Who Are The Deeply Disturbed Individuals In Trumps Inner Circle?
The editorial board of The Onion continues to work around the clock forcing its cramped basement of illegal migrant laborers to sift through page after page of classified White House documents. And as more and more information is pieced together, one stark truth has emerged again and again: Each and every one of President Trump’s closest advisors and confidants is psychologically disturbed in some profound and perverse way.
Let’s first turn to the peculiar fixations of Vice President Mike Pence, who appears uninterested in carrying out the prescribed functions of his office and more inclined to spend his time critiquing his pastor’s sermons for emphasizing the concept of love too frequently or barring his staff from speaking certain words like “entangled” and “cloture,” which he considers too crass to be uttered in his company. Moreover, Pence seems to show little regard for the federal government’s time or money, having attempted to spend one-tenth of the government’s budget on tithing, and using significant portions of the workday to browse his personal collection of aborted-fetus protest placards or to sketch out his fanciful ideas for holy inventions. The only evidence The Onion could find of the vice president actually engaging with his fellow politicians in Washington was a memo he authored identifying heretics in the U.S. Senate. Indeed, few officials are even able to meet with Pence, as he requires all individuals to fill out a comprehensive questionnaire that includes such prompts as “Please list the dates of all your spiritual rebirths” and “Have you ever stood directly adjacent to another man’s wife?” before they are allowed to enter his residence or office.
The most unsettling member of Trump’s inner circle, however, appears to be Chief Strategist Steve Bannon, whose documented actions, such as his request that the Interior Department send him pictures of its most crushed and mutilated roadkill or this secret recording of him eating lunch, have caused a significant number of The Onion’s analysts to begin vomiting violently and fall into a shuddering, wide-eyed stupor, as if a plague of sorts had been transmitted to them simply by reading about Bannon’s behavior. Based on the documents that our team has been able to endure, it appears the chief strategist has caused considerable harm to animals, people, and property in the West Wing, from dismembering rodents, to gnawing multiple times through sewage pipes. Moreover, in March, the White House Physician traced a horrific infectious disease outbreak to Bannon’s office. It seems that Bannon is doing something odious and concerning at every moment of the day, whether it’s having biopsied tissue and various surgical retractors delivered to his office, scuttling through the ventilation shafts, or sending back the chicken he ordered from the White House kitchen for being dead and cooked. However, what is most worrying about Bannon are his distinctly sinister ambitions, as evidenced in an extremely dark and disturbing first draft of a speech he prepared for Donald Trump, or his apparent coaxing of the president into signing an ominous executive order titled “Authorizing the Execution of the President by the Chief White House Strategist Should Such Action Be Deemed Advisable and Establishing a Protocol of Succession in Such Event.” There is no telling what horrors Bannon would seek to enact if he were to gain further power.
Whereas Bannon appears elusive, solitary, and tight-lipped, White House Counselor Kellyanne Conway is revealed in these documents to be desperately in need of the public spotlight. Indeed, a telling series of emails with Fox News demonstrates just how needy she is, as Conway made clear that she would “physically disappear from the visible spectrum if [she does] not appear on television every 24 hours.” Moreover, Conway seeks such frequent media attention that she receives a weekly television appearance schedule with a color-coded key explaining how she should behave on camera, from acting “fiercely incredulous,” to “turn[ing the] conversation into an attack on immigrants,” to “accus[ing] Obama of whatever Trump is being accused of.” Privately, however, Conway appears to be more relaxed, indulging herself with a daily blink at 12:45 p.m. In addition, a Craigslist ad she posted in March titled “Woman seeks young man willing to withstand physical blows” reveals how she decompresses from the strains of the White House, describing herself as “a married white woman in her early 50s looking for a young man (18-24) who would be willing to let me beat the shit out of him for half an hour or so.”
http://www.theonion.com/article/who-are-deeply-disturbed-individuals-trumps-inner--56073
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