HomeLatest ThreadsGreatest ThreadsForums & GroupsMy SubscriptionsMy Posts
DU Home » Latest Threads » Forums & Groups » Main » The DU Lounge (Forum) » Somebody tell me a funny ...

Fri Jun 22, 2018, 02:30 PM

Somebody tell me a funny joke. Spent too much time in GD.

44 replies, 1235 views

Reply to this thread

Back to top Alert abuse

Always highlight: 10 newest replies | Replies posted after I mark a forum
Replies to this discussion thread
Arrow 44 replies Author Time Post
Reply Somebody tell me a funny joke. Spent too much time in GD. (Original post)
sinkingfeeling Jun 2018 OP
htuttle Jun 2018 #1
sinkingfeeling Jun 2018 #10
pnwest Jun 2018 #2
mahatmakanejeeves Jun 2018 #3
sinkingfeeling Jun 2018 #9
rurallib Jun 2018 #33
pbmus Jun 2018 #4
CrispyQ Jun 2018 #5
sinkingfeeling Jun 2018 #8
Coventina Jun 2018 #6
sinkingfeeling Jun 2018 #7
Vinnie From Indy Jun 2018 #11
sinkingfeeling Jun 2018 #12
Vinnie From Indy Jun 2018 #32
mahatmakanejeeves Jun 2018 #13
sinkingfeeling Jun 2018 #15
Turbineguy Jun 2018 #29
CrispyQ Jun 2018 #31
underpants Jun 2018 #14
sinkingfeeling Jun 2018 #16
DFW Jun 2018 #17
sinkingfeeling Jun 2018 #18
red dog 1 Jun 2018 #19
sinkingfeeling Jun 2018 #20
red dog 1 Jun 2018 #22
red dog 1 Jun 2018 #21
sinkingfeeling Jun 2018 #24
SeattleVet Jun 2018 #23
sinkingfeeling Jun 2018 #25
rurallib Jun 2018 #34
samnsara Jun 2018 #26
sinkingfeeling Jun 2018 #27
Turbineguy Jun 2018 #28
sinkingfeeling Jun 2018 #30
jmowreader Jun 2018 #35
sinkingfeeling Jun 2018 #40
Ron Obvious Jun 2018 #36
sinkingfeeling Jun 2018 #41
Generic Brad Jun 2018 #37
sinkingfeeling Jun 2018 #42
Xolodno Jun 2018 #38
sinkingfeeling Jun 2018 #43
OilemFirchen Jun 2018 #39
sinkingfeeling Jun 2018 #44

Response to sinkingfeeling (Original post)

Fri Jun 22, 2018, 02:31 PM

1. A Priest, a Rabbi and an Irishman walk into a bar

Bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to htuttle (Reply #1)

Fri Jun 22, 2018, 02:46 PM

10. Cute.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to sinkingfeeling (Original post)

Fri Jun 22, 2018, 02:31 PM

2. The pollen is SO bad this year...

...they're turning Meth back into Sudafed.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to pnwest (Reply #2)

Fri Jun 22, 2018, 02:33 PM

3. That's funny. Thanks. NT

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to pnwest (Reply #2)

Fri Jun 22, 2018, 02:46 PM

9. Thanks.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to pnwest (Reply #2)

Fri Jun 22, 2018, 08:09 PM

33. where can I get some? I can't find any Sudafed

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to sinkingfeeling (Original post)

Fri Jun 22, 2018, 02:34 PM

4. Need some George...

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to sinkingfeeling (Original post)

Fri Jun 22, 2018, 02:39 PM

5. The past, the present & the future walked into a bar.

It was tense.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to CrispyQ (Reply #5)

Fri Jun 22, 2018, 02:45 PM

8. Cute.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to sinkingfeeling (Original post)

Fri Jun 22, 2018, 02:44 PM

6. Did you hear about the two TV antennae that got married?

They said the ceremony was boring but the reception was great!!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Coventina (Reply #6)

Fri Jun 22, 2018, 02:45 PM

7. Thanks.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to sinkingfeeling (Original post)

Fri Jun 22, 2018, 03:09 PM

11. My Wife... she likes to talk during sex.

Last night she called me from a hotel!

