BREAKING: Trump orders W.H. Chef to serve only alphabet soup, with letters spelling out "DJT ROCKS"

[Miles Archer]

No link yet...breaking news.

WASHINGTON DC - President Donald Trump has signed an executive order demanding that for the entire month of September, the only dish to be prepared by the White House Chef and staff will be Campbell's Alphabet Soup, with the letters carefully arranged to spell out "DJT ROCKS."

When reminded by New York Times reporter Glenn Thrush that an executive order was not necessary in this situation, and he simply could have had a memo sent to the Executive Chef, the President replied "You know, maybe you feel it wasn't necessary, Glenn. And you're not the President. I'm the President. It's funny, oh...I don't know...maybe you wouldn't feel it necessary for one of my Secret Service guys to follow you back to your car after this Press Conference and give you a little rap on the back of your head to remember me by. I mean, that's maybe not necessary, but it doesn't mean that it couldn't happen. Capisce? Do you get my drift?"

The President's decision to alter the White House menu comes at the beginning of "DJT Rocks" week. The President will conduct a tour and inspection of each room of the White House, and staffers will be required to line up against the walls and greet him with "DJT Rocks!" as he passes by. Any staffers not cheerfully greeting the President will be escorted off the premises by Secret Service agents, who will give them a little rap on the back of the head to remember him by.

Former Chief of Staff Renice Priebus will be the Keynote Speaker at the DJT ROCKS week opening ceremonies. A transcript of his prepared remarks indicates that he will tell the President and all assembled that while he is no longer employed by the Trump administration, he feels truly honored and humbled and blessed that he was able to work for the President and help him implement his agenda, even though no agenda items have actually been implemented in the first 8 months of his administration. Priebus has not been invited to attend the ceremonial Alphabet Soup Luncheon scheduled immediately after his remarks.

Friends of Priebus, who wished to remain anonymous for this story, told our reporters that on most days he now spends his time on his sofa, in his bathrobe, sobbing uncontrollably while binge-watching "The Golden Girls" on Netflix while eating Alphabet Soup.

The President's Executive Order does not apply to the President himself. He was quoted at the time of its signing as saying "This Executive Order does not apply to me, the President, myself. I will still enjoy an extra dish of sauce for my chicken, a Diet Coke whenever I want one, and...of course...two scoops of ice cream on my chocolate cream pie. Don't forget that I'm donating $1 million of my personal money to Texas. Now get the hell out of here and let me enjoy my chicken with extra sauce."

[rock]

1. Obvious sarcasm

Not quite the kind of crazy that the BOSKAT (Bag Of Shit Known As Trump) really is.

[MineralMan]

2. Nah. Make it KYFCOU letters only in his soup.