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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsOn the day's madness, and Mr. Pence's pornography preferences.
Jesus fucking Christ, the news! Gaze not into the news lest it gaze back at ye!
And Thursday was so quiet. After being stuffed in a bag and thrown into the dryer with Wednesday's news, it was almost quaint to learn a few more details about the Comey memos. "Oh, he tried to hide in the curtains, that's cute, and apparently extra amusing because he is unusually tall. I've only ever seen him sitting down, so I did not know that. Fun!"
There was also a little report that Drumpf fantasized about the day when Mike Flynn's name would be cleared, and he could return to the White House with his head held high, and they can join hands, without shame, and sell Puerto Rico to Turkey for some shiny, shiny, beads. These are...not intelligent men.
Oh, hey, and Roger Ailes died! There was a lot of scolding on the right about the tone some folks were taking in their remembrances. Me, I'm above all that. Just tell me where you're burying him so I can plan a trip to shit on his grave.
So anyway, we rolled out of bed to push notifications about Julian Assange and Anthony Weiner and thought, "Hey, it's the two perverts that cost our Hilldawg the election isn't that a wacky coincidence I guess I'll cry for hours now, oh well at least Orange Julius Caesar didn't start a war while I was asleep."
There was a thing where the Carcinogenic Creamsicle's lawyers tried to sneak that financial disclosure letter past the feds without a signature for some reason, probably not because it becomes much more legally problematic signed, especially when it turns out 100% horseshit With Few Exceptions.
And anyway, La Grande Sharte was leaving the country today! We all fantasized about him maybe not being able to figure out how to unlock the door in one of those crazy foreign bathrooms and everybody would just come home without him, but of course that would be too easy.
Details of the trip emerged, how Donnie whined about having to do his dumb job and visit all these dumb places that don't even have golf courses he owns, how Israel wouldn't let him land his helicopter on their dumb ol' ancient monument, about how world leaders are instructing their chefs to prepare Spaghetti-O's in case the Leader of the Free World finds their local cuisine Icky and flings his plate at some Saudi Prince or Mossad agent or some shit. And we all got the embarrassment shivers upon learning that foreign leaders are telling each other to basically speak like a child to our President, keeping statements brief and telling him how much bigger his hands are than stinky Barack Obama's and golly, that Electoral College...we're all very impressed with you, Donnie. Anyway sell us some guns.
(Speaking of which, didja hear that Jared Kushner negotiated a better deal for the Saudis with American firm Lockheed Martin? AMERICA FIRST!)
But then the very moment Air Force One cleared the tarmac your device of choice stood up and screamed "I HAVE FRESH MADNESS FOR YOU, MASTER!" as the latest skirmish in the Who-Can-Whale-Harder-on-Trump's-Scrotum war between NYT and WaPo hit the streets, with a truce called so each paper could focus on a single ball, as they dropped their stories at the same time.
The Gray Lady's entry was a transcript of the already-embarrassing/treasonous Shart House meeting between the President and some spies, in which the Assclown-in-Chief literally bragged to the Russians about firing Comey, and how that would take the "pressure" off the whole Russia thing, proving once and for all that a fortune teller he ain't. Worn to a nub by the impossibility and immorality of his job, Sean Spicer couldn't even be bothered to deny this, though some genius tried to spin it as a "negotiating tactic," which is sure to convince any jury, provided the jury is made up of Eric Trump and his He-Man toys.
Seriously, between this and the Lester Holt interview, it's like he's actively trying to prove obstruction of justice. Maybe Tim Russert's consciousness got stuck in his head, Being John Malkovich style, and he's trying to save us all?
Meanwhile the Post told us that the criminal investigation into Team Shart's Russia ties has reached into the President's inner circle, as an actively serving high-level advisor is now a "person of interest." Some sources are reporting this "person" is Jared Kushner, but I'm confident that in about ten minutes Hercule Poirot shows up to tell us it was all of them.
Oh, and they're also investigating not only the crime, but whether there's been a cover-up. Anonymous sources tell me Jeff Sessions has sweated through 7 shirts, 3 suits and 2 chairs since the start of his work day.