Thanks Rodney!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Vinnie From Indy (Reply #11)

Fri Jun 22, 2018, 03:10 PM

12. That got a smile.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Vinnie From Indy (Reply #11)

Fri Jun 22, 2018, 08:04 PM

32. How dirty do you want it?

What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?




I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to sinkingfeeling (Original post)

Fri Jun 22, 2018, 03:18 PM

13. A Priest, a Doctor, and an Engineer are playing golf

A Priest, a Doctor, and an Engineer are playing golf

An engineer, a priest, and a doctor are trying to enjoying a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the greenkeeper for an explanation. “That’s a group of blind firefighters,” they are told. “They lost their sight saving our clubhouse last year, so we let them play for free.”

The priest says, “I will say a prayer for them tonight.”

The doctor says, “Let me ask my ophthalmologist colleagues if anything can be done for them.”

And the engineer says, “Why can’t they play at night?”

Shamelessly taken from Malcolm Gladwell

Here is the explanation, from the article:

Dept. of Transportation May 4, 2015 Issue

The Engineer’s Lament: Two ways of thinking about automotive safety.

By Malcolm Gladwell
....

There is an old joke about an engineer, a priest, and a doctor enjoying a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the greenkeeper for an explanation. “That’s a group of blind firefighters,” they are told. “They lost their sight saving our clubhouse last year, so we let them play for free.”

The priest says, “I will say a prayer for them tonight.”

The doctor says, “Let me ask my ophthalmologist colleagues if anything can be done for them.”

And the engineer says, “Why can’t they play at night?”

The greenkeeper explains the behavior of the firefighters. The priest empathizes; the doctor offers care. All three address the social context of the situation: the fact that the firefighters’ disability has inadvertently created conflict on the golf course. Only the engineer tries to solve the problem.

Almost all engineering jokes—and there are many—are versions of this belief: that the habits of mind formed by the profession enable engineers to see things differently from the rest of us. “A pessimist sees the glass as half empty. An optimist sees the glass as half full. The engineer sees the glass as twice the size it needs to be.” To the others, the glass is a metaphor. Nonsense, the engineer says. The specifications are off. He doesn’t give free rein to temperament; he assesses the object. These jokes, like many of the jokes people tell about themselves, are grievances. The engineer doesn’t understand why the rest of us can’t make sense of the world the way he does.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to mahatmakanejeeves (Reply #13)

Fri Jun 22, 2018, 03:20 PM

15. Thanks

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to mahatmakanejeeves (Reply #13)

Fri Jun 22, 2018, 05:05 PM

29. What do Engineers use for birth control?

Their personalities.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to mahatmakanejeeves (Reply #13)

Fri Jun 22, 2018, 05:45 PM

31. You'll appreciate this:



A friend said it needs to have the egotist, an empty shot glass with an orange swoop on top, & the liquid spilled beside it.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to sinkingfeeling (Original post)

Fri Jun 22, 2018, 03:18 PM

14. Wife: you haven't listened to a thing I've said. You just tone me out all the time.

Husband: Well that's a strange way to start a conversation.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to underpants (Reply #14)

Fri Jun 22, 2018, 03:21 PM

16. Crazy

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to sinkingfeeling (Original post)

Fri Jun 22, 2018, 03:41 PM

17. A woman walks into a pharmacy, asks for a large dose of cyanide

The pharmacist, thinking he has not heard correctly, asks her to repeat her request.

"Cyanide, please, and I need a rather large dose of it, if you don't mind."

The pharmacist rolls his eyes and says, "ma'am, I don't think that is what you want. Cyanide is a deadly poison."

The woman retorts, "I'm quite aware of what cyanide is, thank you very much. It is indeed what I want."

The pharmacist says, "well, if you know what it is, just what makes you think I m going to just hand you over a large lethal dosage of it just like that?"

She reaches into her purse, and shows the pharmacist a large, detailed color photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist studies it for a moment, hands the photo back to her, and says, "well, you might have told me from the beginning that you had a prescription."

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to DFW (Reply #17)

Fri Jun 22, 2018, 03:48 PM

18. Good one. Made me smile.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to sinkingfeeling (Original post)

Fri Jun 22, 2018, 04:28 PM

19. A rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder

The bartender asks: "Where'd you get that?"

