It was a mistake not to talk to my depressed son about suicide

[Jilly_in_VA]

Four years ago, our 20-year-old son was admitted to a psychiatric hospital after trying to kill himself. That night, my husband implied that I bore some of the blame.

“You kind of normalized suicide because you talked about your father all the time,” he said.

“I talked about it because it’s how my father died,” I snapped. “It’s not like I was saying, ‘Hey, kids, my dad killed himself when I was 13. You should try it sometime!’”

I was reminded of that conversation when I watched a recent MSNBC “Morning Joe” interview with Maryland Rep. Jamie Raskin, the House impeachment manager whose 25-year-old son, Tommy, died by suicide a week before the Jan. 6 insurrection. As he does in the MSNBC documentary “Love and the Constitution,” airing Sunday, Raskin speaks openly about suicide — something he wishes he’d done when his son was alive.

“I fault myself for, among many other things, not using the word suicide and [not] forcing conversations about suicide in our household,” Raskin told co-host Willie Geist on “Morning Joe.” “Not talking to somebody who’s depressed about suicide is like not talking about sex to a teenager. You may think that you’re somehow suppressing the possibility of its emergence later, but you’re not.”

https://www.nbcnews.com/think/opinion/why-talking-about-suicide-my-son-was-so-important-even-ncna1288704
_______________________________________________________________________
Me too. #SuicideParent

[Walleye]

1. A few years ago after my boyfriend died I was depressed and thinking about ending it all

I ended up going to a doctor for arthritis and she talked to me about the suicide. Also my brothers talked to me about it,it was very helpful. I don’t think about it anymore but I was pretty serious there for a couple of years. Thank goodness I had a good support system. Not everybody does

[lark]

17. I had a similar experience with my Aunt.

I was getting a divorce and pretty depressed, felt like a total failure, etc. Talking to my moms' best friend who was also my guardian and honorary aunt, I guess some of that showed and she gave me a talk I will never forget. She told me about the effects her fathers' and then 20 years later, her sister's suicides had on her family members and herself. Her sisters' son who was only 12 when his mom died and her daughter who was 15 lives became so messed up that the nephew died in a battle over drugs when he was 18 and the daughter was in trouble and my aunt adopted her to provide stability & love. She made me swear I would never commit suicide, no matter the circumstances, because mom didn't deserve to have her life ruined and her joy killed that way. Neither did my dad or sister or husband and my then babies certainly didn't deserve the anguish my death would cause.

I guess nothing could ever hurt me so bad that I would kill myself and cause so much grief and guilt for people I love after hearing about her depth of pain. I've wanted to disappear, in an escapist kind of way, but never considered suicide after her talk.

[Walleye]

18. Yes. That was exactly what prevented me from doing it. I couldn't hurt my brothers and my best

Friend. Thank goodness they cared enough about me and let me know. I come from a small family and I didn’t wanna make it any smaller

[Tetrachloride]

2. As a matter of fact, today I had a strong set of conversations which included the topic

[bucolic_frolic]

4. Emotions and issues and exploration

Keep the S angle on the side burner - be aware, but don't legitimize the idea. That is my humble slant on it.

[Gilbert Moore]

5. It's NOT your fault !

Your husband is wrong ! You did what you thought best and felt comfortable with. You did bring up suicide, your fathers. One of the take aways I had was the note Rep. Raskin's son left.

"I'm sorry the disease won today"

Your son had professional help when he went into the hospital. You are part of this tragedy, but not the cause of it.

Peace and love to you

[progressoid]

6. this

[soldierant]

10. x 1000

[Karadeniz]

19. Absolutely!!!!

[cilla4progress]

7. I can relate to Jamie.

I recently asked my own daughter about "self-harming" when she was sharing with me her deep pain and anxiety, but couldn't manage to choke out the word suicide! There is so much terror around this for parents.... You mistakenly think that if you say it, you somehow speak it into existence.

I experienced my sister's suicide attempt as a young teenager when she was about 20. She lit her dress on fire. She had been experiencing schizophrenia for a number of years - this was in late 60s-early 70s - dark ages of understanding and treating mental illness.

The image is burned in my brain (please pardon the unintended pun) for all time, and colors my fears for my daughter.

I think one of the most important things to keep in mind is no one is to blame or at fault. Brain chemistry plays a huge role. Rationality and logic are often impotent.

I'm so sorry, jilly. I hope sharing your pain and loss here is of some comfort.

[mahatmakanejeeves]

8. I posted about suicide and youth in the Mental Health Information forum yesterday.

Sat Feb 5, 2022: What Parents Can Do When Kids Have Suicidal Thoughts

New research is uncovering warning signs that might indicate whether a child is more likely to act on suicidal thoughts. Here’s what to know.

Link to tweet

What Parents Can Do When Kids Have Suicidal Thoughts
New research is uncovering warning signs that might indicate whether a child is more likely to act on those thoughts.

HEALTH & WELLNESS

What Parents Can Do When Kids Have Suicidal Thoughts

New research is uncovering warning signs that might indicate whether a child is more likely to act on those thoughts

By Andrea Petersen
https://twitter.com/andreaapetersen
Andrea Petersen at [e-mail]
Feb. 3, 2022 12:01 am ET

Suicidal thoughts are increasingly common among teens, and cause for alarm among parents. ... Most kids don’t act on those thoughts, scientists say, but researchers are learning to better understand which youngsters are most at risk—and what parents can do to keep them safe.

