Elder parents committing fraud and threatening, anyone been through this?

[cpamomfromtexas]

This is a long nightmare, history of domestic abuse as a child and young adult. Had a few years of peace, but my father got severely abusive again a few years ago. I cut off almost all contact since I began having flashbacks of traumatic events. Lots of therapy in the last year, but the last few weeks have been traumatic. I firmly believe both parents are narcissists but one is dominant.


I just found out elder parent signed a contract with a company (representing that he was authorized to do so) and cashed a check when he did not have the legal right to do so. When the company found out they contacted me and all of this was news to me. He took the money and gave a bunch to my siblings and well, you get the picture. The parents called and made threats for me to basically cover for their crimes and sign the contract with the company (they returned money to company) telling me I had 24 hours to make a decision or they would consider "cutting me out of estate" (he just tried to steal what my grandparents left me) and after a week I am still in shock and angry.

I did record the call. I am doing a lot of research to determine how to handle. I hate to see 80 year olds die in prison so am considering a contract that if they violate it, then I press charges.

So far I am counting 6 or 7 crimes.

What would you do if you were in a fragile emotional state like I am? I have a badass attorney, but in my state processing this is still difficult.

[dhol82]

1. any chance dementia might be setting in?

They are the right age and elders can do some really weird stuff when they are in the dementia loop.

[cpamomfromtexas]

12. He was always this way. I think he was always a narcissist

But everything’s just enhanced now.

My mother says she can’t remember getting beaten up. But she is crazy too.

I can’t believe I survived them. My Grandmother gave me someone to look up to. It was a nightmare at home.

[AJT]

2. I would divorce myself from the situation and leave it to the "bad ass" attorney.,

as long as you trust this attorney.

[cpamomfromtexas]

3. Best friends growing up, 1st in his law school class, trust him with my life.

[elleng]

4. Good. We're with you.

[cpamomfromtexas]

5. Thank you, I feel so on edge and alone.

I hate that they bring out the nightmare memories in me. My grandmother would never have left him in charge if she had known. I didn't tell her all of the things I should have but now I'm learning that kids frequently don't tell.

I'm glad society is changing and kids know they can tell adults. In a small town, I really felt like I had no one to tell. And if I did, and he found out about it, he might kill me.

I look back at photos of myself and I was so terrified I could barely eat. I literally looked like a concentration camp survivor. I look severely stressed in almost every photo.

I can't believe all of this is popping out so many years later. Pretty scary stuff.

[elleng]

6. I'm sure you do feel alone,

and very glad you have a good friend speaking in your interest.

[AJT]

7. Then trust him to do what is best and allow for you to keep an emotionally safe distance.

I assume he knows your history with your parents and would always put your needs first.

[cpamomfromtexas]

8. Yes, he's a pro

[AJT]

9. More than that, he's a trusted friend.

[no_hypocrisy]

10. Agreeing with AJT. DON'T TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THIS DECISION.

Let your attorney handle it.

And personal experience talking to you: be prepared to be "left out" of the Will. I had a father like yours and my siblings would warn me to be careful or Dad would leave me out of the Will. Well, he died and to show that he loved us all the same, he left ALL OF US out of the Will and devised $35,000 to the neighbor across the street. Don't let your father control you with that threat.

[cpamomfromtexas]

13. I had gotten there with therapy but his recent

Crimes put me back a step or two.

The last thing they want is for me to come back stronger but I always do.

And you are right. He is pissed I can make it without them.

If he dies in prison I admit that would make me happy.

[no_hypocrisy]

16. Dear cpamomfromtexas,

I speak to you with empathy and compassion. Today I may have discovered what was wrong with my father, my childhood, etc. and it may apply to you: the dark triad. Wikipedia the term and then read some articles like this one: http://flyingmonkeysdenied.com/2016/03/08/growing-up-the-child-of-a-dark-tetrad-or-dark-triad-power-couple/

Please remember that your sanity is NOT FOR SALE. I am glad you posted tonight. We are here for you.

[cpamomfromtexas]

17. Thank you!

[cpamomfromtexas]

20. Its an amazing website. I ran across it doing my homework.

[enough]

11. When the elderly parents go around the bend, it's hard to believe how deeply it affects

your own mental state. This is why it’s so good that you have an effective lawyer who knows you and whom you trust. Best to back away as much as you possibly can and let the attorney deal with it.

Hoping the best for you, and it looks as if you’re on the right track. These family struggles often can never be resolved psychologically, but your trusted attorney can keep you from getting abused again in a different way.

[cpamomfromtexas]

14. Yes and thank you.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

15. Let your badass attorney handle it and keep as much distance as you can.

If you get too emotionally tangled up in this, it's not likely to end well. Being cut out of their estate isn't good, but it might be a small price to pay for not getting embroiled in an unpleasant family situation that could go on for years.

[WhiteTara]

18. You are reliving your childhood trauma.

Let your badass attorney do their job. Step back, save yourself.

