my mother is dying

[kpete]

We never got along
She told me for years
"She loved me, but didn't like me"

This year, she has forgotten who we all are
She is angry
She slaps everyone
When she slapped me,
it felt about right.

Mother's Day has always been yin/yang for me
I wish I could have had a loving relationship with my mother...
Instead, I fill my heart with the love of my children & grandchildren

....................

kp

[femmocrat]

1. I'm so sorry, kpete.

I hope your children and grandchildren will make it a happy day for you.

[Zoonart]

2. I can relate.

Make peace in your heart. It is the only way.

[monmouth4]

3. You and I share many similarities..n/t

[PsychoBabble]

4. Big hug.

Mine is gone. But I understand your struggle. Relationship w parents one of the toughest to resolve because the wounds so deep, so early - hardwired.

Whatever peace there is comes from your own choices, independent of her.

Stay strong, stay true to yourself.

[MoonRiver]

5. I'm so sorry for your loss, and conflicts.

No child should have to hear those words. She must have had a troubled childhood to do this to you.

[lunatica]

6. Same here

My mother was very cruel with words. Sarcasm was her default reaction. And she took guilt tripping to rarified heights.

She was highly intelligent, a UC Berkeley graduate and a wordsmith so her words were very powerful.

I remember when I was as young as 7 or 8 years old vowing I would never be like that.

[volstork]

7. Sending good thoughts to you

on what is likely a difficult day.

[dawg]

8. I never know what to say about things like that.

I just wish so hard for your comfort and healing.

[Lars39]

9. I'm so sorry, kpete.

So glad you have the "sweet" for such a bittersweet day.

[athena]

10. Not all mothers are good.

Those who think all mothers are good think that women are animals, not people. In reality, some mothers are just evil -- just as some fathers are evil. Some mothers don't love their children. Some mothers resent that they had children. Some mothers love their children but have issues they haven't resolved, and they dump those issues onto their children, either on purpose or unwittingly. It sounds like your mother is in that last category.

If your mother didn't give you enough love, it's not your fault, it's hers. Please don't blame yourself for it.

I don't have a loving relationship -- or any relationship, in fact -- with my mother, so I understand the pain. But it's not your fault. Let it go. Focus on yourself and your loved ones. Don't let anyone take that away from you.

[2naSalit]

11. There was a time when...

my mother treated me like that, during my teens. We had been separated for several years and she was afraid of what horrid things I may have learned while she was trying to pick up where she left off... and I had three younger siblings she was trying to figure out as well. I know she had more "motherly-kind of affection" when I was very young, before the younger three arrived. And now, as she reaches 90 (!), we have a good relationship, even after many bumpy places along the way and I am very thankful for that. About twenty years ago, she seemed to forget why she didn't like me.

Had a really bad relationship with my dad, more like what you have with your mom, only exponentially worse. But my point here is that he's been gone for along time now, and nobody mentions him nor does anyone miss him. We have made what we can of our lives of which he made a living hell while we lived with him. I cried when I saw him for the last time... on the train home. All I can say is, once the initial passing has occurred, make peace as well as you can and go forward by letting go of whatever it is/was that brought you pain in that relationship. We all have our reasons for whom and what we are to others but we can't always "get" what that other being is dealing with internally, articulation is not everyone's strong suit.

Please enjoy your Mother's Day for yourself and the other moms in your world and be strong together. When your mom crosses over, let it bring you relief from the tension of that relationship and know that you can draw peace and strength by setting down that suitcase and walking away from it to heal your wounds free of that particular burden.

[democrank]

12. Here's a hug, kpete.

I truly, way-down-deep understand.

You're right...fill your heart with love for your children and grandchildren. One good takeaway from a troubled childhood is that we can learn what not to do to our own children.

[mnhtnbb]

13. You are not alone kpete

in having had a less than loving relationship with your mother.

