An Irishman moves into a town in County Kerry. He walks into the local pub, orders three pints...

[ornotna]

Last edited Fri Dec 29, 2017, 05:38 PM - Edit history (1)

. . . takes them to a table and proceeds to drink them taking his time. He repeats this two times and then leaves the pub.

A few nights later he returns to the pub, orders three pints of Guinness, takes them to a table and drinks them taking his time. He repeats this two times and leaves the pub. He continues this for several weeks. Soon the entire town is talking about the "Three Pint Man."

Finally, one day the pub owner on behalf of the entire town broaches the subject to the man. "I don't mean to pry, but folks are quite curious why you order three pints each time you come in ."

The man replied, "I have two brothers - one in America and one in Australia. When we parted ways we all promised that each time we had a drink, we would order an extra two pints as a way of keeping up with each other."

The pub owner and the entire town thought this was wonderful and were pleased that the brothers meant so much to each other. "The Three Pint Man" became a celebrity not only to the town but to the surrounding area.

One day the man came into the pub and orders only two pints of Guinness. The pub owner poured them with a heavy heart knowing in his soul that something dreadful must have happened. The news spreads around town and people are offering prays for the "Three Pint Man."

This went on for a few weeks and the pub owner says to the man, "I want to offer our condolences due to death of your brother. We are all heart broken. You know the two pints and all."

The man ponders this for a few minutes and replies, "You will be glad to hear that my brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, myself, have decided to give up Guinness for Lent."

*Feel free to add your own.*

[ornotna]

1. Pat had a brand new motorcycle, and was taking a Mike for a ride.

Because of the wind, Mike put his jacket on backwards to cut down on the draft. Well they were whizzing down the road at a terrific pace, when Pat finally noticed that Mike was no longer on the bike behind him!

He turned the bike around and retraced his route until he came upon a group of farmers standing around Mikes figure on the road. “Glory be!” exclaimed Pat “How is he?”

“Well,” one of the farmers allowed, “He seemed to be doing alright, until we twisted his head back around to the front. He hasn’t said much since.”

[MFM008]

2. oh my

Im SICK of we Irish always being shown as as DRUNKS.

I myself have not been an alcoholic in quite a few years, as have my brother.................
My son and sister have recently quit before their livers melted out their asses....
My Uncle now just drinks 151 all day beginning AFTER breakfast...
frankly I dont know where this myth comes from......

[Orange Free State]

3. Two Irish Catholics were walking along the road....

when they saw an Anglican Priest wearing vestments, walking towards them. “Top of the morning to ye, Father”, said the first Irishman. “And to you too, my son”. With that, the second Irishman elbowed the first painfully in the ribs. Once out of earshot of the Anglican, he said “Do NOT be calling that man Father! He’s got five children!”

[rpannier]

7. I always love that joke

[ornotna]

4. No Irish were harmed in the telling of this joke

A Texan, a New Yorker, and a New Jersey resident were drinking . . .

. . . their favorite beverage in a bar. The Texan drained his glass of tequila, threw the half-full bottle up in the air, drew and fired his pistol, shattering the bottle.

The other two were shocked at his ruining perfectly good tequila. The Texan, however, simply drew himself up and announced: "Where I come from, we have plenty of tequila."

The New Yorker, not to be outdone, drained his glass of wine, threw the half-full wine bottle into the air, drew and fired his pistol, also shattering his bottle. Looking over at the other two with an air of superiority characteristic of New Yorkers, he announced, "Where I come from, we have plenty of fine wine and the best of everything."

The New Jersey resident drained his bottle of Yuengling Lager, threw it up in the air, drew his pistol and shot the New Yorker dead. He then caught the bottle on the way down and showed it to the Texan: "Where I come from," he said slowly, "we recycle bottles...and we have too many New Yorkers."

[ornotna]

5. A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem . . .

. . .I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. They only know how to say, 'Hi, We're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

[ornotna]

6. Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. . .

. . . They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there, and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed, she explained, and I'm afraid the neighbors would talk if I let you stay in my house".

"Don't worry, " Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep out in the barn". She let them settle in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determine that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he and Bob met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his old friend Bob and asked,

"Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North"?

Bob nodded, and said "Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit"?

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name"?

"Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy. I'm afraid I did". Why do you ask"?

"She just died and left me everything"!

[sab390]

8. Rose and Bernice

Rose and Bernice meet in the street, Rose says my son my son I feed him good Jewish food take him to synagogue every Saturday I send him to the university he becomes a Christian what will I do. Bernice doesn't know. They meet later. Rose Rose my son my son. I feed him good Jewish food take him to the synagogue every Saturday and Wednesday I send him to the university he becomes a Christian what should I do. Rose says I know we will go to the rabbi. Rabbi our sons. Ach, don't tell me about sons I feed him good Jewish food take him to the synagogue every day I send him to the university he becomes a Christian what will we do. I know we will ask the Lord. Lord Lord our sons our sons Ach don't tell me about sons.

[ornotna]

9. !

[customerserviceguy]

10. Oh, this is so

getting repeated at my local pub!

[ornotna]

11. I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar

and was told by my wife that I had a drinking problem and to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

[ornotna]

12. A drunk walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink...

... pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that, and hands the man the bill. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day, the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender figures that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt. He pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself, and hands the drunk the bill.

Again, the drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, and then throws him out into the street.

The next day, the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink and give me the bill."

In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies, "Nope! You get too violent when you drink."

[A HERETIC I AM]

31. LOL...I like this one!

[Martin Eden]

13. A Scotsman, an Englishmen, and an Irishman brag about their favorite pubs

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's.... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
"Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me-self, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

[Orange Free State]

14. A traveling saleswoman was lost in West Virginia...

...on a stormy night. Needing a place to stay, she drove up to a cabin with a light in the window. She knocked, and when an old man answered, she asked if she could stay the night. He said “You can stay, but you’ll have to share a room with my two teenage sons. They’re horny, but I’ll tell them to leave you alone.” He told his sons “This woman will be staying the night, and if you do anything to get her pregnant I’ll whop you both good!” The saleswoman and the boys bedded down for the night, and when the old man was asleep, she said “How would you boys like to have some fun?”They said “ Oh no, If you got pregnant Pa would kill us!” She produced two condoms and said with a smile, “Just remember, as long as you boys keep these on, I won’t get pregnant”So they enjoyed themselves greatly and she left in the morning.

Weeks passed, and they both became very ill. “Musta caught something from that woman” said the one brother. “Waaaal, I don’t care if she DOES get pregnant, I’m takin this thing OFF!”

[Martin Eden]

16. Good one! n/t

[ornotna]

15. Pat was married...

...and his wife was irritated to no end about him all the time stumbling home all drunk and throwing up in her kitchen sink. After warning him of the possibilities of actually throwing up his guts, she decided to teach him a lesson. She went by the butcher shop and got a section of pig intestines, brought them home, and tossed them into the sink, then went to bed.

As usual, after a while, Pat came noisily home, and tossed up into the sink. Pat’s wife, lying in bed smiled at the dead silence that followed. “That should teach the fool” she thought.

After a while, Pat stumbled into the bedroom, and prepared for bed. His wife called out to him, “How is everything, Pat?”

Pat turned to her sheepishly and confessed,”You were right, darlin. I finally threw up my guts like you said I would someday.”

“But, it’s OK” he went on. “With a little bit of lard and the broom-handle, I got them all back down again!”

[Beartracks]

17. Ahh, thanks for the laughs people!

[sab390]

18. It's all we can do now

We've got some health, a bit of time, and a last chance to laugh. All of the entertainers were rich in the depression.

[Orange Free State]

19. Im thinking of becoming a mohel....

...sure, the pay isn’t that great but you always get a tip.

[In_The_Wind]

20. oy

[ornotna]

21. An American walks into an Irish pub and says ...

... "I'll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness's in 10 minutes."

Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations. One guy even leaves the bar.

A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?"

"Sure," he says.

So the bartender lines 10 Guinness' up on the bar the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes.

As the American hands over the money he asks, "Where did you go when you just left?"

The Irishman answers, "I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it."

[ornotna]

22. A good samaritan was walking home late one night ...

... when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep".

Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.

Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man."

"He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"

[panader0]

23. A very drunk man staggered into a Catholic church.

He went into the confessional booth. The priest, seeing how drunk he was
decided to give him a few minutes to contemplate his sins.
After a bit he slid the window open and said "Now my son, how may
I help you?" "Yeah buddy, you got any paper on your side?"

