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Tue Dec 17, 2019, 09:31 PM

I gave my sister-in-law advice on her love life.

I've known her since she was a girl, the "baby" in my wife's family.

I don't know where she finds these men, these strange and shallow guys on whom she obsesses and all of whom run her down.

After all these years of trying to help her to see that not all men are creatures from the deep, all I could do in the way of advice was to offer one of my favorite Eleanor Roosevelt quotations:

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Good advice?

Again, I don't know where she finds these guys...

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Reply I gave my sister-in-law advice on her love life. (Original post)
NNadir Dec 2019 OP
KT2000 Dec 2019 #1
NNadir Dec 2019 #2
VarryOn Dec 2019 #4
KT2000 Dec 2019 #5
Skittles Dec 2019 #3
NNadir Dec 2019 #6
zanana1 Dec 2019 #7
FakeNoose Dec 2019 #8
NNadir Dec 2019 #9
FakeNoose Dec 2019 #10
NNadir Dec 2019 #11

Response to NNadir (Original post)

Tue Dec 17, 2019, 09:48 PM

1. Someone told me -

such men - possible sociopaths - have radar for susceptible women. If she is not feeling good about herself, she won't likely initiate contact but the man will see that and be the initiator.

Simply - they find her.

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Response to KT2000 (Reply #1)

Tue Dec 17, 2019, 10:32 PM

2. That could be. In that case I'm glad...

...I cut my brother off before she met him.

I don't know where he finds his wives, but I've felt bad for each of those women who married him.

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Response to KT2000 (Reply #1)

Wed Dec 18, 2019, 01:28 AM

4. I think you're right...

I was single until my late 30s. I saw tons of women who would go for the type of guy you described. Having (I think) a realistic view of myself, I usully had to work extra hard to get and maintain the attention of women. I was constantly amazed how the shallow jerks--but usually good looking and/or well-to-do--could treat women like shit but could always keep them.

It's always good for someone to have a good friend of the opposite sex who can warn them when they are plying with fire.

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Response to VarryOn (Reply #4)

Wed Dec 18, 2019, 03:05 AM

5. you make an important point

I am much older now but this is where I think women go wrong before they wise up. Evolution tells us to go for the alpha type males because we would be more likely to survive and be safe. We mistake the "bad boys" for the desirable ones but what they are really are egotistical, thoughtless, and users of women. We interpret their egotism as confidence and strength. That may have worked out eons ago but not for the present.

Because the nice guys do not express egotism, they may not be good at survival and safety. That is not true in the modern world. It is no longer necessary to be a brute and actually quite the opposite. Intelligence, sensitivity, and loyalty are much more valuable for survival now.

Men have their own primitive drives too.

I believe for some, the attractions between men and women are often driven by these primal instincts without us realizing it. After a few burn outs - both men and women get smart.

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Response to NNadir (Original post)

Wed Dec 18, 2019, 12:24 AM

3. those kind of guys are everywhere

what she needs is some therapy to find out why she doesn't feel like she deserves to be treated better

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Response to Skittles (Reply #3)

Wed Dec 18, 2019, 07:22 AM

6. Oh I know. Actually though, she's had lots of therapy.

My own relationship with her is part brother-in-law, part big brother, part father, and yes, part therapist.

I've tried to explain that these guys are a subset of men.

My wife is one of four sisters. My father-in-law, although he was a doctor, was subject to a great deal of verbal abuse from my mother-in-law, who had a habit of telling my sister-in-law things that no daughter should know about her mother. Their relationship was something beyond belief, but my sister-in-law ended up with some very distorted views of men, about which she knew very little.

My wife left home at 17 and married me when she turned 22. For many years we kept our distance, but when my sister-in-law entered her teens, I stepped in and tried to help.

I'm still trying, but it's frustrating sometimes, sad and overwhelming.

She's such a beautiful person, but doesn't know it.

My mother-in-law died this year, and I hope against hope that there will ll be some intellectual and spiritual freedom for my sister-in-law.

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Response to NNadir (Original post)

Wed Dec 18, 2019, 10:35 AM

7. I think these needs are formed early in life.

Parents are a very powerful influence on a very young girl.

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Response to NNadir (Original post)

Wed Dec 18, 2019, 11:26 AM

8. Here's a suggestion: help her meet a better class of men

... instead of blaming her when things go wrong. If you have a lonely friend who's looking to meet a nice woman, and who knows how to treat her right, why not fix them up? Or even better, throw an informal get-together and introduce them to one another.

That's how you can be a good friend/brother-in-law.

Just sayin'

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Response to FakeNoose (Reply #8)

Wed Dec 18, 2019, 01:35 PM

9. Well, believe me, we've certainly imagined this...

...possibility, but it's nowhere near that simple.

Among other things, I'm 20 years older than she is, most of my friends are married happily or rebounding from divorce and she lives two hours away, and it's tough getting her to break away from the fool of the year.

I wish it were that simple, but it's far more complex.

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Response to NNadir (Reply #9)

Wed Dec 18, 2019, 01:46 PM

10. OK fair enough, but it seems she looks to you for guidance

Maybe by now she'd prefer someone older and wiser ... maybe you know someone like that?
That was my point. I'm sure you and your wife care about her, and want to help her.

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Response to FakeNoose (Reply #10)

Wed Dec 18, 2019, 03:29 PM

11. Well I look over the profiles...

...of guys on these dating websites people use these days. (God I'm glad I'm decades past dating.)

I did so recently. The men I recommended she said were unattractive. The guy she thought she wanted to contact struck me as more of the same.

I'm not sure the right words for how I feel for here approach is " assigning blame to her" but there is a systematic problem.

Her upbringing was problematic to be sure.

I do have tremendous sympathy for what happened to her.

The problem she has is that she lets these awful people tell her what's wrong with her.

I try to explain that what these asses want is their problem, not hers.

Now she's reading one of these horrid formulaic self help books entitled "Why Men Love Bitches."

She asked me to look at it. I was appalled.

She thinks of men like other people think of...i don't know...cows.

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