Something that drives me crazy at work.

[smirkymonkey]

I just have to ask people what they think of a person who behaves like this. Am I too sensitive or is this person being passive aggressive and if so, why are they doing this?

I have a manager who is generally a nice person, but he is always making comments about innocuous little things I do. For instance, today, we got into an elevator together, with a very senior boss from HQ and he said "Oh, there's SM again with her Iced Tea, she's always drinking iced tea." Meanwhile, he pounds coffee from morning until he leaves until the end of the day. I have maybe two large iced teas a day and dilute them with water as they run down.

He also comments on how I always have a water bottle at my desk, plus an iced tea, and "there I am again having soup for lunch", etc. He is constantly making stupid little comments on thing like that, which have no bearing on my performance or anything else I do at work. Or like, oh, "I see you like wearing dark gray sweaters a lot, etc."

I mean, who fucking cares? I don't know why he does this. Is he being passively hostile? Why do people comment on things like that? I would never say anything like that to anyone. It's none of my business on what people eat, drink or wear, etc.

It's really been driving me up a wall lately. He kind of has a bit of a nerdy personality, and I have known other people like him who always have to comment on things you do that are of absolutely no consequence and I don't understand why they do it.

Just wondering if anyone has any insight, because I'm starting to get very angry about it and I don't want it to jeopardize my job.

[flying rabbit]

1. Maybe he doesn't know how to make small talk.

[tblue37]

3. GMTA--check out time stamps! nt

[flying rabbit]

9. Yep!

[zanana1]

39. I agree.

I have trouble making small talk so I frequently say something stupid.

[tblue37]

2. He might just be socially awkward. Some people just don't know how to make small talk, but

they try to anyway to be friendly. The things you mention honestly just sound like awkward attempts to engage in small talk.

[smirkymonkey]

7. You may be right. Thanks for your input.

I need to hear some rational advice. I just don't know why people who make observations about me - even if they are totally innocuous - disturbs me so much. I suppose I should think about this a bit.

Thanks!

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

4. He might be a person who is uncomfortable making small talk but feels like he has to do it,

so he says these sort of random but seemingly innocuous observations about you. Maybe that's just because he doesn't know what to say because he's a nerd, but he's read somewhere that it's important to pay attention to the person he's talking to. So, his observations come off as awkward and weird. Unless he says something offensive, it's probably better to let it go, or else respond with "Yes, I like iced tea. Do you like it?" or "Yes, I like gray sweaters. Gray is a nice neutral color that goes with everything." Then just smile and go back to work.

[smirkymonkey]

5. He actually is socially awkward. He's very friendly and nice and I should give him the

benefit of the doubt, but this is just one of those things that has always driven me crazy about a lot of people.

I absolutely hate it when people make observations about me, especially when I don't know them well. I don't know why it pushes my buttons so much. It's not like I am doing anything wrong, but I just feel like I am being accused of something.

I am sure it has a lot more to do with me and my hang ups than what is actually going on. I am sure there is a lesson in this for me and something that I have to heal. I guess I feel judged, but it's such a stupid thing to even feel judged upon.

Thanks for your advice. I should probably think about what is really going on with me when he says these things.

[dawg day]

37. I'm like that too. I don't even like compliments.

But I heard myself saying about 5 times to a new acquaintance, "Aren't you cold?" And I realized I was kind of anxious about hom because he was sort of standoffish and I was trying to make contact. I realized I was being obnoxious and shut up. But I bet he feels like I'm intrusive. Your coworker might be like me! So the advice to respond with some warm but neutral line, yes, I like ice tea, do you? will kind of pacify him.

[smirkymonkey]

41. Thanks dawg day!

I think it's a little different. You are acting out of concern, and I don't believe he is. There is a part of me that thinks that he does not like anyone or anything that does not behave exactly the way that he does. He is very controlled and methodical and I think my very free-spirtedness offends him on some level, even though I do my job and behave professionally in the office.

I am pretty sure that he resents me for some reason, and I don't know if it is my freedom or the fact that I am a blue-eyed, blonde, white woman (he seems to attack other women like me on the team - fyi, he is asian), but there is an edge to his comments. There is always a hint of sarcasm or bitterness in his voice now that I think of it.