My mother has been dead for almost 17 years now and I do not miss her. Most of the time I don't even think about
her. Strangely enough, like lunatica's mom (post #6) she was also a UC Berkeley grad (1929) and a smart woman, but she
lacked kindness and empathy. Nothing I did was ever good enough, and when I achieved something I'd worked for
(but she didn't approve of as a goal) she would tell me that if I only spent as much time studying as I did "xxxx", I might make something of myself.
I hold a BS and MPH from UCLA (she never got a master's) and I ended up making more money in a year than she probably
made in her entire career as a French/Spanish teacher. So--according to her standards--I ended up doing ok for myself. Did I ever hear that from her?
Not a chance. So fuck you, mom. This is the woman who, when I came home from school and told her JFK had been assassinated said, "it's about time!" and 20 years later had a photo of Ronald Reagan hung on her kitchen wall. In high school, we were arguing about the Vietnam war one night at dinner and she threw the glass of milk she was drinking in my face for arguing with her. When I was in my 20's, she tried to dump a bowl of salad on my head one time when I was visiting with my first husband (whom she adored and publicly told everyone what a mistake I was making when I divorced him) over some minor thing that I disagreed with her about while we were fixing dinner.

Well, she's dead now and has been feeding the fish for a very long time. I did my best--as a mother--to not repeat her behavior with
my boys when they were growing up.

It's all you can do--change yourself and live your life. I hope you have an enjoyable day with your children and grandchildren, or if they aren't near, you at least
hear from them.

Hugs to you.

[calimary]

14. You, too?

My mother's long gone now. More than 10 years. And there's still a sting she left behind. I guess it just takes awhile to get over.

Hugs my friend. MANY hugs.

[kpete]

80. lots of hugs

[Squinch]

15. .

I also had a very angry, difficult mother who was often verbally and sometimes physically abusive. But in the years since her death, I have come to realize that I am a happy person today because I knew her. I watched her inability to feel gratitude for the beautiful things in her life, and I knew that was where her unhappiness came from. I trained myself to appreciate all the good that comes my way. There is so much of it, and my life is full and joyful.

So thanks, Mom!

It sounds like you, too, have built a good life for yourself despite your mother. Congratulations!

[CrispyQ]

16. I'm so sorry to hear this.

"I love you but I don't like you." My mother used to tell me that, too. We had a conflicted relationship most of my adult life.

Enjoy your children & grandchildren!

[kpete]

19. I never understand how

"I love you but I don't like you."
was ok to say to a child

I love my kids and grandkids unconditionally,
it is the EASIEST and ONLY reaction I have ever had to motherhood

I feel way more sorry for my mother than I do for myself.

peace,
gamma kpete

[karynnj]

47. I remember seeing it in a 1980s vintage child care book

As an older mother in my mid 30s, I thought it unbelievably self centered for the mother, confusing to the small child, who likely does not have a huge distinction between the words, and something likely to echo in the child's memory. It seemed to be suggested because to help the mother deal with being angry with the child. It preserved the words of unconditional love while obliterating the meaning. At its simplest, it should mean that love (and liking) remain, even when that person does things you dislike.

[Susan Calvin]

61. It is not OK. A child will not see the difference.

[bettyellen]

79. Aww hugs. You're so damned lovable kpete. Makes no sense.

Your moms loss, obviously.

[LaydeeBug]

17. It sucks when the feelings are complicated like that. Godspeed and good vibes. nt

[liberalnarb]

18. I'm so sorry, kpete.

Wishing you the best.

[onethatcares]

20. you must be

my brother.

Our mothers were of the same cloth.

[FailureToCommunicate]

29. ...

[McCamy Taylor]

21. The problem with Hallmark card days is life isn't a Hallmark card.

This may be why so many people prefer Halloween to all the other holidays. Since it is Halloween 365 days a year in my house...

Happy Halloween!

[kpete]

23. you win

my heart today:

Halloween 365 days a year in my house...

