General Discussion
Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsAnother day, another descent into madness.
The Ostomy Bag With a Dead Tabby on Top occupying the Oval Office is pitching fits this week, because he's creeping up on the very special day when every Televison network/Newspaper/Blog/Child Drawing on the Tablecloth With Crayons will publish identical pieces, all titled "We Knew He Was a Twit, But Seriously If We'd Elected a Half-Empty Can of Mello Yello President It Would've Achieved More In Its First 100 Days." He tried the "Aw, nobody cares about the dumb ol' first 100 days anyway," tactic, somehow hoping no one would notice the video footage of the dozens of times he promised to Solve All the Problems and Create All the Jobs and also invent a delicious chocolate cake that burns fat and cures cancer and whispers BOMB SYRIA in the voice of a sultry Russian spy, all in, ahem, his first 100 days.
Word is, he's been tugging on Paul Ryan's sleeve saying "Hey, I know you're busy hunting the poor for sport and all, but is there any chance you could pass a comprehensive health care bill this week? Why this week? Oh, no reason."
Flailing about for accomplishments beyond Turning Our Rivers Into All-the-Coal-Ash-You-Can-Drink Bars and Showed Kid Rock My Cool New Desk, Tangerine Idi Amin decided he was gonna put on his deal-makin' pants and get his big stupid wall built! Mustering all his fearsome negotiating might, he said "Mr. Schumer, pay for this wall! Or I will withhold crucial ACA payments, blowing up the insurance market and stripping health insurance from millions of Americans!"
Chuck Schumer then pinched himself fifteen times to make absolutely sure this was really happening in the real world. Was this clown really saying "gimme what I want or I start letting working class folks die from treatable ailments?" Did he somehow forget the humiliating defeat just weeks ago of the Trumpcare bill, sunk because the American people got righteously fightin' mad that the GOP was trying to take health care away from millions? Was Dorito Mussolini really threatening to do THE VERY SAME FUCKING THING HE WAS UNEQUIVOCALLY SHIT ON FOR JUST THE OTHER DAY? Well, if the President was so hell-bent on running face first into the same glass door he had just run into, what could Chuck do except buy some popcorn, set up a lawn chair, and laugh his ass off?
With no chance whatsoever of success, Drumpf backed off his demands today. And so the Shart of the Deal, the dude whose whole pitch was "Hey, I might a racist creep but I'm the best at deals," has utterly and completely failed in his only two attempts to cut deals with congress. His attempts to cut deals have yielding precisely Nothing He Wanted. He has a zero per cent success rate at dealmaking as President. He has exactly as many deals as there are good Transformers movies.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Word is, Donnie Darko is thirsty to move on to tax reform, floating a massive reduction in a certain type of corporate tax allllllll the way down to 15%. That this would result in the President pocketing a fuckton more money than he currently can is surely a coincidence, and the dishonest media is FAKE NEWSING by pointing this out, but seriously, does this assclown really imagine that using the power of his office to pass a giant cut to his own personal taxes will go well? I'm setting up a chair next to Chuck Schumer.
But Team Shart's bumbling ineptitude certainly hasn't been limited to legislation. When the Time/Life set of Trump's Biggest Fuckups comes out in a few years, I think we'll all smile nostalgically when we remember such hits as Telling a Purple Heart Recipient "Congratulations," or Having the Unbridled Temerity to Give a Hollow Statement at a Holocaust Remembrance Event After Embracing White Nationalism And Dragging His Feet Condemning Anti-Semitic Terror Acts And Also Refusing to Condemn David Duke For Weeks, or my personal favorite, I Got the Best Ratings Since 9/11. Determined to cement his image at a comic book supervillain, he's even ordered a revue of 21 years worth of national park designations with an eye on reversing a few, because he's FUCKING ANTI NATIONAL PARK TOO? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? DOES THE NEXT EXECUTIVE ORDER ABOLISH CUPCAKES AND PUPPIES?
