Let Us Now Contemplate the Noble Herpes Oyster
Hey everybody! Here's tonight's post. As always, check it out on my site:
http://showercapblog.com/herpes-oyster-manafort-fucked/
Hey folks. Is shit still cray? I mean, the roof of my place might be sagging under the weight of all the bat guano, but it hasn't caved in...yet.
Sunday was pretty quiet. I mean, the President of the United States sent out a tweet that advocated violence against women, as well as violence against his political opponent (he's a multi-tasker, that Marmalade Shartcannon!), but does that even count as newsworthy anymore?
Oh look! Sean Spicer got to go to Emmys and make a little jokey joke and rub elbows with celebrities HAW HAW HAW ISN'T IT FUN? HE WAS THE CHIEF PROPAGANDA MINISTER FOR A REGIME THAT WAGES WAR ON REALITY AND ASSAULTS THE PILLARS OF AMERICAN DEMOCRACY, IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE HE'S A TRAITOR TO HIS NATION AND WILL NEVER FACE ANY CONSEQUENCES BEYOND ACCUMULATING WEALTH HAW HAW HAW.
The Failing New York Times told us that a couple of Sharty McFly's lawyers went out for lunch at a steakhouse frequented by reporters (and actually down the street from NYT's office) and screamed their heads off about a bunch of shit they shouldn't have been talking about IN A RESTAURANT WHERE REPORTERS HANG OUT, because The Best People. Anyway, the lawyers are fighting, and the lawyers all have lawyers of their own, and everybody's paranoid as fuck. They're worried they're being spied on by rivals, that folks might be wearing wires for Mueller...shit, maybe these fucks'll end up Reservoir Dogsing each other, and we won't even have to impeach 'em.
Oh, we're sending 3,000 more troops to Afghanistan. I'll bet that takes care of everything. After 16 years, all the blood and treasure needlessly pissed away, 3,000 more troops clears the whole boondoggle up, probably. Whew!
While we spend most of our time focusing on the rot at the federal level here, let's not lose sight of the grassroots dirtbags working to Make America Shitty. Didja hear about the weaselly, dickless kid who tried to get an undocumented classmate kicked out of the country? Well, turns out he's been booted from his college instead, because justice isn't completely dead yet. And hey, Taylor Ragg...have fun with the rest of your life, where your reprehensible fuckery will always be a short google search away!
Well, you're probably hearing a lot about "Graham-Cassidy" these days. Regrettably I must inform you that this is NOT the name of a folk rock band, and even if it were, they'd have songs like "Our House (Is a Very Very Very Fine House But We Lost It in a Medical Bankruptcy When Mom Got Sick)" and "Teach Your Children Well Unless They Have Preexisting Conditions in Which Case It's Probably Best Not to Get Too Attached."
No, it's the title of the latest GOP attempt to sneak their Mass Murder of the American Poor Bill through in the dead of night. Anyway, we gotta get on the phones and sink this shit one more time, Resisters. We must not allow Graham-Cassidy to become Graham, Cassidy, Murkowski & McCain, some sort of life-support-machine-unplugging supergroup.
There won't be time for a full CBO score before the reconciliation clock runs out at the end of the month, and there's literally only 90 seconds of debate time left. But the Republican Party is just so dang DEDICATED to shortening the lives of the Taker Classes. "You had me at 'Dead Kids'" said Ron Johnson, tearfully gazing into Lindsey Graham's eyes.
Guess what, kids? Now YOU can finance your very own traitor! Yes, General Mike Flynn, America's favorite undisclosed foreign agent, has started up a crowd funded legal defense site! Maybe he can get Sally Struthers to cut a weepy commercial for him..."Do you want to make more money selling access to a know-nothing President? Sure, we all do!"
It's been awhile since we've heard from Bill at the Abject Horror Desk. Bill! Have you got anything for us tonight?
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Oh holy fuck do I ever.
That's never good news. Fine. Stomp on the tattered remains of our souls, Bill.
