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flamingdem

(39,303 posts)
Thu Mar 27, 2014, 04:04 PM Mar 2014

The pitfalls of marrying an American woman (What Brits really think..)

* I always enjoy learning what some British people may secretly think of Yankees.

---

Here are some of the pitfalls:

snip:

Will believe in any new age BS
There is no vaguely hippy “thing”, or laughable spiritual “practice” that an American won’t fall for. Chakras must be in alignment. Ley lines must be consulted. And at all times, one must drown any vestige of reason or logic in one’s head with gallons of kombucha. Is there any beverage more perfect for the gullible?
It tastes like balsamic urine, looks like toxic waste and costs more than champagne. Therefore, it must be good for you! Mr Martin, you’re lucky. You can junk all that gong-ringing, yoga-farting, macrobiotic nonsense and get back to your roots: solid English scepticism, served with a Cornish pasty.

Swapping hands with cutlery
For a nation supposedly all about efficiency, the American way of handling cutlery is enough to drive a decent person mad. They don’t hold their fork in their left hand and knife in their right, like any normal human. They cut their food that way, then put both utensils down, then switch their fork into their right hand, and only THEN begin scooping food into their mouths. And this happens dozens of times per meal. And they have the nerve to think the way WE eat is weird.


here are some benefits ...

Down to earth
Americans are so wonderfully, sincerely down-to-earth, we have trouble believing it. To the cynical British mind, any genuine pleasure in meeting a new person is a sign of potential mental illness. But Americans actually want to make new friends. They want to get along with you, stranger. It makes one’s like infinitely more interesting to have an American around, because you meet EVERYONE. It’s like permanently going through life with a puppy, or the latest iPhone.

They actually enjoy sex
Every British man is scarred by adolescent experiences with some haughty deb, with more passion for her childhood horse than any part of the human male. The chance to be with a woman who actually enjoys the hanky-panky? Instead of infantilising the glorious sex act with hideous British euphemisms like “hanky-panky”? This is a gift that lasts a lifetime.

Incredible teeth
Seriously. Where are the British orthodontists? Why do we let them get away with the substandard job they are clearly doing? An American can say silly stuff, do silly things, and annoy you more than nails down a chalkboard … but at the end of the day, one flash of those perfect, pearly white chompers

etc.

Tom Cowell is a writer and comedian living in New York. He can be found tweeting @mrtomcowell

6 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
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The pitfalls of marrying an American woman (What Brits really think..) (Original Post) flamingdem Mar 2014 OP
I agree about the dentistry and orthodontry. Many a beautiful Brit face is ruined when they smile Cleita Mar 2014 #1
The character of Basil played by John Cleese in Fawlty Towers TlalocW Mar 2014 #2
I learned how to keep my fork in the same hand Kurovski Mar 2014 #5
LOL. I used to make fun of myself RainDog Mar 2014 #3
We are a bit puppy like as a rule flamingdem Mar 2014 #4
Thankfully RainDog Mar 2014 #6

Cleita

(75,480 posts)
1. I agree about the dentistry and orthodontry. Many a beautiful Brit face is ruined when they smile
Thu Mar 27, 2014, 04:14 PM
Mar 2014

displaying badly taken care of teeth.

TlalocW

(15,358 posts)
2. The character of Basil played by John Cleese in Fawlty Towers
Thu Mar 27, 2014, 04:55 PM
Mar 2014

Is based off a rude English innkeeper at whose inn the Pythons stayed once. One of the things he did was constantly insult Terry Gilliam (the only American) for his switching his fork from hand to hand while eating his meat.

I've never learned to do this actually. I'm right-handed and cut up vegetables, meat, etc. when I'm cooking with my right hand, but when eating, I cut with my left because I'm more comfortable scooping food with my right.

And there's plenty of belief in woo in England. Dowsers, palm readers, etc. abound.

TlalocW

Kurovski

(34,655 posts)
5. I learned how to keep my fork in the same hand
Fri Mar 28, 2014, 01:56 AM
Mar 2014

out of dread fear of Europeans!

But then I was already prone to be a one-handed meat eater.

RainDog

(28,784 posts)
3. LOL. I used to make fun of myself
Thu Mar 27, 2014, 09:18 PM
Mar 2014

and said I was like a golden retriever puppy. I totally get that one.

Since my ex was from Europe, I started eating the more efficient way, but I switch hit on that one. One time I was at a lunch meeting and my boss wasn't familiar and gave me this look like I was licking my fingers at a table as we sat with her bosses, so I switched. That was a weird moment.

Not down with the new age stuff, tho.

...guess I have to turn in my American woman card.

flamingdem

(39,303 posts)
4. We are a bit puppy like as a rule
Fri Mar 28, 2014, 01:27 AM
Mar 2014

I'm a half n half with one UK parent so I'm half dour and half yappy puppy, it's no so easy even though the cultures are thought to be similar there are differences.

Also, I'm still a mess with cutlery. I don't even know what I do but it was totally confusing growing up and seeing two eating styles. I stick with sandwiches

The new age stuff embarrasses me but when in Rome... and it's true that in England they're into some wacky things like Reichian energy, pagan rituals (I like those) and covens!

RainDog

(28,784 posts)
6. Thankfully
Fri Mar 28, 2014, 10:09 AM
Mar 2014

I learned not to lick people's faces when I first meet them.

I'm much more "reserved" now. People used to think my ex was "very European" because he was reserved - but the reality was that he was just shy. I picked up some of that, I suppose, along with the holding utensils thing. Actually, there are other reasons my personality changed somewhat - I'm still the same, I just don't let people see it as often, maybe.

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