Troubled Wisconsin Man Goes on 50 State Killing Spree

[Saviolo]

From Medium: Full Article

On Thursday afternoon, in Washington D.C., Paul Ryan, 45, entered his place of work in a murderous frenzy, killing thousands and injuring millions more, before he was finally stopped by the Senate.

Based on a manifesto he posted to the internet the evening before his assault, it is believed he was specifically targeting women, poor people, and people of color. A deeper dive into his public profile and social media shows a checkered past. He has expressed sexist, classist, and racist leanings for many years, although people close to Ryan say they did not expect him to act on them so effectively. Clearly a deeply troubled man, he has alternately blamed his actions on President Obama, President Trump, and God. Sources indicate he may be at least partially behind a conspiracy theory, widely circulated in certain circles, that the government has been secretly attempting to gain control of the wealth and guns of elderly Caucasian men, before castrating them.

Recently Ryan had aligned himself with a local gang known as ‘The Freedom Caucus’ notorious for their longstanding feuds with the groups American Women and Thugs. A family member, speaking anonymously, expressed there had been an ongoing concern among those close to Ryan about what he might do under the influence of this group.

Update: Not initially reported, Ryan is a Caucasian Christian, apparently radicalized as a child in Wisconsin through an organization called St. Mary’s Catholic School. Multiple sources have now confirmed that in addition to The Freedom Caucus, he also had connections to a radical Christian terrorist cell in D.C. comprised of lobbyists, CEOs, and other politicians, known as The Republicans. We understand a number of other members were taken into custody at the same time as Ryan, and a group mug shot has been released.

It's getting harder and harder for satire to keep pace with real life, but there are still a few articles out there that just nail it.

[dalton99a]

1. The adventures of Wisconsin Man continue

[onit2day]

19. Impossible to be a republican AND a Christian

Complete opposites

[FiveGoodMen]

25. Certainly impossible to be republican and a follower of Jesus' teachings!

Since the most terrible people in the US readily identify as Christians (and do so by the millions) there's some question over which group currently owns the rights to the name.

[Borchkins]

2. Nailed it!

[shenmue]

3. Yeah

[The Polack MSgt]

4. K&R nt

[annabanana]

5. Oh this is SO getting tweeted and faced! . . . n/t

[Ligyron]

6. K to the R!

[HelenWheels]

7. Ryan received SS funds while growing up

His father died making him eligible for SS checks which he accepted with open arms. Funny how vindictive he is with SS now.

[Scarsdale]

9. He does not need it now

He is bought and paid for by the Koch brothers, and other wealthy OWNERS.

[Nevernose]

28. "On welfare"

ftfy

[Pisces]

8. Wow, spot on!!

[LakeArenal]

10. This should come as no surprise....

His manefesto has been published for years.

[not fooled]

11. Hey, Janesville WI voters

YOU can stop this sociopath. Please stop re-electing him. The rest of America is counting on you.

[WIProgressive88]

34. Actually, we have. Janesville is traditionally a Democratic, union town, and Ryan generally does not

win here. Unfortunately, his district contains several other more conservative areas that more than make up for this. There has also been a lack of well-funded Democrats with name recognition to challenge him for the seat, which obviously does not help matters.

[Big_K]

36. Kenosha doesn't vote for him either

But yes, there are too many red necks, er, I mean areas, between us.

And the local Kenosha Democrats have never had the balls to try to get a serious candidate or even get behind a non-serious one.

I don't understand why the resistance hasn't talked about finding and funding a serious candidate to take him on in 2018. Hell, I thought we should have played up the anti-Ryan feelings of all the Trumpkins in the primary and get them to vote for that nutcase who was running against him in the primary.

[not fooled]

37. OK, I will stop picking on Janesville

First time I've heard about the politics there. Glad to hear Janesville isn't the source of the problem. My mother grew up there and then moved to CA. She's no longer with us so I couldn't ask her what the h*ll is going on in that district.

[WinkyDink]

12. Ryan's views are certainly not Catholic, a belief system which ranks Caritas---Charity---above all.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charity_(virtue)

[PA Democrat]

13. He is a proud member of a dangerous cult

The Ayn Rand Cult for the Empathetically and Morally Challenged

[Saviolo]

21. We gotta find a snappier and more demeaning acronym than ARCEMC.

Maybe the Cult of Ayn Rand Morally-challenged Assholes: CARMA (which will bite them in the ass when they don't get re-elected)

Or the Ayn Rand Yes-men of Anti-evidence Nihilism: ARYAN (a good name for a bunch of white nationalists and racists)

Or maybe Republican Assholes Taking From Underprivileged Citizens Klub: RATFUCK ('nuff said)

[Marie Marie]

23. Excellent! You win the post of the day.

[Dem_4_Life]

14. Love this! Spot on!

That is great they nailed it for sure.

[Nitram]

15. Perfect!

[niyad]

16. spot on!!!

[Alex4Martinez]

17. Group Mug Shot

Yeah, that's them.

[Saviolo]

18. He just can't suppress his glee

Ryan and Pence both, just can't conceal their disgusting smug satisfaction at getting a political win at the cost of millions of lives.

[FiveGoodMen]

26. I'm not even sure that it's the political win they're gloating over

They seem so twisted, I think it's the pain and suffering they're going to inflict that fills them with joy.

As I said elsewhere, Trump is Hitler, but Ryan is Satan, himself.

[milestogo]

20. I knew who you were talking about before I clicked on the thread.

[Saviolo]

22. It showed up in my email digest from Medium this morning

And had his picture next to it in the email, so it got an immediate laugh from me.

[calimary]

24. Nope. He SLEPT THROUGH Catholic school. If indeed he wasn't always ditching catechism class.

Otherwise, he'd be mindful about the Gospel of Matthew, Chapter 25, Verses 35-45. That's the one about "whatever you did to the least of My brethren, you did to Me." And the awareness, knowledge, and study of that chapter would strongly inform all of his activities and decisions as a legislator with power and authority over rich and poor.

[Augiedog]

27. Thank you for this. Most excellent filled with truth and awash in fair and balanced themes.

[dchill]

29. Somehow, the title of this thread told me it was about...

Paul Ryan. As is rarely true, it's hyperbolic AND factual at the same time.

[bucolic_frolic]

30. No laughing

Laughter is illegal, remember?

[Wawannabe]

31. All 50 states had me wondering...

So I clicked. And got a good laugh!
Sure enough he's a serial killer -since college!

[not fooled]

32. No joke, though

These fake Xtian creeps are inflicting more death and destruction than any foreign "terrorist".

Ryan et al. ARE terrorists. But, being sanctimonious phony Xtians hiding behind Ayn Rand Jesus gives them cover for their crimes.

[Paka]

33. K&R

[Mountain Mule]

35. Nice! K&R