I used to tear down others to lift myself up

[nadine_mn]

So here we go - confessions of former "hater"

I never realized the extent of which I did this behavior, I never meant it intentionally (as in if I knew I was going to be seeing someone, I would plan out a list of things to say to smack them down) - it usually just flew out of my month. Mostly around family - cousins in particular - but pretty much I have done it to lots of people.

After a family gathering, I always felt like shit afterwards - I would play back in my head what happened, realized what I said in my moment of insecurity, and felt an intense amount of shame because I know how much words can hurt (esp when spoken to you by family). And sure enough, I would do it again. I started to avoid being around people because I felt like I had no control over my toxicity.

I know where I learned to tear down in order to make yourself look better - my mom is the queen of it. Always comparing me to anyone and everyone, and no matter what I did it was never enough. I internalized that into my everyday thinking.

If I saw friends or family post good news on facebook, I would constantly have to remind myself of something "bad" about them that somehow made me ok. And this cycle of feeling like a shitty person would continue.

Two things have happened - really good therapy and change in my medications, and more importantly - distancing myself from the most toxic person in my life. I didn't really notice any changes - I have just been plugging along one day at a time - beating myself up for random transgressions etc.


This past weekend was a family gathering - a party for an uncle who was retiring. I had to attend, but dreaded it because I felt it would be a repeat of what happened in the past (me feeling like a failure and then saying something hurtful, and then feeling even worse). Also this has been a pretty shitty year - I am long term unemployed, husband just lost his job so our finances are shaky, I had a mental breakdown earlier in the year, our 17 yr old cat died, our other two pets are old and need lots of care, I am extremely overweight and just not really feeling my best.

All I wanted to do was to get through the day. But weirdly - as I greeted my cousins and celebrated their successes and good events: engagement, new job, wonderful son who just enlisted, happy relationships, each looking fantastic - I was genuinely and sincerely happy for them. I didn't try to sugar coat or make my situation look better (basically just said eh things are sucky right now but we are getting through it) or try to downplay anything of theirs.

I didn't make a conscious effort to not be an asshole - it just happened. That negative shitty voice in my head (that sometimes spoke out loud) wasn't there - no second guessing, no insecurity, no unrealistic comparisons. It felt amazing. Being able to truly celebrate and focus on them was great. At the time I wasn't thinking "hey - look I'm not being a dick", but when I got home and did the replay in my head - realized that we all had a good time - better than we ever had since we were kids.


Anyway the whole reason I am posting this is because when I listen to Trump and his supporters I hear so much of that tearing down to make Trump look better - and its tearing down everyone: media, reporters, Hillary, women, people of color, former business partners etc. I don't expect Trump to feel any remorse because honestly I don't believe he can. But so many of the women surrogates who spew out garbage constantly on any cable show that will have them - I assume some of them have normal human emotions. I know I felt like shit and the comments I made were random & petty - the stuff these women (and they are mostly women) are saying is just vile. It sounds like a cliche, but really how can they sleep at night?

Every election has it's ugly moments - but this election is just disgusting. Everyone who listens or watches or reads anything from the Trump or GOP is infected with this negativity. The ramifications I think are going to last long after November 8th. It truly saddens me because I know how sick I would feel after hurting someone - imagining millions of other people with that same feeling of sickness just really make me wish we could somehow hug it all out.

[Buckeye_Democrat]

1. Good for you! I think everyone is that way to some extent.

It's very easy for me to be critical because my mother was the same way! She at least "explained" herself sometimes, saying that she didn't want her children to be arrogant. Maybe "rationalized" would be a better term?

I don't think I try to hurt others for the sake of hurting them, though. It's more of a "I'll take you down a few pegs" urge.

I mostly try to keep my mouth closed when an urge to criticize others arises, especially around people close to me. My oldest brother (his high school's debating champ) lets it spew out more often, and it's not surprising that lots of people don't care for his company. So much of it doesn't really amount to a hill of beans either. It's been hard to convince him to change (given his "oldest brother syndrome&quot , but he's been improving too.

Anyway, if you and others around you are happier...

[karmaqueen]

2. Very informative post!

This helped me understand a few people I know that are unhappy. They are also hard to be around listening to the negative talk about others all the time. So glad you found out what the problem was and that you are happy and able to see the harm the trump campaign is doing to so many people. Thanks for posting this.

[Squinch]

3. This is kind of amazing. Your self-awareness, your capacity to change, the happiness you can

now add to your life by being happy for others.

I am really glad for you.

It may have been a bad year for you, and I am sorry about that, but something amazing also happened.

[wildeyed]

4. Great post!

Thanks for that.

[Wounded Bear]

5. K & R ......thanks for sharing...nt

[surrealAmerican]

6. You, at least, were able to recognize when you were being senselessly cruel.

I'm not sure that is the case with some of the major players in this election cycle. They are cold and calculating, and they seemingly have no remorse. They probably sleep just fine - after all, it's just a game to them, and the "rubes" deserve everything bad that might happen to them. We don't count as people to them.

[lovemydog]

7. Yes, toxic behavior can feed on itself

and poison you more than it's hurting anyone else.

I reflect on this often too. While it's part of human nature to compare & contrast, we can examine its affects upon us. There's no point in poisoning yourself.

Here to more kindness & compassion. In our thoughts, words and deeds.

[smirkymonkey]

8. Thank you for sharing this - it's amazing that you could be so self aware and actually take steps

to make some changes. Congratulations!

I have also noticed that about myself and it has helped me to understand and have compassion for other people - to an extent. I was never as nasty as Trump and his kind, but I would think nasty things or talk about other people and end up hating myself for it. As I have gotten older, that behavior has changed due to a combination of therapy, self-reflection and maturity, but I agree with you. Cruel and nasty people are miserable inside. When you can accept yourself for who you are, you are naturally accepting of others. Not that you don't ever have a problem with anyone, but you are just much less judgmental.

Thanks again for your story!

[Stuart G]

9. k and r..

[raven mad]

10. Don't let fear rule you.

99% of hate is fear.

[DCofVA]

11. I'm all for a group hug

When I was younger I was full of hate too. I would project my hate onto others. Then one day I was watching a show about why people hate, and one of the speakers said something that really blew my mind. He said that there is one thing that all people who hate, have in common. They all hate one thing more than anything else. And, that is themselves. He went on to say, if you truly like yourself, it's impossible to hate others. Of course, he wasn't talking about vanity. He wasn't talking about superficial things like looks and money. He meant accepting who you are, as you are.
This is how my transformation began. Once I began to accept myself as I was, it just seemed to fall in naturally that I accepted others too.
I don't hate anybody anymore. Not even Trump or his supporters. I can see myself in all of them and in everyone else as well.
Thank you for your insightful post, Nadine.

[el_bryanto]

12. That's well stated and well worth considering.

There is a sort of dark pleasure to be taken in ripping into people and making them feel crummy - I can't pretend I've never done that - but it always hurts you pretty badly as well.

Thanks for sharing.

Bryant