The haunted house has been boarded up for many years now
thanks to years of therapy, mr pete, family and friends.

wishing us all
peace of mind,
kp

[MontanaMama]

41. Thanks for acknowledging that Mothers Day

Isn't a simple day of hearts, flowers and fond memories for many of us kpete. I appreciate your truth telling about your experience and opening the door for those who experienced less than ideal relationships with our mothers. This is a bittersweet day for me too. My mom suffered from mental illness, depression and most likely borderline personality disorder, according to my skilled therapist. She dwelled in darkness while I watched scared and sad. She's been gone for years and while I miss the idea of having a mother, I don't miss the reality of her. Coincidentally, my favorite holiday is Hallowwen too!!! My mom hated it which is probably why I gravitated to it.

I'm happy that you've found some peace in the love of the family you created. Being a mother has been the single most gratifying endeavor of my life. My heart sings whenever I hear my son call me Mama.


🎃

[kpete]

55. Beautiful

and
thank you,
kpete

[sueh]

22. (((hugs))), kpete.

[greatauntoftriplets]

24. So sorry that your relationship with her wasn't/isn't easy.

Surround yourself with those children and grandchildren. They are the future.

[deek]

25. Peace to you

Your heart is full.

[milestogo]

26. I'm sorry...

((((( kpete )))))

[FailureToCommunicate]

27. It's not at all the same, but there is a lot of love here for you...

Perhaps you could gather some solace from that.

[tavernier]

28. But she had a remarkable kid,

so Happy Mother's Day to her and you.

[Hekate]

30. So much in common...

Be well this day with those who love you just the way you are.

[Rorey]

31. kpete, I want to give you a hug

I think that this will be something that is always a struggle for you, even after your mother is gone.

My mother was not a very demonstrative person when it came to showing love toward her children. Still, I was shocked when my dad told me, after she died, that she said that she wished she had never had children. I wish she had said it to me so I could ask her why she said it. What did she really mean?

She actually died on Mother's Day. I had purchased a flower arrangement the day before and was going to give it to her on Mother's Day morning, but for some reason I decided to take it to her early. She sat up on her bed and thanked me profusely, telling me I always brought her the most beautiful flowers. That night she collapsed. She died shortly after midnight, so it was on Mother's Day, technically.

I still struggle with my unusual relationship with my mother. I know she loved us, but what was the reason she would wish she never had children? I think it may have been because she felt like she was not a perfect mother, or even a good mother. I wish I could have told her that, no, she wasn't a perfect mother. Neither am I. None of us are. But she was a good mother. I wish I had told her that.

What you learned from your mother was how to treat your own children and grandchildren, which was not the way you were treated. So there's something to be said for that.

[kpete]

36. Your last sentence

is right-on

thanks,
kp

[jeffreyi]

32. Hugs.

Thank goodness, we had a chance to patch things up before the end, mostly. It's hard to see and get perspective on the giant amoeba when you've been engulfed in its digestive system your whole life.

[Stuart G]

33. I'm sorry..

[SammyWinstonJack]

34. ...

[barbtries]

35. that's heartbreaking.

i am happy for you and your family that you did not let her contaminate your capacity for love. happy mothers day!

[Yogi]

37. I wish you peace.

[H2O Man]

38. Recommended.

It is a strange and uncomfortable day for some of us. My mother has been telling people that I died for decades now. I heard she had fallen and is in a nursing home now, not doing well. Only two of my four siblings talk with her. My children, and most of their cousins, don't know her.

[kpete]

44. H20 Man

I am your sister

"Strange & Uncomfortable Day"

indeed,

kp

[H2O Man]

51. Thank you.

[karynnj]

39. Very sad, but consider YOU broke the cycle and have good relationships with kids and grandkids

That is totally to your credit as is your comment that after all the heartaches, you still wish you could have a loving relationship.

[yardwork]

40. I'm so sorry. I wish you peace and light.

[Justice]

42. I am very sorry.

Losing your mother is hard enough. It is something you never really get over.

But in my life, I have observed that losing any loved one, particularly a parent, is so much more difficult when the relationship has been difficult. There is grief, but there is also knowing you are beyond the ability to repair.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Know that it is truly special to have been able to see beyond that relationship to want and build something different for yourself and your children/grandchildren. Hold onto that in these days ahead - that ability to step beyond what you had is not so easy. To know and appreciate you have built something different and beautiful is truly remarkable.