However, I will take your advice and see how it works. It can't hurt, right? Thank you!

[brush]

6. There's always at least one irritating person in any office.

Never fails.

[smirkymonkey]

10. I think work is really getting to me.

It's always around this time of year when I just feel like I can't wait to get away. If T-giving and X-mas vacation weren't coming up I think I would lose it. It's like I feel like I am crawling to the finish line.

Thankfully, I get an extra week of vacation come the new year and I am so happy. You can never have too much time off. Thanks Brush!

[ret5hd]

12. If there isn't... it's you.

[braddy]

8. I join the 'awkward at small talk" group, he sounds like he has settled on a few fit alls that he

reuses over and over, you can break him of that.

[smirkymonkey]

14. You may be right. He's actually a very nice person, but for some reason, these types of

comments have always set me off. I don't know why. I suppose that is a couple of therapy sessions right there.

Thanks braddy! I'm calming down a bit thanks to all of you!

[braddy]

26. It isn't your fault that those comments are kind of annoying to you, those are the type that would

annoy me as well, but I would try to make sure he is hearing me when I say something friendly to reveal that it is an amusing and harmless area of commenting that we have already shared a number of times.

Wow, as a guy I just remembered, do you remember your adolescence and how the males your age were so awkward but you could tell that they were trying to make contact with you? Not as in sex, but as a friend or someone they just wanted to show a positive recognition of?

[smirkymonkey]

31. You know something braddy, I think I just had an epiphany.

I have finally realized why this bothers me so much. Whether it is a boss, a parent, a boyfriend, a friend, an acquaintance, a random person on the street - it's all the same. The person is trying to put me in a box. They are trying to define me and limit me. They are not seeing who I am, they are only seeing me for who they want me to be.

I finally think I understand why this enrages me so much when people speak to me this way. It's because they are trying to make me small and insignificant. Like I am only someone who is a collection of personality quirks that exists in their mind and nobody in my own right.

Thank you so much for helping me to understand this! You have really helped me tonight. I am very grateful to you. Have a good evening!

[pnwest]

32. Those kind of weird comments set my defenses

up too - it feels phony somehow, and yes, even passive-aggressive. I’ve run into people who do that, too. But, maybe it feels phony because in a way, it is. If he is bad at small talk and has settled on a few certain ways of commenting on observations, then it does come across as false. It’s not genuine. But, maybe that’s all he’s got.

Or, maybe he’s a serious creepazoid. You just never know.

There’s a book I’ve read that says to trust your gut. Maybe you can’t articulate why this guys sets off your weirdo radar, but subconsciously you sense there’s something amiss with this guy. Trust your gut.

[smirkymonkey]

35. Since the beginning, there has been something about him that has bothered me, but

on the outside he is always nice so I can't put my finger on it, but my gut instinct tells me otherwise. There is something off with him. Thanks for reinforcing that pnwest!

[pnwest]

36. I remembered the book:

“The Gift of Fear. Survival Instincts That Protect Us From Violence”. Good read.

[Ohiogal]

11. Maybe he has a crush on you

And that’s why he notices all those little things and just can’t help but blurt them out when he’s around you in an attempt to be “friendly” and he doesn’t realize he’s coming off as being borderline creepy.

That’s a tough one that he’s your manager because you don’t want to tell him to STFU exactly. I don’t blame you that’s it’s weird. I’d feel uncomfortable, too. Can you just ignore him and hope he takes the hint that his little observations aren’t welcome? I suppose that’s what you’re doing already.

I had a boss once who loved to do that stupid thing where he’d say “What’s that?” and point to something on your collar, then when you’d look down, he bop you in the nose and laugh. He actually thought this was funny. He tried way too damn hard to be a “regular guy” and “one of us.” I guess what I’m rambling on about is that it constantly amazes me how some people who are so socially awkward seem to get promoted as supervisors. Thank god this guy didn’t last long.

[smirkymonkey]

15. It's funny who ends up getting promoted, isn't it?

They are usually the socially awkward type. The people who would have been nerds in college, but seem to excel in the corporate world.

Sometimes we get along very well, but when he makes those comments, I just feel so judged. Maybe he doesn't mean to be judging me, but I don't like anyone commenting on anything I do when it is unsolicited. It's been a stressful few weeks and I think things are just getting under my skin. I am so looking forward to the holiday vacations. I really need a break. Sorry about your old boss. It's so funny how people like that can manage to make it in business.