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Well, you know about the protests in St. Louis, of course. Another acquittal for another law enforcement officer who killed a black man and seems to have planted evidence on him after the fact.
Oh, you're gonna talk about that old woman the police knocked down at the protest, right?
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Yeah, that was really fucking awful, wasn't it? What if I told you that wasn't the worst thing St. Louis law enforcement did, Cap?
...shit, Bill. I don't know if -
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: No no, let us stare into the Abyss together. Turns out, while some police were arresting some protesters, they decided to co-opt a protester chant. "Whose streets? OUR STREETS!" Got that? The world doesn't belong to the people, but to the cops in riot gear. SLEEP TIGHT!
Jesus Fuck, Bill. That's some dark shit.
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Sure is, Cap. Makes your blood run cold.
Ok, well, before my soul shrivels completely away and runs screaming into the night, I need something to laugh at, STAT. Fortunately I have the worst political ad in history to pep me up. Thanks, Dan Helmer, for the desperately-needed laugh.
President Obama's tenure in office was marked by steady job growth. That's slowing down a bit, but don't worry, America! What we lose in employment we're more than making up for...in hate crimes! Yessir, the hate crime index is getting a real "Trump Bump," with a 5% increase nationwide from 2015 to 2016, and many cities seeing even steeper "gains," led by Washington D.C.'s 62% increase. And we're off to a red-hot start in 2017, thanks to the wildly successful Make America Hate Again campaign.
Don Jong-un REALLY REALLY wants to preside over a procession of tanks down Pennsylvania Avenue, even though that'd most likely make the Lincoln Memorial stand up, walk over to the White House and stomp on his (inadequate) crotch. I wonder if Sheriff Dave'll let Donnie borrow his uniform so he can really cosplay the shit out of the third world dictator he wishes he were.
Too-Ridiculously-Hateful-to-be-a-Credible-Fictional-Character-Yet-Somehow-Alabama-Senate-Frontrunner Roy Moore lamented the conflicts between the "reds and yellows," proving that it's still possible to be shockingly racist even in the context of our ever-plummeting Drumpf-era standards.
Seriously. "Reds and yellows?" Holy fuck. Who's Bannon gonna recruit to primary Roger Wicker in Mississippi, the burning ghost of Nathan Bedford Forrest?
Hey, if you're having a shit day, at least be thankful that you're not Paul Manafort.
CNN tells us Paulie Ukraine was subject to FISA-court-approved wiretapping both before and after the election, and that Orange Julius Caesar stayed in contact with Manafort until his lawyers finally got through to him on what a dumbfuck thing to do that was.
And NYT told us that Rugged Robert Mueller threatened the former Shart Campaign Chair with indictment after raiding his home a few weeks back, cuz Mueller's into all that Untouchables shit.
(The Washington Post was totally jealous not to have their own Manafort scoop to break, so my sources tell me they're working on a story about how he sometimes steals his neighbor's Amazon packages if they look like they might be something cool like a socket wrench set or a Big Wheel.)
Anyway, Our Madame Hilldawg was shootin' the shit with Terry Gross, and kept the door open to raising some sort of unspecified hell about the election once the indictments start flying, because she is a goddamn warrior with nary a fuck left to give.
And now lil' Shart, Jr is canceling his Secret Service protection, because it sure is annoying having law enforcement around all the time when you've got laws to break and collusion to cover up, AMIRITE? (That Secret Service officers can be compelled to testify under oath has nothing to do with this decision, I'm sure.)
Anyway, there's ANOTHER Cat 5 hurricane raging through the Caribbean, and I'm sure it's about to dump a shit ton of herpes oysters on all of us. It'll be just like MAGNOLIA. Only instead of frogs, it'll be oysters.
Oysters with herpes.
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You weave all these great, hilarious-while-they're-breaking-our-hearts factoids together and they make sense!
They make me laugh and cry all at the same time!
But maybe I'd be better off not knowing how you do it. It's like sausage-making, amiright? But it's beautiful to behold.
Thank You.
That's poetry to my ear. 
I dug the links, but on that worst ad, I could not watch after they referenced the song.
