Florida Passes Law Granting Viruses Personhood

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Published: January 19, 2026

TALLAHASSEE, FL—In a move that supporters have called a long overdue acknowledgment of the rights that should be accorded to all infectious agents, the Florida Legislature passed HB 1637 Wednesday, a law granting viruses personhood. “Whether we’re talking about measles or hepatitis B, these are living beings who deserve our protections,” Gov. Ron DeSantis said after he signed the Viral Personhood Act into law, adding that only “fringe liberals” could deny what he described as the common-sense view that viruses are endowed with the same humanity as their host organisms.

“The moment a virus starts spreading through your bloodstream, it can feel pain, just like any other person. In fact, if any of our critics would just look at an HPV strain’s cute little histones under a microscope, they’d realize these viruses are actually a whole lot like us.” DeSantis also encouraged state lawmakers to swiftly pass a near-total ban on the use of bleach on viruses over 6 milliseconds of age.

https://theonion.com/florida-passes-law-granting-viruses-personhood/

Satire, at least for now.

[riversedge]

1. Don't put it past Florida to do stupid stuff like this!!

[LetMyPeopleVote]

2. I love the Onion