Thank you ladies, gentlemen and prospective donors, remote viewing audiences, readers, tweeters, and other platform attendees for joining me standing, sitting, lying here as your candidate for elected office, civic duty, greased chute to Swellsville. It is with extreme, reserved, dubious pride that I accept your mandate, challenge, double dog dare, and I hereby promise, guarantee, secretly doubt that I will represent you to the best of my ability and everything in my heart and soul and man purse.
I’m sure you want to know what I stand for and so do I. And I will reveal my positions just as soon as you let me know what’s important to you. What springs, leaps, staggers exhaustedly to mind: god, flag, family, kittens, rainbows. I’m for all things good and opposed to everything that’s bad, ladies and gentlemen and heavy contributors. And you can count on me to stay that way as long as you return me to office, or until a better offer in the private sector rolls around, hopefully soon.
If circumstances, poll numbers, my extortion trial verdict, were different and he/ she/ they weren’t advocating we push old people, children, veterans, into the path of a steaming locomotive, 18 wheeler, cheese blintz, I would be the first, seventy- third, last one to defend their right to say whatever irresponsible things he/ she/ they believed in, didn’t believe in or heard from a unicorn was true, because in this great country, city, state, ladies and gentlemen and 527 administrators, everyone is entitled to their own opinion no matter how foolish or downright treasonous it may be or see or dee.
And my opponent is one of those who needs his/ her/ their lips sewed closed, ladies and gentlemen and focus group participants, with their baseless accusations, frivolous charges, grand jury testimony. Because the way things are today, tomorrow and yesterday, in good conscience I just can’t stand here and there and everywhere and let this continue, persist, carry on my wayward son.
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