In the background, Mike Pence is working reeeeeeeeeeally hard to build the narrative that all this shit went down while he was in the other room ironing his hair shirt. Oh, and he's firing up his own PAC which is super weird for a VICE president, not that he's looking with lust in his heart towards to ever-nearing impeachment of his boss, and it's also a coincidence that his browser history is dotted with stuff like "Oval Office curtains," and "How to get the smell of overdone steak farts out of carpet" alongside the soul-shatteringly horrifying pornography that you absolutely know he consumes all goddamn day long. Like, a dude fucking a sheep wearing a mask that looks like the dude's mom and then killing the sheep and rolling around in the blood screaming 'mommy' and then eating lamb chops because there is no way that Mike Pence isn't a deeply filthy human just below the surface.
And of course the polls continue their inevitable plummet to absolute zero, because Americans don't seem down with a pussy-grabbing nitwit who invites Russian spies into the White House and tells them to help themselves to the classified information buffet. HUH.
Aiming to get those numbers up, reports are that the Living Garbage Pail Kid wants to cut off key Obamacare reimbursements to insurers, a move that would blow up the insurance market, because nothing inspires love more than a guy taking away your access to health care. (ROMANCE TIP: Hey fellas, instead of flowers, try impressing your gal pal with a retrovirus!) Seriously, he thinks people will blame Obama for taking away their coverage, which makes sense when you realize he also thought he'd get bipartisan approval for firing Comey.
Throughout all this, the conservative media continues scrambling to keep their rubes hopped up on a mix of misinformation, white resentment, and NyQuil, alternating between frothy rants about the "deep state" and John Podesta killing Seth Rich in a demonic sex ritual and HEY LOOK A SQUIRREL! Seriously, Fox News is ten minutes away from planting kittens in trees so that it cover the rescue ANYTHING BUT RUSSIA SWEET JESUS ANYTHING SO WE CAN PRETEND NONE OF THIS SHIT IS REALLY HAPPENING.
Oh, and as I was writing this, CNN broke the story about the White House Counsel's office has begun researching impeachment. I'd provide commentary, but I laughed so hard I have dislocated my rib cage.
Anyway, I'm posting this early, cuz I'm going out tonight. I can't imagine I'll miss anything. Not like our Racist Dickbag President is gonna give a speech on Islam written by slighter-smarter-but-also-Racister Dickbag Stephen Miller in Saudi Arabia later or anything.
...wait, what's that? James Comey just agreed to testify publicly before the Senate? Heh. Hah hah hah. AHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAH!!!!! (Ow my ribcage.)
Leghorn21
(13,520 posts)tblue37
(64,980 posts)Caliman73
(11,694 posts)That is all
HipChick
(25,485 posts)underpants
(182,279 posts)I love this. Your rants are sooooo well done.
luvMIdog
(2,533 posts)lindysalsagal
(20,440 posts)World finds their local cuisine Icky"
Would be hysterically funny if our representative democracy hadn't just become the biggest arms dealer to the worst thugs in the world.
I wonder what fRump's cut will be? One thing is for certain, he just got richer selling untold suffering. And we're supposed to believe this is the "christian" side.
Ptah
(32,983 posts)GopherGal
(1,999 posts)Angela Merkel doesn't seem the Spaghetti-O's type.
lindysalsagal
(20,440 posts)Nice.
Jacquette
(152 posts)can someone explain why he's in deep shit over the Saudi sale?
I mean he's basically the middle man, the negotiator btw buyer and seller right? So why isn't the seller, Lockheed in dutch? If JK's role was illegal or questionable shouldn't Lockheed be in trouble for selling the arms in the 1st place?
I admit I know nothing re the ends,outs of intl arms dealing.
monmouth4
(9,664 posts)malaise
(267,823 posts)dalton99a
(81,068 posts)Superb reporting, as usual
Raster
(20,996 posts)Fuck Yes!
Marthe48
(16,692 posts)but I'm running through my kidneys first
CaliforniaPeggy
(149,298 posts)Omigod!
"...while while he was in the other room ironing his hair shirt!"
Raster
(20,996 posts)...Holier-than-thou Mike ironing his hair shirt...
CaliforniaPeggy
(149,298 posts)mahina
(17,506 posts)Good to see you.
Damn fine piece, thank you.
spooky3
(34,303 posts)You're very creative!
Marthe48
(16,692 posts)diane in sf
(3,904 posts)yonder
(9,631 posts)brer cat
(24,401 posts)ismnotwasm
(41,921 posts)MindPilot
(12,693 posts)Ferret's shit be EPIC!!
secondwind
(16,903 posts)dixiegrrrrl
(60,010 posts)Made the shit show almost palatable.
tblue37
(64,980 posts)prevent Mueller from investigating Jared or Ivanka, because his firm represents them, though he does not and never has.
