Elegant and funny insults....

[opiate69]

I could read this all day... some great stuff.
http://zombie-safari.livejournal.com/7473.html

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my
husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the
gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said
Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -
Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill (to HarryTruman about Clement Atlee)

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

[RZM]

1. There's also that legendary one about sleeping with somebody for a certain amount of money

Which is credited for various figures:

'Would you sleep with a man for a million dollars?'

'Yes'

'Would you sleep with him for five dollars?'

'No. What do you think I am?'

'We have already established what you are, we are now just trying to determine a price.'

There's also that exchange (sometimes attributed to Calvin Coolidge, though I bet that's apocryphal), about somebody betting they could get him to say more than two words at a dinner party. His response:

'You lose.'

[Chan790]

11. The Coolidge exchange is supposedly true.

The loser of the bet was the writer Dorothy Parker. She talked about it on a few occasions, Coolidge true to form refused to verify the story.

[RZM]

12. I didn't know that

Though he was 'Quiet Cal' and could write Greek and Latin with both hands at the same time. So he was certainly a nerd.

And one thing we know about nerds, they have this love/hate relationship with women

Not to get off topic, but that's the primary theme of so much fiction.

Take 'Phantom of the Opera' . . . it's all about an unattractive nerd finally getting a gorgeous woman to be interested in him. So many novelists and screenwriters are lame nerds. It's natural that they would write about attractive women surrendering to them.

[WhoIsNumberNone]

2. Another Churchill gem

Lady Astor: "Mr Churchill, you're drunk!"
Churchill: "And you are ugly."
Lady Astor: (taken aback) "Mr Churchill- YOU'RE DRUNK!"
Churchill: "Yes, and in the morning I will be sober, while you will still be ugly."

[rug]

3. Churchill ate barbs for breakfast.

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." Winston Churchill, to Shaw.

[opiate69]

5. He was the master, no question...

[Kaleva]

4. "Are you going to keep talking while you think of something to say?"

[petronius]

6. Damn! I hope my department has another meeting soon, because that one

is going on my short list!

[opiate69]

7. lol

[begin_within]

8. "There's a name for you ladies,

but it's not used in polite society outside of a kennel."

"The Women" (1939)

[crunch60]

39. Quotable Bitches, never been in a kennel

They are my tits and if I wanna have them put on my back that is my own damn business! Cher

I'd rather be onstage with a pig--a duet with Jennifer Lopez and me just ain't going to happen.- Mariah Carey

I can make the switch to human and time I want to. People look
at me and I know what they're thinking. Tough, Demanding, Bitch . Glen Close, actress.


I'm not some Tammy Wynette standing by my man. Hillary Rodham Clinton

I also believe that when you are attacked, you have to deck your opponent.
--------------------------
I almost forgot my own: Regarding a man who bullied me at work:

The problem with him, is that his belly has gotten so fat, that he can no longer see his man part, and that has turned him into a nasty dick wad.

[Rowdyboy]

9. Alice Roosevelt Longworth speaking of her father, Teddy Roosevelt:

"When Theodore attends a wedding, he wants to be the bride, and when he attends a funeral, he wants to be the corpse". Speaking of Calvin Coolidge she quipped "He looks as if he's been weaned on a pickle".

Harry S Truman speaking of Richard Nixon: "Richard Nixon is a no-good lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and even if he caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in".

John F Kennedy: "Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and northern charm"

Lyndon Johnson onGerald Ford: "Gerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football without a helmet" and also ""Gerry Ford is so dumb he can't fart and chew gum at the same time."

and, finally the master-Oscar Wilde: "Some cause happiness whereever they go; others whenever they go"

[eridani]

14. Also from Alice--

If you can't think of something nice to say about someone, come over here and sit by me.

[Rowdyboy]

15. "Steel Magnolias" writer stole that line from Alice and its one of the funniest in the entire movie

What a wit!

[FayeKane]

10. In 1922, a woman let Dorthy Parker enter a door before her, saying...

..."age before beauty". Parker said "pearls before swine".

AHH HAHAHAAHAH!

[hifiguy]

17. It was no less than Claire Booth Luce

on the receiving end of Parker's devastating zinger.

My favorite Parkerism came from her Constant Reader column: "This is not a book to be tossed aside lightly. It should be flung with great force."

[sarge43]

13. Dear Molly Ivins re George Bush

"All hat, no cattle."

[KamaAina]

18. And Ann Richards

"He was born with a silver foot in his mouth".

[sarge43]

20. I understand Ann and Molly were good friends

You wouldn't dare have a mouthful of liquid when those two were dishing.

[hifiguy]

23. They were very good friends, AFAIK, and I've always thought

that "silver foot" line sounded a little too much like one of Molly's to be mere coincidence. I miss those two so much.

[sarge43]

30. They surely did exchange studied insults about the target du jour.

Deeply missed. What they would have done to Romney.

[hifiguy]

31. There would be nothing left but a pair of smoking shoes

like that scene in Repo Man where the cop opens the trunk with the space alien inside.

