Study Finds Average Squirrel Lives Through Human Equivalent Of 7 Action Films Every Day

[Zorro]

FORT COLLINS, CO—Revealing new insights into the animals’ high-risk lifestyle, a study released Monday by zoologists at Colorado State University found that the average squirrel lives through the human equivalent of seven action films every day.

“Before you’ve even sat down for lunch, a normal squirrel has already faced a dozen adrenaline-pumping experiences far more insane than all the Die Hard movies combined,” said lead researcher Dr. Bryce Roper, noting that the rodents routinely engage in leaps between branches more death-defying than any Jackie Chan stunt and dodge predators more ferocious than the Terminator.

“Being chased along rooftops in Istanbul as bad guys lean out of helicopters to gun you down is perhaps the closest a human could come to understanding the day-to-day life of a squirrel. Maybe multiply that by three and add in witnessing a villain kidnap your child after murdering your spouse, then you’ll get the picture.”

The study also found that emotionally, the average squirrel experiences love 10 times more fiercely than Ryan Gosling’s character in The Notebook.

https://www.theonion.com/study-finds-average-squirrel-lives-through-human-equiva-1836993879

[Demovictory9]

1. they run half way across the street then turn around just missing getting squashed

for no apparent reason

[LisaL]

2. Not all of them miss getting squashed.

Cars are presumably their biggest predator.

[Demovictory9]

6. i know

[ret5hd]

4. Oh, there's "reason".

[Demovictory9]

5. lol

[liberalmuse]

8. Not the squirrel I hit.

It came out of nowhere from a center island and it was all over before I could even act. I took this beautiful squirrel to the vets on the chance it had some life, but vets don’t allow wild life through their doors, so I laid him/her to rest in my yard. It sucks accidentally killing a beautiful animal like that.

[Hassin Bin Sober]

9. I hit a raccoon last year and it really bummed me out.

I had no chance to miss him.

[Demovictory9]

11. I hit a bird once. was bummed for days

[Cirque du So-What]

3. More hardcore than Chev Chelios

but I have yet to see a squirrel come back from the dead.

[Sleepscratch]

7. Rofl

The obstacle tree course!

[Zambero]

10. While driving yesterday, saw one dart across the road

It ran beneath a van directly in front of me and somehow made it unscathed to the other side. Not sure which 1-7 action film equivalent number that might have been, but it was fairly early in the day, so the critter in all likelihood was just getting warmed up for bigger and better things to come as the day wore on.

[Fyrefox]

12. Life in the fast lane

Lives lived on the edge! Short, but full of passionate intensity. There are no old squirrel homes.