An unsmiley moment

[SmileyRose]

It's been coming for a long time but I can't make excuses for him anymore. It just is what it is.

Long weekend off work - perfect to do something fun --- he'd rather be someplace else.

It would be easier if it was another woman. It isn't. He just doesn't want me. I doubt he ever did.

Like many women I made 90% of the sacrifices to try and make it work. They were big ones. Bigger than I should ever have been willing to give. But I don't want someone around only because they owe me. If he isn't with me because he wants to be then I'd rather he spend his time wherever it is he'd rather be.

But I'm angry about the sacrifices. Angrier about the fact I'm nearly 60 and have no one to cry on and find myself getting it out of my system on an anonymous board. Not that ya'll are meaningless to me. I don't mean that. But when you are in pain I do hope to heck you have someone in real life to cry on.

I don't know how to move forward. Not even sure I can. Which makes me angry as well. Financially it would be stupid. What little we have is 90% my doing. The one bright spot in this marriage is his medical care benefits. I'm now disabled and I can't afford to lose that.


I don't yet what I'll do for myself but I can tell you there will not ever be another Memorial Day where I have no family, no invites to anywhere. The charities I work with are all fine and well. I won't actually be alone as Monday I'm taking red white and blue cakes to a couple of nursing homes, the fire station and the emergency room for workers putting in time in service of others. Maybe I'll linger instead of "dump and run".

Maybe I expect too much in life, but it just seems like it would be real nice to have someone in this world come looking for me once in a while - you know, as if I actually mattered or something. Knowing someone maybe would show up when I'm sick, or sad or something.

Anyways, this is depressing and if you've waded through bless you. And thanks to the DU lounge for letting me get this off my chest.

[blueamy66]

1. I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

sending vibes your way......

[barbtries]

2. i wish i could give you a

[silentwarrior]

3. Hi smileyrose

big hugs to you at this crappy time. if its any consolation, i too am going through alot of heartache.

love to you

[lunatica]

4. Facing the truth is very hard, but it's the hardest part before things get better

What I did was to do what I needed to so that I could take care of myself without asking others to. Don't just think of doing things for others now. It's time to do for yourself, which sounds selfish but it isn't. It's hard when you've spent your life doing for others and sacrificing for others.

What I did was go back to school to learn how to use computers so I could get a decent job after 15 years of being a stay at home wife and mom (except for minor jobs which I could leave at the whim of my husband since his vacations were more important). What I found when I learned how to use the computer was that I loved it and was good at it. I also re-learned that I was a very intelligent woman who could compete with young people in college and even surpass most of them. Things like these made me start to think of myself as a valuable asset all on my own.

Find something you want to do for yourself only. And one day you'll realize that you're very good company and that you enjoy being with you also.

I like to tell people that it's better to be alone than to be in bad company. And it really and truly is. No one can make you happy or fulfill you except you. You're the boss of your life.

[SmileyRose]

17. it's good advice

I spent the day moving into the guest room. I can't divorce him - the reasons are many. But you are right, I need to find a group of something I like (if I can remember what that is) and go do it.

Thanks!

[crunch60]

20. Hi Smiley Rose, one thing I found important when in transition, is to live in the moment, like what

am I doing right now, what would I like to be doing, what am I thinking right now. Lingering over a sad situation or dwelling on it, won't make things easier.
Many people become extensions of their partner, and when the relationship goes sour or no longer exists as it once did, it's like loosing an arm. People gave up so much of their own identity. When that has been lost, you have to rediscover who you are, what you are capable of doing, and all the things you would love to do, then make a step forward and go for it!

So start you list ASAP.
I had to establish a "New Norm" for myself and move on from there, it works and you can do it to.

Smiles, Smiley!

[lunatica]

21. Don't think you have to live in the same house either

You don't need to get a divorce to move away from him. If the idea appeals to you then there's a goal you can start to pursue right now.

Living in the same house might keep you in the rut of cooking for him (if you do now) and washing his clothes, etc. You know what I mean. In any case you should start to feel 'divorced' emotionally now that you've moved into your own room. Meaning you don't care what he thinks or does and knowing he can't hurt you anymore because you're done with him.

[NRaleighLiberal]

5. .

[CaliforniaPeggy]

6. Ah, my dear SmileyRose...

My heart breaks as I read your post...

You are worth so much more than this, more than you think.