[randr]

43. My father in law is in the same condition

We don't think he will last the day. Similar to your story, my wife and her sibs had a very rocky relationship with their Dad. He wasn't mean, just disconnected. He started with the dementia thing a year ago. Had constant attention from one daughter and every one else made several long trips back east to spend as much time and try to heal as much as they could. They all worked through what they could and now it is just he who is left without closure and his mental condition won't allow him to.
Sad day on the planet, be well kpete

[Solly Mack]

45. ...

[radhika]

46. I feel for you...this is such a trying time for families...

Best love and support...

[gademocrat7]

48. Take care, kpete

So sorry.

[AwakeAtLast]

49. I am so sorry

My husband had a similar relationship with his mother. I will never know how he truly feels, or you for that matter. I am glad you have others who you can shower with the love you needed.

[ProudMNDemocrat]

50. so sorry for you..........

Of your Mother's present situation and the history you share.

Rejoice in your chi,dren and grandchildren. Be the example of someone who loves others more than themselves. Rejoice in that.

[Vinca]

52. Life is complicated and sometimes hard.

Sorry you have to go through this.

[Siwsan]

53. I had a similar relationship with my mother, but in the end, I was the only one she recognized

She was an devout Roman Catholic and extreme political conservative. She put the church ahead of everything, including her children. I was the stupid, ugly Liberal in the family. After a while, I just had to let it go and struggle to keep all conversations very light.

And that was before the dementia began.

For a while, after the onset, she was so paranoid, angry, and always lashing out. But towards the end of her conscious life, she became very docile and almost childlike. One of the last cognizant things she said was to apologize for making our lives so difficult.

For the last six months, or so, she had no idea who her grandchildren were. She confused my brother with our dad and our deceased brother. But - she always recognized me and knew exactly who I was.

We were never able to tell her that my sister had died. Mom passed 3 weeks later.

I miss her, but if there is an afterlife, I am hopeful she has finally found peace.

[area51]

54. I'm so sorry.

I lost my mother on June 1st last year and your relationship with your mom sounds like mine was.

[murielm99]

56. I am sorry, pete.

I am sorry for all the people who replied in this thread, who have difficult or abusive mothers. My mother is one of those, too. She is physically and emotionally abusive. She is a pathological liar. She is downright evil, and I have nothing to do with her. A great weight came off my shoulders when I decided to put her out of my life.

I made my own family. I have a great husband and three wonderful adult children. I get along well with my brothers. They are the only ones who understand the hell that was our family when we were growing up.

[kpete]

58. the best thing that happened to my family

is that my brothers (2 remaining) and I have gotten closer in adulthood

-this was never possible when my mom was in control

she used competition to keep us apart

we ALL see how she manipulated us into disliking each other and ourselves

It seems her game doesn't work on us anymore

that has been very healing.


peace,
kp

[malaise]

57. Love matters but it hurts always to be losing moms

Hug those children and grandchildren.
Happy Mother's Day kpete

[Still Blue in PDX]

59. I'm hard pressed to know what's harder, losing a good parent or a lousy parent.

Relationships are so bloody complicated.

[mnhtnbb]

68. Many of us held out hope for a very long time that the relationship with a lousy parent

might change. I tried for years to please my mother--well into my 20's--until I finally figured out
that she was never going to change and that I had to accept that. It was only when I no longer
expected "love" from her that I was free to really love, myself.

[Susan Calvin]

60. I am so sorry.

Not much makes me cry, but I cry for you. Best hopes and wishes for you and your family.

[diva77]

62. So very sorry...

Considering that your mom is dying, it might help you to find a way to forgive her (my apologies if you have already addressed this possibility) -- it might bring relief to you and help you to release some of the pain that you have been bearing...I am only recommending this because forgiveness has helped me tremendously in similarly painful and unjust situations and it doesn't even have to involve acknowledgement by the person being forgiven...

here is a link to an article about forgiveness -I'm sure there are better articles out there--

http://www.aplaceformom.com/blog/6-10-16-caregiving-when-a-parent-has-wronged-you/

[kpete]

74. I am 65

I have been working on it off and on my whole life

I read your article,
I will read it again...

