C.D.C.: Millions of Americans in Blue States Will Be Too Sick to Report to Work Thurs (Borowitz)
Comey hearing Thursday...
ATLANTA (The Borowitz Report)—In a mysterious epidemic that has spread rapidly in the past twenty-four hours, millions of Americans will be too sick to report to work on Thursday morning, according to the Centers for Disease Control.
Releasing a map of the United States on Wednesday, the C.D.C. indicated that the highest concentrations of people suffering from the baffling ailment occur in the areas colored blue.
“People in such states as California, New York, and Massachusetts appear to be especially vulnerable to this illness, which will prevent them from reporting to work on Thursday,” Harland Dorrinson, a C.D.C. spokesman, said. “If the trend continues, as many as sixty-five million people will be at home sick by 10 A.M. E.T.”
While those suddenly afflicted by the illness are located mainly in the areas of the map colored blue, the C.D.C. noted that there are millions of additional sufferers scattered about the red areas, as well. “Most residents of Texas appear to be immune to the illness, for example, but there are thousands of people suddenly falling ill in the metropolitan area of Austin,” Dorrinson said.
Although an inexplicable illness afflicting millions of Americans is a cause for concern, the C.D.C. spokesman urged people to remain calm. “It’s conceivable that by Thursday afternoon many of these people will be feeling much, much better,” he said.
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