Calling Earth a Loser, Trump Vows to Make Better Deal with New Planet (Borowitz)

[Amaryllis]

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a dramatic announcement from the White House Rose Garden on Thursday, Donald J. Trump pronounced the planet Earth a “loser” and vowed to make a better deal with a new planet.

“Earth is a terrible, very bad planet,” he told the White House press corps. “It’s maybe the worst planet in the solar system, and it’s far from the biggest.”

Trump blasted former President Barack Obama for signing deals that committed the United States to remain on the planet Earth indefinitely. “Obama is almost as big a loser as Earth,” Trump said. “If Obama was a planet, guess what planet he’d be? That’s right: Earth.”

When asked which planet he would make a new deal with, Trump offered few specifics, saying only, “The solar system has millions of terrific planets, and they’re all better than Earth, which is a sick, failing loser.”

Trump’s remarks drew a strong response from one of the United States’ NATO allies, Germany’s Angela Merkel. “I strongly support Donald Trump leaving the planet Earth,” she said.

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/calling-earth-a-loser-trump-vows-to-make-better-deal-with-new-planet?mbid=nl_060117%20Borowitz%20Newsletter%20(1)&CNDID=49083371&spMailingID=11166266&spUserID=MTgzMjI2MTM1NTc2S0&spJobID=1180106365&spReportId=MTE4MDEwNjM2NQS2

[Mme. Defarge]

1. Proud to be the first

to recommend.

[Afromania]

2. Earth is already in negotiations to make a better deal

It's plans are to drown us, starve us and then burn whatever's left to a fucking crisp. Then Earth is going to take a gap year, or 300 million, before it has to deal with its' next bunch of "advanced" organisms.

[Beartracks]

6. So, basically, Earth is raising the cost of rent. n/t

[Lucky Luciano]

3. One of the best borowitz reports! LOL! nt

[dalton99a]

4. Good one.

[longship]

5. Wonderful Andy Borowitz!

R&