I have imagined forgiving her, BUT...
If I had been the only person she had hurt---I could have forgiven her years ago.

thanks again for your kind words,
kpete

[diva77]

86. I truly understand your reluctance considering that you weren't the only one she hurt - very noble

For my own situation, I was able to forgive without excusing the wrong that had been done -- many families of murder victims do this (I'm sure you're aware of this sort of thing)-- it is a relief to let go of the pain; then you can channel that energy into something more fulfilling

It is possible to forgive posthumously too; but it might be more poignant if you decide to do so while your mother is still alive (whether or not she is aware)...

[Honeycombe8]

63. I'm so sorry, for everything about your mom. I can relate, as well.

Mine passed away some years ago. We loved each other, deep down, but she was a terrible mother to me. I can say that, now, since I'm older and can look back and see it.

After all that, I do still miss her. Your mother and you share a history, and she is your mother. Deep down, there's that bond.

[perdita9]

64. Thank you for posting

I've always had a problem with Mother's Day. My relationship with my mother was not positive and I hate the pressure society puts on this day to honor someone who was....let's use the word 'difficult'.

[TheBlackAdder]

65. I'm sorry, kpete. Just remember, no matter how nice a family looks, every one has their problems.

.


This is a lesson learned through life, and highlighted by a friendly acquaintance.

We went to one of the wealthiest homes in the region, for a political meeting.
Their children were introduced, more like presented to us, and they were really nice.


When I mentioned how nice they were, this mutual acquaintance said what I wrote above.
They did not go into further detail, as to what they meant, but it really rung true. All of those years wondering about other families, and wondering if dysfunctions in my family and extended family were unique, it all came as a moment of clarity--reflecting back on others with whom I admired. Then, it popped, that they too, were all dysfunctional in their own right. Some more than others.

Humans are an adaptive sort, and we manage to find comfort and escape from pain wherever we can.

It is nice to see that you place a proper perspective on things and adapt accordingly.


.

[babylonsister]

66. Happy Mom's Day to you, kpete.

Sounds like your mom has always been angry, and her decline is indicative of that. I'm so sorry, but am glad you have such a loving support system/family.

[joeybee12]

67. So sorry to hear this

Thoughts are with you

[lark]

69. I'm sorry KPETE.

That took a lot of courage to say.

I have the exact opposite problem, my mom was an angel and my best friend and the only other person in the world besides me who truly loved and accepted my psychotic son. I live with the grief of his illness, which he will not treat, every day. I am lucky to have had my wonderful mom and my daughter is a blessing, but the sadness and grief of my life is so obvious on this mother's day when my son in nowhere near and no ones knows where he is. So, anyway, although it's a different very important relative, I can sympathize with the misery of having a crazy mean loved one. Peace!

[riderinthestorm]

70. (((((Kpete))))

I hope you can find a smooth path through these sad times.

Thinking of you.

[TygrBright]

71. I'm sorry... it sounds like it hurts a lot.

Sometimes all a parent can do for their children is be a learning experience.

Their own pain keeps them imprisoned behind the walls that separate them from their children.

She told you "she loved me, but didn't like me" may have been honest, but it doesn't feel loving.

However many hours or days you have left, you can still have a loving relationship with her, even if it's only one-way.

Forgiveness doesn't have to be a two-way street.

With so many painful memories, you still have a little time to make some different ones. They may hurt like hell in the short term, but ultimately, memories of trying to love, trying to accept even a nasty, rageful, pain-filled mother for what she is, and what she might have wished she could be, will be a source of strength.

The things you've learned about how not to do it can help you now, too.

You and your Mom will be in my heart.

lovingly,
Bright

[ancianita]

72. The best we can do on our mothers' behalf is to be better than they were at their best.

Last edited Sun May 14, 2017, 11:12 PM - Edit history (1)

One love, kpete.

