HomeLatest ThreadsGreatest ThreadsForums & GroupsMy SubscriptionsMy Posts
DU Home » Latest Threads » Forums & Groups » Main » General Discussion (Forum) » Late at night, in the bow...

Fri Mar 10, 2017, 12:24 PM

Late at night, in the bowels of the White House,

a spectral meeting is taking place. It's the weekly poker game of the ghosts of James Buchanan, Millard Fillmore, Franklin Pierce, Andrew Johnson, Warren Harding and Richard Nixon. The Worst Presidents Ever.

"What do you think, gentlemen?" said Buchanan as he cut the cards. "Do you think this new fellow will be joining us, whenever...?"

"I figured we'd be saving a place for the younger Bush," said Nixon.

"He'll join the club eventually," said Harding. "But this new guy, Trump... Man, I've been getting grief now for almost a hundred years for my corrupt administration but we were a bunch of Boy Scouts compared to him. It'll be nice to finally move down a couple notches on the Worst Presidents list."

Nixon lit an ectoplasmic cigar. "You know, when I lived here I had a few problems. It's nice to come back and haunt the place but I hate to see it occupied by such a bunch of grifters. I never made a nickel off Watergate."

Buchanan dealt the cards. Pierce looked at his hand and shook his head. "I never had much luck with this game when I was alive, either."

"I got impeached," Johnson said. "I didn't deserve it and I was acquitted. You think they'll get Trump? He's been here only a few weeks and he's already committed more impeachable offenses than I ever even thought of. Hell, all I did was try to fire Edwin Stanton. I kind of fucked up Reconstruction, too, but..."

"You were a terrible bigot," said Nixon.

"You should talk," Johnson replied. "I heard those tapes of yours. I wish I'd had tapes in those days."

Fillmore sipped his spectral whiskey and remarked, "Harry Truman once said I was a 'weak, trivial thumb-twaddler who would do nothing to offend anyone.' I'm still not speaking to him. But at least I was never a fucking Russian spy."

Nixon said, "We were all shitty presidents. But when Trump arrives I don't think I want him in this game. He'll cheat, for one thing. And he's an asshole."

Buchanan said, "Not only that, but he'll bluster and brag. The man has no class. I don't mind if that little Bush fella joins us; he's dumb and he's probably a terrible poker player but he knows some good jokes. By the way, Dick, you were an asshole, too."

"When Bush comes maybe I'll get to win once in awhile," said Pierce.

"I'm just looking forward to the day when I'm no longer considered the worst president in American history," said Buchanan.

"I fold," said Pierce. "And I don't think you'll have to wait until Trump is dead. He's already turning out to be way worse than any of us ever were. We just sucked. He's....."

Nixon said, "That fat fucker is a disgrace even to us, the worst presidents ever. I don't want to wait until he's dead and I don't want to play poker with him when he is. Let's haunt him."

Harding replied, "Brilliant! Let's do it!" He tried to fist-bump Nixon, but as he was made of ectoplasm the gesture was ineffective.

And so the ghosts of the Worst American Presidents started appearing to Trump in various places in the White House. Pierce tried to moon him but because he was transparent the gesture was not very effective. Although they enjoyed slipping through walls and making obscene gestures, after awhile the ghosts gave up and went back to their poker game because Trump was going mad without their help.

6 replies, 2996 views

Reply to this thread

Back to top Alert abuse

Always highlight: 10 newest replies | Replies posted after I mark a forum
Replies to this discussion thread
Arrow 6 replies Author Time Post
Reply Late at night, in the bowels of the White House, (Original post)
The Velveteen Ocelot Mar 2017 OP
maveric Mar 2017 #1
The Polack MSgt Mar 2017 #2
The Velveteen Ocelot Mar 2017 #3
Lucinda Mar 2017 #4
mnhtnbb Mar 2017 #5
Bozvotros Mar 2017 #6

Response to The Velveteen Ocelot (Original post)

Fri Mar 10, 2017, 12:27 PM

1. k&r

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to The Velveteen Ocelot (Original post)

Fri Mar 10, 2017, 03:24 PM

2. Ectoplasmic kick and rec. nt

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to The Velveteen Ocelot (Original post)

Fri Mar 10, 2017, 03:54 PM

3. Update:

"Trump is taking all the fun out of haunting," said Nixon at the next poker game. "Do you know what he just did?"

"I'm afraid to even ask," said Harding.

"So you guys have been keeping up with all this new stuff, right? Like computers and smart phones?" Nixon said. "Amazing things. I could have managed Watergate so much better if... Anyhow, I know you've been watching television. I had television too, but not as good as this. And porn. Whenever Trump watches porn I know you guys are watching. Bet you never had porn like that in your day."

"All we ever had was naughty postcards," said Buchanan. "The world has come a long way since I became dead."

"So true," said Fillmore.

"Anyhow," Nixon continued, "there's this thing called Twitter. You've seen that? Anybody can send their own little brain farts all over the world, as if the world gave a shit. But when you're the president people pay attention. I wish I'd had Twitter. 'I am not a crook,' I'd have Tweeted. Maybe I'd have been believed if I'd said it on Twitter. People always said I looked too shifty on television."

"You did look shifty," said Pierce. "You still look shifty even though you're dead and barely visible."

"Fuck you," Nixon said, as his wraith vibrated slightly, making him look even more shifty than usual. "What I was going to say is that Trump uses this Twitter thing all the time to say stupid and crazy things that millions of people actually believe. Like I said, I wish I'd had it. So you know what he said early this morning?"

"Do tell," said Harding.

Nixon pulled an iPhone out of his pocket and poked at it. "How can you make that work? And how does a dead guy get a Twitter account?" Buchanan asked.

"I think it has to do with electromagnetism. Anyhow, here's what he said: 'I am being haunted by the ghosts of some very bad presidents. Obama's fault! SAD!'"

All the ghosts laughed uproariously. "Well, that should do it," Harding chuckled. "They'll haul him out of here in a white coat in no time."

"Afraid not," Nixon sighed. His ectoplasm faded slightly, emphasizing his five-o-clock shadow. "Millions of people believed him. Now he's calling for a Congressional investigation into Democratic-sponsored haunting."

The ghosts rolled their dead eyes. "Deal," said Fillmore.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to The Velveteen Ocelot (Reply #3)

Fri Mar 10, 2017, 04:10 PM

4. :)

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to The Velveteen Ocelot (Original post)

Fri Mar 10, 2017, 04:21 PM

5. Excellent!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to The Velveteen Ocelot (Original post)

Fri Mar 10, 2017, 06:59 PM

6. Great stuff

If you try to write simple factual political non-fiction about Trump it just sounds too unbelievable. Your use of the satirical science fiction historical horror genre helps keep it real. Looking forward to updates.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink

Reply to this thread