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TheFerret

(626 posts)
Fri May 19, 2017, 07:40 PM May 2017

On the day's madness, and Mr. Pence's pornography preferences.

Jesus fucking Christ, the news! Gaze not into the news lest it gaze back at ye!

And Thursday was so quiet. After being stuffed in a bag and thrown into the dryer with Wednesday's news, it was almost quaint to learn a few more details about the Comey memos. "Oh, he tried to hide in the curtains, that's cute, and apparently extra amusing because he is unusually tall. I've only ever seen him sitting down, so I did not know that. Fun!"

There was also a little report that Drumpf fantasized about the day when Mike Flynn's name would be cleared, and he could return to the White House with his head held high, and they can join hands, without shame, and sell Puerto Rico to Turkey for some shiny, shiny, beads. These are...not intelligent men.

Oh, hey, and Roger Ailes died! There was a lot of scolding on the right about the tone some folks were taking in their remembrances. Me, I'm above all that. Just tell me where you're burying him so I can plan a trip to shit on his grave.

So anyway, we rolled out of bed to push notifications about Julian Assange and Anthony Weiner and thought, "Hey, it's the two perverts that cost our Hilldawg the election isn't that a wacky coincidence I guess I'll cry for hours now, oh well at least Orange Julius Caesar didn't start a war while I was asleep."

There was a thing where the Carcinogenic Creamsicle's lawyers tried to sneak that financial disclosure letter past the feds without a signature for some reason, probably not because it becomes much more legally problematic signed, especially when it turns out 100% horseshit With Few Exceptions.

And anyway, La Grande Sharte was leaving the country today! We all fantasized about him maybe not being able to figure out how to unlock the door in one of those crazy foreign bathrooms and everybody would just come home without him, but of course that would be too easy.

Details of the trip emerged, how Donnie whined about having to do his dumb job and visit all these dumb places that don't even have golf courses he owns, how Israel wouldn't let him land his helicopter on their dumb ol' ancient monument, about how world leaders are instructing their chefs to prepare Spaghetti-O's in case the Leader of the Free World finds their local cuisine Icky and flings his plate at some Saudi Prince or Mossad agent or some shit. And we all got the embarrassment shivers upon learning that foreign leaders are telling each other to basically speak like a child to our President, keeping statements brief and telling him how much bigger his hands are than stinky Barack Obama's and golly, that Electoral College...we're all very impressed with you, Donnie. Anyway sell us some guns.

(Speaking of which, didja hear that Jared Kushner negotiated a better deal for the Saudis with American firm Lockheed Martin? AMERICA FIRST!)

But then the very moment Air Force One cleared the tarmac your device of choice stood up and screamed "I HAVE FRESH MADNESS FOR YOU, MASTER!" as the latest skirmish in the Who-Can-Whale-Harder-on-Trump's-Scrotum war between NYT and WaPo hit the streets, with a truce called so each paper could focus on a single ball, as they dropped their stories at the same time.

The Gray Lady's entry was a transcript of the already-embarrassing/treasonous Shart House meeting between the President and some spies, in which the Assclown-in-Chief literally bragged to the Russians about firing Comey, and how that would take the "pressure" off the whole Russia thing, proving once and for all that a fortune teller he ain't. Worn to a nub by the impossibility and immorality of his job, Sean Spicer couldn't even be bothered to deny this, though some genius tried to spin it as a "negotiating tactic," which is sure to convince any jury, provided the jury is made up of Eric Trump and his He-Man toys.

Seriously, between this and the Lester Holt interview, it's like he's actively trying to prove obstruction of justice. Maybe Tim Russert's consciousness got stuck in his head, Being John Malkovich style, and he's trying to save us all?

Meanwhile the Post told us that the criminal investigation into Team Shart's Russia ties has reached into the President's inner circle, as an actively serving high-level advisor is now a "person of interest." Some sources are reporting this "person" is Jared Kushner, but I'm confident that in about ten minutes Hercule Poirot shows up to tell us it was all of them.

Oh, and they're also investigating not only the crime, but whether there's been a cover-up. Anonymous sources tell me Jeff Sessions has sweated through 7 shirts, 3 suits and 2 chairs since the start of his work day.

In the background, Mike Pence is working reeeeeeeeeeally hard to build the narrative that all this shit went down while he was in the other room ironing his hair shirt. Oh, and he's firing up his own PAC which is super weird for a VICE president, not that he's looking with lust in his heart towards to ever-nearing impeachment of his boss, and it's also a coincidence that his browser history is dotted with stuff like "Oval Office curtains," and "How to get the smell of overdone steak farts out of carpet" alongside the soul-shatteringly horrifying pornography that you absolutely know he consumes all goddamn day long. Like, a dude fucking a sheep wearing a mask that looks like the dude's mom and then killing the sheep and rolling around in the blood screaming 'mommy' and then eating lamb chops because there is no way that Mike Pence isn't a deeply filthy human just below the surface.