The frog answers: "Brooklyn..There's hundreds of 'em"

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to red dog 1 (Reply #19)

Fri Jun 22, 2018, 04:29 PM

20. That's bad.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to sinkingfeeling (Reply #20)

Fri Jun 22, 2018, 04:35 PM

22. Well, they can't all be gems!

Besides, that's a Robin Williams joke.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to sinkingfeeling (Original post)

Fri Jun 22, 2018, 04:32 PM

21. An Ollie joke

Ollie tells his friend: "I think my wife died"

His friend responds: "What do you mean you Think your wife died?"

Ollie replies: "Well, the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up"

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to red dog 1 (Reply #21)

Fri Jun 22, 2018, 04:52 PM

24. Groan

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to sinkingfeeling (Original post)

Fri Jun 22, 2018, 04:42 PM

23. Two buddies are out hunting, and one grabs his chest and collapses.

He doesn't seem to be breathing, he's turned an ashen grey, and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls 911.

He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to SeattleVet (Reply #23)

Fri Jun 22, 2018, 04:53 PM

25. Another crazy one.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to SeattleVet (Reply #23)

Fri Jun 22, 2018, 08:14 PM

34. I roared on that one

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to sinkingfeeling (Original post)

Fri Jun 22, 2018, 04:56 PM

26. SIRI SAID ...

'people think I should run for President...but i think im better fitted for Speaker of the House"

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to samnsara (Reply #26)

Fri Jun 22, 2018, 04:57 PM

27. Cute. But president would do.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to sinkingfeeling (Original post)

Fri Jun 22, 2018, 05:01 PM

28. A man waalks into a bar.

He says, "Ouch!"















It was an iron bar.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Turbineguy (Reply #28)

Fri Jun 22, 2018, 05:27 PM

30. Sick

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to sinkingfeeling (Original post)

Fri Jun 22, 2018, 09:28 PM

35. The pilot test

Joe the Pilot was taking a written test when he came to this question:

"President Trump fell out of the aircraft you are piloting. What actions must you take?"

Joe wrote:

"Adjust aircraft trim to compensate for shifting center of gravity and inspect tail for damage upon return to airport."

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to jmowreader (Reply #35)

Sat Jun 23, 2018, 07:39 AM

40. Thanks

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to sinkingfeeling (Original post)

Fri Jun 22, 2018, 10:09 PM

36. A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his groin

"Hey, did you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your groin?", asks a customer.

"Arrrrrr, it's driving me nuts.", answers the pirate.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Ron Obvious (Reply #36)

Sat Jun 23, 2018, 07:39 AM

41. I like this one.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to sinkingfeeling (Original post)

Fri Jun 22, 2018, 10:46 PM

37. Avoid eating three square meals a day

Otherwise you run the risk of shitting bricks.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Generic Brad (Reply #37)

Sat Jun 23, 2018, 07:40 AM

42. Sick

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to sinkingfeeling (Original post)

Fri Jun 22, 2018, 11:05 PM

38. Old and corny....but I've always liked it....

Car driver is on a country rode doing about 30 mph when he notices there is a three legged chicken running along side.

He pushes it to 40 and the chicken is still keeping up.

Then to 50, then 60 and still the chicken is keeping up!

Then the chicken takes off and leaves him in the dust. He follows the chicken into a farm and parks. He gets out of the car and notices a farmer. He approaches him and says;

"Did you see that speeding three legged chicken?!"

Farmer says, "Sure did, we actually raise them here".

The Driver ask's "Why?"

Farmer, "Well, did you ever roast a chicken and you want a drumstick and your wife wants a drumstick....then a friend comes over and they want a drumstick? This takes care of that problem".

Driver, "Wow, that's very smart. How do they taste?"

Farmer, "Don't know, never caught one yet".

......

And you thought I was going to say they "taste like chicken".

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Xolodno (Reply #38)

Sat Jun 23, 2018, 07:40 AM

43. You're right...corny.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to sinkingfeeling (Original post)

Sat Jun 23, 2018, 12:12 AM

39. Why can you never trust an atom?

They make up absolutely everything.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to OilemFirchen (Reply #39)

Sat Jun 23, 2018, 07:41 AM

44. Cute.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink

Reply to this thread