Heard any good "walks into a bar" jokes lately?

[red dog 1]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet and says to the sexy bartender:
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
"Yes,' she purrs, "I am."
"Well wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"

[LuckyCharms]

1. LOL

Nice one.

[Wounded Bear]

2. There was the time a magician walked down the street...

and then turned into a bar.

[DENVERPOPS]

3. That guy

couldn't have been our president trump...........or Clinton for that matter. Or I suppose any president except carter for that matter.......

[Midnight Writer]

4. Pavlov went to the pub. When the bell above the door rang, he said "Shit, I forgot to feed the dog".

[Karadeniz]

5. Those were great! Thanks ❤❤❤

[BuffaloJackalope]

6. Martin O'Malley walks into a bar...

But the joke was Ken Cuccinelli

[Initech]

7. A raging asshole, a professional golfer, and a guy who spends way too much time on Twitter...

Walk into a bar. Bartender says "What will it be, Mr. President?".

[red dog 1]

13. Good one!

[Wawannabe]

31. Only take out that bit

About PRO golfer!

Was a good one. I already stole/shared and sent!

[COLGATE4]

8. Horse walks into a bar

Bartender says "Why the long face?"

[BKDem]

9. A priest, a rabbi and a man with a parrot on his head walk into a bar.

Bartender says, "What is this...some kind of joke?"

[Harker]

10. Okay. Got me.

Henceforth I'll have to randomly substitute the guy with the parrot for my standard zen priest.

[red dog 1]

12. A guy walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder.

The bartender asks: "Where'd you get him?"
The frog answers: "Brooklyn, there's hundreds of 'em"

[Captain Zero]

30. Thats a RABBI walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder

fyi. funny either way.

[red dog 1]

35. Thanks for catching that

It is indeed, "A rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder"

[Flaleftist]

11. Trump, Pence, and McConnell walked into a bar.

The impact cracked open their heads and they bled out.

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

14. A Roman walks into a bar, sticks 2 fingers up to the bartender & says "Five beers please!"

[empedocles]

76. Caught me

[red dog 1]

15. Two peanuts walk into a bar, one was assaulted.

[hunter]

16. An old man, a boy, and two droids walk into a bar...

... I'm sorry, I don't remember the punchline of the joke.

It happened a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.

[underpants]

26. Yes!

[tblue37]

36. Good one! nt

[keithbvadu2]

51. That wasn't the joke you were thinking about (wave of the hand).

That wasn't the joke you were thinking about (wave of the hand).

[panader0]

17. A drunken man wanders into a Catholic church

and staggers into the confessional booth. The priest sees how drunk he is and decides to give him a moment to compose himself. After a bit he says, "Now, how may I help
you my son?"
The drunk says "You got any paper on your side?"

[red dog 1]

18. A bartender says "We don't serve time travelers in here."

A time traveler walks into a bar.

[red dog 1]

19. A guy walks into a bar & sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls

He turns to the bartender and says: "Boy, I wish I could do that."

The bartender replies: "You better try petting him first."

[ThoughtCriminal]

20. Bartender: What rhymes with orange?

Me: No, it doesn't

[LuckyCharms]

21. A pony walks into a bar...

and takes a seat on a stool.

Bartender looks at the pony, and says....uh, excuse me please, I'll be right back.

Bartender runs into the kitchen where several people are working.

He excitedly yells....HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS! COME OUT AND TAKE A LOOK AT THIS! THERE'S A FUCKING PONY SITTING AT THE BAR, AND HE'S HUNG LIKE A HORSE!!!!

[red dog 1]

22. A jumper cable walks into a bar and the bartender says:

"I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

23. a dyslexic man walks into a bra.

[red dog 1]

24. A five-dollar bill walks into a bar

Bartender says: "Get outta here! We don't serve your type..This is a singles bar!"

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

25. Charles Dickens walks into a bar & orders a martini

The bartender asks "Olive or twist?"

[underpants]

27. A moth walks into a bar

It proceeds to lay out all its troubles to the bartender - bad marriage, bad job, bad kids.

The bartender says, “Maybe you should talk to a psychologist about this”
The dejected moth says, “Yeah. Maybe I should”. It then starts to walk out of the bar all slumped over and sad.
The bartender says, “I have to ask. Why did you come in here?”
The moth says, “Oh. The light was on”

[Ohiogal]

28. A Dyslexic walks into a bra.

[sdfernando]

29. Two Nuns walk into a bar

the third one ducked.

[Mr.Bill]

74. A Catholic Priest a Nun and a Rabbi walk into a bar.

The bartender says "What is this, a joke?

[kacekwl]

32. Present, past and future walk into a bar

It was tense.

[red dog 1]

33. A tennis ball walks into a bar..The bartender says: "Have you been served?"

[red dog 1]

34. 3 vampires walk into a bar

1st one says: '"I'll have a pint of blood."
2nd one says: "I'll have one too."
3rd one says: "I'll have a pint of Plasma."
Bartender says: "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

[ascrodin]

37. A guy

A guy walks into a bar and says "OUCH!"

[red dog 1]

39. Welcome to DU!

[red dog 1]

38. A Canadian, a Texan, and a tea bagger walk into a bar

and the bartender says, "What'll it be, Senator Cruz?"

[red dog 1]

40. 2 termites walk into a bar

One asks, "Is the bar tender?"

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

41. A ghost walks into a bar, the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve spirits."

[red dog 1]

42. A woman walks into a bar with a ladder,

because she heard the drinks were "on the house"

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

43. A Polar Bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender,

"I'll have a Gin and......Tonic."

Bartender asks, "Why the big pause?'


And the Polar Bear replies, "I don't know, I've always had them."