And of course the polls continue their inevitable plummet to absolute zero, because Americans don't seem down with a pussy-grabbing nitwit who invites Russian spies into the White House and tells them to help themselves to the classified information buffet. HUH.

Aiming to get those numbers up, reports are that the Living Garbage Pail Kid wants to cut off key Obamacare reimbursements to insurers, a move that would blow up the insurance market, because nothing inspires love more than a guy taking away your access to health care. (ROMANCE TIP: Hey fellas, instead of flowers, try impressing your gal pal with a retrovirus!) Seriously, he thinks people will blame Obama for taking away their coverage, which makes sense when you realize he also thought he'd get bipartisan approval for firing Comey.

Throughout all this, the conservative media continues scrambling to keep their rubes hopped up on a mix of misinformation, white resentment, and NyQuil, alternating between frothy rants about the "deep state" and John Podesta killing Seth Rich in a demonic sex ritual and HEY LOOK A SQUIRREL! Seriously, Fox News is ten minutes away from planting kittens in trees so that it cover the rescue ANYTHING BUT RUSSIA SWEET JESUS ANYTHING SO WE CAN PRETEND NONE OF THIS SHIT IS REALLY HAPPENING.

Oh, and as I was writing this, CNN broke the story about the White House Counsel's office has begun researching impeachment. I'd provide commentary, but I laughed so hard I have dislocated my rib cage.

Anyway, I'm posting this early, cuz I'm going out tonight. I can't imagine I'll miss anything. Not like our Racist Dickbag President is gonna give a speech on Islam written by slighter-smarter-but-also-Racister Dickbag Stephen Miller in Saudi Arabia later or anything.

...wait, what's that? James Comey just agreed to testify publicly before the Senate? Heh. Hah hah hah. AHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAH!!!!! (Ow my ribcage.)

76 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
Highlight: NoneDon't highlight anything 5 newestHighlight 5 most recent replies
On the day's madness, and Mr. Pence's pornography preferences. (Original Post) TheFerret May 2017 OP
HOT DAMN, I am living a perfect day!! TheFerret, in da house!!!! Leghorn21 May 2017 #1
I know, right? nt tblue37 May 2017 #24
WOW Caliman73 May 2017 #2
Ferret knocks it out the park again HipChick May 2017 #3
FERRET! underpants May 2017 #4
It's just a bouquet of insanity isn't it ? lol luvMIdog May 2017 #5
world leaders are instructing their chefs to prepare Spaghetti-O's in case the Leader of the Free lindysalsagal May 2017 #6
but I'm confident that in about ten minutes Hercule Poirot shows up to tell us it was all of them. Ptah May 2017 #7
Leader of the Free World? GopherGal May 2017 #66
Buh-dump-ba. lindysalsagal May 2017 #68
I have no love for Kushner AT ALL but Jacquette May 2017 #67
Oh Ferret, be my next husband..LOL..n/t monmouth4 May 2017 #8
... in about ten minutes Hercule Poirot shows up to tell us it was all of them. malaise May 2017 #9
And all that in a mere 24 hours dalton99a May 2017 #10
"Just tell me where you're burying him so I can plan a trip to shit on his grave." Raster May 2017 #11
I'm going to leave a bottle of whiskey on his grave Marthe48 May 2017 #16
You nailed it AGAIN! CaliforniaPeggy May 2017 #12
Isn't that phrasing awesome... and the visuals it inspires... Raster May 2017 #33
It IS awesome! And the visuals are hilarious! CaliforniaPeggy May 2017 #40
Hey brother. mahina May 2017 #13
I really hope someone is paying you to write for a living! spooky3 May 2017 #14
Mark Morford- is that you? Marthe48 May 2017 #15
my thought as well :-) diane in sf May 2017 #42
I'm guessing it's our latter day Will Rogers - Garrison Keillor. nt yonder May 2017 #47
Boom goes the Ferret again. brer cat May 2017 #17
Goddamn ismnotwasm May 2017 #18
I've said it before and I'll say it again: MindPilot May 2017 #19
I LOVE THIS! secondwind May 2017 #20
Brilliant writing....pls. don't stop. dixiegrrrrl May 2017 #21
But wait, there's more! The WH is trying to use an obscure ethics rule Trump just extended by EO to tblue37 May 2017 #22
Fine, fine. Protect your little crime family all you can, dipshit. You know why your "ethics" Leghorn21 May 2017 #31
I wonder--did Hunter Thompson fake his death, and are you really him...? First Speaker May 2017 #23
if we all survive the week, which, i confess, is not a high probability, imagine mopinko May 2017 #25
'but I'm confident that in about ten minutes Hercule Poirot shows up to tell us it was all of them. JHan May 2017 #26
OMG I laughed til I cried and my ribcage is grousing too, but all worth it. Thanks. nt Doremus May 2017 #27
Nicely done. MineralMan May 2017 #28
Good work! Ligyron May 2017 #29
Where was this talent hiding until recently? Bravo! . . nt Bernardo de La Paz May 2017 #30
LOL Ferret,The. Fun Memory: Had friends over for stir-fry years ago...........the two joanbarnes May 2017 #32
"La Grande Sharte" smirkymonkey May 2017 #34
Merit rhymes with Ferret democrank May 2017 #35
... CatWoman May 2017 #36
You gotta.... MLAA May 2017 #37
posted without comment: Leghorn21 May 2017 #38
I love this! Thanks for sharing this with us pnwmom May 2017 #39
Thanks Ferret njhoneybadger May 2017 #41
I think I love you Ferret Earth Bound Misfit May 2017 #43
K&R... spanone May 2017 #44
The Carcinogenic Creamsicle! OMG! calimary May 2017 #45
.... Lochloosa May 2017 #46
Does your brain hurt when you do this? Dem2theMax May 2017 #48
All I can add is, TheFerret rules. Everything. n/t VOX May 2017 #49
I'm starting to think we're not worthy of you, Ferret. SunSeeker May 2017 #50
Epic rant!!! MontanaMama May 2017 #51
... Kali May 2017 #52
Nice brain break at the end of another cray day. Appreciate your talent. notdarkyet May 2017 #53
Much fun w/this report! JNelson6563 May 2017 #54
Keep 'em coming... KT2000 May 2017 #55
Kicked. MaeScott May 2017 #56
Bravo! MrScorpio May 2017 #57
Thank you for making this hell iamateacher May 2017 #58
I want this made into a print so I can put it up on my living room wall. crim son May 2017 #59
I was holding it together mountain grammy May 2017 #60
Methinks Hunter S. Thompson has been resurrected. - nt KingCharlemagne May 2017 #61
Awesome.. ghostsinthemachine May 2017 #62
You went a little easy on Pence, doncha think? nolabear May 2017 #63
You deserve a break after your back-to-back brilliances...but not too long, pls brush May 2017 #64
love it heaven05 May 2017 #65
Please provide URLs... Big_K May 2017 #69
You owe me a monitor, Ferret! NastyRiffraff May 2017 #70
And welcome to DU. trof May 2017 #71
k and r niyad May 2017 #72
Good stuff, TF. Iggo May 2017 #73
brilliant dooner May 2017 #74
kickety! countryjake May 2017 #75
Ferret Fan Club! cp May 2017 #76