Anyway, thanks for your advice. I appreciate it. He is kind enough to let me wfh every once in a while, so that's good. Sometimes I just need a break from the daily grind. I suppose I should be grateful.

[Ohiogal]

18. It's not your fault

that you don’t welcome comments all day long about your appearance!

Would he say the same things to a male colleague? He may not have an ulterior motive, but still. Yuck.

[smirkymonkey]

21. No, he doesn't. I have noticed he never makes those comments to men since

our cube is him, me and two other guys. He never comments on their habits or any other men in the department. He does seem to have a bit of an issue w/ certain types of women. I don't think he means it, but there is a pattern.

[griffi94]

13. My oldest daughter says things like that.

She has Asperger's Syndrome. Except for social awkwardness and not always getting sarcasm, she doesn't
have any noticeable symptoms.

[tblue37]

16. I was thinking her boss might have Asperger's or be borderline Asperger's. nt

[griffi94]

19. Right.

And he talks about things he knows are appropriate.

[smirkymonkey]

17. I guess some people think that it might be a way for them to relate to another person.

I don't know. I suppose after reading some comments here that I am at least half responsible for the way I react. I am hyper-sensitive about people commenting on my behavior, habits, dress, looks, etc. I was ripped to shreds for the slightest faults as a child and see every observation as a hostile gesture.

I am sure your daughter doesn't mean anything by what she says and I hope people do not take offense. I am glad she doesn't have any noticeable symptoms.

[griffi94]

20. Like someone upthread suggested.

You could ask him if he likes ice tea.
In social situations, especially formal ones like work or with strangers, my daughter
operates off of a script of acceptable topics and questions that she's memorized.
This could be the same kind of thing, if he makes the same comments over and over about the same
things like your fondness for tea, or soup for lunch, or gray sweaters.
My daughter will notice things like that and ask about them repeatedly. It seems safe because
it's something you like.

I once had an ongoing months long exchange with her because I ordered a cherry soda at lunch.
She mentioned cherry soda a few times a week for months in the same way you describe your co-worker.

Hey Dad, have you had cherry soda recently.
I'll bet you wish we had some cherry soda.
My dad really likes cherry soda.

It was her way of being social and agreeable.

[smirkymonkey]

22. He doesn't, but he also constantly talks about things that aren't appropriate, such as how

his wife gets angry with him if he travels or stays late (not just every now and then, but constantly, making her seem like the bad guy), how his kids never do anything at home or don't do anything for him, how he is always broke when he makes a ton of money, how he is gaining so much weight and can't eat anything extra when he is anorexically thin, a lot of other things that just seem inappropriate at work.

I don't know, he's kind of a strange duck. I don't really know what to make of him.

[griffi94]

23. I understand your POV

It could be interpreted as judgmental, but given what you've just said
about his other inappropriate, out of context remarks, I'll bet it's not personal.

[TreasonousBastard]

24. I am neither therapist nor counselor, but I think...

you're seeing a "breakthrough".

Neither of you is really at fault--the two of you simply come from different places and haven't figured out how to deal with it

If it's true that he's just a little clumsy and you have had problems in your past, perhaps you might want to talk to someone who can help you ignore him.

[smirkymonkey]

25. Thanks Treasonous.

I think you are right. We are just not connecting on the same level. I think maybe he thinks that is his way of noticing people, yet for me it is a trigger. He probably, or definitely, isn't aware of it. I suppose I have to deal with these issues on my side and learn not to take them so personally.

Thank you!

[Skittles]

29. aren't these people kinda just known as assholes?

every workplace has them

[smirkymonkey]

33. It's a little more complicated than that, but sometimes I really feel that way.

In the moment, I really feel like he is an asshole. The reason I posted this is because I suspect that I might be misinterpreting this , however I honestly don't know. I really don't. I have a tendency to be overly sensitive.

I still think that it is partially my own fault, but there is also a part of me that feels like he is just a passive aggressive jerk. I just don't know who is right.

[intrepidity]

30. I'm like you, can't stand those comments

If I had the nerve, I'd mutter something like "Stalker, much?" but with a slight smile.