[ornotna]

24. "In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria."

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it is better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.

[jmowreader]

25. The Trump fan in the bar...

A guy wearing a MAGA hat walked into The Blue Donkey. There are about six people in there, plus one bartender. The bartender told him, "this might not be the right place for you."

"Oh, bull. This is a bar, isn't it? Give me a Budweiser."

The guy drinks the Bud then starts talking shit about everything liberals believe in. After a half-hour of this abuse, four big guys grab him, haul him to the back door and throw him out so hard his head bounces off the building on the other side of the alley.

The next night he walks in, orders a Budweiser, starts talking shit about liberals, and the same four big guys throw him out of the bar. They return to the applause of twenty liberals.

By the end of the week, so many people come to The Blue Donkey to see this guy get thrown out that the bartender has to hire five servers and three more bartenders.

Well...it's Saturday. The same asshole walked in and ordered a Coors. Four hundred people start moaning.

"But you always drink Bud!" the bartender said.

"I had to change," said the Trump fan. "Budweiser makes my head hurt."

[tblue37]

33. I heard that joke in a much nastier version back in the 1970s. nt

[MyOwnPeace]

26. Michael and Kelly were

on their way out for a Saturday night in Dublin. Passing the church Michael says, "I've gotta' go in and make confession before we go on."

So he goes in and sit down and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned. I've had relations with someone that wasn't my wife."

"Well," says the priest, "I'll only give you absolution if you tell me who it was."

"Oh, no, Father, I couldn't do that."

The priest said, "What if I ask a name. Will you tell me if it was her?"

"Well, OK, Father, I guess I could do that."

"OK," said the priest. "Was it Mrs. Sullivan?"

"Oh, no, Father."

"Was it Mrs. O'Hara?"

"No, Father, it wasn't her."

"Well then, was it Mrs. Kelly?"

"Nope, never met her."

The priest was exasperated and said, "Well, I don't have time for any more of this. If you won't tell me who it was then you may as well leave."

Going back to his buddy outside, Kelly asked, "Well, did you get forgiveness?"

"No" said Michael, "but I got 3 good leads!"

[Glorfindel]

27. A drunk man is staggering down the street...

when he meets two nuns. The nuns move apart and pass on either side of him. The drunk stops dead in his tracks, scratches his head, and says, "How the hell did she DO that?"

[d_r]

28. Two guys are sitting

Next to each other in a bar. One guy says "I'm going to drink a toast to Ireland, the mother country."
The second man says "You're Irish? I'm Irish too!"
And they celebrate and drink a toast.
The first guy says "I'm from Boston" and the second says "me too!" And they celebrate and toast.
And they keep on. What neighborhood? Me too, celebrate and toast. What school? Me too, celebrate and toast. What teacher? Me too, celebrate and toast.

And on and on toasting the coincidences. Finally a third guy comes by and sees this commotion and asks the bartender what is going on. The bartender says "Ah, nothing, just the O'Malley twins drunk again."

[Irish_Dem]

29. In my family, this isn't a joke. It is just the way you order at a bar. :(

[ornotna]

30. A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" . . .

. . .The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut? "The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half. "The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop, and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house!"

[tblue37]

32. Three men are playing golf. One hits his ball into the lake, throws his club down in disgust, then

walks out on the water to retrieve the errant ball.

"Whoa!" one man says to the other. "Who does he think he is--Jesus Christ?"

"No," says his friend. "He is Jesus Christ. He thinks He's Arnold Palmer."

[SeattleVet]

34. Two nuns walk into a liquor store and ask for a fifth of bourbon.

The clerk says, "Why, sisters, what in the world are you thinking, buying booze like this?"

One of the nuns answers, "Oh, no...you have the wrong idea. This is medicinal! It's for the Mother Superior's constipation."

He sells them the bottle.

A few hours later as he's closing up shop he goes out into the alley to take out the trash, and there he finds the two nuns out by the dumpster, too drunk to even stand up anymore.

"Sisters! You told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"

One nun looks up at him and says, "You bet your sweet little ass it is, big boy. When she sees us in this condition, she's gonna shit!"