lindysalsagal

(20,440 posts)
6. world leaders are instructing their chefs to prepare Spaghetti-O's in case the Leader of the Free
Fri May 19, 2017, 07:50 PM
May 2017

World finds their local cuisine Icky"


Would be hysterically funny if our representative democracy hadn't just become the biggest arms dealer to the worst thugs in the world.

I wonder what fRump's cut will be? One thing is for certain, he just got richer selling untold suffering. And we're supposed to believe this is the "christian" side.

 

Jacquette

(152 posts)
67. I have no love for Kushner AT ALL but
Sat May 20, 2017, 12:17 PM
May 2017

can someone explain why he's in deep shit over the Saudi sale?

I mean he's basically the middle man, the negotiator btw buyer and seller right? So why isn't the seller, Lockheed in dutch? If JK's role was illegal or questionable shouldn't Lockheed be in trouble for selling the arms in the 1st place?

I admit I know nothing re the ends,outs of intl arms dealing.

Raster

(20,996 posts)
33. Isn't that phrasing awesome... and the visuals it inspires...
Fri May 19, 2017, 08:38 PM
May 2017

...Holier-than-thou Mike ironing his hair shirt...

tblue37

(64,980 posts)
22. But wait, there's more! The WH is trying to use an obscure ethics rule Trump just extended by EO to
Fri May 19, 2017, 08:24 PM
May 2017

prevent Mueller from investigating Jared or Ivanka, because his firm represents them, though he does not and never has.

Trump doubled the one-year ban to two years. Hmmmm. Not suspicious at all.

Of course Rosenstein can waive the rule, but will he defy Orange Foolius (a little correction for you there) twice?

Leghorn21

(13,520 posts)
31. Fine, fine. Protect your little crime family all you can, dipshit. You know why your "ethics"
Fri May 19, 2017, 08:31 PM
May 2017

play ain't gonna work, right?

Hint: Schneiderman. NY AG Eric Schneiderman. Ya feel me, muthafukkah???