Let him worry about it for a change.

People, hrrumph.

[smirkymonkey]

34. I would love nothing more than to be able to work alone always.

However, I am fortunate enough with this boss to be able to wfh at least one day a week if not more. The one good thing about him is that he is fairly easygoing.

I just hate the whole getting up in the morning/grooming/commuting thing in the morning. And I don't even have a bad commute.

[discntnt_irny_srcsm]

38. I'm agreeing with Ohiogal and several others

He probably has a crush on you and is socially awkward. Maybe it's due to Asperger's. Who knows.

However, I'm jealous. You get to work from home. Must take the good with the bad.

Best of luck to you and have an Irish blessing:

May those who love us love us.
And those who don't love us, may God turn their their hearts.
And if he doesn't turn their hearts, may He turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping.

[smirkymonkey]

42. I am wfh today. My heat isn't working and I need to wait for the managers to fix it.

It's a very nice perk, I must admit. I really don't know what his deal is. I love your Irish blessing! It's brilliant!

[discntnt_irny_srcsm]

46. A t-shirt you can wear for both the managers at home and the ones at work

WFH: One of the best jobs I ever had included both the best and worst commutes ever; alternate working 2 weeks from home and 1 at the office. Best commute part was 20 feet to the living room. That third week was a 5 hour flight to the West coast on Monday and then a red eye Friday night back home.

The Irish blessing is just about my favorite one but it's not my creation.

[smirkymonkey]

47. Perfect!

[Kashkakat v.2.0]

40. Food commentary at work - I know it well. Esp if you eat/drink anything that your mainstream work

culture does not - be prepared for running commentary, jokes, put downs.

Being wheat intolerant and having rice cakes as part of my regular diet, boy do I ever get the snark. Ive told them a zillion times that wheat makes me feel sick- but STILL I get platefuls of bagels and sugary baked items shoved in my face constantly and asked do I want one.

Do I want to get cramps, diarrhea and bad gas? Oh thank you, how kind of you to offer!

Of course I want to tell them to go to hell but .... that would not be appropriate for the workplace LOL.

[smirkymonkey]

43. The thing is that he has so many bizarre little food and drink quirks.

I could make fun of him all day long if he wasn't my boss. He is such a strange little person.

Yet, because he is my superior, he seems to think that it is ok to comment on every single little thing that I do and it drives me insane. Not my performance, not my work, but just what I drink, eat, wear, the photos on my desk, etc. It's maddening.

[LuckyCharms]

44. Like other answers have implied

it sounds to me like he is aloof or socially awkward. Some people don't know how to converse, so they end up saying just about anything, just to...say something.

Try not to let it bother you, considering that is what is probably causing his behavior. He probably does it with a lot of people.

I used to work with a guy...whenever he saw me sitting alone, he would say "Sitting with all of your friends I see".

Finally I told him, "that was really funny the first thousand times you said that. It's not funny anymore".

[smirkymonkey]

45. Yes! That is exactly what he is like. He always has to say SOMETHING!

I honestly think that he has always been a dork all his life and now that he is in a management position he likes to wield his power a little bit over people who are beneath him. Thanks Lucky Charms!

[TreasonousBastard]

48. Ya know... Apropos my earlier comment, you really shouldn't...

have to take on the whole load dealing with this. Somehow he should be made aware that theae comments creep you out.

[Niagara]

49. As I was reading reading this last night, SM

I didn't have an answer for you. I went to bed and slept on it.

I worked with a immature jackass once that had a crush on me. I had lost a bunch of weight and I started to wear more form fitting clothing instead of baggy clothing. I realized after this weight loss that I had a problem in my armpit area, so I stopped wearing lighter colored shirts and went to darker colors. I had 3 black and 2 dark navy shirts. Anyway, this jackass kept mentioning to other co-workers about how I had just worn that same shirt just the other day and blah, blah, blah.


This made me extremely uncomfortable and I went to HR. I explained that as far I was aware that he and I didn't have any work related issues and he started harassing me behind my back to other co-workers. I gave HR names of witnesses and dates it happened. It stopped immediately and nobody lost their job. Well, eventually everyone lost their job, but it didn't have anything to do with this particular situation.

I hope this helps. Usually people in HR are smart on how to handle tricky situations like this. Good luck!

