Biden was reportedly lamenting that his most recent group of visitors missed out on seeing the historical spot where he mistook an 18th-century chest of drawers for a urinal while “completely tanked.”

[sharp_stick]

1. I love what The Onion

has done to Biden. It's some of the funniest stuff I've read.

[krispos42]

4. ^^^This^^^

I refuse to believe they won't print a compilation book of this in the near future!

[LonePirate]

2. We all love Biden but The Onion is going to miss him the most come January.

Hopefully Kaine proves to be as worthy of attention from The Onion.

[longship]

3. Love the Onion, and Joe Biden.

Remember when he washed his TransAm in the White House driveway?

WASHINGTON—Taking advantage of the warm spring weather Monday, Vice President Joe Biden parked his 1981 Trans Am in the White House driveway, removed his undershirt, and spent a leisurely afternoon washing the muscle car and drinking beer.


Vice President Biden ditched a day of presiding over the Senate to "give the twin cannons some sun."
"This baby just needs a little scrub down," said Biden, addressing a tour group as he tucked the sweat-covered top into the belt loop of his cutoff jean shorts. "Gotta get her looking good so I can impress the chicks when I'm cruising down Pennsylvania [Avenue]."

White House aides said that Biden pulled into the driveway shortly before noon, the chorus of Night Ranger's &quot You Can Still) Rock In America" blaring from his car's stereo. According to witnesses, Biden spent several minutes maneuvering the Trans Am into the perfect spot, and was observed drumming his fingers on the steering wheel until the song came to a close.

The shirtless 66-year-old then entered the executive residence and greeted employees with a round of high fives and a variety of nicknames.

"Hey, hot stuff, looking good," Biden told a passing aide. "Would you know where I could get a little bucket and sponge action? My mean machine needs to be cleaned."

More at link

Shirtless Biden Washes Trans Am in White House Driveway

[Blue_Tires]

5. Where do I sign up?