[cpamomfromtexas]

19. Working hard to make it stop.

Some days ok some days are nightmares

[WhiteTara]

21. I truly understand. My parents are both dead

my mother and I reconciled after he died and we were able to talk about her participation in our torture. But yours sound even more horrible and I am so sorry that you have gone through all you have. I'm glad you are in therapy. I spent one day a week with a therapist for over 3 years and we untangled so much, I hope that for you too. You deserve to thrive as a human, but if you let that rock of your parents drag you under water, you will drown. Let the attorney earn his/her keep.

[cpamomfromtexas]

22. Glad you could reconcile. I am not holding my breath

In high school I had a friend who had been brainwashed. In her recovery she said she came out angry. In many respects I see parallels as I have come out angry too.

It doesn’t help when I see his behavior and mannerisms in Trump.

[WhiteTara]

25. I came out angry too

which I think is good thing. Anger helps move energy and make new choices. Of course, if you make your choices during great anger, you can become quite deluded as to the true way to move. I still vote for the badass lawyer!

[Rhiannon12866]

23. I don't have a solution to your heartbreaking dilemma, but I can recommend ACOA

It's not just for adult children of alcoholics, but for anyone struggling with parental dysfunction or abuse:

http://www.adultchildren.org/

[cpamomfromtexas]

29. Thank you.

[raven mad]

24. Get to an elder-care advocate and get an attorney.

We had to do this with my dad-in-love; his Alzheimer's would allow for nothing less. THE most wonderful guy I've ever met, and seriously had no brain cells left in year 9 through 10.

Keep recording everything. We were lucky; his will was in order and all bequests made including a video in the attorney's office a few years before.

If it's legally your money, almost any elder-care advocate (like the folks do in hospice care) can give you a referral. Hold your head up; there's a solution.

[cpamomfromtexas]

27. Thank you. I will look into that.

[Cary]

26. I'm sorry

I'm an attorney who does primarily probate and estate planning. These are difficult situations. In my opinion in, having seen this many times, it's not worth the emotional distress. But that is just my opinion. I would walk away.

Is it your responsibility to press charges? If.that would make you feel better then you should do it but I bet that turns out to be empty too. Preventing someone else from being victimized would be positive but that doesn't sound like what is happening here.

[cpamomfromtexas]

28. I tried to do just that two years ago but his actions

These last few weeks (just now finding out about it) Pulled me back in. Now I have to somehow get myself out without losing too much in the process. In between panic attacks from c-ptsd (decades of dealing with people like this does a bit of damage) I have to try to be a business woman. Reconciling the two halves is running me through the wringer.

I think feeling like I’ve been assaulted yet again is the hard part.

He made siblings accessories and if their employers get wind of this they are toast.

[Cary]

30. So....

You have a choice. You do have the power to walk away.

You don't have to walk away but you need to know that you have that power. I tell my clients that I don't have their answer.but I can tell them what I would do if it were me and what I would do is walk away.

Here is what happens:

1) they give me a large retainer;

2) I go through that retainer like a hot knife through butter because a lawyer has to be aggressive on these cases;

3) client runs out of money making me either have to quit or effectively give them an interest freeoan;

4) I am a sucker so I don't withdraw, but that isn't good because I don't have resources to do things right when I am not being paid;

5) since the client isn't paying they don't accept settlements and get mad at me for telling them to accept.

I actually had one fire me after I insisted that she needed to take a.$200,000 settlement. I dont know how much she owed me. A few years later she settled for $15,000. I have no idea what she paid.her second attorney. I called her to express sympathy and she got abusive with me claiming I didn't tell her that the trustee had access to trust funds to fight her claim. Mind you she fired me for pushing her to settle and she stiffed me out of like $20,000.

So maybe that gives you some perspective.

[WhiteTara]

31. Here is an OP from today that answers this quesion

Kafka writes about this.
https://www.democraticunderground.com/100210659711#post1

Big

[cpamomfromtexas]

34. Very informative. Thank you. I am not alone.

[Duppers]

32. Both hubs and I had to "divorce" our parents.

Decades ago. He forfeited a quite a large inheritance but it was worth it.

Keep your distance and sanity. Let your attorney handle the mess.

My 2 cents. Wishing you good luck.

[cpamomfromtexas]

35. Nice to know I am not the only one.

I never thought I would be drug into the middle of something like this.

[lunatica]

33. There is a basic truth about making hard decisions

There are only two ways we make decisions, as strange as that sounds. Either we choose to do what we want or we choose to do what is right.

Keep in mind that choosing to do what is right means everyone can benefit IF they also choose to. And choosing what is right is not always the easier choice. Sometimes the benefit comes by learning a hard lesson.

Everyone is accountable for what they do, or don’t do. Everyone.

I hope this helps a little. Just stop beating yourself up, no matter what you do. Ultimately you must feel that you did the right thing.

[cpamomfromtexas]

36. Excellent advice. Thank you.