[smirkymonkey]

50. Thanks Niagara!

I appreciate your input. I ended up wfh today. I am actually thinking of taking a vacation day tomorrow. I just don't want to be around him. Nice to hear your advice though.

[Doodley]

51. You should feel complimented that he makes these comments. He obviously likes you. He is just

trying to be friendly.

[smirkymonkey]

52. I don't know. Maybe.

I just react in a very negative way when people are too familiar with me. I suppose I shouldn't be so sensitive. Thanks Doodley!

[NJCher]

54. communication apprehension (CA)

I think your insight from Braddy's post could be helpful in dealing with him. Now that you know why it irks you, you can refuse to give him the power to annoy you. After all, it's his problem if he sees you in a way that limits you.

In addition, if he does have Asperger's, you will probably naturally look at him in a sympathetic way. Most certainly, bringing personal complaints to the office is inappropriate. This leads me to believe he's got some kind of social handicap. In my field (interpersonal communication), we call it CA (communication apprehension) and people really do suffer from this. It's surprising how many people in an average college classroom will admit to having it. Figures of 60-80% are not uncommon and this is in a class that's a general requirement. At the very least, these people are afraid of speaking to someone they don't know. Interestingly enough, there is some evidence that communications abilities are genetic. If it's genetic, then obviously it's a handicap he was born with--but that still doesn't excuse him from doing something about it. It just makes it a little harder.

Maybe you could drop an anonymous note to HR about the personal commentary at the office that he does and let them talk to him about it. That's their job, after all.

[smirkymonkey]

56. Thanks NJ Cher!

That is helpful. I think once I got this off my chest, I can see him a bit more sympathetically. He is definitely an awkward person and it would not surprise me at all if he had Asperger's, however the strange thing is that is he is always going on about having "emotional intelligence", which he doesn't really have. At least not with women.

There are other women in the office who have issues with him as well. He is very kind with women who are kind of incompetent and weak, but seems to have a problem with those of us who are independent and strong. I just can't quite figure him out.

[wnylib]

57. I think your last paragraph explains

why he makes rhe observational comments to you and why it bothers you. You also said upthread that he doesn't make these comments to men.

It sounds like he is uncomfortable with competent, capable women and does not know how to relate to them. With a woman who struggles on the job, he can be more comfortable. I have known managers like that. Their comments to some women come across as subtle passive aggressive put downs because that is what they are.

Since you said that you experienced being "shredded" as a child it would feel even more annoying to you. But that does not mean that you are interpreting him wrong. It only means that his comments trigger a strong reaction for you. As a child you were in a subordinate (powerless) situation with.whatever adults were so critical. As an adult you are once again in a subordinate position with a manager who is passively critical.

You try to be reasonable and recognize your own part in this which is good. But don't invalidste your own gut feeling about what he is doing. Just recognize that you have the insight and personal power over yourself as an adult now to see that people who do that are insecure and weak in their own self image. It could help you to let it roll off instead of getting stressed over it.

[smirkymonkey]

59. Thank you wnylib!

I appreciate your post, it makes a lot of sense to me. I think everyone has helped me to see that I should be more understanding and compassionate for my own good, while not allowing him to cross my boundaries. To see where he is coming from but at the same time stand up for myself.

Thank you very much for your insight!

[KY_EnviroGuy]

53. Sm, without knowing this guy, my best guess would be....

that this fellow was raised in a home full of extroverts that chattered about anything and everything constantly. I've know quite a few like that and they can't seem to help themselves. Being an introvert, it grates at my soul.

You might try some retorts that would get him thinking, such as:

Him: "Oh, there's SM again with her Iced Tea".

You: "What drinks do you consider appropriate in this office?"

---------

Him: "I see you like wearing dark gray sweaters a lot".

You: "Sorry, I wasn't aware it was that obvious. What colors are most acceptable on Tuesday?".

----------

Anything to get him thinking about being unnecessarily specific about your habits.......

KY.........

[wnylib]

58. You could be right about that. I was thinking

that he might have experienced some strictness in his own past that makes him insecure today.

[betsuni]

55. He sounds very insecure.

Yes, it's passive-aggressive. If I were you I'd think up some witty remarks -- you need some comedy writers!