First Speaker

(4,858 posts)
23. I wonder--did Hunter Thompson fake his death, and are you really him...?
Fri May 19, 2017, 08:25 PM
May 2017

...I like to think of you, George Carlin, Molly Ivins, Robin Williams--along with Andy Kaufman, of course--all living together on some island somewhere, laughing at the world and doing anonymous blogging under names like The Ferret...

mopinko

(69,806 posts)
25. if we all survive the week, which, i confess, is not a high probability, imagine
Fri May 19, 2017, 08:27 PM
May 2017

that af1 lands back home, and there is nobody home in the white house.
even the butler has boogied.
please god have the cameras on.

JHan

(10,173 posts)
26. 'but I'm confident that in about ten minutes Hercule Poirot shows up to tell us it was all of them.
Fri May 19, 2017, 08:27 PM
May 2017

HAHAHAHAHAHAHaahahhHAHAhahaahahah pictured that shit.

10/10!!!

joanbarnes

(1,715 posts)
32. LOL Ferret,The. Fun Memory: Had friends over for stir-fry years ago...........the two
Fri May 19, 2017, 08:33 PM
May 2017

toddler boys found it icky and were grateful that I had spagettios on hand!

 

smirkymonkey

(63,221 posts)
34. "La Grande Sharte"
Fri May 19, 2017, 08:38 PM
May 2017

You really do come up with the best names for him. I think you need to come up with a list and post them.

MLAA

(17,165 posts)
37. You gotta....
Fri May 19, 2017, 08:53 PM
May 2017

Ferret...you gotta write a book. You are too clever by half and can work organize words into a sentence so they dance and dazzle...just do it!

Leghorn21

(13,520 posts)
38. posted without comment:
Fri May 19, 2017, 08:53 PM
May 2017

...foreign leaders are telling each other to basically speak like a child to our President, keeping statements brief and telling him how much bigger his hands are than stinky Barack Obama's and golly, that Electoral College...we're all very impressed with you, Donnie. Anyway sell us some guns.

Dem2theMax

(9,595 posts)
48. Does your brain hurt when you do this?
Sat May 20, 2017, 12:09 AM
May 2017

I can almost imagine every synapse firing off in your head. And what comes out - is sheer brilliance.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, for making us laugh. Oh, how we need it.

MontanaMama

(23,239 posts)
51. Epic rant!!!
Sat May 20, 2017, 01:08 AM
May 2017

I should be asleep because I'm flying home tomorrow at 6am but I'm laughing my guts out here in a marginal hotel room in freaking Peoria instead. "Anything but Russia sweet Jesus anything so we can pretend none of this shit is really happening". OMG out of control!!! I bow to you, Ferret.

Well done.



Kali

(54,990 posts)
52. ...
Sat May 20, 2017, 01:20 AM
May 2017
In the background, Mike Pence is working reeeeeeeeeeally hard to build the narrative that all this shit went down while he was in the other room ironing his hair shirt. Oh, and he's firing up his own PAC which is super weird for a VICE president, not that he's looking with lust in his heart towards to ever-nearing impeachment of his boss, and it's also a coincidence that his browser history is dotted with stuff like "Oval Office curtains," and "How to get the smell of overdone steak farts out of carpet" alongside the soul-shatteringly horrifying pornography that you absolutely know he consumes all goddamn day long. Like, a dude fucking a sheep wearing a mask that looks like the dude's mom and then killing the sheep and rolling around in the blood screaming 'mommy' and then eating lamb chops because there is no way that Mike Pence isn't a deeply filthy human just below the surface.



crim son

(27,462 posts)
59. I want this made into a print so I can put it up on my living room wall.
Sat May 20, 2017, 09:43 AM
May 2017

In the meantime, I wonder if you'd give me permission to share this on FB? It's the best thing I've read in a long while.

mountain grammy

(26,571 posts)
60. I was holding it together
Sat May 20, 2017, 09:49 AM
May 2017

until I got to P ence ironing his hair shirt.. Hysterical. Love your writing! keep it up!

:rof

 

heaven05

(18,124 posts)
65. love it
Sat May 20, 2017, 11:09 AM
May 2017

would laugh harder if the times were not so dangerous with clowns like potus/ivanka and bannon, jared, miller, ryan, mcconnhell, at the helm of our ship of state

Big_K

(237 posts)
69. Please provide URLs...
Sat May 20, 2017, 12:57 PM
May 2017

for Pence's porno, because we can't forget that white-haired douche nozzle in all of this.

He wants to be president and he wasn't going to even be reelected in Indiana? National Lampoon's most boring state, named because Indians once lived there?*


* age alert! Kids - ask your grandparents. Also, if you don't read this message, we'll shoot this dog.

dooner

(1,217 posts)
74. brilliant
Sat May 20, 2017, 05:05 PM
May 2017

and hilarious.

Great funny details and perfect sanity check (reassurance) for those of us paying attention.

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