The DU Lounge
Related: Culture Forums, Support ForumsKnow any good psychiatrist jokes?
A man goes to a psychiatrist.
The doctor says "You're crazy!"
The man replies: "I want a second opinion!"
The doctor says: "Okay, you're ugly too!"
tblue37
(65,357 posts)Just one, but the lightbulb has to really want to change.
CincyDem
(6,358 posts)...shrink says "bring him in, we know just the cure".
Woman says..."well...I can't...we need the eggs"
Cirque du So-What
(25,938 posts)Im getting really tired of these motherfucking jokes.
Martin Eden
(12,867 posts)At the end of the session he told the four women they all have obsessions which are manifested in the names they gave their children.
To the first mother he said "You are obsessed with food, which is why you named your daughter Candy."
The second mother was obsessed with money, and had named her daughter Penny.
He told the third she named her daughter Brandy due to her obsession with alcohol.
At this point the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered to him "Come on Dick, we're going home. Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us."
SeattleVet
(5,477 posts)But if I told them they would probably commit me!!
Merlot
(9,696 posts)Does that count?
yankeepants
(1,979 posts)"Doc you gotta help me. I keep having awful nightmares about tarps and canopies."
Shrink: "Perhaps you're two tents."
TexasBushwhacker
(20,190 posts)Two. One to change the lightbulb and the other to hold the penis.
Edit: hold the LADDER. I meant ladder!
AZ8theist
(5,461 posts)And says, "Doc, I think I'm a moth!"
Dentist says, "You think you're a moth?? You don't need a dentist, you need a psychiatrist!!"
Guy says, "But doc, I AM SEEING a psychiatrist..."
Doc says, "So what are you doing here?"
Guy says, "Well, your light was on......."
Hotler
(11,421 posts)He told me from now on I had to start paying in advance.
Rodney Dangerfield
IcyPeas
(21,871 posts)MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)Because the "p" is silent.
MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)Can you help me, you fat slob?"
red dog 1
(27,802 posts)"Doctor, I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards!"
Psychiatrist replies: "Sit over there and I'll deal with you later."
red dog 1
(27,802 posts)in the waiting room.
The psychiatrist says: "Tell him I can't see him now!"
MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)Because h
e no longer believed in himself.
Doc_Technical
(3,526 posts)The Dr. is giving the patient a Rorschach test.
The Doc holds up a card and says, "what do you see?"
and the patient says "two people making love"
The Doc holds up another card and the patient
says "I see three people making love".
This goes on several more times and the Doc
says "you sure have a one track mind"
And the patient says, "Don't blame me,
you're the one with the dirty pictures"
red dog 1
(27,802 posts)Because the 'p' is silent.
red dog 1
(27,802 posts)Psychiatrist: "Pull yourself together!"
red dog 1
(27,802 posts)"Doctor I'm having strange dreams...In one dream I'm a teepee, in the next dream I'm a wigwam, in the next dream I'm a teepee again, in the next dream I'm a wigwam again....what's wrong with me?
Psychiatrist:
"You're two tents."
MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)Psychotics live in them.
Psychiatrists collect the rent.