[anniebelle]

73. So very sorry kpete.

I can relate ~ I didn't really have a relationship with my mother until one year before she died at the age of 82. I took care of her for that year when she could not care for herself ~ I know she had terrible problems with showing love and really tried to not let that turn me into an unforgiving daughter, but her lack of love for me influenced my entire life and not in a good way at all. I am now 72 and she's been gone for 16 years, so I can look at her life now and understand more. My father was killed in WWII when he was only 28 and she was 27. She had my 2 1/2 yr. old brother and I was 4 months old when he was killed in Germany ~ she never remarried and carried her grief like an anchor. Mother's Day has always torn my heart to shreds.

[kpete]

75. Take care of yourself today and everyday

anniebelle,

I posted this thread because I needed to put these Mother's Day thoughts somewhere...

I almost deleted the thread, because I thought I was being self-indulgent

Reading your reply reaffirms my belief that sharing stories is an invaluable way towards understanding.


Thank you for telling us about your mother.
So many on this thread have a tough time on this day.
We are NOT alone.

love,
kpete

[eleny]

76. {{{kpete}}}

every day, in every way you're wonderful to me.

[Skittles]

77. so very sorry, kpete

I know the feeling

every Mother's day was a bit of a challenge - I would send my mum a card, but I had to read so many to find one that didn't gush about how wonderful a mother she was.....they'd say stuff like "you were always there for me" but my mum was most most certainly not

my sympathy is with you

[applegrove]

78. Love heals.

[countryjake]

81. A kindred spirit, here. Peace to you.

Oh, the stories I could tell. My ancient mother was an old countryjake, thru and thru, (she used to call herself that whenever we went into my tiny hometown, as she'd scorn every "cityslicker" she spied) and for me to say that we "never got along" would be a huge understatement. One of her favorite remarks, which she exclaimed to her dying day, was "I've still got my arms!"...a little itty-bitty woman who had a strength of the lifelong's work of a country woman. And she never hesitated to use it, on me.

I was her caregiver as she valiantly tried to fight off death, not long ago. My only child, my own daughter, couldn't understand how I could summon up the compassion to tend to the needs of a person who had never thought twice about using her fists on my face and body. My answer was simple, tho something I had thought on quite a lot during my eight months spent back home with a woman who never wanted me. I told my girl, "You wouldn't exist if it weren't for her."

My daughter wouldn't even come to her funeral.


A Happy Mother's Day to you, kpete! And a big ole cyberhug, from one sister to another.

[rock]

82. I am so sorry for your loss, kpete

Peace.

[peacebuzzard]

83. So sorry, kpete......

I had a similar experience, but with my father. It is tragic, and much to deal with..

[kerry-is-my-prez]

84. Sort of have the same situation. I basically hated my mother for most of my life. I decided that for

my own mental health and peace of mind I had to "let it go," and be a bigger person. I don't know if it was so much that I "forgave" her really. Most importantly, it was a huge positive step for ME. I realize that my mother had "problems." She now has dementia and my brother and I are her caregivers. I try to do the "right thing." She is really a different person now. I'm glad I had the chance to correct things while she was still alive. You cannot unwind the clock once someone is dead. Do what you need to do for yourself in order to live the rest of your life in peace and with a clear conscience.

I'm sorry for your situation, by the way. No matter what the circumstances, it is painful to lose your mother. In my own situation, honestly, I believe it will be a relief for both her and for my brother and I once she is gone. No-one can live a good quality of life with dementia.

I wish you peace.....

[ClusterFreak]

85. I am so very sorry.

For everything you've endured, and for what lies ahead. Thank you for sharing your story, and thank you for your invaluable daily contributions to DU.

[CaptainTruth]

87. I'm so sorry...

Stay strong & take care of yourself.

[smirkymonkey]

88. I'm so sorry kpete.

I know the feeling completely. Wishing you peace and solace on this Mother's day.

[3catwoman3]

89. What a poignant thread, and I agree...

...with those who have commended you on your bravery for sharing something so painful and intimate.