[sarge43]

32. Would have nuked the dweeb. n/t

[lastlib]

26. And don't forget:

"born on third base and thought he'd hit a triple."

Love that!!

[hifiguy]

16. IIRC Churchill also referred to Atlee as "a sheep in

sheep's clothing." Churchill was one of history's great wits.

Another classic, perhaps apocryphal:

"Mr. Churchill, you are drunk!!"
"And you, madam, are ugly. Tomorrow I shall be sober and you shall still be ugly."

A great George S. Kaufman line: Reviewing a play, Kaufman, a legendary wit and writer of several Marx Brothers movies, observed of a young Italian tenor "Guido Nazzo is nazzo guido." The young man's career was badly damaged, and a couple of years later Kaufman felt so guilty he hired the singer for one of his shows.

[KamaAina]

19. A Toronto review of Keanu Reeves' Hamlet

"Mr. Reeves said all the words in the correct order."

[sarge43]

21. A critic's take on Burton's performance in Anne of a Thousand Days

"He was every other inch a king."

Another critic's assessment of an actress's subdued performance: Ran the emotional gauntlet from A to B.

[benld74]

22. Stooges Style - Sorry couldnt resist

Larry - They say fish is good brain food!

Moe - You know YOU should fish for a whale!

[sharp_stick]

24. Between Canada's Trudeau and Richard Nixon

Prime Minister of Canada Pierre Trudeau was asked by a reporter of an insulting line thrown at him by President Richard Nixon. Nixon apparently called him an asshole.

Trudeau responded with something like: I've been called worse things by better people.

I love that comeback, there's no recovery from it.

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Pierre_Trudeau

[lastlib]

25. another one (also, I think attributed to W. Churchill):

Lady: Sir, if you were my husband, I would give you poison!
He: Madame, if you were my wife, I would drink it!

[lastlib]

27. A Congressman for whom I campaigned many years ago...

...was speaking at a campaign event, and referred to his opponent as "a man about whom very little has been said, and for good reason."

[solara]

28. Tallulah Bankhead

Tallulah was at party, most likely holding court when in walked one of her ex -lovers. The break-up had been acrimonious and very bad even by Hollywood standards in the 30's and they had not laid eyes on each other for several years.

Still, the tension in the room grew palpable as he, oblivious to her, made his way towards her little circle. Later, no one could say if he had seen her or not, but it was evident that she had seen him -she watched his approach as a cat would watch it's unsuspecting prey. Cool and collected, she waited for him. Most of the evening's guests knew them both and expected that a nasty scene would ensue.

But, when he finally saw her he stopped abruptly, no doubt checking for the nearest exit. She stood and held her cigarette en holder for him to light, once lit he blinked in mute embarrassment ( some recall that it was more like abject fear, as she was already famous for her razor sharp wit)

Tallulah arced a brow and, as she blew a long stream of smoke into the hapless ex-lover's face she exclaimed in that deep, whiskey voice of hers: "Dahhhling, I thought I told you to wait in the car"

[sarge43]

29. Two of my Tallulah favorites

"My father warned me about men and whiskey. He didn't tell me about women and cocaine."

She was attending a high mass and one of the acolytes walked by the pew swinging the censer. In that one of a kind voice, "Dahhhling, I love your dress, but I think your purse is on fire."

[solara]

33. Oh yes!

Never heard the 2nd one.. they are both priceless!



What a unique character she was

[Rowdyboy]

38. On her deathbed, her final words were "Codeine....bourbon..." ....She was quite a woman

and her father was speaker of the house of representatives!

I think I would have liked her a lot

[HeiressofBickworth]

34. I just checked my bookshelf

and found this: The Hater's Handbook, by Joseph Rosner (1965) A guide to the Wonderful World of Ill Will: The Catcalls, Abuse and Caustic Comment Flung at Persons of Note throughout the Ages.

One of my favorite passages: "The man who brings into the world some new idea brings with it some threat to the status quo. An old idea must be dislodged, and the people who cling to that old idea must give way. Many of them scream before they do so, and their screams are usually directed at the herald of change."

Here's a bute:
Only a few short weeks after the election of 1860, which gave Lincoln the keys to the White House, he received a letter, from a Mr. Pete Muggins, of Fillmore, La., that conveyed the general idea of what Lincoln would have to face for the next four years:

"God damn your god damned old hellfired god damned soul to hell god damn you and god damn your god damned family's god damned hellfired god damned soul to hell and good damnation god damn them and god damn your god damn friends to hell."

[opiate69]

35. lmao! America's very first teabagger freeper!

[Rowdyboy]

36. Oscar Wilde......"He has no enemies....

But is intensely disliked by is friends".

[Rowdyboy]

37. During the last years of his second term Woodrow Wilson suffered a stroke and was incapacitated....

The Democratic president was visited in his sickroom by his fiercest, most implacable opponent in the senate, Republican Henry Cabot Lodge of Massachusetts. As he was leaving, Senator Lodge said "We're praying foryou Mr. President" to which Wilson supposedly replied "Which way?"