I can sure as hell tell you that you don't expect too much from life!

Those who don't expect much don't get much.

[LNM]

7. (((SmileyRose)))

[grasswire]

8. lawyer up or...

Your first duty is to yourself, and that includes protecting yourself from a partner who (you say) has not particularly sought to protect your wellbeing over the years.

People do all kinds of crazy things. They drain bank accounts. They open new charge cards. They hide assets.

So you need to get a free consultation with a lawyer who can advise you what to do right now for self-protection.

You aren't alone. We are always here, one or another of us. And many of us have traveled the path you are on now, and survived.

My best wishes to you.

[irisblue]

16. what grasswire said

and

[alphafemale]

19. what irisblue said

Most areas have what is known as Legal Aid or something like it. It is where attorneys will work pro bono.

http://www.legal-aid.org/en/home.aspx

[bluesbassman]

9. Sorry to hear you're suffering SmileyRose.

No words of wisdom, just a hug.

[Phentex]

10. It hurts...

and it really hurts when you feel so alone. I know there are others out there going though the same thing but people don't like to talk about it. You may be getting it all out on a message board but you may also be reaching out to someone who feels as you do.

I hope you get to spend time doing what you want on Memorial Day. Linger! I think it will make you feel better.

I'm sorry I don't have good advice for you but I want you to know I care.

[yankeepants]

11. smileyrose I am so sorry

Wishing you strength and determination to heal your situation.

YP

[Bertha Venation]

12. Oh, Smiley Rose

I am sorry you're hurting so. I wish I had some comfort for you. All I can say is that I think it's a good idea to "linger instead of 'dump and run'" at the places where you deliver red white and blue cakes. Hang out there for some of the "thank yous" and praises that are bound to come your way. Accept them as if you were an outfielder gratefully shagging a long fly ball.... you will be so happy, so thankful for their praises. I know you will be.

You have my best wishes, Smiley Rose. I'm sorry life is so rough for you, but you have my very best wishes for a future full of happiness. You deserve it.

[LaurenG]

13. Smiley Rose you matter

you definitely matter. I am so sorry for the circumstances.

[riderinthestorm]

14. I am so sorry smiley rose.

Sending you vibes of strength so you can make some needed changes in your life. Perhaps a word of advice? Stop waiting on him to go do things. Start making movie dates/lectures/activities/plans with others. If you can't find someone then go ahead by yourself. I actually now prefer to go to the movies alone....

May I also offer another bit of unsolicited advice and that's to set up your own bank accounts and credit cards. Even if its for small amounts - having money set aside that's only yours, and not co-mingled, can be very empowering.

You may find you don't need to actually go through the hassle of divorce and can simply move along on two separate tracks with some measure of contentment.

[emilyg]

15. I understand. Hugs.

[HeiressofBickworth]

18. I was much younger when I faced a similar situation

I was never so lonely as I was the five years I was married to my first husband. I never though that it could be possible, but there it was. I made a plan of how to break away. I had to find a job, hold the job for a minimum of six months (to be sure it would work out), establish a bank account, and then I asked him to leave. It was a fairly painless divorce as we had very little anyway. I never regretted it.

You owe it to yourself to establish friends, routines, hobbies, interests that you can do on your own. Establish the life you would like to live if he wasn't there. Then you can take your time deciding what you want to do about your marriage.

I like the motto I saw on a t-shirt a long time ago: A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

[SammyWinstonJack]

22. i can relate.

[SmileyRose]

23. To everyone - all ya'll are the absolute best.

i want you to know that you all, each one of you. Got me through one of the toughest days in my life.

I don't know the words to even express that depth of gratitude. No sleep last night, so forgive me if I stubble over this but I never ever expected any response, let alone such kind and quite frankly hugely helpful responses.

Thanks to you --- entirely to you. My mind has moved from being a valueless reject no one in the whole world wants to an excited little kid setting up my OWN ROOM and looking forward to all the adventures ahead of me.

Over time I'll adjust and figure out whether I can stay to continue the caretaking duties - he has a lot of medical issues - the ungrateful bastard - but I gotta live with myself when he's gone.

At any rate. I can't believe I'm saying this on the DU but in my own way I really do love you all. And I just can't thank you enough.

[Tobin S.]

24. I'm glad you are feeling better, Rose

I saw your post last night, but I didn't have anything to add to it. I should have at least thrown a in there, though. Take care of yourself.