Anyhow, Princess Invanka went on a little German vacation to play diplomat, because actual diplomatic experience is a disqualifying trait these days, and it went as well as you'd expect. She tried to talk about how super rad her dad is for women, and the Germans in attendance went Böööö (Which is German for "Boooo" , we all know he is a püssy-grabbing piece of shit you don't fool us, and also what the fuck is up with this "My daughter is also my advisor despite the whole No Relevant Experience thing? And she was all "Oh, I'm figuring out as I go along, isn't that cute," and the Germans were like "Nö it is not cute, you are all horrible." Oh and later it turned out that the Duchess of Nepotism's clothing line is produced by sweatshop workers, because of course it is.
Speaking of Diplomacy, Meandering Sleepwalker/Somehow the Actual Secretary of State Rex Tillerson apparently set up a meeting with African Union Chairperson and just...decided he didn't wanna, or forget about it cuz he got swept up in a MATLOCK marathon or something, resulting in no meeting and some seriously pissed off African diplomats. I don't know that it's fair to get mad at ol' Rex for this, though...it's not like it's his job to oversee our entire nation's diplomacy or anythOH WAIT.
Chief of Staff Rinse Pubis (I'm pretty sure that's his name, right?) tried to blame Democratic obstruction for his boss failing to nominate anyone to fill the eleventy-million open executive branch jobs, which is of course insane, but barely merits a mention in the general Shit Circus in the Middle of a Flaming Sharknado we all apparently live in now.
Meanwhile, advisor Sebastian Gorka tantrumed out of a panel at Georgetown because the students called him a Nazi for the TOTAL BULLSHIT reason that he's a Nazi. Indiana Jones is gonna catch up to you one of these days, Sebastian.
Polling continues to be an perpetual-motion-nut-punching machine for Il Douche. He and his team and his agenda (especially his health care bill and his big stupid wall) keep getting less and less popular, while Obamacare, and even IMMIGRATION (suck it Jeff Sessions) are gaining ever more fans. But of course all polls are fake gnus, except that one that showed a sturdy majority believes his hands are totally normal-sized.
Eager to show what a Big Strong Boy he is, especially having backed off his tough guy talk on labeling China a currency manipulator, the Idiot Manchild decided to pick a trade war fight with Canada over softwood lumber. Now, the U.S. National Association of Home Builders tells us that the new tariff will lead to a $1,300 increase in the construction cost of new single-family homes, and cost the industry more than 4,500 full time jobs. But hey, if that increases the cost of YOUR house, or costs you YOUR job, well you can just join those who make their living in the tourism industry and those in industries that rely on undocumented immigrant labor to keep costs down on the Go Fuck Yourself Bus; the President wants errybody to know what a Badass Hater of Furreners he is, and if you have to pay for it with a hit to your bank account, well FUCK YOU.
And then a federal judge blocked another executive order, the one that tried to strip funding from cities that refused to turn their police forces into an immigrant round-up Gestapo. My sources tell me that the Attorney General, our President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg Beauregard, was so upset on hearing this news, he wouldn't even play with his favorite chew toy (probably a stuffed animal of some non-white cartoon character) and wandered out onto the White House lawn to howl mournfully at the moon.
And OH YEAH I ALMOST FORGOT the steady drip drip drip of the Russia scandal filled up another pail this morning, as it turns out our old chum Mike Flynn broke the law in hiding payments from Russians so bad that even lame dick Jason Chaffetz has a problem with it. At least now we know why Mikey was slinking around asking "I can haz immunity?" a few weeks back. Good luck with that, dirtbag.
There's more madness, of course, from the Shart promising a Mars landing to one of his state campaign officials being charged with sex trafficking a minor to Alex Jones being sued by a fucking yogurt company, but there's really only so much of this anyone can take without their brain melting through their ears and running screaming into the night. So forgive me if I missed anything.
LexVegas
(6,063 posts)Leghorn21
(13,524 posts)Jersey Devil
(9,874 posts)nt
BSdetect
(8,998 posts)beam me up scottie
(57,349 posts)Bonus points for this part:
A Brand New World
(1,119 posts)Keep up the good work! I look forward to more posts from you.
