Trump wouldn't accept any advice. Especially not from the likes of us.
But just for the hell of it, let's pretend Trump might actually listen to the things we'd tell him. Under those conditions, and assuming I'm speaking directly to him, I would tell him this.
1. Replace your staff, your advisors and your Cabinet. You're a businessman. If a person with absolutely no experience in food service applied for the job of executive chef in your finest restaurant, you wouldn't even interview him much less hire him - but to run the United States Government, a task far more critical than running a restaurant, you packed the place with absolutely inexperienced and, worse, completely incompetent and ideologically-driven people. The last Republican president was George W. Bush. Faced with the same situation as you - being a new president who has to hire a team to work with him - he staffed mostly with veterans of his father's and Reagan's administrations. Many of those people are still alive, most of the ones who are still alive haven't been sent to prison yet, and a few of the ones who aren't in jail don't hate your guts, at least not yet. You could put together a fairly decent staff out of the ones who like you, and serious political wonks tend to know other people who would be better than the gang of thieves you've come up with.
1a. QUIT PICKING RETIRED GENERALS, DAMMIT!
1b. And quit picking used-up Goldman, Sachs executives. Dude, during the campaign when you weren't ripping Hillary a new asshole over that fucking e-mail server and you weren't ripping her one over Benghazi - do you even know where the hell Benghazi is? - you were beating her to death over having given speeches to Goldman, Sachs. If GS is the devil, why is your staff so packed with people who used to work there?
1c. No more Breitbart people either, especially since the Milo Yiannopoulos allegations have surfaced.
2. No more tweeting. You're embarrassing the country.
2a. Stop lying. (Thanks, Hamlette!)
3. Release not only your tax returns, but your business records.
4. Go before Congress and admit the extent of your dealings with foreign nationals - with special consideration given to anyone in your administration with ties to Russian organized crime syndicates.
5. Report to Walter Reed Army Medical Center and undergo a complete Army enlistment physical, to include a mental health examination. Report the findings to Congress and to the press.
6. Make nice with the press.
7. Attempt to repair the damage you have done to our standing in the world.
8. Completely dissociate yourself from your business empire if you choose to continue to serve as president. If you can't sell it - and you probably cannot, because you're upside-down - place it in a blind trust with a well-qualified administrator who is not related to you.
9. Your children and your son-in-law currently work as advisors in your administration. Remove them from it. Now.
and...
10. While this may seem petty and superficial, get a complete makeover. You need tailored suits, a better haircut and makeup that isn't orange. I realize you're the fattest president since William Howard Taft, but Mr. Taft looked pretty damn good in his three-piece suit and watch chain. You look like you're a homeless bum.
Right now you're a complete embarrassment to the nation. If you can't clean up your act, please admit this "president" thing was a mistake from the start, resign your office and return to your lush former life.
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Samantha Bee's staff are with us, too.
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