Paul Ryan Sets Google News Alert for the Moment When Trump Becomes Unpopular Enough to Betray

[Amaryllis]

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—House Speaker Paul Ryan has set a Google News alert to notify him of the instant that Donald Trump becomes unpopular enough to turn against, Ryan revealed on Thursday.

The news alert, which Ryan said was set to the phrase “Trump approval rating falls below fifty per cent among Republican voters,” will inform the House Speaker of the precise moment “that I can bail on President Trump at no political cost to me,” Ryan explained.

“There’s this sense out there in the media that Washington is consumed by drama and nothing is getting done,” Ryan told reporters. “I think it’s important for people to know that important things are, in fact, getting done, and setting this Google News alert is one of those things.”

Asked by a reporter when he anticipated turning on Trump, Ryan dismissed that as a hypothetical question, adding, “There is no timetable for my inevitable betrayal of him. Once I receive that Google News alert, it will most likely happen a split second after that.”

Ryan ended his press conference by reassuring the American people that he is hard at work for them. “I am checking my phone every ten—and sometimes every five—minutes,” he said.

Andy Borowitz is the New York Times best-selling author of “The 50 Funniest American Writers,” and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes the Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news, for newyorker.com.
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[NastyRiffraff]

1. Yet another time I thought this may be true

Satire is becoming impossible to spot.

[Amaryllis]

4. Right after I posted this Borowitz report, I clicked on this thread here:

https://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=view_post&forum=1002&pid=9084411

about how T wants Flynn back in the WH, and once again had to ask myself if this was satire...because honestly, it is very hard to tell the difference between what comes out of the WH and what Borowitz and the late night comics do. The source was the Daily Beast, so i knew it wasn't satire, but it is very weird to have to check the source to determine if it's satire or not. Unpresidented, i believe is the word?

I know this is not the first time anyone has made this observation, but it seems to me it has been getting steadily more the case as the wheels keep spinning looser.

[Hortensis]

2. Lol. There is no timetable for my inevitable betrayal of him.

Once I receive that Google News alert, it will most likely happen a split second after that.”

Well, somewhat longer. He'll have to finalize plans with the Kochs, Spencers, and others who're trying so desperately to get their ring back in the noses of the Republican voters these days.

[First Speaker]

3. Congressional Dems ought to start a lottery as to which day Ryan stabs Trump in the back...

...and do it publicly. With great fanfare. Every Congressional Dem gets their day. The winner becomes the next Speaker of the House...