Leghorn21
(13,524 posts)Lifelong Protester
(8,421 posts)Hard to read text, but worth the struggle!
TheFerret
(630 posts)I'm cutting no pasting from elsewhere, is there something I can do to make it more readable here?
Lifelong Protester
(8,421 posts)just some spaces between hilarious paragraphs!
Awesome, you already did it!
jazzcat23
(176 posts)And look forward to your next writing, Ferret! It's great to get a few chuckles out of reading what a shit storm we are in.
tblue37
(65,357 posts)Response to TheFerret (Reply #9)
Bernardo de La Paz This message was self-deleted by its author.
Amaryllis
(9,524 posts)between paragraphs. It has spaces now but I am late to the party so don't know if you added those after people said it wasn't readable.
Shrike47
(6,913 posts)SunSeeker
(51,557 posts)Honorable mention:
Ostomy Bag With a Dead Tabby on Top
Tangerine Idi Amin
Dorito Mussolini
Donnie Darko
Il Douche
Idiot Manchild
irisblue
(32,975 posts)Ostomy bag did make me LOL
uponit7771
(90,339 posts)Marie Marie
(9,999 posts)Nailed it.
Binders Keepers
(369 posts)Way to skewer Wayne Danger, or whatever his name is....! Loved it! Worth the read.
Phoenix61
(17,006 posts)You are a true word smith. However, it would be so much funnier if it weren't all pathetically, tragically true.
Aristus
(66,369 posts)Socio-political commentary that Mark Twain would be proud of...
tavalon
(27,985 posts)Of you are truly new to DU, welcome, welcome, welcome and where the hell have you been. We've been here since the coronation of King Dubya in 2000.
So happy to welcome you. I love the names you chose. I have a couple more favs for you: Cheetolinni and Rinsed Penis. Oh, and spray tan baby man.
tblue37
(65,357 posts)tavalon
(27,985 posts)GliderGuider
(21,088 posts)Those of us who can read doff our caps to you!
PatrickforO
(14,574 posts)Very nice!
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flying rabbit
(4,634 posts)BlancheSplanchnik
(20,219 posts)I approve this message.
dalton99a
(81,488 posts)dchill
(38,493 posts)Bob Loblaw
(1,900 posts)I thought Gary Bauer was his own second cousin.
dchill
(38,493 posts)Hayduke Bomgarte
(1,965 posts)Lotusflower70
(3,077 posts)Wow just wow. It would be laughable if it wasn't so sadly true. But we need to laugh in these times. Rinse Pubis. Lol. Fuck that guy. And Captain Clueless driving the clown car aka the Asshat in chief. This truly is the absolute shittiest administration of my lifetime.
notdarkyet
(2,226 posts)tblue37
(65,357 posts)Heartstrings
(7,349 posts)90-percent
(6,829 posts)Samantha Bee came up with a good list of #45's nicknames.
A sample:
3. The Talking Yam
2. Mango Mussolini
1. Cinnamon Hitler
Angry Creamsicle
Human-toupee hybrid
Orange manatee
Like Godzilla with less foreign policy experience
Anybody got a tally of the heinous mean legislation these traitors already passed? This narcissistic sociopathic spoiled 7 year old little boy has already brought so much human mystery and damage to our former Democracy. Kleptocracy sux. How dare they!
Welcome to DU! Can you prove you're not a clever russian bot? Or a Trump white house whistle blower or something else we can't trust because there is no more truth anymore. All we got left is each other. The current state is unacceptable to all decent people of the world. The USA is driving the planet off a cliff and is fiddling with so much bedrock institutions who the hell know whats going to happen? Other than nobody could have predicted it and billionaires have already figured out how to profit from even more human misery of their own greedy creation.