New research links certain behaviors to an imminent risk of a child’s suicide attempt, including a dramatic increase in the time spent at home and a sharp rise in the use of negative words in texts and social-media posts. ... These findings are important as families, schools and therapists contend with a yearslong rise in suicidal thoughts and behaviors among teens and young adults, a trend that has grown during the pandemic.

In a June 2020 survey, 25.5% of 18-to-24 year-olds said they had seriously considered suicide during the last 30 days, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Mean weekly emergency-department visits for suspected suicide attempts rose 50.6% among 12-to-17-year-old girls in the month ended March 20, 2021, compared with the same period in 2019, according to CDC data. Among boys, those visits increased by 3.7%. ... In 2019, 18.8% of high-school students said they seriously considered attempting suicide, while 15.7% made a suicide plan and 8.9% made an attempt, according to a separate CDC survey. By comparison, 13.8% of high-schoolers reported considering suicide attempts in 2009.

Parents can reduce their teens’ risk of acting on suicidal thoughts, first by asking them openly about their feelings, psychologists say. There are strategies to make it more likely that a young person will answer honestly and guidance on what to do if your child says they are having suicidal thoughts.

{snip}

Do you need help? The contact number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255.

Write to Andrea Petersen at [e-mail]

Copyright ©2022 Dow Jones & Company, Inc. All Rights Reserved. 87990cbe856818d5eddac44c7b1cdeb8

Appeared in the February 3, 2022, print edition as 'How Parents Can Guard Kids From Suicide.'

[mommymarine2003]

9. My daughter had two suicide attempts last year.

She is currently in a facility for 45 days to help her with anxiety and depression among other things. My daughter had to flee a domestic violence situation last February, so she and one of her sons has lived with us since then. She was hospitalized about 8 times last year and was in the hospital over Christmas and only home for one day since then. It has been a real roller coaster ride and stressful beyond belief. Her estranged husband constantly tries to talk her into coming back, and she continues to still communicate with him. The last time she spent any time with him, she tried to kill herself within a week. She won't press charges because she is afraid he will lose his job because he works in a care facility with fragile adults. Every facility, hospital, doctor, and therapist has told her to leave him. Keeping her alive has been a constant battle, and I am not sure if we can save her. We have a zoom meeting with her and her therapist on Tuesday to discuss her future. In the meantime, she was diagnosed with COVID yesterday.

[cilla4progress]

12. All my blessings and goodwill to you and your family

mommymarine for you and your daughter, and your meeting on Tuesday!

I will hold you all in my heart!

Thank you for trusting us with your story.

[mommymarine2003]

14. Thank you.

One of the things I have observed with members of DU is that we all have many trials and tribulations, and the people on this site are very kind and understanding. I joined DU in 2012. Back then I was dealing with my Marine son who was suffering from two tours to Iraq. As you can see my DU name is Mommymarine2003. It took him 10 years to get his life back on track, so we have been dealing with two of our three kids who have mental health issues.

[Jilly_in_VA]

11. Not all of us

who are suicide parents are parents of young adults. My son was 38 when he took his life. He had served two tours in Iraq and apparently had seen things that scarred him deeply. Then some things happened to him after he came home that added to his PTSD. Plus he had, I am convinced (being a nurse, I could see the signs, but I couldn't convince him to get checked) post-TBI syndrome from being near concussion bombing and possibly some symptoms from exposure to burn pits. He wouldn't talk about his second tour. One of his senior officers committed suicide about 8 months before he did and that affected him deeply.

[cilla4progress]

13. How very, very painful.

War is hell.

We care here.

[mommymarine2003]

16. I posted earlier about my daughter and her suicide attempts.

I am so sorry about your son. My Marine son also came back with severe mental health issues after two tours to Iraq. He was in Communications and would call us often from Iraq. He was only home 4 months before they sent him back for his second tour, which they kept extending. He was talking suicide while he was still in Iraq, and we felt so helpless. There were many times he did not want to live. I live in the Portland, Oregon area. At the time he returned from war, we lived in Washington State. My son barely came out of his room for two years. The VA was terrible in the Seattle area. There was 1 psych doctor for 1,000 patients at American Lake in Tacoma where he went for treatment. We moved to Oregon in 2011, and the VA down here was so much better, but I spent two years driving him to therapy sessions at both the Portland and Vancouver, WA VA hospitals. It took him about 10 years to get better, and he still sees a psych doctor. One of my son's Marine buddies committed suicide soon after he got out of the Marine Corps. I feel very lucky and so sorry about the loss of your precious son. By the way, my name is Jill.

[slightlv]

15. PTSD

Comes in all flavors. I don't think we still give it enough attention. I have a grandson who fights every day against serious depression. He is on medication and, to his credit, understands his medication is there to help him and takes it every day. He is also very alert to his body telling him when a medication side affect is disadvantageous, and is not afraid of not going into work if he feels he's not able due to the depression or a med side affect. He has a good support system in his mother, as well as his grandmother (me). One day I found out he had a history of self-harming (scarring) in an effort to help ease the psychological pain. I told him I understood from a very personal level (I absolutely did), but that there was always hope as long as you stood on this side of life and besides, he would always have grandma to deal with, one way or another (gryn). He bent down and told me some days, that was what kept him going. For me and for him, that's a support system we both need. We couldn't really talk more due to circumstances at the time, but had we needed to, I know I could have taken his hand and walked him to another room and really talked to him. I think the best thing in his life was removing him from the situation and moving him up here where he had a full-fledged support system around here, that still allowed him to live his life. He's 26 and still trying to find his way. I feel so grateful that I'm allowed to be part of that, and so grateful that he really listens to his old grandma and takes to heart what I say.

[burrowowl]

20. K&R!