Trump doubled the one-year ban to two years. Hmmmm. Not suspicious at all.
Of course Rosenstein can waive the rule, but will he defy Orange Foolius (a little correction for you there) twice?
Leghorn21
(13,520 posts)play ain't gonna work, right?
Hint: Schneiderman. NY AG Eric Schneiderman. Ya feel me, muthafukkah???
First Speaker
(4,858 posts)...I like to think of you, George Carlin, Molly Ivins, Robin Williams--along with Andy Kaufman, of course--all living together on some island somewhere, laughing at the world and doing anonymous blogging under names like The Ferret...
mopinko
(69,806 posts)that af1 lands back home, and there is nobody home in the white house.
even the butler has boogied.
please god have the cameras on.
JHan
(10,173 posts)HAHAHAHAHAHAHaahahhHAHAhahaahahah pictured that shit.
10/10!!!
Doremus
(7,261 posts)MineralMan
(146,192 posts)Ligyron
(7,592 posts)can't even breath!!
Bernardo de La Paz
(48,788 posts)joanbarnes
(1,715 posts)toddler boys found it icky and were grateful that I had spagettios on hand!
smirkymonkey
(63,221 posts)You really do come up with the best names for him. I think you need to come up with a list and post them.
democrank
(11,052 posts)Write on! And on!
CatWoman
(79,283 posts)MLAA
(17,165 posts)Ferret...you gotta write a book. You are too clever by half and can work organize words into a sentence so they dance and dazzle...just do it!
Leghorn21
(13,520 posts)...foreign leaders are telling each other to basically speak like a child to our President, keeping statements brief and telling him how much bigger his hands are than stinky Barack Obama's and golly, that Electoral College...we're all very impressed with you, Donnie. Anyway sell us some guns.
pnwmom
(108,925 posts)and a great big welcome to DU!
njhoneybadger
(3,910 posts)Earth Bound Misfit
(3,553 posts)spanone
(135,635 posts)calimary
(80,699 posts)I'm in awe.
Lochloosa
(16,019 posts)Dem2theMax
(9,595 posts)I can almost imagine every synapse firing off in your head. And what comes out - is sheer brilliance.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, for making us laugh. Oh, how we need it.
VOX
(22,976 posts)SunSeeker
(51,371 posts)MontanaMama
(23,239 posts)I should be asleep because I'm flying home tomorrow at 6am but I'm laughing my guts out here in a marginal hotel room in freaking Peoria instead. "Anything but Russia sweet Jesus anything so we can pretend none of this shit is really happening". OMG out of control!!! I bow to you, Ferret.
Well done.
notdarkyet
(2,226 posts)JNelson6563
(28,151 posts)Great to see original content here. : toast:
KT2000
(20,544 posts)7 shirts, 3 suits and 2 chairs
MaeScott
(878 posts)MrScorpio
(73,626 posts)iamateacher
(1,088 posts)A little bit easier!
crim son
(27,462 posts)In the meantime, I wonder if you'd give me permission to share this on FB? It's the best thing I've read in a long while.
mountain grammy
(26,571 posts)until I got to P ence ironing his hair shirt.. Hysterical. Love your writing! keep it up!
:rof
KingCharlemagne
(7,908 posts)ghostsinthemachine
(3,569 posts)Made my day and toss in a a Poroit reference? Simply genius.
nolabear
(41,915 posts)brush
(53,474 posts)heaven05
(18,124 posts)would laugh harder if the times were not so dangerous with clowns like potus/ivanka and bannon, jared, miller, ryan, mcconnhell, at the helm of our ship of state
Big_K
(237 posts)for Pence's porno, because we can't forget that white-haired douche nozzle in all of this.
He wants to be president and he wasn't going to even be reelected in Indiana? National Lampoon's most boring state, named because Indians once lived there?*
* age alert! Kids - ask your grandparents. Also, if you don't read this message, we'll shoot this dog.
NastyRiffraff
(12,448 posts)Excellently done!
trof
(54,255 posts)niyad
(112,435 posts)Iggo
(47,487 posts)"Living Garbage Pail Kid."
dooner
(1,217 posts)and hilarious.
Great funny details and perfect sanity check (reassurance) for those of us paying attention.
countryjake
(8,554 posts)cp
(6,543 posts)Great writing! Thank you, oh, thank you!