Someone had to speak up. Turns out, that someone was me
Last edited Mon Dec 4, 2017, 02:30 PM - Edit history (1)
Our office has long been known for its relaxed and permissive policies. It's a small company, and a lot gets by that would never be permitted in a larger or more "corporate" environment. The general rule is that you don't make a joke at the expense of others, but it's perfectly okay to joke about your own hot flashes (for example). And don't ever be too explicit.
Like everything else, the culture comes from the top. The big boss (a middle-aged man) has an unfortunate habit of drifting into sexually explicit conversations, with our mostly-female staff. Some women think they're hilarious. Many don't and are offended by them. Some I overhear, and I don't particularly like them. I never participate, and will often close my office door. Other women use headphones to block out these conversations and remarks. I've discussed the situation with other women in the office, but nobody seems to have been able to come up with a good plan for putting a stop to the practice. The non-managers are afraid of reprisals. The managers, like myself, can't agree on what to do, how or when to do it. Everyone knows he means no harm. He's just clueless about his own inappropriateness. His big mouth gets ahead of his small brain.
Then last week, I happened to step into the main office (my office is down a corridor, so I often miss what's going on in the larger outer office world). Big boss and aide-de-camp VP are chatting to three women. I don't know exactly what they were discussing--I'm guessing that the jumping-off point of the discussion was the business with Matt Lauer, but I really didn't stop to check for context. All I heard was the big boss say, "she was sucking his dick." In front of three women, one of whom is a twenty-something sales associate with whom he travels to large trade shows.
I stopped in my tracks, and the five of them looked at me like a turd had just fallen into the punch bowl. Very clearly, and in measured tones, I said, "this conversation is inappropriate. It's got to stop. We cannot have conversation of this nature going on in the office, period." Big boss looked at me again, took a breath, and said, "noted. I'm going to finish my story now."
Furious at having been dismissed, I left the office and called big boss on his cell phone. I said that he was a fool not to realize how damaging to the company his thoughtless and inappropriate speech was. How many in the office found that talk offensive and went to great lengths to avoid having to overhear it. That he is a lawsuit waiting to happen, a lawsuit that will put 35 people out of work when he has to settle. That all it would take is one email to HR to wreck a company that it's taken three generations and 90 years to build. Once I put a dollar amount on it, he finally got it.
When I told my husband, he asked me why I didn't speak to big boss in private. Because I wanted witnesses. And, I wanted the women who participated in that conversation, willingly or unwillingly, to understand that inappropriate behavior must be challenged. That it is not ever okay for a person with power to abuse that power by subjecting others to offense. That we have a responsibility to open our mouths, or nothing will ever change.
You could say the risk to me was small. Maybe so. I doubt I would have been fired. I've been around a long time and everyone knows I have zero fucks to give. Maybe I was the only person who could have spoken truth to power in that situation, but that doesn't mean I wasn't scared shitless.
All I know is that the next time (and I hope there never is one) I overhear something that shouldn't be said in an office, I'll be less scared. Or maybe someone else will speak up.
We don't demolish the patriarchy with an atom bomb. We do it one human being at a time.
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One woman (and man) at a time. One human person at a time.
how to be true gentlemen. A gentleman would never speak that sort of language to anyone, including other men.
We need to send around 75% of our men and boys to Gentleman's School, or else take their pickup trucks and guns away.
If I were caught speaking in front of ladies like that and my mom (rest in peace) found out, she would tell those gals to take a hickory switch to my backside.
Congrats for a good job and breaking the ice of impropriety at your workplace!
Proud to know you on DU..
and that you’re in one of them.
Bravo lapislzi. 
You handled it thoughtfully, clearly and uncompromisingly. You did your boss an enormous favour, and if he's at all woke he'll realize it. You're right, the first time is the hardest. Next time (and there will probably be a next time), you'll have this experience to draw on.
Way to go!
I don't think reprisals are imminent, tho just in case, document everything!!
I’m proud of you. That was an awesome story.
It is nice to read stories like this instead of so many negative things that are often posted. It restores my faith in people and I thank you for that.
Yes, spot on - one human being at a time. 
Wow - that took guts - good job lapislzi!
