Welcome to DU!
The truly grassroots left-of-center political community where regular people, not algorithms, drive the discussions and set the standards.
Join the community:
Create a free account
Support DU (and get rid of ads!):
Become a Star Member
Latest Breaking News
Editorials & Other Articles
General Discussion
The DU Lounge
All Forums
Issue Forums
Culture Forums
Alliance Forums
Region Forums
Support Forums
Help & Search
Mueller Immediately Closes Investigation After Hearing Putin Proclaim His Innocence
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The special counsel Robert Mueller announced on Saturday that he was closing the Justice Department’s Russia investigation, “effective immediately,” after hearing that President Vladimir Putin, of Russia, said he was innocent of any election meddling.
Moments after learning about Putin’s assertion, Mueller hastily assembled his staff of investigators to inform them that, now that Putin had fully exonerated himself, there was no point in continuing the probe.
“Vladimir Putin says he did nothing,” Mueller told his staff. “That’s good enough for me.”
Speaking later to reporters, Mueller said that, by disbanding his investigation, he was following the time-honored law-enforcement tradition of taking a suspect’s word for it.
“For the past several months, we’ve assembled tax records, cell-phone recordings, bank transfers, and e-mail communications that indicated Russia was involved in the election,” a visibly shaken Mueller said. “Somehow, we got it wrong—very, very wrong.”
https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/mueller-immediately-closes-investigation-after-hearing-putin-proclaim-his-innocence
38 replies
= new reply since forum marked as read
= new reply since forum marked as read
and he went to Vietnam too!
holds it's breath...
The Orange Julius calender!
He really knows how to stir things up. 
I really hope one of Trump's aides gives this to him as real news. Someone who's never heard of Borowitz. Trump would have an aneurysm. So.......good news, right? 
Be hilarious.
He'd stroke out when he found out it was satire.
He should by now!
The State of Alabama just lowered the age of consent to 12 years, retroactive to 1980.
Andy,Andy,Andy. You dang near got me again.
The only one.
I gave some cons elsewhere heart attacks with this.
was particularly funny.
Hope it brightened your day!
tradition of taking the suspects word for it.
Lincoln was a great man!
Trump wishes it was true, no doubt.
Asshat in Chief thinks this is the real deal.
I know it isn't him though.
The ass isn't big enough.