[maxrandb]

44. Helium walked into a bar

The bartender said; "we don't serve Noble gasses here"

Helium doesn't react.

[red dog 1]

45. A soccer ball walks into a bar

The bartender kicks him out.

[red dog 1]

46. An Irishman walks into a bar,

and orders a lemonade.

(It could happen)

[rickford66]

77. An Irishman walks out of a bar

It could happen

[red dog 1]

47. A man walks into a bar with a slab of concrete under his arm and says,

"A beer, please, and one for the road."

[red dog 1]

48. E-flat walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors."

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

49. An amnesiac walks into a bar.

He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, "So, do I come here often?'

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

50. A ghost walks into a bar and the bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve spirits."

[red dog 1]

52. A neutron walks into a bar & orders a drink

When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?'
The bartender replies, "For you, neutron, no charge!"

[red dog 1]

53. A Black Widow walks into a bar

and the bartender says "What's your poison?"

[red dog 1]

54. An amoeba walks into a bar

Bartender says: "Pay the tab before you split"

[red dog 1]

55. An eel walks into a bar

Bartender says, "Back for more, Ay?

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

56. Donald Trump walks into a bar, and the bartender says:

"Sorry, we don't serve lying assholes!"

[red dog 1]

57. A weasel walks into a bar

and the bartender asks: "What can I get you."
"Pop, goes the weasel"

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

58. Guy walks into a bar and says "Ouch!"

It was a crowbar.

[red dog 1]

59. A blind man walks into a bar,

and a table, and a chair.

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

60. A man walks into a bar owned by horses

The bartender says, "Why the short face?"

[red dog 1]

61. A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar.

[red dog 1]

62. A guy walks into a wedding reception..He goes up to the bartender and asks

"Is this the punch line?"

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

63. A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says:

"We have a drink named after you"

The grasshopper replies: "You have a drink called Irving?"

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

64. A dwarf walks under a bar.

[BuffaloJackalope]

65. I walked into a bar once. Hurt like hell.

Dark basement + low ceiling + misplaced bar ...

[red dog 1]

66. Two Hydrogen atoms walk into a bar

One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

[red dog 1]

67. A measle walks into a bar, and the bartender says

"Shots for everybody!"

[red dog 1]

68. What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini?

"Olive or twist?"

[A-Schwarzenegger]

69. Two Irishmen walk out of a bar.

[MicaelS]

70. So a guy walks into a bar at the top floor of large skyscraper...

A man walks into a bar on the roof of a skyscraper. He sits down and orders a drink. A drunk hobbles over next to him and asks him "Ha-have you ever been here before?" "No." The man replies, "This is my first time here." "I love this place!" Slurs the drunk. "Wanna know why?" "Sure." The man says. "There is a wind that comes through the city and shoots right up this building. You can jump out the window and fall five stories and the wind brings you right back up!" "You are full of it." The man responds. "I'll bet you!" Counters the drunk. "I will go jump out the window and when the wind brings me back up you have to buy me a beer!" "Deal." The drunk runs and jumps out the window and sure enough he falls five stories and the wind brings him right back up. "That's amazing!" Exclaims the man. "You owe me a beer." Slurs the drunk. "Ya ya sure sure. Bartender give the guy a beer. I have to try this." The man drops some money on the counter for the beer and runs and jumps out the window falling to his death. The bartender looks at the drunk and says "You are a real asshole when you are drunk Superman.

[red dog 1]

71. A jackass, a turtle, and a Trump-worshiper walk into a bar

and the bartender says: "What'll it be, Senator McConnell?"

[Roland99]

72. Two fonts walk into a bar...

Bartender says, we don’t serve your type

[red dog 1]

73. Two deer walk out of a gay bar..One of them turns to the other and says:

"I can't believe I blew forty bucks in there!"

[red dog 1]

75. A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender "Have you seen my brother?"

The bartender says,"I don't know, what does he look like?"

[Brother Buzz]

78. A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the duck no, we don't serve grapes, so the duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him, "No, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, we don't serve ducks, so if you come back I'll nail your flippers to the floor, now get out of here!"

The duck thanks him and leaves.

The third day, the duck returns and the bartender yells, "What do you want?"

The duck is silent for a moment and then asks, "Got any nails?"

Confused, the bartender says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"


Yo-Yo man (Tommy Smothers) tell it MUCH better than me. (@ 4:40)

[Xolodno]

79. I am so going to get flamed, tarred and feathered for this.....

Three guys walk into a strip club bar and proceed to get drunk. Being inebriated they start to get loose with their tips to the strippers. During one nude dance in front of them, the first guy yanks out a $20 and slides it into her leg garter. The second guy seeing this, yanks out his wallet and does the same. The third guy, not wanting to feel out done, but short on cash, yanks out his Bank ATM card, slides it down her "you know" and says "I'll take the fast cash too" and proceeds to take the two $20's.

===================

Not my joke, but when I heard it....thought it was weird one and its been stuck in my memory every since.

[red dog 1]

80. A man with authority walks into a bar and orders everybody around.

[red dog 1]

81. A brain walks into a bar and the bartender says:

"I'm not serving you, you're out of your skull!"

[red dog 1]

82. A goat walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We don't serve kids here."

[red dog 1]

83. A cable TV installer walks into a bar and the bartender says:

"You'll be served sometime between 8 AM and 5 PM."

[LaelthsDaughter]

84. Funny

That’s great! XD I needed some laughs today!

[red dog 1]

85. A golf club walks into a bar and orders a beer

The bartender refuses to serve him.

"Why not?" asks the golf club.

"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.

[red dog 1]

86. A man wearing a tie fastener walks into a bar, and the bartender says:

"We don't serve your tie pin here"