I hope you will not feel guilty if you feel some sense of relief when your mom passes on to whatever the next realm may be.

[Ken Burch]

90. You are handling this well.

So sorry you had to live with that from her.

[lovemydogs]

91. My mother died 2 years ago

Its really hard to deal with. It also sounds like she has Alzhiemers.
Don't regret what could have been or what you wished it could be like.
Instead make a video filled with the music she loved and pictures of good times. Remember the happy things.

[Maraya1969]

92. I'm sorry you had to go through this kp. It looks like you are sending a lot of love and harmony

down the line though.

[raven mad]

93. My heart hurts for you, kpete.

Had about the same relationship with mine. I still miss her caustic wit. And remember the good times.

[mahina]

94. Sorry buddy.

I like you!

[sheshe2]

95. My heart goes out to you kpete.

[Paka]

96. I know the feeling well.

The day my mother died (at 97) I felt that a burden had been lifted out of my life.

[Shoonra]

97. I am very sorry for everything

I am very sorry that your childhood was marred by a bad relationship with your mother.
I am very sorry that she is now sick and abusive.
I am very sorry that you will soon lose her.

Every child should have a loving mother and it is great loss whenever a child has an unloving parent.
There are a million and one pains that I regret but cannot cure for you.
I hope that life works out for you.

[AgadorSparticus]

98. So sorry for your loss and trauma. I hope you find peace.

[Silver Gaia]

99. Message deleted by DU the Administrators

[lostnfound]

100. She didn't like you, but she loved you

And she still does, in the best parts of her imprisoned heart.
I can't imagine why she wouldn't like you, you seem pretty likable to me, through your writing.

Somewhere in the deep parts of your brain I hope that there are some "preconscious memories" of kindness to you that she showed when you were a toddler, before she got angry or judgmental or irritated with your more independent self. That they give you peace.

I have this suggestion yesterday to a couple of young men I know who have a difficult relationship with their mother. "Be kind and patient to yourselves, inside your own quiet hearts."

But I'm very sorry for this hard path you are on.

[spanone]

101. ...

[myrna minx]

102. .

[DownriverDem]

103. Now Matters

Your last line said it all. I have no children and grandchildren. They are your life and future.

[Highway61]

104. I can relate

I always loved my mother to pieces and I believed she loved me as well. I was very sick and hospitalized at age 11 -13 years. We lived on a large dairy farm and the closest hospital to treat me was in Philadelphia...3 plus hours away. My mom had to stay and room with a family who, back then, many families rented rooms for parents of sick children from "away" . Years later, I always felt she had a bit of resentment for her having to give up time away the farm and my Dad. I would always dismiss those thoughts thinking I was crazy or ungrateful.
She wasn't a warm and fuzzy person yet we always seemed to have a good time together and shared a lot of laughs.

Then when my own daughter passed away suddenly at age 19. I was in shock. It was later on my husband told me that my Mom was "disconnected" during that horrible time. I rationalized it as her being shocked as well.

When my Mom passed several years ago now, imagine my disbelief when the will was read that she put a clause at the end...that she leaves nothing to me because of "how she feels about me". She left it all to my younger republican brother who hates everybody equally, has never been there for her and has never worked a day in his life. (My Dad was a Kennedy Democrat.)

Life does not make sense at times. I have just retired and focus my love on my other daughter, my beautiful grandchildren (twins, age 6) and wonderful husband. I love them all to pieces. Their love is genuine as is mine. I wish it would have been different with my mom. It wasn't.

Focus on the memories. If you did deep there are some good ones. It's ALWAYS the laughter we remember. One thing I have learned and you have as well....In the end, it really is all about the love. Your heart is filled with love for those who truly love you as well. Peace, my friend.

[kpete]

105. Thank you Highway 61

Your reply, shows how complicated these relationships can be...

You are right....In the end, it really is all about the love.

I have plenty of that

Gratitude for what I have, seems to be the best path forward for me

peace to you and yours,
kp