Know any good "walks into a bar" jokes?

[red dog 1]

A rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder.
The bartender says: "Where did you get that?"
The frog replies: "Brooklyn..There's hundreds of 'em"

[muntrv]

1. A termite walks into a bar and asks

"Is the bartender here?"

[zanana1]

25. I love that one. nt

[crazycatlady]

2. here you go

A Nazi, a con man, and a Twitter troll walk into a bar.
The bartender says "What can I get you Mr. President?"
A White Russian.

[longship]

3. A priest, a Rabbi, and an Imam walk into a bar.

The bartender says: What is this? Some kind of a joke?

[Glorfindel]

4. A skeleton walks into a bar

and orders a beer and a mop.

[LuckyCharms]

5. Pony walks into a bar and takes a seat.

He orders a beer.

Bartender gets a bit distracted and shakily says...Uh, yeah, sure, one beer coming up. Give me one second though, I need to go in the back room. I'll be right back.

The bartender runs back to the kitchen and yells out to the staff...Holy shit guys! Come out and look at this! There's a pony sitting at the bar, and he's hung like a freaking horse!

[Ohiogal]

6. A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

[LuckyCharms]

7. A glum looking horse walks into a bar.

Bartender says...Why the long face?

Horse says...I got the trots.

[LuckyCharms]

8. Pirate walks into a bar

He has a ship steering wheel attached to the front of his pants.

Bartender says...Hey matey. Do you know you have a steering wheel on your pants?

Pirate says...Arghhh... it's driving me nuts.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

12. Another pirate walks into a bar.

The bartender asks him why he has a peg leg. The pirate says, "Arrgh, I lost me leg in a battle at sea." Then the bartender asks him why he has a hook instead of a right hand. The pirate says, "Well, I lost me hand in another battle at sea." And then the bartender asks him why he wears an eye patch. The pirate says, "Arrgh, me boy, I lost me eye when a sea gull shat in it." The bartender is surprised, and asks how in the world sea gull shit could cause him to lose his eye. And the pirate says, "Well, it happened just after I got me hook..."

[LuckyCharms]

17. LOL!

Good one!

[red dog 1]

29. Good one!

[Major Nikon]

9. Guy walks into a bar...

Sees a monkey sitting on the bar shoving peanuts into his ass before he eats them.

Guy says to the bartender, "That's one stupid monkey"

Bartender says, "No, that's one smart monkey. Last month he ate the cue ball off the pool table and couldn't pass it. Now he checks everything for size first."

[ornotna]

18. That's a keeper

[Alpeduez21]

10. Two lawyers walk into a bar

You'd think the second would've seen it.

[milestogo]

11. Jesus walks into a bar and sets three nails down on the counter

Says to the bartender "Hey, could you put me up for the night?"

[yankeepants]

13. Giraffe walks into a bar

And says “the high balls are on me!”

[TlalocW]

14. A thousand lemmings walk into a bar

WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM

A guy walks into a bar on the top floor of a hotel. Another guy tells him, "Did you know at this height, you can step out of that window over there, and the air currents will support you?" First guy says that's bullshit so the second walks out the window and floats in the air for a few seconds before coming back in. Second guy says, "I've gotta try that!" and walks out the window and falls 50 stories to his death.

Bartender says, "You're a real bastard when you're drunk, Superman."

TlalocW

[TlalocW]

15. Three logicians walk into a bar

Bartender says, "Do you all want a beer?"
First logician says, "I don't know."
Second logician says, "I don't know."
Third logician says, "Yes."

TlalocW

[TlalocW]

16. A guy walks into a bar

And angrily yells at the bartender, "What the hell were you serving me last night? I went home and immediately BLEW CHUNKS!"
Bartender asks what he had to drink. Guy sounds off a long list of beverages he had the previous night.
"Listen, buddy," says the bartender, "Anyone would throw up after drinking that much."
Guy responds, "You don't understand. Chunks is my dog!"

TlalocW

[Brother Buzz]

19. Afraid not

A length of rope walks into a bar.
The bartender looks at him and says "get out, we don't serve ropes in here!"
The rope goes outside and cuts himself in half and ties his two sections together.
Not pleased with his appearance, he takes a comb and combs out his ends.
He walks back into the bar and the bartender says "hey, aren't you that rope I just kicked out?"
And the rope replied "no, I'm a frayed knot."

[SchrodingersCatbox]

20. A neutron walks into a bar

And asks the price of a beer.
The bartender says, "For you, no charge"

Another:

And orders a beer.
A tachyon walks into a bar

One more:

A Higgs boson walks into a Catholic church. The priest exclaims "You have to leave, you're not allowed in here!"

The Higgs boson replies, "But you can't have mass without me!"

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

21. Not a walks-into-a-bar joke, but your name made me think of this one:

Heisenberg, Schrödinger and Ohm are taking a road trip, with Heisenberg at the wheel. A cop pulls them over, and asks Heisenberg, "Did you know you were doing 80 miles an hour?" and Heisenberg says, "Damn, now I'm lost!" The cop thinks these guys are kind of odd, so he tells Heisenberg to pop the trunk. He goes to check it out, and says, "Hey, did you know you've got a dead cat back here?" "We do now, asshole!" Schrödinger yells. The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

[SchrodingersCatbox]

22. Love it!

[edbermac]

23. A guy walks into a bar...

And suffered a mild concussion.



A guy walks into a bar. There's nobody there except the bartender and a beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar. The man says, "I'm buying that woman a drink." The bartender says, "You don't want to do that. She's a lesbian." The man says, "I don't care, give the drink." After the woman gets the drink, she raises the glass to her benefactor. The man strolls over to her. He says, "Hi. I'm Bill Williams from Terre Haute. So how are things in Beirut?"

E-flat walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don't serve minors”.

Times New Roman, Arial, Verdana and Sans Serif walk into a bar. Bartender says, “Sorry guys, we don't want your type in here.”

An Irishman walks out of a bar...

[Orrex]

24. Two chemists walk into a bar

"I'll have an H20," says the first, and he drinks it.

"I'll have an H20 too," says the second and he drinks it and dies.

[rzemanfl]

26. A woman walks into a bar and says,

"Give me twelve Budweisers, ice cold, lined up with the caps off...." The rest of the joke I can't tell here. But I know it.

[Wounded Bear]

27. A magician walks down the street and turns into a bar...

[Aristus]

28. Two atoms are walking down the street.

The first one says: "I just lost an electron!"

The second one asks: "Are you sure?"

The first one replies: "I'm positive!"

[Le Gaucher]

30. A dyslexic walks into a bra.

[rusty quoin]

31. Warning: This one is disgusting.

A vampire walks into a bar:

Vampire1. Give me a shot of blood.
The bartender pours it he drinks it down and leaves.

Vampire2. Give me a shot of blood.
The bartender pours it he drinks it down and leaves.

Vampire3.
Bartender. I know.. I know. You want a shot of blood.
Vampire3. No thank you. I’ll have a cup of hot water.
Bartender. A cup of hot water?
Vampire3 pulls out a tampon from his pocket.
“Yes, I’m having tea.”

[sakabatou]

32. A neutron walks into a bar

"How much for a pint of beer?"
"For you," the bartender replied, "No charge."