-90% Jimmy
Egnever
(21,506 posts)womanofthehills
(8,709 posts)Lugnut
(9,791 posts)Alice11111
(5,730 posts)Who would have Thought 7 years ago, we would be enemies with Canada and Mexico, and led by a realityTV star, carnival barker?
It is agreed by 17 intelligence agencies that Russia interfered, and probably stole our election, and no one really gives a shit. The investigations are going nowhere.
Several of DTs saff were being paid by the Russians during his campaign, and he is economically compromised, but he and all of his supporters just give the rest of the US the finger and laugh...saying you will never get his tax returns.
We send an Armada towards N Korea, and a day later figure out it went the wrong direction. How stupid anyway. NK declares it almost has a bomb that can hit us. Almost. So, we send them an easy target.
The press secretary states even Hitler didn't use chemical weapons on his own people during the Holocaust.
The Prez sends his young beautiful daughter to a summit to sit by Christine Lagard and Angela Merkel to discuss world economics...when she has no experience in government or economics, is not an economist, and she has no title.
The First Lady doesn't speak fluent English, and evidently doesn't have a tutor, while the President bashes immigrants. His wife won't even live in the same town, and when she visits, they have separate quarters.
We are a joke, and our leader has the nuclear codes.
pbmus
(12,422 posts)Hugin
(33,144 posts)After just now waking from a now routine back-in-junior-high-taking-the-final-I-missed-for-the-class-I-forgot-to-attend-while-wearing-nothing-but-BVDS nightmare accompanied by an endless loop theme of Justin Timberlake's "Can't Stop The Feeling" and Night Sweats only to return to the waking nightmare that is living in the Kumquat Klepto's "Make America Grate (it's teeth, again and) Again" United States.
Somehow, these summaries you are producing are putting the nonsense in context for me. As, the nonsense it is.
Please, keep them coming, TF.
And, thanks again.
peacebuzzard
(5,172 posts)I needed these laughs! Thank you again!
Demsrule86
(68,576 posts)If we don't laugh we may all cry...Donald Trump the worst everything...worst father, worst husband, worst businessman, worst TV personality and worst President in anyone's lifetime. K&R.
LunaLiebestod
(6 posts)Imagine my joy at seeing another insightful skewering of 45 and his clowncar (thanks for that) by TheFerret. I keep checking for new blurbs by you, as it does my little heart good to have enough my undiluted hatred of the Beast echoed in such an artful way. Keep writing.
Response to TheFerret (Original post)
Pacifist Patriot This message was self-deleted by its author.
ProfessorPlum
(11,257 posts)Kimchijeon
(1,606 posts)malaise
(269,003 posts)Rec
niyad
(113,306 posts)H2O Man
(73,537 posts)Recommended. And thank you.
MFM008
(19,814 posts)that's putting it mildly.
Hey, I've been hanging out on right wing blogs for so long I forgot what it was like to read a post from an intelligent person!
ismnotwasm
(41,980 posts)This is so good I had to read it twice for fun
iamateacher
(1,089 posts)I read it twice also.
ProudProgressiveNow
(6,129 posts)Different Drummer
(7,615 posts)I'm going to have to remember that one!
Ligyron
(7,632 posts)Keep up the good work!!
tomp
(9,512 posts)eleny
(46,166 posts)Props for that very swell piece of wordsmithing.
And extra points for making me look up the word "shart"!
But seriously, I needed this before I read it and realized it afterwards. Thx.
They_Live
(3,233 posts)Sums up my thoughts about today as well. "Meandering Sleepwalker/Somehow the Actual Secretary of State Rex Tillerson" ...perfect.
bucolic_frolic
(43,163 posts)Let's all push, and send for reinforcements ... we're going to need every
man and woman at the barricades
denbot
(9,899 posts)Most excellent indeed.
sarge43
(28,941 posts)LuckyLib
(6,819 posts)Nitram
(22,801 posts)Get a grip. Take realistic steps towards solving the problem. Stop dramatizing the stupidity.
shanti
(21,675 posts)Keep 'em coming, Ferret!