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Related: Culture Forums, Support ForumsKnow any good Christmas jokes?
Q)..Why doesn't Santa have any kids?
A)..Because he only comes once a year.
Cirque du So-What
(25,936 posts)its down the chimney.
MyOwnPeace
(16,926 posts)Three guys went to the "company party" and had too good of a time and proceeded to get into a fatal crash upon leaving.
When the three arrived at St. Pete's Pearly Gate, they were told that "the Boss" wasn't happy with their behavior on the birthday of His Son.
However, if they could prove that they were "really" celebrating the birthday by producing some evidence on them, they could still be admitted.
The first guy reached into his pocket and pulled out his keys, held them in the air and began to jingle them.
St. Peter said, "What is that supposed to be?"
The first guy said, "They represent the bells of Christmas heard throughout the world!"
St. Peter smiled and said, "You may enter, my son."
The second guy had a worried look on his face, but then reached into his pocket and pulled out his money clip, loaded with a healthy stack of bills. Fanning them out he smiled and showed them to St. Peter.
"What is that about?" asked St. Peter.
"Why, it represents the ivy and its importance in the story of Christmas and the life of His Son."
Again, St. Peter smiled and said, "You may enter, my son."
By now guy number three was sweating bullets. But suddenly he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of lace panties.
"And WHAT do those have to do with Christmas?" asked a shocked St. Peter.
"Why, don't you know?" replied the man.
"They're Carols!"
customerserviceguy
(25,183 posts)A young girl comes to sit on Santa's lap, and he says, "What do you want for Christmas?"
She answers: "A Barbie...and a G.I. Joe."
Santa sputters "Wait, doesn't Barbie come with Ken?"
"No, she just fakes it with Ken."
2naSalit
(86,586 posts)customerserviceguy
(25,183 posts)Captain Zero
(6,805 posts)Nt
benld74
(9,904 posts)red dog 1
(27,797 posts)A) Claustrophobic.
MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)A rebel without a Claus.
red dog 1
(27,797 posts)A)..To the snow bank.
red dog 1
(27,797 posts)Snowballs.
red dog 1
(27,797 posts)Who's there?
Hannah
Hanna who?
Hanna Partridge in a pear tree!
2naSalit
(86,586 posts)A mailman is delivering mail in a rather upscale neighborhood and he's getting some nice gifts from the folks along the way. He's got a couple bottles of scotch and some candy and what not, it's a well to do bunch of folks in this neighborhood.
As he arrives at one rather nice home that has one of those slots in the door for mail, the door opens wide and there stands a very attractive, scantily clad woman who asks him if he'd like some lunch. He accepts and the nice lady makes him a very nice lunch. As he's finishing she begins to rub his shoulders and asks him if he'd like to go upstairs for a little afternoon romp. He thinks about it for a moment and accepts the offer so they go upstairs and...
After they've had a good time and he gets up and dresses himself she slips up beside him and hands him $10. At this point the mailman is really wondering what's going on and says, "Lady, lunch was great, this little romp was quite a pleasant surprise but I don't get the money thing."
The lady replies, "Well I asked my husband what we should give the mailman for Christmas and he said, 'Screw him, give him ten bucks!' ...lunch was MY idea!"
Hysterical!
Marthe48
(16,949 posts)Thanks! lol
red dog 1
(27,797 posts)Because the present's beneath them.
red dog 1
(27,797 posts)"This will sleigh you!"
red dog 1
(27,797 posts)Because he has a Black Belt.
MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)Sandy Claws!
MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)Santa Claus and his reindeer.
red dog 1
(27,797 posts)Subordinate Clauses.
Haggis for Breakfast
(6,831 posts)red dog 1
(27,797 posts)To keep her off the North Pole.
Polybius
(15,398 posts)Your balls are hanging!
red dog 1
(27,797 posts)Limp Bizkit
MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
red dog 1
(27,797 posts)Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
TomSlick
(11,098 posts)In mid-November, several of Santa's elves came down with food poisoning from some bad fruitcake putting toy production way behind schedule.
A couple of days before Christmas, Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming on New Year's Eve to stay for a few weeks.
On Christmas Eve, Santa went to harness the reindeer and found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were missing. When he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Hoping to calm himself, Santa went in the house for a cup of hard cider. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider. In his frustration, he dropped the cider jug and it broke into pieces all over the kitchen floor.
Just then the doorbell rang. An irritated Santa went to the door and yanked it open. There stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
ChubbyStar
(3,191 posts)I have shared it with 5 people and they howled.
TomSlick
(11,098 posts)However, since I first heard it years ago, I have insisted the tree be topped with an angel.
MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)Chill-dren.
quickesst
(6,280 posts)On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
benld74
(9,904 posts)Nothing
Its on the house
KY_EnviroGuy
(14,490 posts)............. .........
red dog 1
(27,797 posts)Silent Night.
red dog 1
(27,797 posts)Crisp Pringles
red dog 1
(27,797 posts)Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oakhom
Oakhom who?
Oakhom all ye faithfull